I own my own home!

 Yey! I did it! I finally own my own home. I have just picked up the keys to my maisonette 

Buying My Maisonette

I have some very exciting news. I will be completing the purchase of my maisonette in five days time. The weird thing is that I am not excited. I think it is because it does not feel real. That, and I know that so much stuff has to happen before I can move in. I need to get the electricity reconnected and the faulty wiring fixed, then the gas needs to be reinstalled and the water needs to be reconnected. Then I need to wait for a new payment card to be sent out for the gas and electric, because I do not want the debt from the previous owner (I am purchasing a repossessed property) and I also need to figure out where on earth I top the payment card/token up at. Several people have already warned me about the two not-very-nice new agents shops that are around the corner from where my maisonette is.

The maisonette needs a new kitchen. There are no kitchen cupboards. Well, there kind of is, but it is strange. The kitchen is 11ft x 5ft. There is a cupboard under the sink and the narrow one that you put your cutlery in between the sink and the oven and that is it. There is one upper cabinet on the opposite side of the kitchen in the only place where a dining table and chair could go, so you will hit your head. I, also, dislike the tiles. I really do not want to prolong moving in, as this property purchase has already gone on five months longer than it should have, but I do not cope at all around ongoing works (apparently it is related to my autism) so I cannot move in without a finished kitchen.

I, also, want to paint the walls. There I no way that I am finally moving into my own place, having rented my entire life and not paint the walls how I want them. People who do not want or wallpaper their house to their taste are weird. I have also had experience where people think that builders and internal designers are the same thing, so they would not pain their walls, because they thought that buildres knew better. Let me tell you, that house looked like a three year old’s set of paints threw up and spread different colours all over the house. Ther was a lemon room, a periwinkle room, a sky-blue room, a pink room and burgundy room. Just thinking about it makes me shudder. Who thinks that’s a good idea?

Oh and do not get me started on blinds. As someone who worked in the blinds industry for two an a half years, and even prior to working there, I cannot stand people who have office blinds in their house, unless it is for patio doors. It dates that house and give it a 1980s feel, when blinds were first being introduced into homes. And then there are the people who do not have black out blinds in the bedroom, because it costs more, and they have dimout blinds throughout. How do they not know that everyone can see into their house when they have the lights on. Most people don’t even realise until the blinds shop received a phone call wanting to know why the neighbours said that they could see everything that he and the misses were doing that night. That is because you are an idiot and have dimout blinds in your bedroom! I am very sad that, I think, my windows are too big for the light grey, faux wood, venetian blinds that I really want.

I have some of my furniture already. My settee is stacked up, on its side, at the back of my mum’s living room, because the sofa shop could not hold on to it any longer. I also have my TV unit and a small side bookcase in my mum’s living room, in boxes too. I have my own wardrove, bookcase and a wooden cabinet. The only furniture piece that I will need to buy is a bed and a mattress. My mattress has had a spring broken in it since 2016, also, I ama middle aged woman and still only have a child’s bed. I have my 4ft x 5ft bed on order to be custom made, which I am really looking forward to. Oh and I have two rugs as well. I do need one more, but I am waiting until I have moved in to confirm the size.

My only worry is something that an occupational therapist said to me in January 2019. He said that he was worried that I might isolate myself entirely if I live on my own, which would cause my depression to worsen. He suggested that living with a friend or partner, and it being just the two of us, would be the ideal situation for me. I cannot share a space with two other people, even if they are both my most bestest friends in the universe. I wondered for the longest time why I always struggle in three people situations and again is it another thing that cannot be helped with my autism.

Part of me is not worried about the living on my own aspect, right now, because, for the most part, my depression is completely gone. I just have an incredibly, severe bad turn when something very strongly effects my sensory autism and I get overwhelmed. This is usually really loud noises, like the neighbours blasting music and screaming from6pm until 2am, while I am trying to sleep. I completely shut down, I am unable to move or remove myself from the situation and sometimes, when it gets really bad, I scream uncontrollably – like when ten fourteen year old were banging on my bedroom wall, while screaming, squealing, cackling and cheering and blasting music. Getting severely overwhelmed makes me suicidal… and it can happen incredibly quickly. The one thing that makes me less scared is that I will be on the first floor. There will be no one above me. The person below me and a recluse, old man. To the left of my maisonette is the outside wall and to the right is the communal corridor. The maisonette opposite the corridor to me is currently being sold too, but I know that no one will move in any time soon, because there is months of work to do it, which will hopefully all be carried out while I am at work. I leave the house at 6am and I do not get home until just after 5pm, so I am hoping that most of the noise will happen while I am out.

One of the neighbours told me that the road is usually very quiet. She said that when there is a fate on at the part around the corner, that can be noisy, but that only happens once a year. And the only other time it is noisy is during pride, which is very nice to know, being demisexual/bi, it is nice to know that my neighbours are not judgemental.

I think that is it for now.

- Josie -

Things Jeff Says

(Josie Sayz: Here is another installment of what I should probably call ‘Things Jeff Says’.)

Ree.
*Shouts:* DHL.
All clear.
Yeah, we’re alright.
Yeah, not too bad.
(Expletive) hell, look at them.
*Eats smelly food, with mouth open and tongue lapping noises, for over fifteen minutes.*
Mmmm…
I wann-ed t’ do that – I dunno.
Oh no. DETAILS JEFF. Detail.
(Expletive.)
*Inaudible grumbling.*
I dunno what was wrong with that one.
*Imitates French colleague.*
Seven, oh, one, eight, four, three, one, three.
*Grumbles.*
Peppler & Fuchs.
Why has that?
Them beacons. Hmm…
Why hasn’t that gone white?
Oh.
Dunno why that doesn’t come up like.
*Inaudible grumbling.*
Erm.
Okay, I see that one, then.
Oh, ‘e done an ee ex one.
Is ’e goin’ down?
Good.
On order.
Flippin’ ‘ell.
Err, ‘e do that.
‘ow can you not (expletive) reply, like that?
Erh?
Oh, guh-glasses.
Oh, fer God’s sake, Jeff.
*Bangs pen on table for twenty seconds.*
Whatcha name? What’s yer name? Whats ‘er name?
That’s it. Done!
Pebbler Fuchs.
(Expletive) got that wrong, en I?
United Arab Emirates.
*Eats second bag of crisps.*
Finn-ee-us.
*Inaudible grumbling.*
Right – all done.
Erm.
‘ERE ‘E IS!
Now,. What was that?
Pebble-r-fuche.
Now, let’s ‘ave a look at your quality check.
*Inaudible grumbling.*
Yer, good.
Great.
Mmm, very good.
R-out.
Yer, no tank wise marine.
*Throat chuckle.*
Arh, very good.
*Inaudible grumbling.*
*Burps* err-err-err-ruh-ruh-ruh.
Insta mention lime.
I ‘aven’t ‘ad a look, ‘ave I ? Should I ‘ave a look?
Good ol’ Donald!
*Tuts.*
Let’s ‘ave a look, shall we?
*Grumbles.*
Oh, brilliant.
Okay… GREAT!
Right, what am I doin’ now? Do I know? Yes, I do.
*Opens third bag of crisps at 11:39am. Eats with mouth open. Makes tongue lapping noises.*
“Inaudible grumbling Arh, that’s good.
*Tongue lapping.*
*Frustratedly:* Oh-you-door!
D-H-L!
Brilliant!
What am I doin’ ‘ere?
Oh, yes.
Martin Co-co-co-ora.
Change you are.
Good ol’ Ama.
Stupid little thing.
Right.
Erm.
*Throat chuckle.*
Think it must be another.
You-arh. I’ve had enough.
Commitment to excellence.
That ain’t right, is it?
(Expletive) off.
*Coughs without hand/elbow.*
*Tongue lapping.*
Two, eight one, where the (expletive) hell did that come from?
*Inaudible grumbling.*
Pepper-el-fuse
*Inaudible grumbling.*
*Bangs fingers on table.*
I know, don’t ur-urh-gurrr-urr I don’t, oh, I do.
Oh (expletive) where’s that gone?
*Eats cake with his mouth open.*
*Tongue lapping.*

During lunch, he decided to play something really loudly, on his computer, so I had to sit on the floor, on the staircase to have my lunch and read my book. We do not have a canteen, you either eat your lunch in your car (if you drive) or at your desk. I got very upset by this point and I struggled with human interaction for the rest of the day, despite being in a very good mood this morning.

The next day:
Right then, let’s go!
Good ol’ Trump.
I love good ol’ Trump!
Eeew err!
Arh!
*Imitates typing sounds with his tongue.*
Hrmm…
Oh yer, I could do that, couldn’t I?
‘ere ‘e is… Fab.
I know, I know, I know, I know.
Stock! Maintenance! Product!
What?
Who ‘as?
Blue army.
Oh (expletive) *inaudible grumbling.*
Don’t think so.
Perfect.
Exit! Exit! Exit!
FLA-DO-SH!
Eh-ha-ah-ah-ar!
*Takes his first cigarette break at 8:10am.*
Right!
‘ere ‘e is!
Ooow!
*Grumbles.*
Hmmm…
What day is it?
(Expleteive.)
Twentieth of the third, twenty, twenty-five. I’d better ‘ave a look then.
Shall we ‘ave a look?
Good question.
Rubbish.
Ain’t bad, is it?
Well done.
Brilliant.
Let’s ‘ave a look, shall we?
That’s a sign, that is.
That’s the one I want.
‘ere ‘e is. Told ya ‘e’d be in t’day.
‘ave we ever done anything on this (expletive) thing?
OH NO, IT ISN’T!
*He has a loud, aggressive conversation with one of my mangers.*
OH NO!
Ooow, paperclips.
Got loadsa paperclips as it is.
MILES AWAY!
Yes, that’s the way I’m gonna do it.
That’s the way I’m gonna do it.
Good question. GOOD QUESTION!
Yer, your favourite sayin’, that is.
(Expletive) sake, Jeff. Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff – come on!
Fer God’s sake, how dare you do that t’ me!
Oh, I see.
*Eats Walkers chicken flavour crisps at 9:15am, after returning from a second cigarette break. He eats with his mouth open and makes tongue lapping noises.*
*Chuckles to himself.*
Oh no!
What’s sher?
Arh no. Where’s that gone now?
Let’s ‘ave a look, shall we?
There’s no lose loss sales?
What time is it? Quarter to.
It’s comin’ err.
Two, three, one?
Two, three, one then. Let’s ‘ave a look.
Hmmm…
Aroo-nally.
Did oow send me ‘at email?
*Third cigarette break at 09:58am.*
Oow dear me, let’s ‘ave a look.
What’s wrong wiv dat?
Arh, fer God’s sake *inaudible grumbling.*
Right, we done that one.
*Eats second bag of Walkers chicken flavour crisps at 10:15am, after returning from a third cigarette break. He eats with his mouth open and makes tongue lapping noises.*
Good ol’ Andrew.
I DUNNO WHY I SWALLOWED A FLY!
Perhaps I’ll die. *Hums the song, as he goes to make a drink.*

- Josie -

Colleagues in my Office Part 4

(Josie Sayz: This is getting to be a regular thing. Jeff says some rather strange and annoying things. The only way that I am able to cope is by writing them down. Luckily, for me, he only works on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and he retires soon. This is what I had to put up with for the first couple of hours today.)

*Eats sausage sandwich loudly. Makes tongue lapping noises, the very second that work begins.*
How’s you do that? I dunno.
Oh, yeah.
Got that wrong then.
I got that wrong.
So, that’s changed.
Oh yeah.
Perfect, well done. Perfection personified, whatever that means.
There it is.
Ooh, *inaudible grumbling* I dunno what I’m doin’.
Yer got that wrong then.
OH DEAR, DEAR, DEAR, DEAR, DEAR!
I’d like to inform you that…
Oh, just one.
Oh, UK.
Oh, it’s you.
Scan it in.
Right, let’s go fer it.
I done that, ent I?
Erm… right… I, errr… done.
Ger on. Got one then.
That’s strange.
OH, THESE ARE NEW!
Thought they were old.
I’ll get on with this one, then.
(Expletive)
Oh fer (expletive) Jeff, will yer stop doin’ it?
I know where I, I know here I am now.
Right, brilliant.
*Burps.*
Let’s ‘ave a look, shall we?
Right, where am I? Come on, we know what we’re doin’.
Stock.
*Sneezes, but makes a screaming noise at the end of the sneeze that echoes into the corridor.*
Right, now what I want then.
I wanted… there, simple.
Tony all, some, wha.
Get a life, will yer?
That’s wrong.
Car-nate, I don’t wanna, car-nate, could be trouble.
Oh, she keeps changin’ these. Oh, I’ll find out.
Sounder beacons wrong?
Er… er…
Beacon.
*Inaudible grumbling.*
Good job!
Right.
‘ave ‘im.
I know what t’ do.
Go on the Klaxon website, that’d what I’m gonna do.
Trouble with Klaxon is everything comes up as (expletive) advertisin’.
*Inaudible grumbling* that’s Klaxon.
Right.
Workin’ on it!
*Grunts.*
Now.
*Opens ‘Walkers’ chicken crisps (I could smell them) with his mouth open, one hour after eating sausage sandwich. Eats with mouth open. Makes lots of tongue lapping noises.*
*Inaudible shouting.*
Okay, now I know where I am. Klaxon. Now, let’s go see if (expletive) head is in.
How is it in this fine country a yours?
Why yer got so many (expletive) certificates?
Why is that like that?
Arh, UK time.
Oh fer (expletive) sake, who *inaudible grumbling* to?
Who ‘e sent that to?
Right, we’re there.
Take circuits!
*Inaudible grumbling* I’ll go sort that out now.
Arrh!
That’s it, perfect.
Hmm…
I dunno what I’m doin’.
Oh no, it’s right!
Well, that shouldn’t be on.
Oh, that’s right, you Twuh!
Oh dear, dear, dear.
Is this the same, then?
*Fake laughs.*
Uh-oh.
One thousand, one hundred and twenty tills?
Huh?
Use that one then!
I don’t understand that one. I don’t. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand that one.
*Eats a cupcake.*
*Tongue lapping nosies.*
I dun understand this.
That’s *inaudible grumbling* that’s the one I want.
Arrr… naught.
Some-at not right here.
I’m confused.
Why is that there? I dunno.
That ain’t gone is it? No, the two hundred’s still there.
Musta be backorder.
*Grumbles.*
Grrrr!
Don’t like that.
Let’s ‘ave a look.
Yer, perfect.
Right, one thing to do, transactions.
RIGHT!
Good ol’ Jon.
Memory!
There ‘e is!
Good ol’ Steven Sherwood.
That’s be good, en it!
That’ll do.
All sorted.
Is that it?
WWOAH!!!
Got it.
*In a very small child’s screaming voice:* NAAAAAAH!
(Expletive) great AI assistant, What a loada rubbish that is.
*Eats a slice of cake, with his mouth open.*
*Tongue lapping noises.*
Echo.
Pebbler Fuchs!
Very good.
Oh, it’s two of ‘em, enit, yer.
Oh yes, it’s two labels.
Too many paws. That’s too many paws.
*Angrily:* What’s wrong with this?

- Josie -