09 March 2016

The Truth of Little Red Riding Hood


(Josie Sayz: This is exactly as the title suggests… the truth of the ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ tale. There is also a follow up, which I might share soon.)

Okay, so you’ve all heard the story: a girl carrying goodies, walks through the woods, strays from the path, talks to a strange wolf, who beats her to her Grandma’s house, eats her Grandma (or ties her up and locks her in the wardrobe, depending on which version you’ve heard). Then when the girl arrives at her Grandma’s the wolf tries to grab her too, but the woodcutter barges in and saves the day. What a load of rubbish! I mean, who actually believes in a talking wolf and why did he eat or kidnap her Grandma? And what’s with the woodcutter? Why does he suddenly appear at Grandma’s house and kill the wolf? How did he even know that there was a wolf trying to eat them anyway? It seems that some people are so patriarchal they don’t believe that a woman can fend for herself!
The story that you are all so familiar with is really one told by the adults who heard of such tale. But of course, being adults they could never let you hear the true tale. They all know that these things happen… however; such things get labelled ‘taboo’ and are never spoken of again. Instead they twist a brave and daring, true adventure into a cute, soft story for children, with morals like: “Don’t stray from the path,” or, “Don’t talk to strangers,” – or a strange wolf in this case.
I mean how farfetched does their story sound? A young girl, walking alone in the woods, is confronted by a talking wolf, who beats her to her Grandma’s house, eats her Grandma or ties her up in a wardrobe, hides in her Grandma’s bed, then tries to catch or eat the girl too. It’s ridiculous, but still it’s been told again and again and again!
Have you never stopped to think about what the tale is really about? Have you never wondered the truth behind such a bizarre story? I know that it’s my word against all of the story tellers and different versions that you’ve heard, but if you take just one moment to think about what I am telling you, then hopefully you’ll see that I speak the truth. And hopefully you will also see where and why those that know of the story decided to mask the truth from your eyes. Here I give you the truth of ‘Little Red Riding Hood’.
It was summer. Studying was over. The girl everyone had come to know as Red sat in front of an open window at the front of her house. Her father had already left for work, leaving her and her mother alone to mind the house. He mother was a profound cook, known throughout the village for her amazing cakes, biscuits and other goodies. Following the advice from several villagers, she had opened up her own bakery at the front of their house, transforming the front sitting room into a large open stall full of freshly baked goods for the entire village to enjoy.
With the double window parted, its wooden frame acted as a counter for members of the village to peer in and view Red’s mother’s selection of cakes, mini muffins, biscuits, pastries, loaves of bread, croissants, jam tarts and other freshly baked goods. The summer breeze swept the sweet scents out of the window and deep into the forest.
After the morning crowd dispersed, Red gave a yawn and hopped off her stool to stretch her legs. As she reached the door, her mother turned to her. “And where do you think you’re going?” she asked sharply.
Red shrugged. “Just for a walk.” Her mother shook her head.
“You’re to stay behind the counter.”
“But why?” Red whined. Lolling her head in the direction of the window she let out a fed-up sigh, protesting, “It’s gorgeous out.”
“You can enjoy the sun from the window,” her mother told her, as she finished placing several items inside a small, woven basket. Red groaned, dragging her feet as she returned to her stool.
Slumping herself down on the seat, Red told her mother, “You’re always telling me that I should be out in the fresh air and now that I want to you’re keeping me inside. Rather hypocritical, don’t you think?” Red’s mother tutted at her and shook her head.
“It is not hypocritical, Red,” her mother sighed. “Stop being silly. I’m going to your Grandma’s to take her this basket of goodies,” she said gesturing at the basket that she had been filling. “I need you to mind the shop,” she said lacing up her boots. “I shan’t be long.”
Scrunching up her face, Red let out another groan. She hated minding the bakery by herself. They had almost sold out of everything her mother had baked that morning. It would mean that she would be faced with taking orders and receiving abuse from angry customers who wanted to know where her mother was and why she had not baked them their cakes. However, her mouth turned up in the right corner when an idea came to mind. “Can’t I go to Grandma’s instead?” Red asked in a slight curious tone. It seemed far more logical to her if she were to make the trip to her Grandma’s house, that way her mother could remain at home, baking more of her goods for her ever increasing line of customers.
“The forest is no place for a young girl,” Red’s mother replied, upon Red’s proposal. “There are thieves, indecent men, wild animals and who knows what else lurking about out there.”
“But I’m not a little girl anymore,” Red protested. “I’m sixteen.”
“There are plenty of dangerous things for a girl of your age to be worried about when travelling such a long distance and by yourself too.”
“Mother,” sighed Red rolling her eyes. Plenty of her school friends were allowed to travel much further distances than she was and by themselves too. To add to her frustration, Red knew that her mother often travelled alone through the forest when she was her age, maybe even younger. “Stop worrying,” Red told her mother. “I’ll be fine. Grandma’s house isn’t that far. I’ll be there and back in no time, you’ll see.”
After giving it some thought, Red’s mother did see the advantage to Red’s suggestion. If Red were to go to her Grandma’s house that would mean that she could remain at home and get more baking done. It would also mean that she would not have to listen to Red complain, once she had returned, about wanting to be outside in the sunshine. Red’s mother sighed, giving in. “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt, just this once.”
“Yes,” Red hissed, jumping off her stool, clasping her hands together. Excited that she final got her own way, Red ran to the front door and but on her boots. Swiping her red cape from off the coat stand, she tied it around her neck, before returning to the front room to retrieve the basket that her mother had prepared. “Bye mum,” Red said as she kissed her mother on the cheek. “And thanks.”
“Be careful,” her mother called as Red skipped off towards the front door. “Now don’t stray from the path, do you hear me? And no talking to strangers.”
“I won’t,” Red sang out as the door swung closed behind her. She turned around to wave good-bye to her mother through the open window, swung up the hood of her cape and began her journey.

*

Breathing in the fresh air, Red sighed happily to herself, amazed with her freedom. This was the first time that her mother had ever allowed her to travel through the woods by herself. ‘About time too,’ Red thought to herself. As a bed of flowers drew near, Red bent down and hesitated at scooping up a handful of daisies. Standing back up right, she noticed a cherry blossom tree instead and snapped off a branch of budding blossom. “Perfect,” she smiled to herself, before tucking it inside the basket.
Carrying on through the forest Red began thinking about her mother’s worrying. ‘There’s nothing dangerous here,’ Red thought to herself as a pair of blue tits fluttered by, nesting against a near tree branch. Jumping up onto a rock, Red clambered her way to the top of the pile. Holding down her skirt in the breeze, Red stretched her head as high as she could, desperate to see over the many clusters of trees. With her Grandmother’s house hidden by the explosion of trees, Red climbed down and returned to the path, continuing her journey.

*

Despite taking the route several times before with both her mother and father, this time the trail to her Grandma’s house seemed to take forever. ‘That’s funny,’ Red thought to herself. ‘I thought that my freedom would make this journey shorter and more exciting.’ There was only one path that led from Red’s house to her Grandma’s and although the view was nice the long, lonely walk began to feel boring. As several stones lay in her path, Red made it her mission to kick them as far as she could.
“Hey, watch it!” came a gruff shout. Red jumped, startled by the voice. She had thought she was alone. Looking up, she spotted a boy, leaning with folded arms against a tree. His shaggy fringe edged over his eyebrows, shadowing his eyes from her sight. Despite his slight stubble, Red was certain that he could not have been that much older than her.
Blushing, she said, “I’m sorry.”
“Next time,” warned the boy, “watch where you’re kicking stones. You coulda had my eye out.” Bending her head contritely she apologised again. The boy shrugged. “So what’re you doing out here anyway?” he asked her.
“I’m going to my Grandma’s,” Red told him with a smile, pleased to have someone to talk to. The thought of her mother’s message, ‘Don’t talk to strangers,’ returned to her mind briefly, but she pushed it away, laughing nervously. If she never spoke to strangers, how was she to ever make new friends? ‘Besides,’ she told herself. ‘He doesn’t look like a thief.’
“These woods aren’t a safe place for little girls, you know?” he told her. Pushing himself away from the tree he neared her.
“I can handle myself thank you very much,” she retorted, sticking her nose in the air. “And for your information I’m not a little girl – I’m sixteen.” He gave a slight nod of his head and eyed the basket that she as carrying.
“So where’s your Grandma live?”
Angling her basket away from his curious eyes, Red replied, “The first house on the other side of the forest.”
“Arh,” he replied, his eyes gleaming. He knew the house well. There was only one resident who lived so close to the other side of the forest. An elderly lady, he was aware, lived alone and was often seen minding her vegetable patch and flower beds in her garden.
With a grin, the boy jumped to Red’s side, throwing his arm around her shoulder. “And would madam like an escort?”
Wriggling out from under his arm, Red frowned at him. “No,” she said forcing a smile and neatening the crease in her skirt. “I’m fine, thank you.”
She watched him gaze at her, unwilling to let her go. His interest in her churned away at her stomach. He was not just being friendly, that she was sure of. Pulling her cape around her arms it made her shudder as she realised that he may not be easy to get rid of. However, despite her unease, she could not help feeling herself blush as he brushed his scruffy, dark brown hair from his face and smirked, his blue eyes sparling in her direction. She swallowed, laughing nervously and curled a fallen lock behind her ear as his smile grew.
“You know,” he said in a conversational tone, jerking his head to the side, flicking his fallen fringe from his eyes once more. “If you cut through these trees, here,” he announced gesturing at the cluster of oak trees over his right shoulder. “You’ll get to the other side of the forest a lot quicker than you would if you stick to the path.” Looking beyond the boy, Red shifted her sight to the trees behind him.
Returning her sight to his she said, “Thank you,” before bowing her head and continuing her walk passed him. The direction which he had told her, she was quite certain, was indeed the direction in which her Grandma lived. Also, she hoped that by taking a shortcut she would not bump into any more people like him, even if he was rather handsome.
Before she passed him, however, he intercepted her step, grabbing hold of her right elbow. Red jumped, swinging her basket up, like a baseball bat. “Wait!” the boy yelled. Red stared at him, eyes wide. He let go of her arm and she lowered her basket. “I never caught your name.”
“What’s yours?” she asked him with a firm stare. He laughed, although Red could not tell whether this was at her, or with nerves.
“No,” he said with a smile. “I asked you first.”
“Red,” she replied simply.
“Red?”
She shrugged. “That’s what they call me.”
“Greg,” said the boy, holding out his hand for her to shake. He smiled, pinching his lips inwards. He shifted his sight from his hand to her and back to his hand again. Looping her basket over her left arm, the right corner of Red’s mouth turned up slightly at the corner as she shook his hand.
“Nice to meet you Greg,” she said with a nod and continued her journey.

*

Reaching the edge of the forest, Red could see that her Grandma’s house was in sight. It was the only house on the top of the hillside. Her late Grandfather had built the house many, many years ago and he and her Grandma had lived their happily together until he had passed away several years previous. Now Red and her parents often took the time to visit her Grandma, worried that she had become lonely.
With the entrance to her Grandma’s house just around the corner, Red smiled to herself, glad that she had listened to Greg and taken the shortcut. If she had not, she probably would not even be half way yet. She began to wonder why her mother had been so insistent that she kept to the path. Since her encounter with Greg, she had not bumped into anyone else during her journey. There had been a lot of interesting wildlife too: several birds, squirrels, frogs, rabbits and even a wolf. Despite living so close to the woodland, Red had never seen a wolf before. It rustled its shaggy, dark brown coat away from its face, determined to catch one of the rabbits, which had strayed from its group.
Swinging open the gate, Red skipped down her Grandma’s path, before rapping on the door’s knocker three times. There was no response. She knocked again, calling, “Granny, it’s me, Red.”
“Door’s open deary,” a voice croaked. Red frowned, it was unlike her Grandma to leave the door open. She sounded strange too – it was her Grandma’s voice, but something did not sound quite right. ‘Maybe she’s ill,’ Red worried.
Red let herself into her Grandma’s house and wondered from the living room to the kitchen and then to the bedroom. She tapped on the door before entering. “Granny, are you in here?” she asked as she creaked open the door.
“Mm hmm,” came a reply.
Closing the door behind her, Red neared her Grandma’s bed, asking, “Granny… are you okay?”
Again, came the reply, “Mm hmm.” Standing at the side of the bed, Red frowned at the stretched out body shape underneath the sheets. Reaching the bed occupier’s head, Red held in a gasp, widening her eyes. Although the bed occupier wore her Grandma’s nightcap, their face was smooth of wrinkles and scratched with stubble. ‘Is he stupid?’ she wondered, throwing the bed occupier a malicious glare. ‘Does he actually believe that I’d think he’s my Grandma?’
“You’re not my Grandma,” she told him fiercely.
“I am,” croaked a voice from underneath the rustling bedcovers. The bed occupier fidgeted in hopes of distorting their voice.
“Can the act Greg,” Red sighed. “I know it’s you.” Pulling her Grandma’s nightcap off his head, Greg wriggled himself upright, leaning against the bed’s headboard.
“Alright,” he said with a smug grin. “You caught me.” He winked at her. Swallowing nervously, Red glanced around the room.
“Where’s my Granny?” she asked him worriedly, rubbing her hand against her neck. Exhaling through his nose slightly, Greg stayed silent. “Greg…” Red said with caution, feeling her chest pull tight with anxiety. Stepping back several paces, she flashed her eyes around the room. ‘What’s he done with here?’ she asked herself. “Where is she?” she demanded.
A shuffling sound escaped through the wall’s built-in wardrobe. Hearing a noise, Red’s head shot in the wardrobe’s direction. Greg jerked himself forwards. Letting her vision leave the wardrobe slowly, Red returned her sight to Greg. “What are you doing here?” Eyeing her basket, he then looked her up and down.
“I was looking for something sweet…” he told her. “And I think I found it.” His smile made her heart thud and she felt her cheeks heat up. There was a shuffle again in the distance. Ignoring it, Red dropped her basket down on a nearby table and stepped slowly towards him, placing one foot directly in front of the other, letting her hips sway.
His lips parted slowly, as she sat herself down on the edge of the bed and pulled at the knot of her red cape. As the knot parted, the hood slid from her head, floating down to the ground. Her auburn hair cascaded from her shoulders. “I know what you’re after,” she said seductively, tilting her head to one side as she perched herself on the edge of the bed. Stroking her left hand up his right arm, she whispered, “You don’t really want the basket… do you?” She pouted, leaning over him. Curling her left leg over her right knee, her skirt rode up her leg.
His eyes drifted to her leg’s movement. Swallowing, his eyes followed the curves of her body up from her legs to her mouth. Parting his lips, he leaned forward, reaching his right hand out for her face. He stroked her cheek. His nose brushed against hers. He closed his eyes.
Holding her breath, she edges away, weaving herself out of his grasp. Backing slowly away to the wall, bearing a cheeky grin, her teeth bit onto the edge of her cherry red bottom lip. Undoing the top button of her blouse she watched him straighten. Leaning forwards, his head neared her, as if controlled by a magnet. Curling her index finger towards herself, Red lured him near. Eyes widening, he slid himself off the bed to pursue his interest.
He advanced. Reaching Red, Greg hooked his right arm around her waist, pressing his left arm against the wall, beside her neck. Leaning her face towards his, her lips parted as she brushed her leg against his.
Millimetres from her lips pressing his, Red slipped away under Greg’s arm. Undoing the bottom two buttons of her blouse she reached out for the bedroom’s door, before turning back to face him.
Confusion covered Greg’s face. One minute she was curved in his grasp the next she was gone. His head shot in her direction. Fluttering her eyelashes at him, she raised the edge of her skirt, revealing more of her upper leg. Curling her index finger towards herself once more, she skipped out of the bedroom door. He smirked. She was playing hard-to-get. Hearing a clatter of furniture, Greg found himself frowning, before continuing out to follow her.
His grin returned and grew further still as he entered the living room. Red was sat, leaning back in a wooden chair in the room’s centre. With her head tilted to one side and her legs spread, Greg could not bring himself to rush to her side fast enough. As he neared her, Red rose from the chair, waited until he stopped in front of her, then circled him. He turned following her. Stroking her hand up his torso, reaching his chest she pushed him into the chair. In one fast tug, he pulled off his shirt.
She stepped slowly to his right and behind the chair. Greg arched his head, waiting for her to reappear on the other side. He heard rustling. Twisting himself around to his left, he wondered what was keeping her.
Something pulled at his right hand. He twisted his wrist trying to free it from imprisonment. He turned to his right, tugging his arm. His wrist was trapped. Something scratched at his other arm. He turned his head. “Red…?” he called out, worry showing in his voice. Rocking to the left then right he tried to free his arms.
The floor boards creaked. Red came out from behind him. Rope in her hands she strapped him to the chair. “Hey!” he yelled, his voice hoarse. “What are you doing?” Looping the rope around the chair, Red tightened it.
“How dare you!” she raged, receiving pleasure from tightening the ropes grip around his body. Noticing that Greg could kick out his legs in protest at any moment, Red bound them to the chair as fast as her arms would allow.
With her task now complete, Red stood back and admired her work. Knotted to the chair, Greg attempted rocking himself from left to right in order to try and free himself. Re-buttoning her partially undone blouse, Red snarled, “How dare you!” once more.
“What?” muttered Greg, surprised by her anger, struggling to twitch his arm free from the knots Red had tied around them.
“You’re disgusting,” she spat at him, folding her arms, after lowering her skirt back to its normal length, having previously raised it. Shaking his head, Greg attempted to shrug his shoulders, oblivious to her sudden hatred of him. “You lure me away from the road, ask me where I’m going, break into my Granny’s house, lock her up in the wardrobe and what – attempt to sleep with me… and in my Granny’s bed?” Holding her hand to her mouth, Red tried to hide her gagging repulsion. Turning her back to him, she marched off to the bedroom.
“Hey!” he called after her. “Don’t you even want to hear me out?”
Turning abruptly to him, scowl placed on her face, she snarled, “Try me.” Tapping her foot with impatience she returned her hands to their previous folded position. Greg swallowed. His brow dripped with sweat.
“I wanted you,” he said blinking away drips of sweat from his forehead. Her expression remained unchanged. “You’re beautiful… Red… I-”
Repulsed at the sight of him and board with his reasoning, Red ran to her Grandma’s bedroom. Yanking at the wardrobe door, Red flung it open. Eyes pierced open upon the closet’s burst of light. Gasping at the sight of her Grandma tied up in silk scarves, Red tugged at the scarf’s knot, which muzzled her Grandma’s mouth. As Red removed the scarf, her Grandma gasped for air. “Oh Red,” she breathed. “Red, are you alright?”
“I’m fine,” Red said with frustration, digging her nails into another knot. In desperation to free her Grandma, Red’s fingers moved faster than her brain could translate to them instructions. “But what about you, Granny? How did he do this? Did he hurt you? Did he-”
Shaking her head, Red’s Grandma told her in a clam motherly tone, “I’m fine. It’s you I was worried about.”
Pulling away at the last knot, Red freed her Grandmother from the tangle of scarves. ‘She’s the one tied up and she’s worrying about me.’ Smirking slightly, Red shook her head. “Seriously Granny, I can look after myself. I’m not a little girl anymore.”
“No,” said her Grandma with a smile, squeezing hold of Red’s cheeks. “I guess you’re not.”

*

The pair of them ventured to the living room, where Red presented to her Grandmother the beast, who had incarcerated her and tried his luck at Red. Tied to the chair by Red’s late Grandfather’s old sailor’s rope, Greg growled, still struggling to free himself. “Why,” Red’s Grandma smiled with admiration at her Granddaughter. “You tied him up good and proper… your Grandfather would be proud.” Red bowed her head, blushing from her Grandma’s compliment. Nearing Greg, Red’s Grandmother observed Red’s handiwork. “I bet your Grandfather’s smiling down at us, glad that his blasted rope finally came in for good use.”
Still rocking from side to side, Greg’s limbs began to exhaust. “Let me go,” he growled between his teeth.
“After what you did?” Red said with disgust. “Never. You can stay there until you rot.”
“Now, now dear,” Red’s Grandma warned, sensing her Granddaughter’s anger. “There are better ways to settle things.”

*

Seconds crept by like minutes, minutes like hours. Red found herself constantly checking the clock. Half the day had passed by the time a pair of police constables arrived. Taking charge of the situation, they hardly believed Red’s tale. “A little girl could never come up with such an elaborate scheme,” one of the officers protested.
“Of course,” Red’s Grandma replied, who had boasted of her Granddaughter’s bravery on more than one occasion. “Any ordinary girl could never have dreamt up such a story, but this is no ordinary little girl. She’s smarter, braver and more cunning than our young fellow here,” she said gesturing towards Greg, who remained tied to the chair. “Why, you’ll be telling Red’s story for years to come.”

*

What Red’s Grandma said was true: her story was told for years and years to come… just not the original. Her mother refused to allow anyone to the truth. She even refused to believe it herself: that her little girl had flaunted herself in order to capture a beast such as Greg. And what happened to Greg? The police still unbelieving in Red’s tale, Greg got away with nothing more than a restraining order. Leaving his home on the outskirts of the forest, Greg was never seen by Red again. To her mother’s relief, Red never spoke of her story to anyone either, keeping what happened a secret between herself, her Grandmother and Greg. And that’s how the brave acts of a young woman became twisted to the children’s tale you know today.
But how do I know all of this and why should you believe me? Well to that the answer is simple, for the one you know as ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ is in actual fact me.
- Josie -

24 February 2016

Goof's Goof


(Josie Sayz: This is a flash-fiction piece that I wrote for a creative writing assignment. What would happen if your protagonist won the lottery? Congratulations to anyone who can guess who I based the protagonist on.)

It had been another useless day. He slumped down on the sofa with his head in his hands and groaned. He flinched as a spring sprang up between his legs. With another groan he lifted his left leg over the spring and shuffled along the sofa. He jolted into the arm as the sofa’s front leg collapsed. Gripping his ribcage he pinched his eyes shut and groaned for the third time. This had been his luck of late. The wallpaper was pealing, the floorboards were creaking, his nemesis had broken down his front door, the cooker had broken, his toilet was flooded, his latest invention burnt a hole in his carpet, his clothes were dirty, the rent was overdue, his plutonium delivery had been delayed, his new neighbours blasted music at inappropriate hours, his car had been towed and he had nothing edible left in the fridge. It was the price he paid for living in the cheapest apartment block for a forty mile radius. He couldn’t afford to live in any of the new, fancy high-rises with ensuite bathrooms and glossy laminate flooring. He tried explaining this to the door-to-door broom salesmen: he had no use for a broom as his floor was carpeted and he could not afford laminated flooring. He ended out purchasing three brooms and a mop, not that he had any use for them, or any money remaining after the salesman had left. The man had taken his every last penny.
          As the pain in his ribs subsided, he slid his hand down the back of the sofa’s cushioning and rummaged around for the television remote. Patting his hand around, he gave a jerk a few times when placing his hand upon numerous sticky and furry objects. He gave a shudder, certain that something under there moved. Clasping his fingers around the controller he yanked it out, shaking off the remainders of various leftover meals, before turning on his television set. He flicked channels to the news. Nothing would calm his mind more than watching mindless people race around panicking about something that probably was not even going to happen. He admired conspiracists, always managing to create fear in the public eye. He smirked. Soon it would be his creation that they would be fearful of… someday.
          He dragged his fingers up is face and through his hair. Hearing the voices of children playing outside, he gave another loud groan. Getting up, he went over to the window and slammed it shut. “Rotten kids,” he mumbled under his breath. ‘Maybe my next invention should be something to eliminate noisy children,’ he mused. That would surely earn him some credit back at headquarters. ‘I will call it the Children Noise-inator-inator…’ he beamed, straightening his back. His brow furrowed. His back returned to his usual slouch. ‘Okay maybe the name needs a little work.’ Shoving his hands into his lab coat pockets, he gazed down out of the window. His eyes fell upon the skip outside, piled up high with his failed and fragmented inventions. He gave a sigh and trudged back to the sofa.
          He needed a new idea. Something. Anything. His floor was littered with various balls of paper, all containing random sketches, ideas and designs for new creations. All failures. One was too technical. The other was not technical enough. One lacked originality. Another involved the invention of another invention, which happened to lie in the skip outside. He could have rebuilt it, but he needed more steel casing and he had used the last of it on his giant Shrinkinator, which had also found its way into the skip outside. He could not go and rummage around in the skip for his old inventions or parts either. He did not want the residents of his apartment block to know that they were his or to think that he was using these strange creations. As it was his nemesis that usually destroyed and threw out his inventions, he was certain that the residents of his apartment block were yet to connect these mysterious mechanisms with him. He did not want them to become suspicious of his behaviour – they already thought that he was odd, due to the strange sounds that derive from his apartment and that he was always seen wearing the same clothes: a white lab coat, black t-shirt and grey trousers. He could not buy any new parts for his inventions either. There were only so many internet purchases one could make from a credit card with no income to make any repayments. His occupation may have been Evil Genius, but unless he actually invented an evil contraption to sell to his boss, his money situation would only get worse.
          His status was a stake. He had not invented anything decent in a long while. His last brilliant invention was his Invisibility-Ray, but he accidentally turned it invisible during a fight with his nemesis and could not find the controls to make it visible again. All of his other inventions had either failed or being destroyed by his nemeses, before he had had the chance to put them to evil uses. How was he supposed to up his reputation amongst his fellow evil inventors if his arch nemesis always turned up and spoilt his plans?
          “Think Goof, think!” He growled at himself, thumping his palm against his forehead. A reason for his unpopularity with his fellow evil inventors and his constant clumsy nature, he put down to his name: Goofy. His mother had named him after her favourite ‘Disney’ character and now he was stuck with a personality to match. He hated her for it. He had longed to be somebody, like a Hank, a Leon or a Tyson… someone strong, someone daring and someone different. But he was stuck being a Goofy.
          Just as the pounding of his head was beginning to cause him some serious pain, he froze. Lowering his hand from his head, he stared up at the television. They were announcing the lottery result. He had a lottery ticket brush up in his face earlier that day and had pocketed it, in hope of putting an end to his miserable poverty.
          Squeezing his hand into this pocket, he pulled out the ticket. With his elbows on his knees and the tickets held between his thumbs and forefingers, the leant forwards. His eyes widened. He held his breath. His heart hammered against his ribcage. His pulse pounded through is body.
          “Four… eleven… seventeen…” the news reader announced.
     “Yes… yes… yes…” he whispered. His eyes widened. His eyebrows rose. His brow puckered. His heart drummed louder.
     “Twenty-eight…. thirty-seven…”
    “Yes… yes…” Sweat tricked from his brow. He edged forward. “Come on…”
     “And forty-two.”
          He stared at ticket. He held his breath. His vision blurred. His bottom lip trembled. “Yes,” he breathed. “Yes. YES!” he shouted. “I won! I won!” He leapt up off his seat, jumping up and down, his arms swinging above his head. “But this means-” He stopped. His arms fell to his sides. His eyes widened. He jerked his head towards his desk on the opposite side of the room. He ran. Grabbing his notebook and pen in his right hand his slid all of the other table’s contents to the floor (excluding his lamp) with his left arm. Flicking on his desk lamp he skimmed open pages of his notebook, sat at his chair and began scribbling down his ideas.
          This was it. This was what he had been waiting for. This was his chance to prove to headquarters that he was somebody. That he could make a difference to the institution. He could buy an entire apartment block. Own every floor. Every member of the organisation would have their own office space, their own work room. He could live in the penthouse. He would never have to travel to work again. He would have the whole top floor to himself. And with a skyline view too. He would never be late for meetings or interviews with his boss. He wouldn’t need a boss. He could be his own boss. He could buy the entire corporation. Every single evil, malevolent, criminal genius would be working for him.
          He could not help be cackle to himself. It was a miracle. He could not have planned it better himself if he had created a Lottery Ticket Magnet-inator, drawing the entire country’s lottery tickets into his domain.
         His inventions. He could make them all. He could make a Moon-Destructor to blow up the moon through his disliking of cheese; a Pigeon-inator to abolish pigeons because they always poop on his window; a Weather Machine so that it does not rain on his birthday; a Rude-inator which turns infuriating polite people into grumpy rude teenagers, making him appear the politest person in the world; a Duplicator-inator, because you never know when you might need two of something; an Image-Destroying-inator, where whatever image he inputs, it will destroy everything that looks like that image; a Traffic-Warden-Hater-inator that turns traffic warned into ducks, so that he never gets another parking ticket; a machine to transmits his silhouette into the sky at regular intervals so that people think he is the new Batman; an Age-inator, making the whole world appear older than he
is; a colony of Robotic Penguins, because everybody loves penguins; an army of giant robots to do his bidding; an army of giant robots to make an army of giant robots.
        
“And don’t forget, everyone, it’s the spring parade tomorrow,” announced the news reporter on the television, over screams and cheers from a distant crowd. The announcement broke Goof’s concentration. Slamming his hand on his desk, he wished that he had remembered to switch off his set. He made a note to create a News-Presenter-inator, before crossing the room to switch off the television. As he neared the television, the images of people dancing, cheering and shouting flashed before the screen. He gave another groan, rolling his eyes. The parade would be passing outside his apartment.
    
“A Parade-inator would do nicely,” he mused. Grabbing the remote control, he aimed it at the television set.
    
“…celebrating the start of the new season,” continued the news reported. “That’s tomorrow, March twenty-first.”
        
Goof dropped the remote. His mouth parted. He stared at the screen.  “No” he whispered. “No, it can’t be.” He shook himself. He ran to his desk. Scrounging the pile of papers that he had swiped on to the floor earlier, he searched for his mobile phone. That would have the correct date. “No!” he cried. “No! No! No!” He knew that he had been working hard and had been under a lot of stress lately, but he could not have got the date wrong date, surely. Grabbing his phone, he pressed the menu button. The screen lit up. ‘March 20’. “No!” he gasped. He darted across the room. Hi picked up his lottery ticket from off the sofa. His hand trembled. He looked down at the lottery ticket and read: ‘Draw date: March 13’.
- Josie -

18 February 2016

#TBT – Crop Circles


(Josie Sayz: I just came across an absolutely awful flash fiction piece that I wrote over ten years ago that got published in a local Junior-Tales book. I have no idea how it managed to get published – there must not have been many entries… either that or everyone else’s work was worse than mine. I honestly believe that this is the worst thing that I have ever written in my entire life… yet it got published. Anyway, it seemed a little Throw-Back-Thursday-esque, so I thought I’d share it… despite how awful it is. The flash fiction piece can be found here: JosieSayz, (2005). Crop Circles. In: Young Writers, (2005). T.A.L.E.S Totally Amazing Little Exciting Stories, p66.)
(Josie Sayz: Edit: I should point out that the theme was explaining cases of the supernatural, with a word limit. I actually feel rather foolish, putting it up here, but I was a little kid, so don’t judge me!)

Crop Circles
Ghostly, grim, ghastly gusts of terrifying winds surprisingly sprung upon the park’s grass field, on the night of the full moon. A high-pitched squeaking could be heard from the far distance. A massive, gigantic thing was hovering above the ground. A UFO! A real life UFO was loitering… landing. Suddenly a tremendous rocket-ike sound boomed from the air. Stenches of stinky, smelly smoke polluted the fresh park air. The spacecraft has taken off. No one would know that it was there… or would they?
          A crop circle! There left on the ground was a crop circle. No one knew where it had come from. Of course it was made by a UFO (an unidentified flying object, a flying saucer). It had to be a flying saucer. The crop circle roughly measured 250 feet long. A huge circle, surrounded by miniature circles and stars was swirled into the grass. Whoever knew that the aliens could make such interesting shapes and with such a magnificent flying saucer?
          Who could ever have imagined that there really are little green guys with extended index fingers that live among us, but up there in our solar system? Well now, it is proven that there are aliens. Crop circles indicate that an alien spacecraft has recently landed. The spaceship leave an imprint of what the alien spacecraft looked like underneath. There are hundreds of things for us yet to find out about the formations of crop circles created by our alien friends, but this is just the beginning.
- Josie -