I finally have a moment, where I
feel I have time to myself, time to actually do something, but my brain cannot
do anything. I had an overwhelming moment, earlier today, and now my brain is going
to struggle until I go back to sleep. To cut a long story short, I began
noticing that my medication for my B12 deficiency wasn’t working. I spent the first
few weeks of the year so drained and with such a heavy head that I was worried
that I might end up permanently bed bound. I changed the medication and my head
has been feeling a thousand times better. I had no idea that I had been dealing
with such intense brain fog for, probably, my entire life. I have never experienced
my head feeling so clear and free. However, it has come with its negative
parts. I think the intense, heavy brain fog was partially protecting my autism
from getting so overwhelmed with things, because now sounds are a lot worse than
they used to be. A lot worse. And just for clarification, sound is the sense
that I struggle with the most. I always have, ever since I was little. When
sounds are too loud, I get routed to the spot, unable to move, or open my eyes.
The residual sound and effect is very intense and leaves me shaken up for a
long time. As someone who is the production coordinator for the UK’s biggest
siren factory, I have been having to wear noise can celling headphones just to
get through the day. Noise cancelling headphones do not do an awful lot, but
they help me from being completely rooted to the spot and almost unable to
move.
Part of me wants to work on one
of my many stories, but I know that if I try to, it won’t be as good as it should
be.
Another reason why I have been struggling
so much this year, is that work has become so incredibly toxic. It is as though
everyone decided, over the nine day Christmas break, that they were going to
become selfish, spiteful, gossiping toads. I think I have figured out that people
who like to watch soaps, like drama. The people whose lives are perfect, need
drama, to make their lives entertaining. So, rather than cause drama in their
perfect life, they cause drama in the workplace. I really, really, really
cannot tolerate it. So many colleagues (despite there only being 28 people,
including me) have really wore out my patience. Someone who I trusted so much,
they were my emotional support person, has completely stabbed me in the back, and
is trying to get me sacked. He cannot admit that he has ever made a mistake and
done something wrong, so instead he has filed a complaint against me and wants the
company to chose between us both. He knows that I financially struggle to make
ends meet. He is close to being a millionaire. He used to be the vacuum guy, Mr
Dyson’s, right hand man. He owns three homes in the UK and one in Australia. Oh
and he drives a Range Rover. He doesn’t need the job. He can retire in Australia
any time he wants to. But for some reason, I am his next target. I was supposed
to discover my fate yesterday, but my useless excuse of a manager didn’t
discuss anything with the production director until six minutes before I finished
work. I wish he had spoken to the sale director, because one, he likes me more
than the production director does (as the production director is just as two
faced), and two, my step-nan worked for the sales director’s dad, so we kind of
have a trusted bond. The sales director knows that I would never sabotage the
company. He, also, wouldn’t get rid of me because of some stupid petty squabble
on the manufacturing shopfloor. The sales director invited me to a ball. The
production director didn’t invite me.
To add to all of that stress,
my partner has decided that he wants to purchase a property almost fifteen
miles away. He cannot drive. I cannot drive. I know why he wants to buy his own
property and why he wants to live in the specific area. I fully understand and support
him. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Yes, he says that he will still want
to see me and nothing will change, but he is thinking with his heart, not his
head. Of course it will change. Right now, we see each other two to three times
a week. If either of us are having a bad day, I can just go and see him. He
only lives 2.5 miles away. I am struggling, with it being dark, so we don’t get
to see each other, in the weekday evenings, for as long as we both would like,
but we still get to see each other. Then he stays over at mine on most
weekends. My home already feels empty without him here this weekend – he is at
a gig with his dad today. He just doesn’t seem to see that things will be very
different once he moves away. It is going to be so much harder once he moves
away. Usually, the closer couples get, the closer they live together, not the other
way around. There will be no seeing each other after a long, hard day. There
will be no coffee shop meet ups. There won’t even be him staying over at mine almost
every weekend. We will be going from seeing each other two to three times a
week, to once every four to six weeks. He keeps saying that nothing will
change, because he loves me so much and he will miss me, but that is him
thinking with his heart. We won’t physically be able to see each other and spend
the time together, like we do now. When close relationships essentially become
long distance (whether there really is distance or not) you have to think with
your head. I don’t want a long distance relationship. That’s the whole point of
telling Bumble what distance to look for a match. Robert lived 33 miles away,
and he drove, and that was still hard. I know this isn’t as far away, but when
neither of you drive, it might as well be. I will have to walk three miles to
the train station, get a twenty minute train, then walk a further one to three
miles, depending on the location of the house that he purchases. And for
someone who really struggles with public transport and had a horrifying
incident one morning on the way to work that mentally scarred me to the point
that a colleague now has to drive me to work, I am going to struggle. It is going
to be hard for me. I am not going to be able to be the same person that he is
used to being around on the weekends, when I see him. I am going to be more
like the person that he sees after work, who is stressed and emotionally
drained, who struggles to place an order at the café that we go to all the
time. I don’t like that version of me and I don’t want that me to be the only
me that I can be around the person who makes me feel so calm and happy. I don’t
need him to cope. I do need a clear and safe connection to cope. That isn’t being
needy or clingy or codependent, that is just the basic human needs for a
relationship to work, especially when one has sensory autism.
I have been working hard to try
to help myself. I have recently reached out to several old managers, so I now
have my backup career options. My partner did explain to me that you always
have to have a backup job at the ready, even when you are successful in your
job. He is incredible and I really admire him, and am proud of him. I wish that
I could be more like him. But, yes, I have found three managers, who I have
previously worked with, on LinkedIn and I have reconnected with them, just in
case. If worst comes to worst, my mum can get me 20 hours, where she works, but
that won’t be enough to pay my mortgage, council tax and bills. I do hope that
I can remain in a proper job, and not have to go back to a retail job. There is
something very demeaning about not having a proper job.
Okay, I have had a bit of a
break, watched a few videos, spoke to my mum for almost an hour and now it is
bedtime. At least I am being good and sticking to my bedtime. With any luck, I
can get between nine and ten hours sleep again tonight, so that my heavy fuzzy
head will recover. I guess at least, if my partner isn’t staying over tonight, I
can have the duvet (he is a duvet stealer) and he won’t wake me up snoring. It
does mean that I don’t get cuddles every time he rolls over in his sleep
though, or if I am having a bad dream, he won’t hold me until I calm down.
Goodnight blog. Hopefully I will be able to finish tidying tomorrow, do some more
beginners yoga, cook lots of meals for the week and maybe have a bath. That
sounds nice.
- Josie -
