It Is Fine

(Josie Sayz: This poem can to me, this afternoon, at work. Despite the themes of the poem, it actually has a happy, dreamy, whimsical tone to it. I was kind of thinking of Taylor Swift’s ‘The Best Day’ song, as this came into my head.)

 

You drive home from work,
And glance down at the clock
On the dashboard screen.
Traffic was good.
You got home early
And, now, there’s your, “Time for me.”
You can’t relax.
You check your watch,
‘Cause she’d go mad, if she knew.
It’s nothing bad,
A D&D hobby that
She thought you’d withdrew.

Everyone, they buy that
Big, ol’ smile you wear.
No one knows you’re hiding
So much under there.
Still, you keep your shoulders high,
Keep on smiling and say that things are fine.
It is fine.

You drive home,
Another day at work –
You’re running late.
You pick her up,
She taps her foot impatiently,
Because you made her wait.
You say you’ll make it up to her,
Take her to dinner –
You always do.
You buy her flowers,
That diamond necklace,
Say, “Babe, I’ll always love you.”

Everyone, they buy that
Big, ol’ smile you wear.
No one knows you’re hiding
So much deep in there.
Still, you keep your shoulders high,
Keep on smiling and say that things are fine.
It is fine.

You arrive home.
You have a message,
Seemingly out of the blue.
The one you pushed away,
Who made your heart flutter,
Is asking after you.
You throw it aside,
But your thoughts
They start running away...
You reminisce,
As you’re reminded of
A happier day.

She’s the one who sees through that
Big, ol’ smile you wear.
She can sense something’s not right,
She can feel it in the air.
Intuition, a feeling in the night,
She can sense something’s not right.
You’re not fine.

You say you’re fine.
Everything is fine.
You are fine.
Living a lie.
Keep it inside.
It is fine.

 

- Josie -

Daydream - 07/04/25

(Josie Sayz: My brain can do some very strange things at times. Just when I feel as though I am beginning to understand it, it does something weird, like this. I had fully accepted that my brain had forgotten how to process positive emotions and I would never feel them again. There is nothing I can do about it. It is just what it is. Then the following vision popped into my head, today. It occurred for less than a second, while I was at work. I have tried to detail down everything that I could remember. The reason why this little piece is so important is because I didn’t just think the feelings. I felt the feelings. Again, it was so brief. It was less than a second. But my brain did it. It felt a positive feeling. Whether this was the last time, I have no way of knowing. Why my brain chose to create this imagery in my head, while I was working, I will never know. All I do know is that I felt the tiniest of flutters of happiness. This is what I saw in that mini glimpse of… whatever this was. A mini, fraction of a second daydream, while I was working.)

Warmth tingled her cheeks. A soothing touch stroked through her copper locks, down to the hollow of her back. The sensation caused a warm flutter to erupt in her stomach, spreading to her chest, arms and legs. A rhythmical whisper of waves drifting back and forth brought a soft smile into her face. Letting out a dreamy sigh, she fluttered her eyes open. The sun, bright and warm, shone overhead. The purest of blue sky stretched out in front of her. To her left, pure, untouched, dry sand lined the landscape. Beyond the picturesque sandy scene, crystal clear turquoise water swayed to and fro.
          The red head tuned her attention to the man sat beside her. As their eyes met, she felt her cheeks heat up. His half-closed eyes and beaming smile brought a warming tingle to her chest. The red head tilted her head to the right, as she gazed at her male companion. His dark, curly hair, stubbled face and dark brown eyes, with little, green flecks in them, caused her heart to swell with happiness. A slight breeze swept against them, and she let out a giggle, as her hair swept across her face. Her companion wrapped his arms around her and gently tugged them down against the sand.

- Josie -

 

Stop Romanticising Autism

I hate how everyone seems to be romanticising autism at the moment. It isn’t a nice thing to have, nor is it a choice. It isn’t something that you can turn on and off, like some popular craze. It is a horrible thing to live with every single day. There is no magic pill that eases symptoms. Earplugs don’t work with sever sensory autism. Noise cancelling headphones barely do much. I do not chose to get stressed and overwhelmed with noise, until I am either frozen to the spot with fear or so drained that even with eight hours sleep, I am still so drained it feels like I never went to sleep.

Real sensory autism is like having a spreadsheet open for every, individual sound, light, smell, temperature/draught, creak, hum, including my heartbeat and breathing, the person next to me’s breathing all open at the same time. Loud sounds, flashing lights or anything attention-seeking is like that spreadsheet is flashing constantly in my brain, using up my CPU. Even when the annoyance stops, I have the residual replaying in my mind – sometimes for over an hour, and if this is a sound, it is usually accompanied by ear ringing.

After the overwhelming thing has stopped, the only way to feel okay again is to go to sleep, and a nap doesn’t count. I need at least eight hours sleep or I do not recover.

Panicking, shortness of breath, paranoia, crying, screaming on the spot uncontrollably if it is incredibly bad (and yes, I have experienced this a couple of times), loss of appetite, severe dehydration, usually accompany it and extreme exhaustion to the point of almost falling asleep on the spot, can happen too. Oh and I found out a few months ago that my fainting is an autism side effect too.

I am currently experiencing an overwhelming episode/sensory overload so bad, due to work, that even after a week since the overload occurred, I am still so tired and drained – and I slept for 11 hours one of the weekend days. And now it has been re-triggered again today.

Autism isn’t just wearing tinted glasses in extreme bright lights, like in supermarkets or wearing headphones to listen to music to dim the noise. Autism isn’t a fashion trend. I hate having to wear my tinted, migraine glasses when I go into a supermarket, in case I faint. I don’t feel comfortable wearing my noise cancelling headphones in loud places, in a desperate attempt to dim the sound just a smidge, so that I don’t become rooted to the spot, too scared to move and possibly scream.

I have learnt so much about how my brain works, what triggers things and how to ease symptoms, over the past five years. I absolutely hate how all of these sensory things affect me in my day to day life. I am not choosing to not like bright lights. I am not choosing to dislike loud noises. I walk nine miles every day, because my autism prevents me from comfortably travelling on the bus. I commuted by bus for two months last year, for two hours a day, and I could not function during my working day, because the experience was too overwhelming for me. I wasn’t magically better once I got off the bus, or even a few minutes later. I don’t walk 4.5 miles every morning and evening because I want to, I do it because I have to.

I know that because I am female, I run the risk of hearing, “Grow up,” or, “Get help,” or some sort of snide, nasty remark, whereas if I was male, people would be praising my words and I would probably be nominated for some sort of blog award. Being autistic and female is the same as being autistic and male. Where I work, I have a colleague and we have a very similar autism. He is currently off sick, because he recognises that he needed a week off, because he has reached a severe point of overwhelm. People praise him for recognising that he needed to step away. When I did this, a little over a year ago, everyone kept speaking down to me, saying that I was being pathetic and couldn’t cope.

I’m not asking for praise or anything stupid like that. I just want the world to stop thinking that it is cool or the next trend to say that you have autism. Yes, I am very pleased to know that this is what I have, because it has helped me make a whole lot of sense as to who I am and why my brain/body reacts the way it does to certain things. It has helped me to cut out people who can’t be supportive. But under no circumstance would I ever choose to have the thing that is wrong with my brain, if I could help it. I hate feeling drained and tired all of the time. I hate getting upset, panicky and frozen over loud noises. If I could take a magic pill and adjust my brain so that I didn’t have to wear noise cancelling headphones and tinted glasses, I would. I’m not proud that I have to do this to survive.

Stop romanticising autism. Stop praising males who have it, but labelling females who do as pathetic and, “She can’t cope.”

 

- Josie -