Do What You Love, With People Who Make You Happy

Rob gave me a cuddly, yellow chick yesterday. It is the softest, most cuddly plushie I have ever felt. I can’t upload a photo from my phone, but I will try to add it on here from my laptop sometime. I couldn’t stop cuddling her. I named her Sunny, influenced by her bright yellow colouring and cheerful expression. This kind gesture of gifting her to me, instead of throwing her out, meant so much to me. I gave him the biggest of hugs and this gesture and this plushie have actually helped my sensory autism overwhelm burnout more than anything. Last night, for the first time in longer than I can remember, I was able to bring myself to do something. I had a bath. I actually felt like doing something. Then, I had a successful meeting with a new supplier, by myself, without my manager helping me. Then, when I got home today, I cleared out the fridge and took the rubbish and all of the recycling down to the communal bins. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to do much, but it was a start. I am still struggling and staring at the wall, but baby steps.

 

There is a huge rant that I really want to make about how the dumbest person at work thinks that her connotation of the word “immature” is the same as the denotation of the word, when it is in fact the opposite, yet she is somehow leading an uprising within the manufacturers, despite also being the youngest, as well as the dumbest and more immature. People in their 50d are listening to a dumb child.

 

Then there is the rant about stupid people complaining that social media accounts are full of content that they do not want to consume. Social media presents you with content that it thinks you want to consume based solely on what you engage with, even if you only click on it to see what it is. I was only able to have Instagram for around three months before I had to delete it for my personal safety, but I was only ever recommended plushie pictures and accounts of women with the same type of sensory autism that I have, who cannot cope when plans change, people change, losing contact with anyone and knowing that every single things that happens every day changes a person’s personality, so if you don’t have regular communication with someone they become a complete stranger to you and you have to learn to get to know them all over again. Then the only other experiences online I have are YouTube, where my recommendation list is tarot videos, art videos, free public domain audio books and dungeons and dragons type videos. When I had LinkedIn the only content I saw were from electronics companies talking about the global scarcity of certain lines and the effects the new global shipping routes are having on sales, a few solicitors, but it was mostly posts from the publishing industry, following my subscription to some small publishing companies newsletters. When people complain about inappropriate videos, news articles, influencers and articles they can’t stand, stop engaging with them. The joy of the internet is that you can personalise it to exactly what you want to see. I miss having the contact with the few friends that I had on Instagram. I loved that whenever I felt down or was made to feel not worthy or not good enough to communicate with, I could open a website filled with everything I wanted it to be. There were Jellycat collectors, Charlie Bears enthusiasts, Build a Bear creators, people who only collected plushies of a certain colour, there were sensory autistic women who posted fantasy stories they liked, fabrics that were sensory safe, collections they were making, small little milestones that they had achieved, things that they had learnt about friendships and relationships that were really helpful to me. I can’t have that anymore because certain Gen-Z and people who act like they are Gen-Z when they are much older, made it unsafe for me. My point is, why are people so stupid? You can like what you like and social media will just show you these things. If you don’t like something, don’t engage in it.

 

Back in 2017, I used to have a quote on my desk that I got while on holiday with my partner. It said, “Do what you love, with the people who make you happy.” I think the world would be a much nicer place.

 

I wish that I could create my ideal little bubble. Nothing super fancy or anything expensive or special. I just want a job similar to what I do now, but at a company that doesn’t keep inventing new rules every week based on immature rules of primary school, or taking away the human rights of single people. I would want to find someone who actually wants to settle down and have a quiet, cosy relationship, without drama, who doesn’t still act like a teenager. Just a simple, quiet, calm life, where I can read books in peace, go to sleep without people next door or downstairs blasting the TV until midnight (I currently cannot sleep, because the man below me is watching TV), where I can write stories, have my teddies with me, enjoy cuddles and not have to worry about the world outside. I want to do what I love, with the people who make me happy.

 

 Here is Sunny with Snuffles (in his new hoodie from Uncle Darren!)

 

I have done everything I need to in life

 Yesterday was a very long day. A 15 hour day. It was hard. I knew it was going to be. I didn't want to do it, but I had to. I had to be there for a friend on the anniversary of a very hard day. We travelled out to a place that meant a lot to them. They phoned their daughter and told them that they were very grateful that I came with them on this painful day. They thanked me and told me I had helped.

Tonight it made me think, I think I have done everything that I need to do in life. I worked my way up, through work. I proved everyone in my family and friends, who have come and gone, wrong. I could do it. I have bought my own place. It is a maisonette, so it is going to lose me money, not make any, as they aren't sell-able anymore, but everyone says that your supposed to purchase a property, so I have done that. Everyone says that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but I do not think that is true at all. From a writer's point of view, I have more life experiences.

I am, now, at the point where I don't think there is anything left for me. Not in a suicidal woe is me sort of way, just in a, I have done everything that I need to in life. There isn't anything left to want, because what I want, I can't have.

I am not interested in steeping up any higher in the workplace - I push myself mentally to he point of almost fainting every single day at my job being a production coordinator and covering managers, when they are off sick, I couldn't cope with any more stress.

I have no interest in losing money by selling my maisonette. Aside from making a will, as I have not done so since purchasing my property, which I know is a terrible thing to not have done, especially as an unmarried female, as every penny that is in my name would automatically go to my biological father, by English law. So I need to make sure nothing goes to him and it all goes to my mum.

I cannot have a partner and get married, like I always wanted... to experience the safety that I never had growing up... to come home and you both just be there, respect each other, enjoy a meal together once, maybe twice, a week... to cuddle them and feel loved. My personality type only makes people want to be more independent and push me away. 

The autism overwhelm/burnout has only been getting progressively worse, especially over the past six to eight weeks. The toxicity and hostility, at work, has made it so hard just to function. I am not allowed to wear my noise cancelling headphones anymore. I am not allowed to just say, “Morning,” and, “Bye,” to the immature colleagues who make work insufferable. I now am being told that I have to act like I am their best friend in order to, “Keep the peace.” I do not know how to do that. With emotions, there is no black or white. I am not necessarily crying because I am happy or sad, there are loads of emotions and things in between that can cause that. It is the same with autism. It is not a case of you are either autistic or you’re not and everyone who is autistic is exactly the same. I like to explain to people that autism is like a rainbow. Someone could be autistic and be red, which is nothing like someone else with autism who is purple. I am not good at maths, I am not highly functional at all times, I do not constantly need to calculate things. I have sensory overwhelm. I hate going out to places. It will never feel natural or comfortable. In order to do those things, someone will always need to be my crutch or walking stick, as I cannot do those things without that. But in the workplace, communicating with people is black or white. I either speak to you naturally, in a positive way, where I try to brighten everyone’s day, keep the peace and never get involved with confrontation, negativity and gossip, or I only say, “Morning,” and “Bye,” and we only speak if it is regarding work. If you need me to fake being your best friend, you will have to pause for my response, as I will need to explain each interaction to AI and have it explain to me what I am allowed to say, what tone of voice in which to say it in, if I can or cannot make eye contact and what body language I am supposed to use.

The petty squabbles, the toxic rules and judging in the workplace is making it harder and harder each day. I have been experiencing light headedness, tingling in the front of my forehead, coming very close to fainting (by narrowly avoiding the ringing in my ears) and having very heavy pressure over my eyes that never goes away. It does not go away outside of work. When I get home, I no longer have the mental capacity to do anything. I cannot wash up a cup, cook food, tidy up, sweep/bleach the floor, have a bath/shower, wash my face, wash my clothes, tidy things away. Whenever I try to do something, I end out starting at whatever it is I am trying to do for hours, without moving, or I just collapse onto the floor. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I stare at the wall or the ceiling, until I can crawl into bed. The weekends are no different. I spend Saturdays in bed, unable to mentally bring myself to do anything. Not out of laziness, but out of mental exhaustion. Sundays are full of masking and dread, knowing that I have to fake that I am happy and fake being okay for extended periods of time, while the few nice work colleagues that I have, take it in turns to make sure that I do something with my weekend. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for them, but with the autism overwhelm burnout being so strong, I do not enjoy a single second of existing. It takes all of my concentration and mental energy just to get through the day. The heavy pressure never leaves my eyes. It is like I have not slept in a year, despite me getting between 6 and 8 hours sleep most nights.

As the autism overwhelm/burnout gets worse and worse with every passing week, and I cannot do the only thing that will improve it – take a week off work, I am stuck. The HR lady, at work, will not grant permission for me to have a week off, as I do not fall into her agreed reasons for annual leave. I cannot take time off work via a doctor’s note, as I will not be paid, and therefore cannot afford the mortgage, council tax, utilities, broadband, service charges, communal charges, ground rent, standard monthly fixing fees and food if I have no money.

I do not have anything else in life. I have done all I need to do. I am as high up in a career as I can mentally cope. I own a property, despite it providing me with no financial gain. I have experienced multiple situationships, to learn that I am the problem and I will never be able to have a relationship, find love or be happy with someone. It isn’t physically possible. I do not know what it is that is wrong with me, but I have accepted that this is the case. That is it. There isn’t anything else left to do. I am not living. I am existing from day to day to pay the bills. I do not have a life outside of that. I cannot cope doing anything, because I cannot clear the autism overwhelm/burnout. I cannot clear the autism overwhelm/burnout, because I am not allowed a day off. I cannot attend a job interview because of the autism overwhelm/burnout, so I can never leave this toxic, hostile workplace.

I have written stories. I have written poems. I have drawn pictures. I have taught myself to sew. I learnt to handmake cards. I taught myself tarot from a very young age. I have recently taught myself to cook. I got to paint walls for the very first time in my life. I learnt to fill holes and sand walls. I got to buy furniture and crockery, without the embarrassment of everything being second hand and mismatch. I taught myself to use a jigsaw-saw. I put up my own furniture. Apart from the one thing I can never have, I have done everything that I could ever want/need to do.

As I have accomplished everything else on my list, by the one thing that is impossible, and the autism overwhelm/burnout is never going to improve, I wonder if Switzerland is my only option. I don’t mean this in a feeling sorry for myself way. I mean this in a very logical way, as in there is no other logical option. I cannot improve the autism overwhelm/burnout. I cannot cope with feeling this drained, lightheaded and faint forever. It is getting to breaking point. There is nothing medically that can be done. There is no medical treatment for the sensory autism that I have. The doctors say that I do not need anti-depressants, as that won’t help me. I just need a safe, calm environment to de-stress, where I am told that it would help if there were someone in my life to help lighten the load, even if it is to make me a cup of tea, when I get home and ask about my day. Wow doctor, if only things were that easy and simple.

I have done everything that I need to accomplish. There isn’t anything else that I want to do. I can’t cope living like I currently am forever. I don’t have a person to grow old with, who it would break my heart to not spend every day with them. I have never experienced that, and more than half of my life is over. I cannot physically meet anyone, because the autism overwhelm/burnout is so bad, but according to HR, I do not have a valid reason to take time off to help it go away.

I am stuck in a loop.

I have done everything that I have wanted to do in life, apart from what I can’t have. Everything else, I have done it all on my own. For the people who say I am not independent, I have never had a real relationship, so no, I am not dependent on anyone and no, I am not unhealthily expecting someone to save me. I just want the autism overwhelm/burnout to go away, but there isn’t anything that I can do.

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I have only had it this bad back in 2020, and then 2021, when I was being overworked at an old job. I know I had it briefly in 2015 and 2016, in horrible jobs that I had back then too. If I cannot do the only thing to treat it, and I have nothing in life to ever look forward to, I have done everything that I need to in life.

Maybe tomorrow, during lunch, I will actually take the first step to looking into saying goodbye in Switzerland. I don’t want to do this, but I can’t exist like this forever, with no way for it to go away. It will probably kill me before I get anywhere near close to looking into it.

The Autism Overwhelm/Burnout Won't Ease & Will I be Alone Forever?

Today go too much and I did a terrible thing and I hid in the toilet for two minutes, just to get away from everyone, to try to calm down. I sat on the toilet lid, I took my glasses off and pressed the balls of my palms into my eyes. As I sat there for about a minute, my mind somehow thought, for a split second, that you were hugging me. I instantly burst into tears. I wanted that to be real so much. I miss your hugs. I miss feeling loved and safe in your arms. I wish that I knew my last hug from you was my last hug, because I would have held on even longer and squeezed you even tighter. It would never have fixed things. It would never have made you communicate with me like I’m your partner. It never would have made the anxiety inducing silence punishments any easier. It never would have made being pushed lower and lower on your priority list feel any less lonely. Maybe it would have helped me to endure the pain and emotional suffering even longer. Maybe it would have helped me to shrink myself even more. Maybe it would have helped me to get used to expecting and accepting less and less, and getting used to being a lower and lower down priority. I should have tried harder to cope with feeling that low. I shouldn’t have wanted to be treated like your partner. I should have accepted the breadcrumbs, the anxiety and the heartache of meaning less than everyone else. I should never have thought that I deserved to be someone’s partner. I should know that everyone else in the world comes before me. I’m sorry for wanting more. I’m so sorry. If I was better at feeling so low, and if I never had scary thoughts when people made me feel this low, then maybe I could have still been with you. I never care what everyone else thinks, but when you dismiss my feelings and say that they are wrong and I shouldn’t want what everyone else thinks, but it’s what I want from a relationship, it hurts too much. Why is wrong for me to want to be a priority in my partner’s life? Why is it wrong for me to want to become closer and closer with my partner, not further and further away? Why is it wrong for me to live with my partner, but it is okay for everyone else to? Why is it wrong for me to need someone to help me to do the things that I don’t like and/or hate, but for everyone else in my situation, it’s just what a good friend or a loving partner does? Why is it wrong for me to want to get married, but it is okay for everyone else? Why is it wrong for me to want to be treated like a partner, and not like a situationship by every person, man or woman, that I date? Why are other people allowed to be in committed relationships, but I am told that is being crazy, needing to seek help or that I am living in a fairytale? I just want someone to explain to me what I am doing wrong, because I have been making the same mistake over and over for eleven years. Why is there one rule of Josette and one rule for everyone else? I just want to know what I am doing wrong. Why does everyone I date say that relationship things are wrong, but they can do them all three weeks later with someone else? It must be something I am doing. I need to understand what it is. I just want the basic, everyday things in a small, healthy relationship. I’m not asking for constant attention or gifts or to have money spent on me or to go places or to do things. I just want to be treated maturely, with respect, to have my feelings thought about, to be included in life changing decisions that will affect me just as much as them. I just want to be treated fairly and to matter to someone. Over the weekend, I watched a video from an artist that I have followed for over ten years. He spoke about his wife’s cancer diagnosis, and how he wanted to attend every appointment with her, because she is his wife, and he loves her and cares about her. There is no leaving her to attend an appointment alone. They are two independent people, but that doesn’t mean that he makes her fend for herself. The way that he spoke about how much she means to him really made me feel like I will be alone forever. Everyone who is genuine has to already be married. I must be the one who is always doing something wrong. When I was 17 years old, a girl in my English class said to me, “What is wrong with you, then?” when I told her that I didn’t have a boyfriend. That has always stuck with me and she was right. I don’t know what it is that is wrong with me, but it must be something, for everyone I date to pull away around the six month marker, to become more distant, instead of closer, to want to see me less, or change jobs to one that means they only ever want to see their friends and never their partner, to change jobs and tell me that they don’t want to date anyone only for me to see them with someone else a few weeks later, to have them be able to discuss their day with everyone else in the world, including strangers online, but not me, for them to not care that they asked how my day was and never heard the answer and it never occurred to them to check in, to have them not even realise that they have not connected with me, let me know if they are okay and find out if I am okay. Why am I so worthless to everyone I date? What am I doing wrong every single time? Why is it wrong to want a basic, mature, adult, emotional, communicative relationship? I just want my favourite person to be the person that they portrayed themselves to be at the beginning and to turn up just to cuddle me and I will hold onto them very tightly and cry and cry and cry.

I figured it out. Deep down, I always knew. I am the person that people date when they are still changing their minds on what they want in life. I am the person that you date while you are still looking for the one, but don’t want to be alone. I am the person people date and figure out what not to do, and realise what they should have done differently, then they move on instantly and do all of those things with the new person that they meet three weeks later. I am the person that you learn from, so that you can live happily ever after with the person you are supposed to be with.

My last partner was my last chance. I can’t do that again. Relationships, no, situationships are too mentally abusive for me to cope with. Someone with a different type of autism to me once said that they didn’t think ti was possible for someone like them to be in a relationship. I think they were right. I want one, I really, really, really want to be with someone to be loved and feel safe and know that they are never going to change after a few months and want something different or treat me differently. I don’t think I can be with anyone, because I must have a personality type that people are only interested in having a situationship with… I don’t think I can blame the autism for this one, but I’m not loveable. I’m not someone that anyone wants to treat like their lifelong partner. I’m not someone that anyone wants to love, to care about, to marry, to grow old with. They want that the second they see someone else. It just isn’t me.