I'm not going to work today. I think trying to end things is the only option I have left. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough Cal.
28 May 2026
27 May 2026
One Rule For Josette. One Rule for Everyone Else
I have always been the agony aunt for people’s
relationships. Friends and colleagues always seem to come to me and say that
their partner is causing them heartache, or something upsets them. I am often
able to understand why their partner is doing or saying the hurtful thing, and help
them to start a conversation with their partner explaining, “When you do [insert
thing here] it hurts me, please can you try to [insert thing here],” and it
usually always works, or at the very least, leads to a further conversation of
fixing things. A lady that I went to university with was going to break up with
her partner over something very tiny. I helped her to understand why he was
saying what he was, and now they are married, own their own house and have two
children.
Whenever I say to someone I am dating, “When you ignore me, withdrawn affection,
or leave me with uncertainty, it hurts me. It makes me feel anxious and scared
about our future together. All I need is a small piece of communication, to
help me feel like I am a part of your life, like a small text at the end of the
day, where you acknowledge my messages and respond, for example, “Sorry to hear
you’ve had a tough day. I have been stuck in meetings all day, so I know the feeling.
Looking forward to the weekend already. Goodnight x” but whenever I say that, I
am told I am controlling, a horrible person, I am trying to change them, or I
am in the wrong. I am not asking for hours of their time. I am not asking to
see them every day or even every week. I am not taking their time away from
their friends, who they see daily, or their family. I am not asking for gifts
or to have money be spent on me. I am just asking for a very low level, basic relationship
need. When you show affection one day, but withdraw it completely the next,
that makes any normal person anxious, but it causes an anxious person to feel
even more anxious. They always tell me to, “get help,” but every time I do, the
doctor always says that I need to be with someone who treats me with respect and
does not do this. So why am I the only one who, when I tell the person that I
am dating, that they are doing something that is upsetting me, that I am in the
wrong for trying to tell them? I am not an angry or aggressive person. I find
it really hard to speak up and say when things hurt me, I do it as kindly and
gently as possible, but I am still being told I am wrong.
I even tried mirroring them. They put in absolute minimum effort. Just a few
words here and there by text message. I go from putting in 150% effort, to matching
their 10% effort (not to be spiteful, but because I am hurting so much from
putting in 150% effort every single day that I am struggling to cope and cannot
stop crying) and they say there is no point in texting or communicating at all,
because we just say the same thing. Unless I am the one putting in 150% effort
every day, we don’t have any communication.
Why am I always stuck with men who treat me like I am worthless? I know that if
they truly loved me and I mattered to them that they would try. They always do
with someone else, never with me. Why is everyone else allowed to be in a
relationship where their partner listens to them, when they tell their partner
that they are doing something that hurts them, and between them they can work
together to fix it. When I say that my partner is doing something that hurts
me, I am told to see a therapist to get over needing basic communication, and to
not feel anxious when my partner can talk to everyone else in the world but me,
when they can share all parts of their life with everyone else, including
complete strangers online, but they cannot communicate with their partner, or
share their important life decisions with me. They treat me like I am worthless
and meaningless to them. That I am just supposed to sit there, twiddling my
thumbs, waiting for them, while they live their life doing whatever they want.
They don’t want to show up or make any effort. They think they can just show up
some day, speak to me, see me and then go back to not bothering for days or
weeks and everything will just be okay, like I am some ragdoll that doesn’t
need to be treated fairly or with respect.
It really is the Josette rules. It is one rule for everybody else and one rule
for Josette.
25 May 2026
Jack & Sally
I have spent the entire bank
holiday weekend making things. I sewed a pink frog, for my colleague, Amy,
whose husband decided last weekend that he wanted to divorce her, because she
has saved up enough money to buy them a house. I sewed three green frogs last
weekend that went viral, as 11,200+ people liked them and over 400+ people left
me wonderful messages and I have replied to each and ever person. Thank you.
I have, also, painted Amy three pebbles (one for her, one for her daughter and
one for her son). I have painted the three squishies that Tracie bought me for
my birthday and I have made the cat cushion that she bought me for my birthday
too. I do have photos of them that I will share at another time, along with my three
green frogs from last weekend.
Today is the day for my 48 hour
craft make. On Sunday and today, I have made two of my favourite characters out
of felt. I partially used a craft book, but the instructions were awful and the
pattern wasn’t removable or single sided and it had to trace parts by putting
my phone beneath the page and tracing over it with bumps and it was awful. The
pattern was just for a simple rag doll though and I wanted to make something special.
I have recently read ‘All Hail the Pumpkin Queen’ and ‘The Houe of the Pumpkin
Queen’, which I enjoyed. Also, my ex-partner loved these too. He was my Jack. I
definitely wasn’t pretty enough or goth enough to be his Sally, but I like to
think that he would have thought of me as his Sally.
This is the long and slow process of making me Jack and Sally dolls. Sally isn’t
completed yet. I didn’t have enough red yarn for her hair, so the yarn is just
resting on her head at the moment. I have ordered some red yarn from Etsy and I
am hoping that I will be able to finish her next weekend.
- Josie -
An Alternate Timeline
I have just finished watching ‘Shrek 4’, and the story line made me think. If Shrek is able to convince Fiona that they are in an alternate timeline, why can’t I do the same. I am fairly certain that I made a deal with Rumpelstiltskin too. I know I cried and said that I would do anything to stop your snoring. I wanted to sleep by your side forever, but your snoring is something that my sensory autism just couldn’t cope with. Not forever. If I made a deal with Rumpelstiltskin to get away from your snoring, just for one night, but he tricked me, and now I am stuck in an alternate timeline, where you are emotionally unavailable. You didn’t want to see me, spend time together, you couldn’t even message me to let me know you were okay. You bought a house without me, without telling me, without sharing that with me. You wanted distance. You wanted to be far away from me. You wanted to be alone. You hung up on me mid-conversation, when a better call came along. You couldn’t agree on a time to talk. You couldn’t message me to say goodnight. You couldn’t share any part of your day with me. You couldn’t spare two minutes of your day to message me. You didn’t want a connection. You didn’t want a conversation. You wouldn’t put in any effort at all. That isn’t you. That is some alternate universe you. The you that I know is kind and caring. He loves me, cares about me, texts me that he loves me every single day. He wants to slowly move into my maisonette. He wants to get engaged. He wants to marry me. He wants to a connection. He wants to feel like I am a part of his day, every day. He wants cuddles and kisses. He wants to see me. He wants to try. He wants to put just as much effort into every day as he did the day that we met. He loves me. I know he loves me. And I love him, with all of my heart. If there is any way in the entire universe that I could somehow reach out to you and convince you of this reality, I wish that you would come back. I wish that the old you, from the previous timeline would return. I miss him. I miss you. I love you, Dexter.
- Josie -
18 May 2026
Bumble
Okay, so I did it. I reinstalled Bumble. I really hope that I can meet someone who doesn't make me feel more lonely that being alone. I want someone who can actually communicate with me, just for two minutes, instead of being able to talk to everyone else in the entire world, including strangers, but not be able to talk to the one connection that is supposed to be their priority. I am so scared that I am too old now. I am scared that I have wasted my life being with people who couldn't treat me with respect and made me anxious and cry, then said it was my fault. I just want to be happy with someone. I'm scared that this isn't possible. I'm scared that all relationships are mentally abusive, to some extent, and I am just not strong enough. I just want someone to cuddle, who loves me as much as I love them, who doesn't disappear and only contact me when they're bored, or when they want something. I'm so scared that I won't get to live with my partner, because that is all I have ever wanted. I'm so scared that it is all too late. I just want to be happy with someone. Maybe I'm too old. Maybe I really am just worthless - that's how people eventually treat me.
14 May 2026
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