I have been loving having ai edited mine and my partner’s photos into a Disney-esque image. I think I want to end 2025 with our first photo and the most recent photo of us together, edited in the Disney style.
These pictures make me so happy.
Never mind, I can’t help it. I want to add all of them!
- Josie -
(Josie Sayz: There is a difference between connection, consistency, and emotional presence, not constant attention. I’m not after attention. Sometimes I don't understand why people are in relationships, because they make you feel more lonely than being alone. Is there such thing as a relationship where one doesn’t feel more lonely than being alone?)
You ask how my day went,
I’ll reply straight away,
But I know you won’t read it,
Until the end of the day.
You won’t reply
To anything I say.
You’ll just say, “Goodnight,”
Won’t even meet me halfway.
When I respond to your question,
I’ve learnt not to expect a reply,
Or for you to read my response.
I have no idea why
You message at all.
If to hear from me is a chore.
To be ghosted or left on read
I don’t know which one hurts more?
The double standards you write,
Causes me so much pain.
You expect a response in three minutes,
That you won’t read for hours; that’s okay.
You were warm and inviting.
Six months have flown by.
How long can I hurt for,
Bottle it up and then lie?
I’m not being controlling,
Asking for a, “Good morning,” text.
When you can’t manage that,
It makes me miss my ex.
I just need routine,
And a connection that’s stable.
I’m not dictating your life,
Nor without you am I unable.
I hate feeling punished,
If I’m a few minutes too late.
You withdraw your affection
And leave me in wait.
It's like a test,
And if I am good.
You’ll say, “I love you.”
Although you already should.
It's gaslighting by omission,
To put me in my place.
It makes me feel anxious,
And a complete disgrace.
Though I’ll never confess,
I’ll hide it inside.
You won’t see that you hurt me,
Or the times that I cried.
It's not just by text,
Or our phone calls too,
It hurts when I’m midsentence,
You blurt out, “I love you.”
Maybe you’re done listening,
Our you just zoned out.
It's little things, like this,
That leave me with doubts.
I love you so much.
I wish we could be together forever,
But can I withhold my feelings,
On our lifelong endeavour?
I’m not being controlling or I needy,
I wish you could see.
I’ve adjusted so much for you.
Could you try for me?
- Josie -
(Josie Sayz: I didn’t want my 300th
post to be of raw pain and heartache. I wanted to celebrate and it be something
happy, but I discovered a secret that I was never supposed to know, and now I
can’t unsee it.)
Discovering a secret
You know you oughtn’t know,
Is filling up my heart, with such sorrow.
What began as something innocent,
A curiosity.
It has now, possibly, become the death of me.
Who’s that girl? What’s that scene?
Is feels like something from a movie screen.
Cocktails, jazz and dancing,
With her is so risqué.
How could I be so stupid?
You never look at me that way.
I have replayed the scene
In my head a million times.
Makes me feel like these past six months have been nothing but lies.
I don’t know the truth,
I did not have a clue.
The partying, nightclubs and dancing, they don’t feel like you.
Who’s that girl? What’s that scene?
Is feels like something from a movie screen.
Cocktails, jazz and dancing,
With her is so risqué.
How could I be so stupid?
I know I’ve overdue my stay.
I care about you so much,
This message comes from the heart.
This isn’t jealousy,
Or a cry of insecurity.
I do not want to be an obstacle
For who you truly want to be.
Who’s that girl? What’s that scene?
Is feels like something from a movie screen.
Cocktails, jazz and dancing,
With her is so risqué.
How could I be so stupid?
I think it’s time I go away.
- Josie -
This year has been a rollercoaster of emotions. There have been lots of good times and bad times, but I think I have finally got to a place, where I am ready to leave 2025 behind and start 2026.
Right, let’s see, the beginning
of 2025 was a little frustrating. I should have received the keys, to my
maisonette, back in October 2024, then just in time for Christmas, but it got
delayed again, until I finally got the keys on 31st January. Despite
my solicitor saying that I had to inspect the property before completion, as it
was a repossession and I had to make sure that the previous owner had removed
all of her belongings and left the maisonette in a good state, the estate agents
refused to let me have a second look around. The only time that I was allowed
to view it was before I put the offer in.
Receiving the keys
should have bene a good thing, but things just kept getting worse. To start
with, there was a hole in the front door. Then, the previous owner had left a
smashed up washing machine, a fridge that had been turned off since the
previous May, with gone off food and alcohol in it (the alcohol appeared to
have exploded and there was sticky sap everywhere). She had covered the kitchen
in beer and oil, so it was unusable (I was told if I used the oven that it
might go bang, and it would be impossible to clean all of the oil off
everything). There was no access to gas or electricity. On my first walk around
the maisonette, now that I owned it, the neighbours, who live opposite, called
the police on me. Two community officers arrived at the property, watched me
from outside, then I had to show them that I had the keys and explain to them
that I owed the property. I was scared that I was going to be arrested for
owning my own home.
The issues with the gas
and electricity were ongoing, throughout the year. As the winter was cold, and
with no means to heat the maisonette, I ended up with two burst water pipes in
the loft, which I had to pay a lot to get repaired. Even if I had access to gas
and electricity, the boiler was illegally fitted, which I only found out after
getting the keys, because the estate agent refused to let me get the gas and
electricity tested.
I spent most of my weekends
doing little bits and pieces on my maisonette, to try and make it liveable. My
mum wouldn’t let me spend long there, so the first solid amount of time that I
spent on it was the Easter bank holiday weekend. That was when it first dawned
on me that it was mine. I had a lot of holes and cracks to caulk, sand and
prime. Then there was the horrific diarrhoea-coloured carpet, in the bedroom,
which had never been vacuumed. It was full of hair, smashed up pills, contact
lenses, the transparent, plastic tags from clothing. No matter what I tried to
do, I just couldn’t get it clean, so I ripped it up. My mum paid for me to have
grey laminate flooring fitted, as my new home and birthday present, combined.
This really helped make the maisonette feel more like mine.
I was very excited to
decorate. I have painted the walls in every room. Prior to purchasing my
maisonette, I have always lived in rented accommodation, so I have never been
able to paint walls or decorate anywhere, to make it feel like me. This has
been a year-long process, but I am finally getting there. I still need someone
to wallpaper the feature wall, in the living room, but for now, I have painted
the wall the colour that the wallpaper is, so that it feels more like my home.
The gas and electricity
didn’t get sorted until part way through September, which made doing certain
renovations works impossible before this date. The number of times I had to
book a day off work, for British Gas to come out to the property, and then the
engineer just shrugged, said that he couldn’t do anything and then left hit
double figures. Where I work, we only get 13 days holiday (we get 28 days, but
then you take off the eight Bank Holidays/Public Holidays and the week we are
closed over Christmas and I am left with 13 days holiday to last me the entire
year) and ten of those days were used for British Gas appointments. All of
which made me cry. September was, also, when I moved into my maisonette. I had
to live for a few days without electricity or gas, and a few more weeks before
I could get Wi-Fi, but I did it.
I had my kitchen fitted
at the beginning of December. It made me so incredibly happy. Again, getting
the kitchen fitted has been a disaster. I struggled to get anyone to fit my
kitchen (it is only a flat-pack Wickes kitchen, it is nothing fancy). My
kitchen is very small, and many kitchen fitters said that it wasn’t worth their
time. The one guy that I did manage to get to fit it was a liar and, it turns
out, doesn’t actually know what he is doing. He said that he was at my
maisonette from 8am until 7pm on seven occasions. Bear in mind, I had been told
that the entire kitchen could be fitted in two days, by multiple people,
including him. Over six weeks, this guy had barely done any work, and he ran
off with my keys, to Wales. It took forever to get them back. The HR lady,
where I work, was incredibly kind, and asked her husband and brother-in-law to
fit my kitchen. They aren’t kitchen fitters, by trade, they just do it as a
hobby, but they did an absolutely wonderful job. They had to fix a lot of mess
that the previous guy did wrong, but I am so incredibly grateful to them. I
actually have a kitchen, and it was in time for Christmas. This was the last
piece to make my maisonette feel like home. I will do a, slightly, more in
depth post about my maisonette, with some before and after pictures (where
possible) at some point. So now, I can finally start 2026 with living in a new
home, and not living out of one room, being too scared to leave the bedroom,
once it got dark.
Work has been both good
and bad, at times, too. The office manager left in July, to the relief of all
of us. He was a narcissist and just a very difficult person to get along with
or even have a simple conversation with. I have started to learn a lot more at
my role and can now do the production manager’s job… well, most of it. I
haven’t done any of the audits yet, but I can do the production planning for
the factory for the month. I have done this twice now and everything went
smoothly. I have convinced HR to let me do ergonomic assessments on the shop
floor staff, which uses some of my previous training/skills, and I am working
with the engineering team, to try to help find ways to make some of the
repetitive tasks less painful for those who suffer from arthritis and
repetitive strain injuries. I have been in my role for just over a year now.
Work has become my safe place. It is my routine, where I know (more or less)
what to expect. There are some people that I get along with really well. I call
my manager and the goods-in manager my Work Dads. I do hope that this is the
job that I am able to stay at for a long time.
This year was, also, the
magical year that I met my forever person. He is the most patient,
understanding and kind-hearted person that I have ever known. And when I
struggle, he doesn’t get angry with me or shout at me or say, “Suit yourself.”
He makes me happy when we are together, and apart. He makes me giggle. He makes
me feel safe. I can trust him and talk to him in a way that I never could with
anyone else. I don’t have to try to hide my autistic struggles and anxieties. I
can discuss, with him, things that are hard for me, and we create ways to work
around them, or overcome them. He says that I am not, “too much,” unlike other
relationships. He understands that things are hard for me, mostly because I
have never done them before, or no one ever had the patience to let me try
before. I can be myself around him, which makes me feel very happy and
comfortable. This year, we have been on so many dates, we have been on a
weekend away, taken a day trip and I have met his parents and his sister and
her partner. I was even able to walk three miles, to get a train to, by myself,
then walk one mile after getting the train, just to see him – and none of that
I had even done with him, but I was able to figure it out because of him. These
are all really big things for me, but they weren’t scary. Yes, I did find
things hard, at times, but I was still able to get through them, with his
support, and now I know that some of those things, I can do independently,
which I wasn’t able to before.
We have created so many
wonderful memories in the six months that we have known each other. And to
accompany the memories are so many photographs of our adventures, whether it
has been a cute, little date at our favourite café, a day trip filled with new
experiences or just a fun pizza date at mine, we have captured all of our fun
moments and we have been creating a scrapbook along the way. This has been so
much fun!
It has been so uplifting
and amazing to have a partner who is loving, supportive, who wants his friends
and family to know that I exist, even with my struggles. He is proud of me and
helps me to see the positive and good in things… and when I can’t, he helps me
to find ways around it, so that I can still enjoy the day. I have experienced
so many new and wonderful things, with this incredible man. He doesn’t say that
I can’t do things, just because I struggle. He lets me try and I get to see
that the scary things aren’t always as scary. I got to visit several cafes,
stay over in a hotel, go to the theatre, eat out at a restaurant, go to the
cinema, meet his parents… these are all things that no one has had the time of
day to help me do before.
I am so grateful for
him. I appreciate every single moment that we are together. I am so very proud
of him and all of his achievements that we have celebrated together, with new
work contracts and promotions. He works incredibly hard and is very ambitious. Having
struggled for many years in retail, deciding to better himself, take on a few
office jobs, to taking a huge risk in taking a small apprentice role, and this
year passing the apprenticeship and being promoted twice… this man is so hard
working. I am so incredibly proud of him. I cannot wait to see what life has in
store for him, as I know he will handle it well, as he has a great supportive
system in his family and friends, and I will always be there for him, offering
support in any way that I can.
He has, also, reignited
my love for musical theatre. I have discovered so many musicals, with my
biggest obsession being the Beetlejuice musical and Something Rotten. I have
played the ‘Something Rotten’ soundtrack so many times that I think I know most
of the songs off by heart – especially William Shakespeare’s parts. How
comforting it is to have a partner who is comfortable knowing that if I
transitioned to a male, I would want to be a camp William Shakespeare, and he
is completely fine with that!
Oh, and how can I
forget, we spent Christmas together! No one has ever wanted to spend time with
me over Christmas before. I once had a partner say to me that they were glad
they had turned their phone off on Christmas Day, because I had sent them a
text message asking them how their day was going, and I gave them an update
about my day. We opened presents together, watched Christmas films, while
cuddled up on my settee, and we had Christmas dinner together, which I made for
us. There was no hosting for people or visiting people. It was just the two of
us. We have a very special ornament for our Christmas tree too:
Oh, and he bought me Christmas presents that are me! He, and his family, all bought me things that I like. Not generic gifts, from the Christmas gift section, in a supermarket. He and his sister were even in competition, to see who could buy me the best Christmas present.
Living on my own has helped my mental health a lot. I no longer have the
torture of the teenager, living next door to me, who scratches her nails down
the walls, cackles like a witch, has her boyfriend over at the age of fourteen,
hasn’t had a bedtime since she was eleven years old, squeals down the phone at
all hours, places a device against the joining wall that vibrates every ten
seconds throughout the night. Most of the time, I have silence. This is why I
really wanted to keep hold of this maisonette, despite all of the bad things
happening. My only worry is when the new neighbours move in, across the
hallway, as that entire property needs completely gutting (I know, because I
looked at that one first, before my one went up for sale). At least their walls
are not connected to mine, but the echo in the hallway is super loud. The dog barking,
in the house behind often sounds like it is coming from inside the maisonette
block, but I know that it isn’t. My double glazing is fairly good and the
schizophrenic guy, who lives downstairs, is mostly quiet, apart from Sunday
nights where he slams his hands on a keyboard, at full volume, like he is a
two-year-old wanting to play the piano. Wearing noise cancelling earphones and
then noise cancelling headphones over the top of that, while listening to a
sleep meditation does help most of the time.
I have also been experimenting
with makeup this year! This is a big thing for me, because I hate being able to
feel things touching my face. I found an autistic mother’s YouTube channel,
where she shared some of the products that she can tolerate and how to apply
them. I have been feeling a little more confident, in myself, and less like an
old lady – not that my partner thinks that, but sometimes it is nice to feel
nice.
I already have so many things
to look forward to in 2026. For a start, at the end of January, my partner and
I are going to Stratford-upon-Avon again. Last time we went, he bought some
books from the Shakespeare bookshop, but this time, I already know that there
are a couple of plays that I haven’t read that I am really looking forward to.
Then, in April, we are looking to go to Paris, which I am super excited about.
I have always wanted to go to Paris. He knows how important it is, for me, to always
have something to look forward to, even if it is just something simple, like a
hot chocolate date at a café or a cereal date at mine. We do love our cereal
dates. We even bought each other a cereal bowl for our special cereal dates,
and we both picked something super special that we know means something to us. He
really is perfect, and I cannot wait to see what magical adventures we share in
2026.
I wanted to end this with a photo from a sweet, little hot chocolate date, from the other day.
- Josie -