The only people that I seem to
have relationships with act like they are still in their late teens or early
teens, yet I have never dated anyone below the age of thirty. Emotionally
immature people, or avoidants, as they seem to be called nowadays should never
be allowed on dating apps. It should be against the law. They should be forced
to pay compensation to the partner that they mentally abuse, and they should
spend time in prison, just to learn their lesson.
I will never date another person who blames me for being too anxious and to, “get
help,” when they are the one who created the anxiousness. Whenever I do see a
doctor and explain how I am feeling, they always tell me that I am only
anxious because my partner caused me to feel this way.
I have seen a handful of doctors,
used the Samaritans (before they removed email as a form of contact a few weeks
ago) and there is an “Avoidants” group of Threads. They have all helped me to piece
together the following ramble of thoughts:
Avoidants make deep connections with
you. They show up in the beginning, vibe heavy, and then vanish emotionally,
once it is real. They think that they don’t owe you communication. Meanwhile,
you’re sitting there wondering what you did wrong. They confuse intimacy with
danger, so when you ask questions, wanting consistency or express emotions,
they see it as, “too much.” It is not too much to want transparency and care
from someone you are connecting with. This causes anxiety, confusion and depression
in healthy people, and make anxious people even more anxious, people who suffer
from depression feel even more depressed. It isn’t “bad timing” it is emotional
unavailability being normalised. This is not healthy and it is not okay. This
is a form of mental abuse. Avoidant behaviour is the silent contribute to the
biggest emotional damage in dating.
Don’t give unlimited chances to
someone who offers limited effort. Repetition isn’t growth. Patterns don’t lie.
If they wanted to do better, they would.
You can’t fix their lack of
effort by putting in more effort. Love only works when it is reciprocated. You
can’t fix someone’s inconsistency by trying harder. You fix it by stepping back
and watching what they do. If they disappear when you stop working hard and
chasing, that’s your answer.
Someone who keeps you “in the
loop” but never commits isn’t standing by you. They are keeping you on standby.
Delayed clarity is still avoidance.
Someone who cares makes space.
Someone who doesn’t makes excuses. It’s not your jobs to convince someone to
show up for you. It’s your job to leave, when they don’t.
The right person won’t make you earn
their effort and affection. You won’t have to fight for a place in their life.
They make space for you without being asked to.
Consistency is the truest form of
love. Not grand gestures or empty promises, just showing up, day after day,
with honesty and effort.
They don’t need you consistently,
they need you on demand. Warm when they feel empty, gone when closeness
activates them. Your care becomes something they access, not something they
build with you.
You’re not a girlfriend; you’re a
nervous system tool. They come close, feel safe, get overwhelmed, pull away.
An avoidant makes me think: If I
stay calm, ask for less, and don’t push, but keep shrinking and shrinking and
shrinking myself, they might communicate with me at someone point. But then you
hold onto that tiny breadcrumb so tightly, with all of your desperation and you
feel that you should be grateful for that teeny, tiny offering. That isn’t
love. That isn’t a relationship.
When you bring up concern, they
say that you are the problem. They shift focus onto your tone, your timing, your
emotions, anything to avoid the issue. They refuse to put themselves in your
shoes and see how/why you might be feeling that way.
They ignore your needs and act
attacked when you express simple human needs. Asking for clarity, connection and
basic communication gets twisted into being “too much” or “too emotional.”
They do what they want without considering
you There is no mutual planning, no collaboration, just important life changing
decisions made on their terms, without asking for your opinion, without
discussing it with you beforehand. You are an after thought to their plans. They
expect you to just follow along with it, because you are there.
Real conversations are avoided at
all costs. The moment things get vulnerable or uncomfortable, they withdraw.
Being left feeling like everything
is always your fault. Leaving you to question yourself, your worth and your expectations,
even though all you wanted was basic communication and basic emotional safety. That’s
not asking too much. You’re not asking for too much, you are just dealing with
someone who refuses to take responsibility and expects you to carry the
emotional burden alone.
The hardest part of a breakup is
losing your best friend. Watching them turn on you, like everything we built
means nothing. The thin line between love and hate. It hurts so much.
If you could come back and say
you’re sorry, that you miss me and you want to try, I would take you back in a heartbeat.
I would hold your hand and help you; we could work on things together. The most
heartbreaking part is that a lot of avoidants never learn, or never change. I
had an ex-partner who did. He found someone who was good enough for him to want
to change. I am proud of him for learning, evolving and for not treating his,
now, wife, the way that he treated me for four years. I hope that you can learn
and change your ways too. I love you and I miss you, but I can’t cope with
being in a friends-with-benefits situationship with an avoidant.
-
Josie -
