Okay, this is a test
to see if I like using the dictation, in order to get on my thoughts out, and
to see if it works.
I don’t understand why my whole life everyone has been telling me to buy my own
property. I’ve purchased my own maisonette and people keep telling me that it
is an investment, however, it is not. If it was an investment, it would make me
money. Maisonettes and flats do not make people money. They are not increasing
in price. They are decreasing in price. Nobody wants to buy a flat anymore. People
are having to knock £20,000 - £50,000 off their maisonettes/flats and even
then, people still don’t want to buy them. Also, there is no point in looking to
own your own property if you are not going to have children, because it isn’t
an investment at all, if that is the case. I don’t have children, therefore I
do not have someone to inherit the property, therefore it is not an investment
for me. The only reason why I bought my own place, instead of renting, is
simply because when I rented with a partner, I still had to pay my mum rent.
The agreement was, when I owned my own place (because you have to pay for the
upkeep of the property) that I wouldn’t have to pay her rent too. In order for
a property to be an investment, I would have someone to pass the property down
to. I’d have someone to pass the money down to. Flats, apartments and maisonettes
are a means to an end, not an investment and anybody who thinks otherwise is cuckoo.
I purchased a repossession, so luckily, I underpaid for the property. It should
have been £130,000. I paid £110,000. It is now worth £90,000, despite renovating
it, adding a brand new boiler and a brand new kitchen, pulling out all of the carpet
(no one in their right mind has carpet nowadays. That in itself would downgrade
any property) fitting laminate flooring, restoring the laminate flooring in the
kitchen, having discovered it hidden beneath tacky vinyl, fitting modern
blinds, having the entire kitchen replastered, having all of the water pipes
replaced, all of the electrics replaced and a new fuse box. Then, on top of
that, if someone under the age of 25 did want to buy it, I would have to knock
a further £30,000 off the price, because the lease would need to be extended. Luckily,
I did not purchase my maisonette to make money. Now, I just have to find
somewhere to rent, so that my mum can live in my maisonette. I will never forgive
my stalker Lucy Henson for as long as I live. If I ever have the misfortune to
meet them, I will really, really, really not be polite.
On Sunday, I left my home at 6:30am and I got back at 7:15pm. I wasn’t able to
eat anything all day, because everywhere we went, the food area and toilets
were closed. I was absolutely exhausted. Despite being out for almost 13 hours,
I did only walk 13.5 miles and burn 1,944 calories – a lot of the day was
travelling by coach, train and bus. It was boiling hot and blue sky all day,
but the weather forecast said it was supposed to be cold and cloudy. I had a
lovely day out. We started off at Birmingham Airport, where we watched the
planes. We got to see Alan Sugar’s private plane, a spotty plane and a plane
with a bumble bee on its tail. After plane watching, we got a train and a bus
to Chasewater. I had never been before. I really enjoyed it. We had been hoping
to see an old steam train, but sadly there were running an old diesel train
that day. It was still a lot of fun. We got the train from one end of the park
to the other, then we walked back. I learnt a lot about the vegetation of
coalmining towns, which was really interesting. Sadly, all of the grass was
completely dried to a crisp, and there were places, where it looked as though
there had been wildfires. I did get to see two deer for the first time. We
stood and watched them grazing. A local stopped to talk to us and said we were
incredibly lucky, as he had lived there his entire life and this was the first
time he had ever seen deer there. We saw lots of dragonflies too! I had only
ever seen three dragonflies before, but on Sunday, I saw over twenty! I will
have to see if I can upload any pictures…
Mentioning dragonflies, I have always been fascinated with them and butterflies. I spent over an hour and a half in the Butterfly Farm in Stratford-upon-Avon last year – sadly, they don’t have any dragonflies though. I used to draw a butterfly and a dragonfly where I would like to have a tattoo, but I know that I couldn’t cope with the pain, as I have an incredibly low pain tolerance. Uncle Darren says his daughter uses an adult temporary tattoo company, where the transfers last for around three months. He said they also do versions that are body stickers, so that you can remove them immediately, if you need to be tattoo free for an interview or for wedding photos etc. When I meet Jay, I might ask them if they could tell me more about them.
I really wish that I still had contact with my last partner, because I learnt something new on Sunday that I really wish I could share with him. Last year, when he came t visit me, we met up at a park near my maisonette. In order to pass through the park and into the street, you have to walk through this:
Neither of us knew what this was or why it was at the entrance to the park. It makes
the park entrance feel really tiny and scary to walk through. My partner was
concerned that you cannot fit a wheelchair through it. Well, on Sunday, on my travels,
we passed through one of these and I asked if Uncle Darren knew what it was. He did.
He said it is a horse prevention gate, and that they are everywhere in the
countryside. He said they are to prevent wild horses and horse riders from
entering certain parkland. They are not intended to prevent wheelchair access
and he said that most wheelchairs do squeeze through the wider section at the
bottom. I was just very please to actually learn the purpose and that they are
not intended to hinder those who rely on a wheelchair to get about. As there
are lots of horse schools and an alpaca farm around the corner from me, having
their horse prevention gate at both ends of the park kind of makes sense.
My manager was off work on Monday and Tuesday. I absolutely dreaded going into
work, with how the HR lady, Amy, has been speaking to me (it is just the three
of us in our office). As predicted, Amy made me feel incredibly uncomfortable.
She didn’t say morning, when she came in; she said, “Did you get a lift in with
Philippa, this morning?” After last week, where she quizzed me about getting a
lift home from Steve, I just listed people who were in. She said, “I don’t need
to know who is in,” and then she ran downstairs. It just made being in the
office feel so uncomfortable and scary.
Amy keeps asking people on the shop floor questions about me and is telling
people that they shouldn't do things with me, or for me, because the company
didn't authorise it. She told Rob he shouldn't have accepted the birthday card
or pebble I gave him for his birthday, because the company didn't authorise it.
Amy sits next to me and couldn't say good morning. She wasn't using her Amy
voice when she asked me if Philippa gave me a lift, she was using her HR voice.
She has told Darren in the past that I shouldn't watch planes with him on
Sunday or do anything with him afterwards, because the company didn't authorise
it. When she sees me having a conversation with another employee, she has asked
them why they are being nice to me and what they are trying to gain from
talking to me, so I do need to be cautious. Yes, I do not know what her motive
is, but to be spoken to in a patronising way last week and be told that I need
to be careful, because too many people are doing nice things for me and I need
to be more grateful is scary. When I told Steve about this last week, he said
that I should report Amy, because what she was doing is wrong and out of order,
but I said I was too scared to, because she sits next to me and I don't want
her to act even more scary or become spiteful or aggressive.
I was a little worried, because Works Manager, James, was in the office on
Monday, until lunchtime. He still has chronic tonsilitis and he had been sick
multiple times that morning. I had to interact with him three times and he
handed me paperwork. I am scared, because if I catch tonsilitis, I will very
likely be out for a month and possibly end up in the hospital with it too. I
won’t just be off work for a week. Nathan understood, but he seems to be the
only one. He has to sit next to James, and he gets ill easily too. I did keep
saying that I am not trying to be mean. I am just trying to be cautious.
Amy spent Monday saying things like, "Josette, do you not have work to do,
because Steve isn't here?" and "Josette, are you doing work?"
When I had been working nonstop all day. I don't just sit at work twiddling my
thumbs, waiting for things to do from Steve every day. I have emails to answer,
labels to print, spreadsheets to fill in and queries on the shopfloor to sort
out. I was being both Steve and James, and they are both managers, so yes, I
did have work to do. There was not a time where I had been sat there not doing
any work, but the tone used was implying that I was.
I brought a packet of microwaveable popcorn with me for a healthier snack, but
I realised that I couldn't have it, because it will make a noise in the
microwave. No one has ever minded, when I have done it before, but with how Amy
was with me, I didn’t want her telling me off about the noise pollution, for
thirty seconds of popping.
Oh, I just remembered, last week on Monday, I was really lucky in the
McDonald’s by me I got to try the new caffeine-free strawberry candy floss
frappe. I really, really, really like it. It’s really sweet, but it’s
the exact sweetness that I really like and I was really excited, because I got
to try it a day or two days early, before its actual release, because the
McDonald’s were after feedback to find out what people thought of it. I still
paid full price for it, but I was really excited because I probably wouldn’t
have tried it otherwise, nor would I have known that was caffeine-free. That
was very, very, very exciting, and I am still excited, but I don’t have
anyone to share my excitement with.
Around twelve/thirteen years ago, I used to love Quaker Oats Chocolate
Porridge. I used to have it, for breakfast, every morning. Then around ten
years ago, Quaker Oats discontinued it. I was without a warm breakfast ever
since (I should avoid toast, where possible, because it makes my chronic constipation
worse). Around four years ago, they brought it back, only to replace it with Hazelnut
porridge. Despite being allergic to nuts, I was able to try the Quaker Oats
Hazelnut Chocolate porridge. I did have a little bit of reaction to it, but it
didn’t taste nice. That is an understatement. I hate saying negative things,
but it tasted horrible. It is so horrible that I didn’t even taste the
chocolate at all. So, I researched online and someone said to buy the plain/original
Quaker Oats porridge sachets and then by baking cocoa powder, and sprinkle a
little bit of the cocoa powder into the porridge before you put it in the
microwave. Well, that was an awful decision, as it tasted absolutely disgusting
and I had to throw my porridge away. It left an icky taste in my mouth and
after three mouthfuls; I couldn't eat anymore, so I won't be trying that again.
I now have a £3.95 tub of cocoa powder, at home, for no reason and nine more
sachets of plain porridge. I have thrown away the whole box of hazelnut
chocolate porridge, because that was so disgusting, I would not offer it to my
enemy to try (and yes, I have an enemy). I am not throwing away plain porridge
with cocoa powder in it, but I don’t know what to do with it. Now I am really,
really, really struggling to find breakfast I can eat, because they’ve
discontinued chocolate porridge and I’m really sad.
On Wednesday, I was so please to have Steve back. Director, Marc, gave me a
task to do at 08:25am. At any other company, probably in the world , this task should
have been easy peasy and have taken less than three minutes. Because I work for
a backwards company, who still operate like it is 1984 (I have, previously, worked
for a small manufacturing company who were established then, that is why I
picked hat date) with a server where nothing is saved in the right place, none
of the spreadsheets look like they were made by the same company and no one
uses a template or follows another spreadsheet or document, it was like looking
for a needle in a haystack. I needed to locate 38 documents and pass the blank,
electric copies over to an assessor. It took me around five and a half hours to
find all of the most up-to-date spreadsheets on the server, make master copies,
assign them to the correct folders, with the correct document number, then get
Nathan, Steve and Dan to check that I had actually found the most up to date version
of their spreadsheets (Steve had to guess if I had the right version of James’
spreadsheets as he is still off ill). What should have been a quick, simple
task took up almost all of my working day.
The morale at work is so low. No one wants to be here anymore. I have tummy
ache, light sensitivity and more sound sensitivity than normal. I have my hot
water bottle, tinted glasses and noise cancelling headphones with me. The past
few days have been a real mental struggle for me. I have another IBS flare up, which
is getting worse and worse the healthier I eat. If I were to eat pizza, crisps
and chocolate, my digestive system feels fine, but healthy food is giving me
severe cramping, a swollen tummy and it is making my chronic constipation even
worse that it was when I live with my family.
Despite people on the shopfloor settling their arguments, from last week,
themselves, HR (Amy) was still dragging it on. She wrote people on the shop
floor letters, asking people for witness statements for specifically, “raised
voices and swearing,” but no one did any of those things and all of the
statements showed that no one did those things, so instead she wrote everyone a
letter saying that if you plan to order lunch one of the days in the week, you
can’t change your mind (despite ordering lunch meaning you use your own money
and order yourself food from Just Eat) and you also have to ask everyone in the
company if they want food too, so you will have to ensure that you have enough
money on your bank account just in case all 25 people are all in the factory
and they all want food, because even when they give you physical money for it,
you have to order it using your bank card on the Just Eat app. I think that
rule is ridiculous. If I think on Monday that I might like to order food on
Thursday, but then I decide on Thursday that I don’t want to (I never order
food by the way, this is hypothetical) I am not allowed to change my mind, just
in case someone in the company has heard that I might order lunch on Thursday
and assumes that means I am paying for everyone to have lunch. That is now the
new company rule that Amy invented this afternoon.
I had excruciating tummy ache, this morning. I was so scared, because I was in
so much pain. It has eased a little now though, so I want to try to spend my
evening getting the last of my thoughts out of my head, so that I can have a
weekend, where I don’t overthink things or get wound down with a repetitive thoughts
that won’t leave me alone.
I am the one who said I want it to rain forever, but then we have had a
heatwave ever since. Last time, when I said that I wanted to take a sabbatical
from life, lockdown happened and I ended out working seven people’s jobs and I
was more busy than ever, being on call/working 24/7, while everyone else got to
sit in their gardens and work from home. Now I am being punished, as all I can
hear is constant screaming. Every time I open my windows, all I hear is
screaming. The chavvy woman who lives next door keeps having a go at me for
chopping vegetables in my kitchen, with the window open, as she says she and
her children don’t want to hear me chopping. Every time she sees me, she shouts,
“Chop! Chop!” (and she gets her children, her parents and friends to join in).
She is very horrible and aggressive about it, but it is okay for her to scream,
“Woooh!” all day long, project her voice incredibly loudly to the radio and
just be at 100% volume 100% of the time. I can’t walk through parks, because
they are full of kids screaming. I do not know the difference between screaming
from something being wrong and screaming for the sake of it. I really think
that if you are old enough to be at school, you are old enough to know better
and should not scream. If you do scream, you should have a criminal record for noise
disturbance/anti-social behaviour. If you scream too often, you should, also,
have to serve time in a juvenile detention centre, to teach them a lesson.
The last few days have been a little difficult, because Monday will be thirteen
months since I met someone who changed my life. At good times, they were
wonderful, and they gave me hope and made me realise that I could be with
someone, and that I could be happy, however, the bad times were hard… very hard.
I know I had to end things with them, because they didn’t treat me like I was
their partner. It wasn’t fair on me, and it wasn’t fair on them. I know that if
I was the right person for them, they would treat me like I was their partner,
but they did not. It does not make it any less hard. It does not make me miss him
any less. I still love him, and I still want to cuddle him and want to see him.
I still want to know if he is okay… and not having that last one is really
hard. It’s really, really hard not knowing if he is okay, if he is happy…
if he needs a hug… if he needs a friend. I really do wish that we could be
friends. I miss him every day. In an alternate universe, he will appear at my
door step, apologise for not communicating with me and for not treating me like
his partner, and I will apologise for not holding on for longer to the mental
abuse and not being tough enough to cope. We will cuddle and both promise to communicate
better and try again one day in the future. I know I am being silly and that
this is just a fairytale, little thought. It would still be very nice though.
I think I may have discovered a huge red flag, when dating. The biggest sign
that someone is too immature for a relationship is, if as an adult, they still
have the same sleeping pattern as they did as a teenager. I have only ever
dated two people that, when in their thirties, they still went to sleep like
they were eighteen – staying up late to play games with friends or watch TV or
even just working through the night. As an adult, the time that you start work
is the time, twelve hours later, that you go to sleep. I go to sleep later than
the majority of my workplace, between 8pm and 8:30pm. We start work at 7:30am,
therefore we should all be in bed by 7:30pm and practically everyone does. We’re
all adults, so of course we do. It is easier to go to sleep at 7:30pm in the
winter, and during Greenwich Meantime, but during British Summer Time, with
faux venetian blinds and blackout curtains, it is still too bright. But back to
my point, I really do think that anyone who still acts like a teenager, with
their sleeping habits, is too emotionally immature for a relationship. You will
only get a situationship, and those are way too mentally abusive for me to be
able to talk about right now.
I am not being controlling or trying to change you, by wanting you to not
emotionally treat me like we are just 13-year-olds, hanging out, when we are in
our mid-to-late thirties and in a serious relationship. If I am your partner,
you should treat me like your partner. You should treat me like we are in a
serious partnership or relationship, and we are in our mid-to-late thirties! If
I am in a relationship with someone, I do not want to be treated like I am just
some fling, that I mean no more to you than a situationship at a 13-years-old did.
That is not a relationship. That is a situationship. That is not me being
controlling. It is not me trying to change you. It is me trying to ask for you
to treat me like I matter to you, to grow up and stop being so emotionally
immature.
It is incredibly immature to make life changing decisions without consulting
your partner first. If you are in a relationship and you make a decision that
not only changes your future, but also changes the future of your partner, you
are the one being emotionally immature by not discussing this with them. You are
able to discuss this with your friends. You are able to discuss this with your
family. However, your life changing decision does not affect your friends or
your family. Your life changing decision affects your partner first and
foremost. I am not being controlling and I am not trying to change you by wanting
you to discuss your huge life changing decisions with me, if I am your lifelong
partner, because it is going to change my life too! You are being immature and
selfish by not discussing the changes that you intend to make with me, when it
affects me.
Why is it wrong for me to be treated with respect and dignity, and to not be
taken advantage of? Why is it wrong for me to want those things, but it is, not
just okay, but normal and expected for everyone else to want those things?
I changed so much for you, but you refused to treat me like I am your partner,
in her mid-to-late-thirties. You would only treat me like some random girl you
are dating at thirteen years old and it doesn’t really matter how you treat her
or communicate, because you’re only thirteen. Words only make up 12% of
someone’s intent. If you do not mirror the other person, during conversation,
and meet partway, you are rude and very immature. It is the same in written
communication. If you do not mirror the other person and meet halfway, it is
like you are having two separate conversations. Asking to meet in the middle is
not controlling or trying to change someone. It is human decency. If you refuse
to do so, that is just you being immature and selfish, not, “I don’t do things
like that.” Please grow up, so that you do not hurt anyone else. I know that I
am not the right person for you to want to grow up for, but please listen to
me. If you do not grow up, you will be hurting the next person that you date,
and the next, and the next. I am not saying these things for my benefit. Yes, I
would love to have a loving and caring relationship, built upon mutual respect
and trust, but if I cannot have those things with you, please, promise me that you
will do the right thing with your next relationship. Please, promise me, that
you will treat her with respect, love, dignity and that you will never take advantage
of her kindness. Please, promise me that you will meet her halfway, in both
physical conversations and written ones. Please, do not let your next partner
go through the same pain and heartache that I did. You deserve to be happy. You
deserve to find someone who will make you happy… and she deserves to be treated
right.
Where my mum works, it’s a supermarket (Morrisons) and it’s about 5 miles away
from me. It’s in a little bit of a rough area. She has been struggling a lot,
lately, because the supermarket has been broken into three times in two weeks.
The weird thing about the break-ins, is that the person breaking in isn’t
stealing any of the money, food or supplies. They break into Morrisons, smash
up the self scan machines and the kiosk till and that is it. One time, they did steal a role of un-activated scratch
cards (so if there is a winning card, it is invalid) and they did steal a
packet of Pokémon cards. They are not stealing the money that is locked in the
tills. They just seem to want to smashed up the tills and leave. It seems
really odd. The only thing that makes sense, to me, is that it might be someone
who has stopped taking their medication, because why would somebody break into
a shop and not steal the expensive groceries or money? They are just smashing
things… and they always smash the self scans and kiosk till, so I find that
really strange.
Another thing I want to ask was, how do people find time to watch television? I
get home from work and there just isn’t enough time. I wake up at 4:55am. I
leave the house at 5:45am. I start work at 7:30am. I finish work at 4pm. I get
home at 5:45pm. By the time I have washed up my stuff from the day, made myself
something to eat, have eaten, made myself lunch for the next day and spoken to
my mum on the phone, it is about 7:30pm/8pm, so it is time to go to bed. I just
don’t understand how people find the time to do anything. Why do people pay for
a TV license or, what are they called, the apps where there are TV shows on
them that you pay a monthly fee for? No one can be getting their money’s worth,
surely? That must be £5 a month wasted, at least.
It is very, very late now, I have been interrupted so many times. All I want to
do is to go to sleep. Oh no, that reminds me. I keep having a reoccurring
nightmare, several times a night, where I am walking to work in the dark, so it
must be winter. I overtake a man, standing still, looking at his phone. After I
walk past, I can hear that he starts to walk, so I increase my pace. I hear him
increase his pace, so I walk a little faster. He copies. I begin to powerwalk.
So does he. I begin to slowly jog. The man behind me does the same. I start to
run, and he chases me. I run into some random family’s driveway and I start ringing
the doorbell frantically. I turn around and he runs right up to my face, then I
wake up. I recognise the face so clearly. I know I must have seen him before.
Well, I know that I have, because the brain does not invent dream people. It
uses faces that you see in your day-to-day life, but do not register to memory.
It is a terrifying dream. Every time I go back to sleep, I have the dream over
and over. Several people at work have said this is why they do not want me to
walk to and from work. It is why I am always scared to, as well. I have never
dated someone who shares that viewpoint, though.
-
Josie -
