Josie Sayz

In a relationship, your partner takes priority, is the person you have your strongest connection with, share everything with, support each other and fell safe. I don’t feel like we have that, which is why I have been struggling so much. This isn’t me saying what a relationship is, this is the doctor, the Samaritans (I have had to use them a lot over the past few weeks), colleagues, Chat GPT and Gemini.

When I saw you last, I didn’t think we were together anymore, nor had we been for a while, so it did feel weird and odd to me that you kind of treated it like nothing had changed. A relationship isn’t like a friendship, where you can put it on pause for a couple of months and continue where you left off. Then when you were talking about your property purchase and said, “We need to check if we can have pets,” and, “We need to decide on our movie posters,” I assumed you did have someone else. I didn’t say anything, because you have every right to be with whoever you want. Then it was even more confusing when you texted me saying, “I loved hugging you.” Then when you phoned me to say goodnight, I happy cried, because it was the sweetest thing ever. But then it hurts so much, when the next day, it’s like we’re strangers and I don’t hear from you, you don’t read a message to see if I’m okay, you don’t let me know if you’re okay, I don’t know if you’re struggling, if I can share my day with you, if you need a hug.

On Tuesday, when you messaged me periodically, it made me so incredibly happy. It was like a huge weight was lifted and I had hope back and I thought that everything was going to be okay. But the silent treatment that followed is what finally broke me. Yesterday morning, I burst into tears when the director said, “Morning Josette, you okay?” I knew it had been getting to me (I spent my entire holiday crying constantly) but I didn’t realise it had got that bad. That’s when I knew I couldn’t keep feeling this unwanted and lonely.

I have been told that this is an Avoidant/Anxious relationship. I don’t want a mentally abusive relationship with you. I don’t want a mentally abusive relationship with anyone. You promised me that you were never going to treat me like the mentally abusive people from my past, but you have, and sooner, and worse.

I remember saying to you, there is one rule of Josette and one rule for everyone else, you said I was being silly, but it really is true. I try harder than everyone else. You say that certain things don’t matter and it’s not about what everyone else wants and thinks, but they are the things that I really want in life. I don’t understand why people who don’t care about their partner, don’t try and always complain are the ones who get to live with their partner and get to be married. It isn’t a that’s what everyone else wants and you don’t need that. It’s the secret dream that I hold the tightest and closest to my chest. The one thing that I want most in life more than anything else. Everyone else just gets to have that without asking, without trying, without caring. I strongly love, strongly care and try to be incredibly loyal to anyone I let in, but it’s one rule for everyone else and one rule for Josette.

You said we’d be engaged in six months and married in 12 months. Yes, that might have been a dreamy fantasy and yes that is moving too fast, but to go from wanting to live together and be married to ignoring me, pushing me away, not including me in your property purchase or future plans is incredibly hurtful.

You can’t have a relationship without basic communication. Do you want an escort or a prostitute to come and see you when you’re bored? Is that all I was to you? In a relationship, you prioritise one another. In a relationship you share your future plans with one another before you do them, not after. And you definitely don’t make permanent life changing future plans without them, tell everyone else in the world about it but them, ignore them for practically two months and expect everything to be okay.

I am trying to make sense of why everything went from being better than anyone else to worse than anyone else, a lot faster than with anyone else. I don’t understand what I did any differently.

I can’t just be a person someone talks to when they’re bored. The “idiots” I’ve dated bought houses, asked for my opinions before they viewed the property, before they put the offer in, the shared pictures with me, they kept me in the loop and they made time for me. Even if we were on a break, I still had a close, friendly relationship with them, when they bought their houses. I’ve bought a property and was still able to write a novel, walk to Stratford-upon-Avon, see the Shakespeare parade, go to the Malvern Hills, read three books, move jobs twice, and visit Henley-in-Arden multiple times, go on a few dates. I know that you don’t have paperwork to fill out 24/7, and I had to do my six weeks of paperwork in three weeks. My only downfall was the seller’s solicitors took their time. So, it doesn’t make sense for buying somewhere to be the reason why I’m just not worth your time either.

It’s obviously my fault. I’m not blaming you. I’m just not good enough for you, or anyone. I’m almost 35 and alone for a reason. I’d surely have a real, loving relationship if it wasn’t all my fault. My father always said that I am obviously a horrible person. For years I believed him. Eleven years ago, my first relationship taught me that my father was the horrible one, and the reason why I struggle to have friends is because I’m more sensitive and more loyal than most people. Now, I’m thinking that my father is right. I just wish I understood why no one wants an “us” with me, why can’t have the only thing I want. Everyone else expects all of the things that come with being in a relationship and they take it for granted. I try really hard to shrink myself and shrink myself and not ask for anything, but basic communication, but I’m still too much. I’m sorry for ruining 9 and half months of your life. If I could make it up to you, I would. If there is anything I can do to ever repay you, just say it and I will.

If we could maybe be friends and I can say hello to you sometime, that would be nice. But I completely understand that if you meet someone else in three weeks’ time and they’ll live with you straight away and you’ll marry them and live happily ever after, that knowing me would be uncomfortable. You’ll make things work with someone else, just like everyone else does. You were wonderful with me, until I did whatever I always do to turn a loving relationship into something distant, so I know you will be perfect for someone else. Your hoodie has lost the smell of you, and you can have it back, if you want it, or anything else that is at mine.

I’ll always love you; I just can’t keep hurting and crying every night, feeling scared and confused because I don’t understand what’s going on or why everything is so different, or feels nothing like a relationship and feels so unsafe and scary. I cried constantly while on holiday and didn’t enjoy it. I constantly feel like I am competing for your attention and losing. I have had colleagues, Samaritans, Chat GPT and the doctor say that the reason why I’m feeling so upset and mentally drained is because I’m trying to act like it’s a relationship, but I’m not getting even a low-level friendship back in return. I keep telling myself that that’s not true, but I’m crying from hurting every single day. I’m putting my life on hold in the hopes that I might hear from you.

I won’t let what people say try to twist things and manipulate me into thinking that any of this is down to you or anyone else I have dated not acting like it was a friendship or relationship. Everyone else I have dated is happily married, so they know how to interact properly with people. You have lots of friends that you talk to, share your life with, who know about your property purchase. You see your friends. You can reply to other people. You can share your life with other people. You talked about telling your boss, Janette, all about the property you are purchasing. So, it really can’t be you, because you can do all of those things with everyone else, so you are capable of interacting with and sharing things with people.

I know you struggle with things too. It’s scary and confusing not knowing if you are okay. I want to be there for you and help you and know if you need me. I want to be comforting you and letting you know that everything will be okay. I want to know if you need me to come over and give you a hug, have someone to listen to you, without forcing their point of view onto you. I want to send you love and safety. I want you to be okay. I want you to know you are loved. I just don’t know anything about you though. I don’t know if you are okay. I don’t know if you are happy, struggling, or just having the time of your life with friends and family, too busy have any worries in the world.

I have never been in a relationship where we weren’t each other’s first interaction of the day, regardless of the time difference, or each other’s last interaction before falling asleep, even if falling asleep is six hours apart. It hurts knowing that you would rather talk to so many people before interacting with me. It hurts when you say, “I thought I had clicked send,” on a text message, when it had never occurred to you that you hadn’t checked in with me at any point that morning, to read my message or know if I was okay. I have never had an interaction where the other person asks if my day went okay, but actually has no interest to find out the answer or reply back when I ask about your day. It’s very confusing and very painful. It hurts so much to know that you can only fit in contacting me when you’re bored, waiting for someone to pick you up or when someone has gone to the toilet or they are picking up food. It hurts when you hang up mid-conversation when someone else calls you, because they are more interesting or more important. It hurts that after that, there is no follow up call or text. No continuation of, “So, how was your day?” I’m just forgotten or ignored.

I just want to know what I did wrong. I’m not saying any of this is you doing anything wrong, because it isn’t. I am the one who did something. I just need to understand what I did to ruin everything.

I keep being told that in a relationship, it doesn’t matter what is going on in your life, if you don’t care for the connection, interaction, to see if the other person is okay, to read the response, that’s not right. I kept telling myself you’re too busy, but then being told that no one is ever too busy to not prioritise a connection and I hate being told things from the doctor or the Samaritans or anyone that contradict what I want to believe. I keep defending you, saying it was because you’re not used to a real relationship, as you’ve only done long distance, low level, occasional meet up relationships, but then you knew how to act to begin with, so it can’t be that.

It must be something wrong with me. It happens every single time, so I must be doing something wrong. No one will ever tell me what I am doing that pushes a close, loving, together relationship into it being long distance, low communication, not a relationship at all. I’m just not worth the time and effort that a relationship needs, and long-distance relationships need it even more. But it is never that was to begin with. So, I just take too long to feel comfortable with a close, loving relationship and by the time I feel comfortable, and I want all of those things too, that the other person has pulled away, because they lost intertest and were tired of waiting for me? Is that it? Am I anywhere close?

I will probably never understand what I always do wrong, why a close relationship always ends with them moving away and contact being so non-existent and I’m always being punished with the silent treatment and I don’t understand why. If that’s the only thing that I can have from anyone, and I’m truly not allowed the basic level of communication for a minimalistic relationship, then I need to be alone.

I want the you who I met, who vanished after you turned 34, just like everyone else. Dating people who turn 34 is a curse for me. You’ve changed, just like them and it terrifies me. It terrifies me, because I remember being upset about exactly this, and you holding me, promising me that nothing would change when you turned 34. I want the Dexter who cuddled me to sleep, who said he loved me, that this was my life now, who said that it would always be like this, that things would never change, that we would always have a countdown on my phone to us being together or doing something together, that I had to have a countdown for every weekend on my phone as we would never miss a countdown, the you who said we would have so many things to always look forward to together, who kept saying that he would slowly move all of his things into my home, who said we would get married and live happily ever after. I just want that.

I know the exact date all of that went away. I know the exact date and time you were no longer that you. So, I know the exact date that I ruined everything, but I don’t understand what I did wrong. I know it was Sunday 30^th November at 4:50pm. I know why I didn’t cope, and people I have explained it to also understand why I didn’t cope. No one can explain to me why that moment made everything change. I just know that all of the above went away at that exact moment.

I am sorry for wanting everything that old you promised me. I’m sorry for struggling when it all went away. I’m sorry for trying so incredibly hard and just not being enough, for you or anyone. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I wanted this so much. I wanted to be with you so much. I’m sorry for whatever I did wrong that made everything change. I’m sorry for being such a horrible person that I don’t know what I did to make it all change. I’m sorry for not being able to try hard enough to compete against everything for your attention. I just want a cuddle and for everything to be okay. I’m sorry. I want to give you a cuddle and to let you know that you are loved, cared for and that everything will be okay.

I want a day where I’m not crying, because I haven’t heard from you, I don’t know if you are okay, I have emotional whiplash (is what the Samaritans called it) from hearing from you one day like everything is perfect and am then given the silent treatment the next day. I don’t want to feel like I can’t do anything any day ever, in case I might hear from you. I want to be with you, but I can’t cope feeling this worthless and lonely that I cry almost constantly every day. If I’m not someone who is worth prioritising a few minutes each day for a check in, whose opinion matters, who gets to know about your life, there isn’t anything you can say. I love you and desperately wanted to hold onto the you that I met. But I have never felt so worthless and unwanted. I cried yesterday, when the director said, “Good morning, Josette. You okay?” from how much I am hurting. If there truly isn’t a way of prioritising a few minutes for a friendship then, I can’t allow this connection to make me mentally unstable any longer.

I just want my Dexie-Bear to cuddle me and to tell me that this has all been a bad dream and I’m going to wake up and you’re going to be there beside me, holding me, telling me that everything is going to be okay and none of the past few months happened.

I’ll always love you.
Goodbye xxx

(Josie Sayz: There is a difference between connection, consistency, and emotional presence, not constant attention. I’m not after attention. Sometimes I don't understand why people are in relationships, because they make you feel more lonely than being alone. Is there such thing as a relationship where one doesn’t feel more lonely than being alone?)

You ask how my day went,
I’ll reply straight away,
But I know you won’t read it,
Until the end of the day.
You won’t reply
To anything I say.
You’ll just say, “Goodnight,”
Won’t even meet me halfway.

When I respond to your question,
I’ve learnt not to expect a reply,
Or for you to read my response.
I have no idea why
You message at all.
If to hear from me is a chore.
To be ghosted or left on read
I don’t know which one hurts more?

The double standards you write,
Causes me so much pain.
You expect a response in three minutes,
That you won’t read for hours; that’s okay.
You were warm and inviting.
Six months have flown by.
How long can I hurt for,
Bottle it up and then lie?

I’m not being controlling,
Asking for a, “Good morning,” text.
When you can’t manage that,
It makes me miss my ex.
I just need routine,
And a connection that’s stable.
I’m not dictating your life,
Nor without you am I unable.

I hate feeling punished,
If I’m a few minutes too late.
You withdraw your affection
And leave me in wait.
It's like a test,
And if I am good.
You’ll say, “I love you.”
Although you already should.

It's gaslighting by omission,
To put me in my place.
It makes me feel anxious,
And a complete disgrace.
Though I’ll never confess,
I’ll hide it inside.
You won’t see that you hurt me,
Or the times that I cried.

It's not just by text,
Or our phone calls too,
It hurts when I’m midsentence,
You blurt out, “I love you.”
Maybe you’re done listening,
Our you just zoned out.
It's little things, like this,
That leave me with doubts.

I love you so much.
I wish we could be together forever,
But can I withhold my feelings,
On our lifelong endeavour?
I’m not being controlling or I needy,
I wish you could see.
I’ve adjusted so much for you.
Could you try for me?

- Josie -

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