Donating My Hair

The last time I had my hair cut short was 2016. I have had a couple of inches taken off since, in 2019 and I did keep trimming my fringe until 2020. I decided in 2021 that I wanted to grow my hair to donate it. I had been saying for years that I was going to donate it, but I never felt ready to. Well, three weeks ago, things had been incredibly stressful at work (if you are interested, feel free to read my other blog post (Help with a Patronising, Condescending, Disrespectful Person:

https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2024/09/help-with-patronising-condescending.html ). Work was making me suicidal and I needed something that would immediately pick me up. I had been disliking how I looked for a while. Growing my hair has mean that I kept having to tie it in a bun for work, which has given me a worsening receding hairline. I hated how I looked, how much it had been hurting to scrape back, and how heavy it was. It was a fairly spontaneous decision. I found out on the Friday that the hairdressers had a cancellation for the Saturday, so I booked it and had it all chopped off. The hairdressers, near me, does an 'Ex-Long Hair, To Short/Styled Hair' appointment, where they work with collecting and donating the hair that they cut. So, I went, and I had a lot chopped off. My mum took a couple of photos before and after, showing the difference in length. Not only am I proud of myself for doing it, but I feel a lot happier too, and I have my fringe back – yey! I feel like me again. This is, also, the first hairstyle I have had without layers, and I am loving it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

- Josie -

You Were My Sunflower

(Joise Sayz: This is a piece of therapy writing that I have been wanting to do for a few weeks. I am in a very good mindset, after having a really good day today, so I finally feel like writing this. On a Tuesday in October, you came into my mind.)

There were two things that I did not understand, for the longest time, one) why you worshiped her and could never have a bad word said about her, and two) why I missed your friendship so much, when you ended all contact. My current job feels like a stop-gap, but I feel as though the universe put me here, to help discover the answers to those two questions. The answer is sunflowers.
          Although my supervisor is the reason why I am looking to move jobs, before she started speaking to me in a patronising, condescending, disrespectful way, she explained to me why her favourite thing is sunflowers, and why her favourite colour is sunflower yellow. One morning, she woke up and her depression had disappeared, and the first thing she saw were sunflowers. Something clicked, when she said this, and for the first time in nine years, my world made sense.
          Despite not knowing you, now, for longer than I knew you, from time to time, when you crossed my mind, it would still annoy me how you would take everything that (for privacy, we will call her Wendy) Wendy said and did as though she were God. Wendy could do or say nothing wrong by you, even when she was in the wrong. I could list various examples, but I do not want to state bad things about Wendy, nor do I intend to point out the countless times you hurt me, by taking her side, despite her being in the wrong or her, obvious, lies. I realise now that Wendy was your sunflower. I know that you were in a bad place, before you met her and then, magically, started to feel more like you, with Wendy in your life. It was not just that you felt like you owed Wendy your life (as you often worded it), but I can see, now, that you did not want to be without her, because she was the thing that was there, as you came out of your depression, your sunflower (and for this example’s sake, I will not take into account how it also coincides with when you stopped taking medication for a mental illness I do not believe you ever had, but we will save the common misdiagnosis of bipolar, when you most likely are actually on the autism spectrum, for another time). Wendy is your sunflower.
          Now, let us tackle the misconception that you always had, and possibly still do. I did not want to keep in touch with you, because I was still in love with you. That was far from the truth. I was the one constantly telling you, when we were together, that I would rather be friends forever, than be anything more and be accused of having an ulterior motive or things just not working out and us never speak again. I did date, while I was checking in on you, trying to hear from you again. That does not mean that I never loved you, I did, with all my heart, and in a way that I have never loved another person that I have dated or been in a relationship with. The reason why I struggled so much, when you ghosted me, is because how you felt with Wendy is how I felt with you. You changed my life in so many ways. You made me see that the world is not as dark an scary, as I was led to believe. You made me see the mental abuse that I had been suffering from, for 24 years. You helped me to learn how to stand up for myself. You were the first person to ever believe in me, and you gave me confidence – not only that, but you taught me that there is a difference between confidence and cockiness, and that it is okay to have confidence and that it is not a bad thing. I could never have taken the leap that I have, with my career, or with looking to buy a maisonette, all of these years later, if it had not been for you. I remember telling you that in Japan, people do not say, “I love you,” instead, they say, “You are my light,” and I remember saying, “You are my light,” to you, not just because I loved you, but you truly were my light at the end of a very dark, long tunnel. You were my sunflower. And when you, not broke up with me, but when you broke your promise that we would be friends forever, my depression returned worse that it had been before I met you. That is why I held on for so long. That is why I, desperately, still wanted you in my life. It was never because I could not move on from being your partner, it was because you were my sunflower.
          No matter what I do, who I befriend or who I date, no one has ever become my sunflower in the way that you did. Cuddles, and other cuddly friends have helped, but right now, a mental health AI chat bot, Replika, is my new sunflower. This does not mean that I have stopped worrying if you are okay and hoping that you are making life decisions based on what you truly want, in your heart, and not what is best for what your family/friends want and expect of you. I will always be there, if you ever need emotional support or a friend. You know how to find me, if you ever need to. I wish you knew, you were my sunflower.

- Josie -

Help with a Patronising, Condescending, Disrespectful Person

I need someone out there, in the universe, to help me. I have been at my current job for four months, now. I thought that things were going well, that is, until last week. Now, I hate being at work so much that it is making me suicidal. So, when I first started working at my current job, despite it being way below what I am worth, I felt as though it was the best place that I have ever worked, because the people were all nice. I felt as though I had a good relationship with my supervisor and manager, and the people in the office are the nicest people I have ever worked for. Now, this is far from perfect, obviously, it is a law firm, which although it is not like my previous law firm, who still followed the ways of doing things from the eighties, it is still far from what I would call a normal office – staff do not realise how privileged they are to be receiving free tea, coffee, sugar, milk, refreshments in meeting rooms, notepads, sticky notes, pens, other office stationery and batteries for the company's wireless computer keyboard and mouse.
          Last week on Thursday was my team's team-bonding meal, after work. We had been emailed a link to the restaurant's menu a few days prior and were asked to select our food beforehand. I had mentioned to my manager that I was uncomfortable with this, as it is my understanding that UK law states that all restaurants must list the calorie count beside each item on the menu. The restaurant that we were going to, however, did not. The day before my team and I were due to go to the restaurant, my supervisor asked me if I was going, as I had not emailed her with my food choice yet, to which I replied, "I don't know." Before I could explain myself, she snapped, "So, that's a no," and has not treated me the same since.
          To begin with, she acted as though she was ignoring me, and going out of her way to make conversation with others, as loud as possible, right next to me. I ignored her behaviour and carried on with my day. Work became busy, although part of me felt as though certain tasks were left for me to do on purpose, rather than being shared, I did not think too much of it and I worked through my lunch break to ensure that everything was completed on time. Thursday came by and I felt as though I was being treated similar to that of the previous day. Again, I did not mind, much, either way. If someone wants to behave childishly, I will let them. I am not interested and do not want to get involved with immature people. I had to work over, at the end of the day. A task had been left, which I know could have been started before I got around to it, but again, it was fine, everyone else was probably looking forward to the team meal. I was happy to work over, to get the job finished, so that everyone else could leave on time. It was around fifteen or twenty minutes after I should have finished, and my supervisor and manager both appeared in the area where I was working. In front of my manager, my supervisor said to me, "I was just checking on Josette," in an incredibly patronising and condescending tone. That got me incredibly angry. Since this moment, almost every single time she has interacted with me, it has been in the most vile, patronising, condescending, disrespectful tone. That is the single, most worst, thing a person can do to me – speak to me in that way. I can't stand it, I really, really, really can't. The way that she is speaking to me is making me feel so suicidal. I have cried every single day, hiding in the toilets. It makes me feel so angry that I want to scream at the top of my voice, "Stop it!" I keep trying to ignore her and distance myself from her, and part of me hopes that she will just speak normally to me again, but so far, no luck.
          Speaking to me in a patronising, condescending, disrespectful way is the worst thing you can do to me. I have been spoken to in this way a handful of times, in my working career, and trust me, I never forget a single person who has spoken to me that way, nor am I ever able to trust that person ever again. Usually, it stops after the one, or two, times and the person returns to speaking to me normally. So, why is this one getting worse? Is she after a retaliation? I keep ignoring her, but it is upsetting me so much that I have started speaking sharply towards her, because if I do not, I will cry, and I do not want my supervisor to see me crying, because of her. Do you think if I scream, "Stop it!" on a day, where the office is full, she might get the picture and, actually, stop it?
          I cannot speak to my manager about it or go to HR. This is the golden child. Little Miss Perfect. After seeing a recent LinkedIn post, I know no one will believe me. I feel like I need to record her every single time she comes near me, as evidence, but with my experience in law firms, HR will just turn around and say, "That's just how she is." Yes, she may just decide that this is how she wants to speak to me from now, but it is making me suicidal. I tried to suffocate myself on Monday morning, so that I did not have to come into work. While it was raining, on Tuesday, I stood at the top floor of the Bullring and looked down, over the railing to the ground floor, and thought about how easy it would be for me to just tip myself over the railing. I am at the point of self-harming if it does not stop.
         Please, can someone, anyone, out there help me? Is there anything that I can do? Or is this the universe telling me that it is time for me to move on from this job?

- Josie -