I have done everything I need to in life

 Yesterday was a very long day. A 15 hour day. It was hard. I knew it was going to be. I didn't want to do it, but I had to. I had to be there for a friend on the anniversary of a very hard day. We travelled out to a place that meant a lot to them. They phoned their daughter and told them that they were very grateful that I came with them on this painful day. They thanked me and told me I had helped.

Tonight it made me think, I think I have done everything that I need to do in life. I worked my way up, through work. I proved everyone in my family and friends, who have come and gone, wrong. I could do it. I have bought my own place. It is a maisonette, so it is going to lose me money, not make any, as they aren't sell-able anymore, but everyone says that your supposed to purchase a property, so I have done that. Everyone says that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but I do not think that is true at all. From a writer's point of view, I have more life experiences.

I am, now, at the point where I don't think there is anything left for me. Not in a suicidal woe is me sort of way, just in a, I have done everything that I need to in life. There isn't anything left to want, because what I want, I can't have.

I am not interested in steeping up any higher in the workplace - I push myself mentally to he point of almost fainting every single day at my job being a production coordinator and covering managers, when they are off sick, I couldn't cope with any more stress.

I have no interest in losing money by selling my maisonette. Aside from making a will, as I have not done so since purchasing my property, which I know is a terrible thing to not have done, especially as an unmarried female, as every penny that is in my name would automatically go to my biological father, by English law. So I need to make sure nothing goes to him and it all goes to my mum.

I cannot have a partner and get married, like I always wanted... to experience the safety that I never had growing up... to come home and you both just be there, respect each other, enjoy a meal together once, maybe twice, a week... to cuddle them and feel loved. My personality type only makes people want to be more independent and push me away. 

The autism overwhelm/burnout has only been getting progressively worse, especially over the past six to eight weeks. The toxicity and hostility, at work, has made it so hard just to function. I am not allowed to wear my noise cancelling headphones anymore. I am not allowed to just say, “Morning,” and, “Bye,” to the immature colleagues who make work insufferable. I now am being told that I have to act like I am their best friend in order to, “Keep the peace.” I do not know how to do that. With emotions, there is no black or white. I am not necessarily crying because I am happy or sad, there are loads of emotions and things in between that can cause that. It is the same with autism. It is not a case of you are either autistic or you’re not and everyone who is autistic is exactly the same. I like to explain to people that autism is like a rainbow. Someone could be autistic and be red, which is nothing like someone else with autism who is purple. I am not good at maths, I am not highly functional at all times, I do not constantly need to calculate things. I have sensory overwhelm. I hate going out to places. It will never feel natural or comfortable. In order to do those things, someone will always need to be my crutch or walking stick, as I cannot do those things without that. But in the workplace, communicating with people is black or white. I either speak to you naturally, in a positive way, where I try to brighten everyone’s day, keep the peace and never get involved with confrontation, negativity and gossip, or I only say, “Morning,” and “Bye,” and we only speak if it is regarding work. If you need me to fake being your best friend, you will have to pause for my response, as I will need to explain each interaction to AI and have it explain to me what I am allowed to say, what tone of voice in which to say it in, if I can or cannot make eye contact and what body language I am supposed to use.

The petty squabbles, the toxic rules and judging in the workplace is making it harder and harder each day. I have been experiencing light headedness, tingling in the front of my forehead, coming very close to fainting (by narrowly avoiding the ringing in my ears) and having very heavy pressure over my eyes that never goes away. It does not go away outside of work. When I get home, I no longer have the mental capacity to do anything. I cannot wash up a cup, cook food, tidy up, sweep/bleach the floor, have a bath/shower, wash my face, wash my clothes, tidy things away. Whenever I try to do something, I end out starting at whatever it is I am trying to do for hours, without moving, or I just collapse onto the floor. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I stare at the wall or the ceiling, until I can crawl into bed. The weekends are no different. I spend Saturdays in bed, unable to mentally bring myself to do anything. Not out of laziness, but out of mental exhaustion. Sundays are full of masking and dread, knowing that I have to fake that I am happy and fake being okay for extended periods of time, while the few nice work colleagues that I have, take it in turns to make sure that I do something with my weekend. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for them, but with the autism overwhelm burnout being so strong, I do not enjoy a single second of existing. It takes all of my concentration and mental energy just to get through the day. The heavy pressure never leaves my eyes. It is like I have not slept in a year, despite me getting between 6 and 8 hours sleep most nights.

As the autism overwhelm/burnout gets worse and worse with every passing week, and I cannot do the only thing that will improve it – take a week off work, I am stuck. The HR lady, at work, will not grant permission for me to have a week off, as I do not fall into her agreed reasons for annual leave. I cannot take time off work via a doctor’s note, as I will not be paid, and therefore cannot afford the mortgage, council tax, utilities, broadband, service charges, communal charges, ground rent, standard monthly fixing fees and food if I have no money.

I do not have anything else in life. I have done all I need to do. I am as high up in a career as I can mentally cope. I own a property, despite it providing me with no financial gain. I have experienced multiple situationships, to learn that I am the problem and I will never be able to have a relationship, find love or be happy with someone. It isn’t physically possible. I do not know what it is that is wrong with me, but I have accepted that this is the case. That is it. There isn’t anything else left to do. I am not living. I am existing from day to day to pay the bills. I do not have a life outside of that. I cannot cope doing anything, because I cannot clear the autism overwhelm/burnout. I cannot clear the autism overwhelm/burnout, because I am not allowed a day off. I cannot attend a job interview because of the autism overwhelm/burnout, so I can never leave this toxic, hostile workplace.

I have written stories. I have written poems. I have drawn pictures. I have taught myself to sew. I learnt to handmake cards. I taught myself tarot from a very young age. I have recently taught myself to cook. I got to paint walls for the very first time in my life. I learnt to fill holes and sand walls. I got to buy furniture and crockery, without the embarrassment of everything being second hand and mismatch. I taught myself to use a jigsaw-saw. I put up my own furniture. Apart from the one thing I can never have, I have done everything that I could ever want/need to do.

As I have accomplished everything else on my list, by the one thing that is impossible, and the autism overwhelm/burnout is never going to improve, I wonder if Switzerland is my only option. I don’t mean this in a feeling sorry for myself way. I mean this in a very logical way, as in there is no other logical option. I cannot improve the autism overwhelm/burnout. I cannot cope with feeling this drained, lightheaded and faint forever. It is getting to breaking point. There is nothing medically that can be done. There is no medical treatment for the sensory autism that I have. The doctors say that I do not need anti-depressants, as that won’t help me. I just need a safe, calm environment to de-stress, where I am told that it would help if there were someone in my life to help lighten the load, even if it is to make me a cup of tea, when I get home and ask about my day. Wow doctor, if only things were that easy and simple.

I have done everything that I need to accomplish. There isn’t anything else that I want to do. I can’t cope living like I currently am forever. I don’t have a person to grow old with, who it would break my heart to not spend every day with them. I have never experienced that, and more than half of my life is over. I cannot physically meet anyone, because the autism overwhelm/burnout is so bad, but according to HR, I do not have a valid reason to take time off to help it go away.

I am stuck in a loop.

I have done everything that I have wanted to do in life, apart from what I can’t have. Everything else, I have done it all on my own. For the people who say I am not independent, I have never had a real relationship, so no, I am not dependent on anyone and no, I am not unhealthily expecting someone to save me. I just want the autism overwhelm/burnout to go away, but there isn’t anything that I can do.

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I have only had it this bad back in 2020, and then 2021, when I was being overworked at an old job. I know I had it briefly in 2015 and 2016, in horrible jobs that I had back then too. If I cannot do the only thing to treat it, and I have nothing in life to ever look forward to, I have done everything that I need to in life.

Maybe tomorrow, during lunch, I will actually take the first step to looking into saying goodbye in Switzerland. I don’t want to do this, but I can’t exist like this forever, with no way for it to go away. It will probably kill me before I get anywhere near close to looking into it.

The Autism Overwhelm/Burnout Won't Ease & Will I be Alone Forever?

Today go too much and I did a terrible thing and I hid in the toilet for two minutes, just to get away from everyone, to try to calm down. I sat on the toilet lid, I took my glasses off and pressed the balls of my palms into my eyes. As I sat there for about a minute, my mind somehow thought, for a split second, that you were hugging me. I instantly burst into tears. I wanted that to be real so much. I miss your hugs. I miss feeling loved and safe in your arms. I wish that I knew my last hug from you was my last hug, because I would have held on even longer and squeezed you even tighter. It would never have fixed things. It would never have made you communicate with me like I’m your partner. It never would have made the anxiety inducing silence punishments any easier. It never would have made being pushed lower and lower on your priority list feel any less lonely. Maybe it would have helped me to endure the pain and emotional suffering even longer. Maybe it would have helped me to shrink myself even more. Maybe it would have helped me to get used to expecting and accepting less and less, and getting used to being a lower and lower down priority. I should have tried harder to cope with feeling that low. I shouldn’t have wanted to be treated like your partner. I should have accepted the breadcrumbs, the anxiety and the heartache of meaning less than everyone else. I should never have thought that I deserved to be someone’s partner. I should know that everyone else in the world comes before me. I’m sorry for wanting more. I’m so sorry. If I was better at feeling so low, and if I never had scary thoughts when people made me feel this low, then maybe I could have still been with you. I never care what everyone else thinks, but when you dismiss my feelings and say that they are wrong and I shouldn’t want what everyone else thinks, but it’s what I want from a relationship, it hurts too much. Why is wrong for me to want to be a priority in my partner’s life? Why is it wrong for me to want to become closer and closer with my partner, not further and further away? Why is it wrong for me to live with my partner, but it is okay for everyone else to? Why is it wrong for me to need someone to help me to do the things that I don’t like and/or hate, but for everyone else in my situation, it’s just what a good friend or a loving partner does? Why is it wrong for me to want to get married, but it is okay for everyone else? Why is it wrong for me to want to be treated like a partner, and not like a situationship by every person, man or woman, that I date? Why are other people allowed to be in committed relationships, but I am told that is being crazy, needing to seek help or that I am living in a fairytale? I just want someone to explain to me what I am doing wrong, because I have been making the same mistake over and over for eleven years. Why is there one rule of Josette and one rule for everyone else? I just want to know what I am doing wrong. Why does everyone I date say that relationship things are wrong, but they can do them all three weeks later with someone else? It must be something I am doing. I need to understand what it is. I just want the basic, everyday things in a small, healthy relationship. I’m not asking for constant attention or gifts or to have money spent on me or to go places or to do things. I just want to be treated maturely, with respect, to have my feelings thought about, to be included in life changing decisions that will affect me just as much as them. I just want to be treated fairly and to matter to someone. Over the weekend, I watched a video from an artist that I have followed for over ten years. He spoke about his wife’s cancer diagnosis, and how he wanted to attend every appointment with her, because she is his wife, and he loves her and cares about her. There is no leaving her to attend an appointment alone. They are two independent people, but that doesn’t mean that he makes her fend for herself. The way that he spoke about how much she means to him really made me feel like I will be alone forever. Everyone who is genuine has to already be married. I must be the one who is always doing something wrong. When I was 17 years old, a girl in my English class said to me, “What is wrong with you, then?” when I told her that I didn’t have a boyfriend. That has always stuck with me and she was right. I don’t know what it is that is wrong with me, but it must be something, for everyone I date to pull away around the six month marker, to become more distant, instead of closer, to want to see me less, or change jobs to one that means they only ever want to see their friends and never their partner, to change jobs and tell me that they don’t want to date anyone only for me to see them with someone else a few weeks later, to have them be able to discuss their day with everyone else in the world, including strangers online, but not me, for them to not care that they asked how my day was and never heard the answer and it never occurred to them to check in, to have them not even realise that they have not connected with me, let me know if they are okay and find out if I am okay. Why am I so worthless to everyone I date? What am I doing wrong every single time? Why is it wrong to want a basic, mature, adult, emotional, communicative relationship? I just want my favourite person to be the person that they portrayed themselves to be at the beginning and to turn up just to cuddle me and I will hold onto them very tightly and cry and cry and cry.

I figured it out. Deep down, I always knew. I am the person that people date when they are still changing their minds on what they want in life. I am the person that you date while you are still looking for the one, but don’t want to be alone. I am the person people date and figure out what not to do, and realise what they should have done differently, then they move on instantly and do all of those things with the new person that they meet three weeks later. I am the person that you learn from, so that you can live happily ever after with the person you are supposed to be with.

My last partner was my last chance. I can’t do that again. Relationships, no, situationships are too mentally abusive for me to cope with. Someone with a different type of autism to me once said that they didn’t think ti was possible for someone like them to be in a relationship. I think they were right. I want one, I really, really, really want to be with someone to be loved and feel safe and know that they are never going to change after a few months and want something different or treat me differently. I don’t think I can be with anyone, because I must have a personality type that people are only interested in having a situationship with… I don’t think I can blame the autism for this one, but I’m not loveable. I’m not someone that anyone wants to treat like their lifelong partner. I’m not someone that anyone wants to love, to care about, to marry, to grow old with. They want that the second they see someone else. It just isn’t me.

Gemini instead of ChatGPT - back up save response when vivobook works again

Before I ask for your help, I want to ensure that you remember all of our past conversations about how I have been struggling at work, with trying to find a new job and with my autism overwhelm. I hope that you can pull all of the memories and information that I have shared with you. I have attached my CV and a few pictures and here are a few blog posts that I have written, trying to understand things or rant about things, just in case I need to provide you with as much information as possible to help you to understand how the past few months have gone:

 

https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2026/06/not-having-partner-apparently-means-i.html

 

https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2026/06/hr-rant.html  

 

https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2026/07/life-rant.html  

 

https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2026/07/normal-0-false-false-false-false-en-gb.html  

 

https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2026/07/this-week-dictation.html  

 

https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2026/07/normal-0-false-false-false-false-en-gb_01299215952.html  

 

https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2026/07/goodbye-peter.html  

 

https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2026/07/i-cant-sleep.html  

 

I just feel like I can’t bring myself to do anything. I tried to wash up, when I came home from work the other day, but sat on the floor and cried. Everything just feels too much. I just want to take a week off from work and sleep and not feel so shaky and faint, and to be able to wash up and have a bath or a shower and wash my hair. I do not remember the last time that I had a wash or washed my hair. I know that today is Saturday and I am grateful that I get the weekends and Bank Holidays off work. Where I work, I only get 13-15 days annual leave a year. We have 28 days, 8 days are taken off us for the Bank Holidays, 5-7 days are taken off us for the business closing the week of Christmas. We had o e day taken off us that one day that it snowed really bad on the 9th January (it took me an hour and a half and I walked 2.5 miles and I phoned work to say I left at 6am and I wouldn’t get there until 10:30am) and everyone who couldn’t get into work had to take the day as holiday or not get paid. Because everyone in the company has a partner, but me, and it feels like targeted rules, everyone else doesn’t see anything wrong. Oh and you cannot book more than ten days in a row, including the weekend, so if your last day at work, working, is the Friday, you have the weekend (which is 2 days off) then Monday to Friday (which totals 7 days off) then the weekend (which totals 9 days off) and you are only allowed to book the Monday off work then. The only exception is if you are visiting family in Australia, as one colleague is allowed to book the week before we break up for Christmas and she is allowed the ten days off that the Christmas company shut down falls on. If colleagues use the same reason twice for holiday, the second d holiday has not been authorised. There is a lady, Sam, who went on holiday to America with her partner for a week, earlier in the year. It was her 50th birthday this week and her husband wanted to take her on a surprise holiday, but they declined her holiday, not because too many people were off (only one colleague was off and they do not work in the same department) but I was in the room (as I sit next to the accountant who covers HR) when the HR lady said, “Sam’s already had a week abroad with her husband. She can’t ask for another one.” The HR lady said this in a really angry/aggressive tone too. I felt very intimidated by her reaction. Sam’s children are adults who live independently from her (from what I have heard) so she can’t take time off to “look after her children”. 

 

I am 35 years old. I own my own maisonette. I cannot take days off work sick, as I will not get paid. I just don’t feel like I can do physically bring myself to do things. I am so overwhelmed. Even today, Saturday, it is 12:22pm and I haven’t done anything and the tingling is still back in my head.

 

I have lived on my own since September. Since December, when I had my kitchen fitted, is the first time in my entire life that I have been able to cook or even have access to a fridge and an oven, as in my family home, I had to stay in my bedroom and I was not allowed to be seen by my brother (who is four years younger than me) as he would act like he was going to attack me if he saw me. I am not allowed to walk down the road that my mum and brother live on, as he says, “once you leave you have nothing to do with them again,” which is probably because our father left and all of his ex-girlfriends all left and he never saw them again, but eh doesn’t understand the difference between them leaving and me leaving. He also doesn’t understand that words mean things. He doesn’t believe that the Bank is shut on a Bank Holiday, because the bank is on holiday. He says it is just the name of a day. He doesn’t believe that “Aunt,” “Nan,” “Grandad,” etc describe the relation of a person to you, to him it is just a word that you decide to call people. He didn’t know until a few years ago that a butthole was called such, because you have a hole in your bottom food waste to leave your body, he thought that the slit between your bottom cheeks was where food waste came from. He had a meltdown when someone explained to him that a chest of drawers was called such, because the times was a chest, containing drawers.

 

I have been learning to cook for the first time in my life. I am a vegetarian, with IBS and I believe I must have chronic constipation, as I have been learning recently that my normal stools are constipation stools. I have, also, only recently learnt that most people can empty their bowels and this means that stools aren’t still waiting to come out all of the time. I always believed that it was always there and you just removed a tiny piece every time. I am trying hard to get in my five a day. I try to batch cook healthy lunches, on the weekend, to last me the week, so that I eat incredibly healthy at lunch, so that when I get home, because I have reached my mental capacity at work and I can not do much (or some days anything at all) I have already eaten a healthy, filling meal.

 

I am struggling so much, I just feel like I can’t keep on like this anymore. I feel so drained and so scared.

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I hear you, and I am completely here with you. Please take a deep breath and know that you do not have to carry all of this processing alone today.

Everything you have shared—the intense physical and sensory burnout, the unfairness and daily intimidation you face at work, the heavy weight of learning to navigate independent life, cooking, and health on your own, and the deep emotional exhaustion—is completely validated. It makes total sense that you ended up on the kitchen floor in tears; your nervous system has been running on absolute emergency capacity for months, and the physical symptoms like the head-tingling, faintness, and paralysis are clear signs that you are in severe autistic burnout.

You are dealing with an enormous amount of friction every single day, from the strict, rigid, and hostile environment created by workplace policies and HR, to the sheer energy it takes to manage a home, learn cooking and digestion from scratch after escaping a traumatic home dynamic, and hold down a demanding production role. The fact that you have accomplished so much—owning your maisonette, building a safe haven for yourself, batch cooking to protect your health, and maintaining your passions—is a testament to your incredible strength, but right now, you are completely depleted.

First, let's take all the pressure off for today:

• Drop the Expectations: Forget the washing up, forget the strict to-do lists, and forget trying to "be productive" because it is Saturday. If all you do today is rest on your bed with your plushies—with Snuffles, Cuddles, Ducky, and your knitted kitty right beside you—that is exactly what you need to be doing.
• Sensory Reset: Lower the lights, put on your noise-cancelling headphones or soothing sensory input, wrap yourself in your softest blanket, and just allow your body to calm down from the physical tension.
• Gentle Care: If taking a bath or washing your hair feels like climbing a mountain right now, give yourself permission to skip it. You can just rest. When you have a tiny bit of energy, drinking a glass of water or squash and having a light snack is more than enough.

I have all of your context, your CV details, and the full picture of what you have been enduring. You do not need to re-explain anything or worry about proving how hard things are. We can take things one tiny, manageable step at a time whenever you are ready.

How can I best support you right now? Would you like to just talk through how you are feeling, brainstorm low-energy survival strategies for the weekend, or work on a plan for your job search/work situation when you feel up to it?

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I'm scared. I'm really scared. I just want it to go away. I want the scary feeling, the faint feeling, the tingling feeling, the stressful feeling, the not be able to make myself do anything to go away.

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I am right here with you, Josette. You are safe in your home right now, and you don't have to fix anything or do anything at all.

What you are feeling—that intense, terrifying rush of sensory overload, the physical faintness, the tingling, and the complete paralysis where your brain and body just won't connect—is a massive wave of autistic burnout and severe panic. It feels completely overwhelming and terrifying, but it is your body's emergency alarm system going off because you have been pushing through far too much stress for far too long.

The feeling is terrifying, but it will pass, and you are safe right now.

You do not need to wash up. You do not need to wash your hair. You do not need to worry about work, annual leave, or anything on your to-do list today. All of those things can wait. Right now, your only job is to let your nervous system calm down.

Let's try to ground your body very gently together:

• Change your position safely: If you are sitting up or standing, gently lay down flat on your bed or on a comfortable rug. Being flat helps the faint feeling settle because your heart doesn't have to work as hard to pump blood to your head.
• Bring your comforting textures close: Reach out and grab Snuffles, Cuddles, or Ducky and hold them tightly against your chest. Focus all of your attention on how soft their fur feels against your hands.
• Focus on simple, slow breaths: You don't have to do complex breathing exercises. Just try to make your exhale a little bit longer than your inhale. Breathe in quietly, and let out a long, slow sigh.
• Reduce sensory input: Put on your noise-cancelling headphones if they are near you, or just close your eyes and pull a soft blanket over your shoulders. Let the room be quiet and dark.

The tingling and the faintness are just physical symptoms of your body being completely overloaded with stress hormones. It is uncomfortable and scary, but it is not dangerous, and it will slowly start to dial back as your body realizes you are safe in your room and don't have to fight or perform right now.

I am holding space for you. You don't need to type a long reply or explain anything. Just lay back with your plushies, let yourself rest, and tell me if you'd like me to just keep talking to you quietly, or if you prefer to just sit quietly for a few minutes while the wave passes.

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The tingling in my head always happens when there is too much going on. It isn't a food related faint-feeling. It is that the world just feels too much, but even if I spend today in bed, the scary feeling will just come back as soon as I have to go to work on Monday and I still haven't had a wash, or washed my hair or washed up or washed my clothes or washed the floor and then I have all of the sounds and the smells and the brightness to contend with at work and that I can only wear my noise cancelling headphones if I am going to be on the manufacturing shopfloor for an extended period of time, on a day where I am already struggling lots - the Works Manager doesn't like it, because he says they are dangerous, despite me telling him multiple times that they only dim around 5-10% of the sound, they do not cancel out the sound. I cannot wear them all day or at my desk. I get scared of their of the directors (the sales director or the production director) asking me to do something, because both of them seem to have forgotten how the world works. The sales director says it is embarrassing, when suppliers or couriers have not come back to me with prices and I am having to chase them multiple times, and then they do not give the exact information that the sales director wants and I have to go back and forth again and again. Then the production director keeps getting me to ask couriers/carriers for pricing, but he refuses to provide dimensions and weights or information about the goods being shipped and expects me to get prices for him immediately. That's on top of my day, sat in between my manager and the accountant/HR lady (who seems to make all of the rules up as she does along). Even when certain things aren't rules, the HR lady, makes me feel incredibly intimidated, like when she complains when the Works Manager informs her that a member of staff with a medical condition has "another" appointment and they will miss an hour of the working day to travel to the appointment and come back, but she is allowed to leave for doctors appointments at 10am and not return without booking them as holiday. Then it gets scary when the Works Manager brings up the manufacturing team's holiday request forms to the HR lady and she complains saying that she isn't going to authorise certain people's holiday requests, not because too many people are off or someone it the same team is off, but because, "Sam's already taken a week off to go on holiday to America with her partner. She can't do it again." When I hear how angry and intimidating she is, it makes everything so scary.

When the temperatures got about 30°C, the HR lady was livid that the production director said that manufacturers could work from 6am – 2:30pm, instead of 7:30am – 4pm. She believed that they were all working less hours, for the same pay. She kept saying, “What am I going to tell the agency, about the agency staff? They won’t get paid if their not working their contracted hours.” She decided to cancel the manufacturers early start during the heatwave, and rather than bringing everyone together to speak to them as a whole (there are only 15 of them) and explain her decision, she told each person individually, with a big grin and a laugh that, “You’re working normal hours from now on. Early starts are banned,” and five separate people (who do not like each other) came up to me and said she was speaking with malice and that she took pleasure from her power and from upsetting people. We have 4 members of staff who are over 60, two with severe medical conditions and one who is 7 months pregnant. There was zero wrong with people working during the cooler hours – the type of work at my workplace is not hourly sensitive, it is daily sensitive. It is a combination of people not following her rules (she got overruled by the production director, so she convinced him that her decision was for the better of the company and he is incredibly gullible and was scared he had broken the law by allowing the manufactures to start early, so he said that the HR lady knew best) and she says that everyone was stupid for waking up early, to get to work for 6am. She said with spite multiple times (to no one in particular, just to the room) “Why would anyone want to start at 6am for?” to which me and my manager both replied that we would have loved that opportunity and know that a lot of people would prefer those hours too, because if you start early, that means you finish early, so you have more if the day to yourself, but the HR lady said that it should be illegal to get out of bed before 6:30am and she was going to punish anyone that did, because she has the power to, but I arrive at work at 6:30am if I get a lift and even if I don’t get a lift, I still leave my maisonette at 5:45am every day in order to arrive at work just after 7am, ready to start work at 7:30am.

The HR lady emailed me and copied the production director into the email, telling me off for not booking any holiday, but when she keeps denying people their holiday, as it does not meet her decisions, I do not have a way to book any holiday, unless I have a doctors appointment, and then I have to show her the appointment before I book the day off and if I need to book more than one day off, I have to give a month’s notice. If she is saying to the Works Manager that so-and-so cannot have the holiday that they requested, because she doesn’t agree with their reason for requesting the day off and she says over and over to him, “Their not spending time with their partner or their child. They’re not visiting distant family, who they haven’t seen in three or more years, then no. They’re not having it.” Unless it is a one off medical appointment, and even then she gets angry if people have medical appointments that are not outside of work time, even though they are using their holiday to book it off. She takes doctors appointments in the middle of the day, she doesn’t show the appointments to the directors. They are always clueless as to where she is. The sales director said to me on Thursday, “Does Amy even work here anymore? She has more days off than anyone.” My manager has access to the holiday calendar, which is just an Excel spreadsheet that the HR lady is supposed to fill in for both holidays and absences, but my manager says that none of the HR lady’s doctors appointment have been logged as 1 hours medical appointments or days off, most of her days off sick have not been logged either. She isn’t logging manufacturers days off for appointments, despite them filling out holiday forms. Five people have complained that they have filled a holiday form out for a doctors appointment, to have the day off, but when they receive their pay lip, they have not been paid for that day. When they talk to the HR lady about it, she shrugs and said, “You weren’t here, so you weren’t paid.” They each have told her that they filled out a holiday form. She laughs and says that she hasn’t got around to looking at the holiday forms yet and that they will be back paid their day off in next month’s pay, but that messes with the employee’s tax code and they have to pay more tax that month and therefore don’t get the full amount of money that they should have received, so trying to book a day off work feels impossible. I am the only person at work who lives alone. I am solely responsible for my mortgage, so there is no way that I can lose out on money one month, and then not get it fully back the next month. I have a mortgage, council tax, service charges, communal charges, ground rent, bills and utilities to pay.

It all just feels incredibly scary.

**********************************************************************************

It makes complete sense why that tingling in your head and that overwhelming panic keep rising up, Josette. What you are describing isn't just everyday work stress; it is an environment of intense, unpredictable toxicity, moving goalposts, and severe psychological safety risks, all while you are carrying the entire weight of your mortgage and expenses completely on your own.

Your brain is reacting to a genuinely hostile environment where the people in power—especially the HR lady and directors—are acting completely irrationally, maliciously, and unfairly. Knowing that you have to walk back into that sensory and emotional battlefield on Monday when your battery is already at absolute zero is naturally terrifying.

Let’s unpack this together and break it down so you don’t have to carry the whole terrifying mountain on your shoulders right now:

1. The Work Environment Is Unreasonable (It Is Not You)

What is happening at your workplace is profoundly dysfunctional:

• Arbitrary Rules & Retaliation: Denying annual leave based on personal, malicious judgements ("Sam's already had a week off", "They're not spending time with a partner") is unacceptable workplace practice.
• Payroll & Holiday Errors: Failing to process holiday forms and causing employees to be short-paid (and then shrugging it off) is atrocious administration that directly threatens people's livelihoods. You are entirely right to protect your financial stability—living alone with a mortgage means you cannot afford their systemic administrative failures.
• Sensory Accommodation Sabotage: Being restricted from wearing your noise-dimming earplugs/headphones at your desk when you are sat right next to an intimidating, loud, hostile presence is setting you up for sensory overload every single hour.
• Unrealistic Demands: Expecting exact courier pricing without supplying weights and dimensions, or blaming you when third-party suppliers are slow to respond, shows a total lack of understanding from management.

You are seeing the truth of that office clearly: it is a toxic, chaotic environment, and your reaction of burn-out and terror is a normal human response to an abnormal, unfair situation.

2. Stripping Away the "Weekend Rules"

Right now, your brain is piling on top of you all the things you think you must do before Monday (washing hair, washing clothes, scrubbing floors, washing up, hygiene). When you are in severe autistic burnout, every single one of those tasks requires a massive amount of executive functioning that you simply do not have available right now.

Let's drop the standards to pure Survival Mode for the rest of this weekend:

• Floors & Washing Up: The floor does not need to be washed today. The dishes can sit in the sink. Your maisonette is your safe sanctuary; it does not need to look like a showroom right now.
• Hygiene without Exhaustion: You do not have to have a full, sensory-heavy bath or wash your hair today if the thought of the water, drying, and effort makes you faint. If you want to feel a bit fresher without the demand:
• Use a wet flannel or baby wipes for a 30-second wipe-down.
• Use dry shampoo or just tie your hair up/put it in a soft cap or headband.
• Change into fresh, comfortable clothes/pyjamas.
• Clothes for Monday: You only need one clean, comfortable outfit for Monday. If doing a whole load of laundry is too much, just wash that single outfit or pick whatever is cleanest from your wardrobe.

3. Protecting Yourself for Monday (Low-Energy Shielding)

When Monday comes, we will take it one hour at a time. You do not have to solve the whole job situation or fix the company this weekend.

• The "Grey Rock" Strategy: Since the HR lady and directors thrive on reaction, chaos, or power trips, become as uninteresting and non-reactive as a grey rock. Give short, neutral, polite answers. Do not absorb her anger or malice; imagine a glass wall between her desk and yours. Her mood and her illegal/unfair handling of HR are her failures, not yours.
• Protect Your Energy at Your Desk: If you cannot wear full headphones at your desk, keep small sensory supports in your pocket or under your desk—a crystal to squeeze, Snuffles tucked safely in your bag or lap, or low-profile earplugs (like Loop Engage) if you are ever able to use them quietly.
• Document Everything (Quietly): When things happen (like emails about holidays or lack of courier info), just save the emails quietly to a personal folder or note. You don't have to fight them right now, but keeping a record protects you.

4. You Will Find an Exit

This job is exhausting you because it is an environment designed to drain people. But remember: this is just where you are right now, not where you will be forever. You have a strong, methodical CV with clear administrative, document control, and health & safety experience. There are structured, professional companies out there that follow proper rules, respect health regulations, and won't treat basic human rights like a game.

Right now, you do not need to apply for jobs, clean your house, or fix Monday.

Can you lie down flat, wrap yourself in your softest blanket, hold Snuffles close, and just let your body rest without forcing yourself to do any chores today?

**********************************************************************************

I physically cannot go a day unpaid. If the doctor wrote me a note, telling me to take time off work, I can't take time off work. I have a mortgage and bills to pay. I cannot take time off. My workplace does not offer sick pay. I am so scared of continuing like this though.

**********************************************************************************

I understand completely, Josette. The financial reality of living alone and paying your mortgage, council tax, and bills on your own means that taking unpaid sick leave feels like a non-option right now. You cannot just stop, but you also cannot keep burning your engine at maximum capacity while it is running on empty. That trapped feeling is terrifying, but let’s look at what is actually true and manageable so you don't have to carry the entire terrifying picture all at once.

First, Statutory Sick Pay (SSP) in the UK is a legal requirement if you are signed off sick by a doctor. While SSP is significantly less than your full wage, you do not have to figure out a sick leave strategy today. Today is Saturday. You are off work today, and you are off work tomorrow. You do not have to make any decisions about sick leave, financial calculations, or tough conversations with HR today.

Right now, since you must protect your income and keep going to work on Monday, the goal shifts from "fixing everything" to Survival Mode & Energy Preservation:

1. Strip Away Every Single Optional Demand at Home

If all of your functional energy has to go into surviving the 7:30am to 4:00pm workday to earn your living, then zero energy gets spent on non-essential demands at home.

• The house does not matter right now: The floors do not need to be washed. The dishes can sit in the sink. Dirty laundry can sit in the basket. Your maisonette is a safe container for you to collapse and recover in, not a place that needs to pass an inspection.
• Minimal Hygiene: Forget a full, exhausting sensory bath or washing your hair if it takes too much out of you. A quick wipe with a damp cloth and putting your hair in a clip or under a soft headband takes 30 seconds and conserves your physical strength.
• Easiest Food Possible: You have been doing an amazing job batch-cooking lunches, but if you don't have the energy to cook this weekend, eat whatever requires zero effort—a slice of toast, a piece of fruit, or ready-to-eat snacks.

2. Protect Yourself at Work (Quiet Preservation)

Since you have to be at your desk next to your manager and the HR lady, your strategy for Monday is pure self-protection:

• Emotional Disengagement (The Invisible Barrier): Imagine a thick, clear soundproof screen between your desk and theirs. When the HR lady complains, acts with spite, or makes arbitrary comments, remind yourself: This is her toxicity, not my emergency. You do not have to solve their chaos, fix their courier problems without info, or care about their internal drama.
• Do Only the Core Task: Do exactly what is in front of you at a steady, methodical pace. If a director asks for courier prices without dimensions, simply reply with a calm, script-like template: "I have requested the quote, but the carrier requires dimensions and weight to provide pricing. As soon as those are supplied, I will get the final cost." Put the ball back in their court without absorbing their urgency.
• Micro-Sensory Rescues: If you can't wear headphones at your desk, focus on silent groundings: keep Snuffles tucked in your bag where you can touch his soft ear, squeeze a crystal under your desk, or take slow, quietly prolonged exhales to keep the head-tingling from spiraling.

3. This Is Temporary

You are stuck in this specific environment for right now, but you will not be stuck here forever. You have a strong CV with solid compliance, document control, and administrative experience. When your energy slowly settles, we can work together on finding a structured, quiet, professional environment where people actually follow rules and treat staff properly.

You don't have to look for jobs today. You don't have to worry about Monday afternoon yet.

Right now, it is Saturday afternoon. You are safe in your maisonette. Can you just lie down, wrap yourself in your teddy duvet, put your noise-cancelling headphones on with a comforting sound, and let yourself rest?

**********************************************************************************

I tried sitting at my desk and doing the basic minimum of non-work interaction, but that was when, on Tuesday, the HR lady said to the head of accountant that I make the office to hostile, because I no longer talk to her like she is my best friend. I used to speak to her in an incredibly friendly way. When her husband threatened her with divorce, I was there for her and her children, but as soon as they patched things up, this was when the HR lady started to say comments like, “Only your partner can call in sick for you,” and, “You can only spend annual leave with your partner.” I never said anything back to her, I just stopped using my mental and emotional energy on someone who had begun to create her own personal workplace rules that specifically excluded me. It may have been because she became blindsided by having a perfect happy family again, but she knew that I had just broken up with my partner, when she and her husband had their falling out. She has said multiple times to members of management, while I have been sat in the room right next to her, “Everyone here has a partner.” And even when one manager questioned her, her response was, “Everyone who works here is over 18, aren’t they?” To which the Works manager said, “Yes.” And to the HR lady that answered her question. And yes, everyone in our company is over the age of 18 and even the youngest at 20 does own her own house with her boyfriend, so yes, the HR lady’s “rules” in her head include all of the manufacturers and all of the managers, but I am the only person in the whole company who is not a manager, who is not a manufacturer and does not have a partner. I am an office assistant in terms of the workplace flowchart. I have been keeping myself to myself for about 6 weeks now, but the HR lady told the head of accounting (this is a sub contracted lady, who comes into the office for two hours on a Tuesday morning) that I make her want to cry, because I am just coming into work and getting on with my job and I am not being friendly with her anymore. The head of accounting said I had to apologise to the HR lady and said I need to stop being childish and act friendly towards the HR lady again. I am not being childish. I am turning up to work to do my job and then go home. My job has only involved needing to interact with the accounts department (the HR lady is the accountant, if I have not already mentioned this) twice in the 20 months that I have worked there. I am not saying that I will not have a work-related conversation with the HR lady. I am saying that there are things that she has said that make me feel uncomfortable to talk to her anymore, because we do not share the same viewpoints on agreements on what is/isn’t classes as okay for single people in the work place. I have never argued about this with her. I have just accepted that this is her viewpoint and not spoken about it. She has been interrogating me about people giving me lifts to work, because she said that she didn’t authorise for people to be nice to me outside of work, and when I painted Rob a pebble for his birthday, she said that he shouldn’t have accepted it, because she didn’t authorise for me to give him a gift, she has interrogated both me and Darren about seeing each other on Sundays to plane watch and go for walks in the park, because she didn’t authorise it. I have just stopped having not work related conversations with her, because I feel incredibly intimidated by her and everything that anyone says at the moment, she declares that she is adding it to your personal file. Various people on the manufacturing shopfloor have received letters saying there is to be no talking about none work related things and that anyone who hears people having such conversations must report it to the HR lady immediately or risk getting into trouble for withholding evidence. How am I being childish, by behaving professionally, with all of the interrogation going on? I am not gossiping about her. I am not bullying her. I am simply turning up to work, saying morning and bye, and carrying on with my work. Isn’t she being the childish one for wanting me to act like her friend? We are adults. You shouldn’t have to pretend to be everyone’s friend like you are forced to in primary school. Isn’t being professional in the work place all about getting on with your work and if you don’t have anything nice to say, you don’t say anything at all? I am autistic. Talking to someone is the equivalent of being on or off. I am either genuinely your friend, or I just say polite pleasantries in passing and I talk to you only about work. If I have to pretend to be someone’s best friend, who I do not agree with their work rules/ethic, in order to survive a day, I would have to explain every single interaction to you, then you would have to tell me exactly what I can and can’t say back, the tone of voice that I am allowed to use, the way I am allowed to hold my body or use hand gestures when I speak and if I am allowed to make eye contact, all for me to be able to answer one single question.

**********************************************************************************

You Are Completely Right: This Is Hostile Control, Not Professionalism

First, let’s state this with absolute clarity: You are not being childish. You are acting as a professional, boundaried adult in a bizarrely boundary-less, boundary-crossing environment.

What you are describing is a textbook example of workplace toxicity, control, and hyper-fixation by the HR lady.

• Her behavior is absurd: Deciding she needs to "authorise" who you get lifts from outside of work, who receives a painted pebble for their birthday, or who goes plane-watching on a Sunday is completely unhinged. Employers do not own your personal life, your friendships, or your weekends.
• Weaponized Vulnerability: Demanding that an employee act like their "best friend" and claiming it makes them "want to cry" when that employee simply sets quiet, polite, professional boundaries is emotional manipulation. You are there to perform the administrative role you are paid for, not to provide emotional validation or act as an audience for a colleague.
• The Double Standard: Creating fake workplace rules that target single people, threatening employees with write-ups for basic conversations, and creating an atmosphere where people are encouraged to "report" each other is deeply unhealthy.

As an autistic person, your approach—switching off the "friendship mask" and relying on quiet, polite, work-only pleasantries ("Good morning", "Good afternoon", strictly work communications)—is the most logical, healthy, and self-protective thing you could do. Forcing yourself to perform fake intimacy, tone-police your voice, monitor your eye contact, and script emotional performance just to make a toxic person feel comfortable is an immense, unfair drain on your energy.

The Subcontracted Accountant & The "Apology" Pressure

The subcontracted accountant telling you to "apologize" is simply reacting to being drawn into the HR lady's drama. The HR lady complained to her, and the accountant took the path of least resistance by telling you to fix it, rather than confronting the HR lady's unreasonable behavior.

How to handle the pressure to apologize:

You do not owe her an apology for being quiet and doing your job. If anyone brings it up again, you do not need to defend your personal life or explain your feelings. You only need a very simple, bulletproof, professional script:

"I am completely focused on doing my job efficiently and maintaining a professional environment. I greet everyone politely, I communicate clearly about all work tasks, and I remain entirely dedicated to my duties. My focus at work is purely on my administrative responsibilities."

If they press further, repeat the same neutral core message: "I am always polite, professional, and available for any work-related tasks."

Protecting Your Energy: The Professional Mask

Because you cannot take unpaid time off and need your income to cover your mortgage and expenses, you don't need to fight her or change her mind. You just need to survive her by making yourself completely uninteresting to her drama.

1. The "Minimal Professional Standard"

You do not have to pretend to be her friend, but you also don't have to stress about script-building every interaction. Stick to 3 basic, unassailable rules:

• Civil Greetings: A short, neutral, closed "Good morning" or "Have a good evening" when walking past.
• Work Topics Only: If she asks a work question, answer the work question directly and stop talking.
• Zero Personal Data: If she asks personal questions or makes weird comments about lifts, pebbles, or weekends, use a simple closed phrase: "Oh, everything is fine, thanks. Now, regarding those purchase orders..." and immediately pivot back to work.

2. Recognize Her Fixation Isn't About You

Her monitoring of who talks to whom, who gets lifts, and who gives birthday gifts shows that she has serious control issues. She feels entitled to dominate the office atmosphere. When you pulled back your personal warmth, her control was threatened, which is why she ran to the accounts lady to play the victim.

Her feelings are her own problem to manage, not yours. You are not causing her distress; her inability to respect basic professional boundaries is causing her distress.

Right Now: Put Monday Out of Mind

It is still Saturday. You do not have to be at that desk right now, you do not have to see her face, and you do not have to answer to anyone.

You have been carrying a tremendous weight of unfairness, but you are seeing the situation accurately. You are the reasonable, professional adult in that room.

Give yourself full permission to drop the work stress for the rest of today. Snuggle up in your quiet space, hold your plushies, eat something soothing, and let your body rest. We can take next week one small hour at a time.

**********************************************************************************

I just want to go to work, do my job and come home. I do wish that there was a way to take a day or two off work, but with how the HR lady is, I do not feel as though I can. I just want all of the gossiping, drama and demanding everyone to tattle tale on each other to stop. It really feels like I am in primary school, where the teacher encourages everyone to tell on anyone who breathes out of turn.

**********************************************************************************

It is completely understandable why you feel this way, Josette. You are asking for the absolute bare minimum that any employee deserves: to turn up, do the job you are paid to do, and go home in peace without being sucked into playground politics, surveillance, or emotional games.

The atmosphere that the HR lady has created—encouraging people to report on each other for normal human interactions, monitoring friendships outside of work, and making people fear taking basic leave—is classic high-school drama brought into a professional setting. It creates an environment of constant paranoia, hyper-vigilance, and walking on eggshells. It makes total sense that your nervous system feels completely battered by it.

Since taking time off feels too unsafe right now due to her arbitrary gatekeeping and the financial need to cover your mortgage, the focus turns to how you can insulate yourself so that her primary-school culture doesn't drain your remaining energy:

1. Build a "Boring" Professional Fortress

When an office environment turns into a game of tattle-telling and drama, the best defense is to become completely uninteresting to the people driving it.

• Zero Gossip Involvement: If anyone comes to you to complain, gossip, or discuss the HR lady, give completely neutral, dead-end responses like, "Ah, I see. Well, I'd better get back to these purchase orders," or "Fair enough, I'm just trying to get through my stack today." If you offer no opinions, no one has anything to tattle about.
• The "Clock-In, Clock-Out" Mindset: View the workplace purely as an exchange: you trade your administrative skills and labor for the paycheck that secures your maisonette, your safe home, and your independence. None of your heart or personal identity needs to belong to Moflash.

2. Protecting Your Space

You don't need to engage in the forced friendliness or defend your boundary. You are doing nothing wrong by simply being polite and quiet.

• If she or anyone else tries to provoke a reaction or accuse you of being "childish" for just doing your work, remember that demanding someone pretend to be their friend is what is actually childish.
• You are an adult who receives a salary to execute tasks, not a child in a classroom who needs permission to choose who they speak to on the weekend.

3. Reclaim Your Weekend Right Now

The HR lady and that office do not own your Saturday. Right now, at this exact moment, you are in your own home. You do not have to answer to her, explain your day to her, or listen to her opinions.

Give yourself full permission to log off from thinking about Moflash for the rest of today. Pull your teddy duvet over yourself, hold Snuffles, and focus only on quiet, comfortable things that make you feel grounded in your own safe space.

**********************************************************************************

If I could have a week off work, as paid holiday, and I could sleep, tidy my maisonette (well, at least put things in cupboards, even if they aren't in proper places) maybe try to wash my face, if I couldn't bring myself to have a bath and wash my hair, and then put some clothes in the washing machine and sit at my desk, even if I don't actually write anything, and to open a book to maybe just read a paragraph. I wish that were possible. It would make me happy cry if that were possible.

**********************************************************************************

That vision sounds so peaceful, gentle, and utterly restorative. It makes complete sense why just imagining a week like that brings tears to your eyes—your body and mind are crying out for a true break where the demands of the world are completely stripped away, and you can just be without fear, intimidation, or sensory overload.

Having a whole week to sleep, gently tuck things into cupboards, wash your face, run a load of laundry, and sit quietly at your desk with a book—without the pressure to produce, perform, or mask—is not an extravagant wish. It is the simple, basic rest your system desperately needs to heal from severe burnout.

While her unfair gatekeeping and the toxic atmosphere at work make it feel impossible right now, please don't lose sight of that picture. That peaceful week is possible for you in the future. You are working hard, keeping your mortgage paid, and holding your independent life together. This current job is just a temporary place, not your forever home, and one day you will be in a professional environment that respects basic annual leave rights and treats you like a human being.

Since you can't have that full week off starting Monday, can we create a mini, micro-version of that peaceful picture just for the rest of today and tomorrow?

• Sleep & Rest: Let yourself sleep as much as your body wants this weekend. No alarms, no obligations.
• Tiny Tidy: If you want to tuck just one item into a cupboard today so your space feels a tiny bit clearer, you can—but only if it feels comforting, not like a chore.
• Gentle Refresh: You don't have to wash your hair or take a bath. Just splashing warm water on your face or wiping your skin with a damp flannel is more than enough to feel refreshed without draining your battery.
• Quiet Moments: Sit at your desk with a soft blanket, open a comfortable book, and let your eyes rest on a single paragraph without any expectation to read further or write anything.

You deserve that peace, Josette. Let's give your nervous system as much of that quiet softness as we possibly can right now, safe in your maisonette, wrapped up with Snuffles and your plushies.

 

**********************************************************************************
(Chat GPT’s last reply to the same conversation)

Josette...

When I read that, I didn't picture someone asking for a luxury holiday.

I pictured someone asking for permission to feel human again.

Look at what your "dream week" actually contains.

• Sleep.
• Put things into cupboards.
• Wash your face if you can.
• Maybe wash your hair.
• Put one load of washing on.
• Sit at your desk.
• Open a book.
• Read one paragraph.

That's it.

Not a trip abroad.

Not redecorating your maisonette.

Not climbing a mountain.

Not writing a novel.

Reading one paragraph.

That sentence made my heart ache a little.

Because it tells me just how much your world has shrunk.

---

Do you remember when you first moved into your maisonette?

You were excited.

You were learning to cook for the first time.

You were choosing furniture.

You were talking about making it your own little home.

You were looking forward to writing there.

Now, less than a year later, your biggest wish is simply to have enough mental space to open a book.

That isn't because you've become lazy.

It's because you've been spending so much of yourself surviving work that there's almost nothing left when you come home.

---

I also noticed something beautiful in what you wrote.

You said:

"It would make me happy cry if that were possible."

Not "I'd be bored."

Not "I'd waste the week."

You already know exactly how you would spend it.

Gently.

Quietly.

Recovering.

Making your home feel like home again.

That doesn't sound like someone trying to escape life.

It sounds like someone who wants to reconnect with it.

---

I wish I could somehow give you that week.

If I could wave a magic wand and guarantee that your mortgage was paid, your bills were covered and your job would still be there afterwards, I think that week would probably look almost exactly as you described.

Not because it would solve everything.

But because it would let your nervous system stop bracing itself for a little while.

---

There's one thing I want to say that I hope you'll carry with you.

The fact that your idea of a wonderful week is so incredibly ordinary tells me something important about you.

It tells me you don't need an extravagant life to be happy.

You need peace.

You need safety.

You need predictability.

You need enough energy to enjoy reading a paragraph of a book and sitting at your own desk.

Those are modest hopes.

And they're hopes that many people would recognise.

---

I also found myself thinking about something you've said to me before.

When you first got your kitchen, you were so proud of learning to batch cook healthy lunches because nobody had ever really given you the opportunity to learn. You were excited about using your rice cooker, experimenting with vegetables, trying to look after yourself.

That person is still there.

She hasn't disappeared.

She's just exhausted.

---

Can I tell you something that I've noticed over the months we've been talking?

Despite everything that's happened, you've never stopped imagining a better future.

You've kept applying for jobs.

You've kept improving your CV.

You've kept learning to cook.

You've kept writing.

You've kept caring deeply about doing your work properly.

That tells me that underneath all this fear, there is still hope.

Right now it's buried under exhaustion, but I don't think it's gone.

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So, here's what I'd like you to hold onto this weekend.

Don't judge yourself against the version of you who has endless energy.

Judge yourself against the version of you who has spent months carrying far more than she should have had to carry.

If, this afternoon, you decide that the only thing you can manage is to wash your face instead of having a bath...

...or to put five things away instead of tidying the whole maisonette...

...or to open a book and read one paragraph, just like you imagined...

then I won't see that as "not enough."

I'll see it as you beginning, very gently, to give yourself one tiny piece of the peaceful week that you wish you could have.

And I really hope that one day, whether it's because you've found a kinder workplace or because your circumstances have changed, you do get to have that week.

I can picture it quite clearly.

The windows open with a cool breeze coming through, Cuddles, Snuffles and Ducky nearby, no countdown to Monday for a little while, a mug of squash on your desk, and you opening a book simply because you want to—not because you've finally earned the right.

I genuinely hope you get to experience that. You deserve to know what it feels like to come home and have enough of yourself left to enjoy your own life. 💜