I have just washed my hair for the first time in about three months. Ugh! I hate it. It is way too long. I have been clipping it up so it doesn’t feel like I have hair, but now I am realising how incredibly heavy it is. I am tempted to chop it all off. I would look too masculine then though and I already get mistaken for a man. I have been dressing that way for the past few months though, so maybe it is time for a masculine haircut. A pixie cut would be way too short for someone with my masculine features.

I did just delete all of the photos of my ex-partner from my phone. I need to type this here for the date stamp, because I know I will get upset and want them back and will have to do it before my phone deletes them all from its memory, but if I don’t do it in time, I will lose them forever. Who knows, I might forget. I don’t want to forget. It is so bittersweet. I loved the positive times together and he genuinely made me happy, but the negative times were the worst I had experienced in six years. Why can’t I find a magic wand and remove the bad personality traits and make him forget them. He was very unique. There will never be anyone like him. No one will ever understand me quite like him. That was one of the special reasons that made me feel safe around him. The negative parts were exactly the same as a previous ex’s, however, it took my previous ex a lot longer to treat me in the negative way, which is what makes this hurt more… even now. I wish I knew that you were well, and not in a spiteful, “Yeah, I’m living the dream. You’re a loser, get over me already. I’ve moved on, so you should too,” sort of way. I genuinely hope you are happy. I think knowing that, will make me worry about you less. If I know you have a partner who you love and trust, so that I know you will never be alone… maybe knowing that would help. It would make me feel more worthless, but at least I would know you were safe.

I just need to sleep more. I already sleep for eight hours a night. Maybe I need to aim for nine hours a night. Work is so stressful. HR is getting me more and more wound up, upset and just really frustrated. Everyday something more infuriating happens. I really wish I would leave, but I can’t. I have no other job to go to. I either have to get a partner, so that I am allowed to book a day off, or I need to leave. Both feel impossible. I haven’t had Bumble on my phone for a while, but there isn’t anyone on there that doesn’t have at least one red flag!

I want time off to get rid of my sensory autism overwhelm burnout. I want to find someone who communicates consistently, prioritises our connection and remembers that we haven’t connected that day, not because he thought he had completed a tick-box exercise, but because he knows that he hasn’t reached out, doesn’t know if I am okay and hasn’t told me that they are okay. Not because I need them to cope, but because I care! Caring and needing someone to cope are not the same thing. I want someone that is mature enough to know the difference. Why is that asking too much? I don’t want to have money spent on me. I don’t want to have to go out of the way to meet up every single day. I don’t want to not be able to be me and I don’t want them to not be them. I just want to be treated as a partner… I want to be treated as I am in a relationship, not a situationship. I want someone to remember when they hang up after saying, “How was your day?” that they don’t know the answer and they genuinely care to want to hear the answer… not tomorrow, not after they have spoken to a, hung out with b, had drinks with c, watched TV with d, but once the important interrupted phone call ended. That isn’t being controlling or demanding. It is called wanting to be treated with respect. Why am I not worth that to anyone?

I am going to purposely prove everyone I have ever dated wrong. I am going to write all of the stories and make all of them the villains. You hurt me… well, I will make you the most hated person ever, Mary Shelley style. I will push everyone in my life away and I will prove that I don’t need family, friends or a partner. I don’t need a job that doesn't treat me with respect. I can do everything completely on my own.

Unless you are going to be nice, stay the hell away from me!



Update: It is so scary. The park around the corner from me is on fire. Four houses next to the park are on fire. The fire brigade have been here for ages. The police are here too. I think everyone living right by the park is being evacuated. Now I definitely can't sleep. it's too scary. I hope the fire doesn't come y way; my balcony is wooden!

I’m cancelling my interview. The thought of working for the wedding ring department of a jewellery factory, while being single forever, feels too much, and has me crying at my desk. I would cry at work every day, knowing that everyone else is allowed to have that, but it is wrong for me to want it. I’d rather stay working for a company forever, where I am not entitled to take a day off work or call in sick, because I will be single forever.

Sunny Is My Good Luck Charm

My new plushie chick, Sunny, is my lucky charm. First of all, the small happy feeling that I felt from her helped me to find enough energy to have a wash and a bath for the first time in three months. Now, I have a job interview!

 

I have an interview tomorrow to be a Production Coordinator for a wedding ring manufacturer. Oh, the irony! That feels incredibly wrong for me to have the interview. I’m not married. I don’t feel like I will ever be lucky enough to be someone that a person would want to marry. I’m definitely not against marriage – it’s something that I had always wanted. Would I be, not a hypocrite, but someone who isn’t married can’t manage the production of wedding rings! It would be a horrible taunt of the one thing I always wanted, but can never have. I don't even want the job interview anymore. I have to go all day without food, because I have had to schedule the Teams interview during my lunch break. Why would anyone want a job that reminds them every single day that all I want in life is a loving, safe-feeling relationship... to live with my partner and get married. Every single person that I have ever been on even just one date with says that this is either wrong, delusional or a complete fairytale, yet every single person that I have dated (excluding my last partner, as I have no contact with him, but we shall assume he is included in this) is now living with their partner and are married. It obviously means that there is one rule for Josette and one rule for everyone else. It must be wrong for me to want to have a loving, safe relationship, but it isn't wrong for everyone else. It must be wrong for me to want to live with my partner, but not anyone else. It must be wrong for me to want to be married, but not anyone else. Being married isn't just a piece of paper and a piece of jewellery. It means so much more than that. It is about commitment, sacrifices, working together, settling down, wanting to grow old with one another, emotionally, physically, legally. Why would I want to have it rubbed in my face that everyone else in the whole world is allowed to have that, but me?

To add to this, if I handed my notice in today, I would still be working for my current company up until the 9th November. I, almost, bought the book of the same name, for the date sake of my past situationship. I read the synopsis and I didn't think I would like the book though. I don't need the book as a memory, when I still have the things from his birthday last year that he never wanted to take home with him, the house warming gifts that I bought for hm and his birthday presents for this year that I already had. November is ages away. Having to give three months notice feels horrible. And on Friday, I overheard the HR lady and the Works Manager talking about what happens if someone doesn't work their full notice and the HR lady replied, "We take them to court," so I have to work my notice. Even if I was unfortunate enough to work for a jewellery factory, in the wedding ring department, I will still be at this incredibly toxic workplace until almost Christmas.

I managed to clean fridge. I cleared out the couple of fluffy cherry tomatoes, the about inch long soggy cucumber, a tiny handful of wilted spinach and I scraped away at the last of a tub if butter that has been open for, at least, a year. I took the bin and recycling out, and there had been some teeny tiny flies beginning to gather around the bin, as it is only me, so I do not fill a bin bag very often.

Yesterday, I managed to make food for the week. As I am struggling with the worst sensory autism overwhelm burnout and migraine that I have ever had, it did take me two full hours to chop carrots, parsnips, a red bell pepper, a yellow/green bell pepper and baby button mushrooms, and to cook the vegetables, make a sauce, cook the pasta and wash up, then completely clean down the kitchen.

Apart from chocolate, cheese, milk and pasta, I am very close to eating vegan. I don’t eat cheese very often. I guess I could start buying the vegan fusilli, as the tomato fusilli would go with most of my stews and sauces. I only have milk in porridge, so I guess I could try oat milk, although that isn’t good for you at all. My only big problem is chocolate. I cannot substitute or give up chocolate.

I spent a lot of last night awake, feeling sick. I still managed to get up at 5am, leave at 6:30am, walk six miles by 8:10am, travel to Birmingham Airport, with Darren, and watch the planes for five hours, before beginning the journey home. It isn’t really my thing, but it means a lot to Darren, and he had bought Snuffles a hoodie, which everyone loves, and he bought Snuffles a telescope, to watch the planes come in, and we had fun trying to locate the planes unique reference numbers, as they flew in. Oh and one of the pilots waved at me and Snuffles, which was very exciting! It is a very long day without food, but I am not getting a lot of exercise, because of all of the things wrong with my head needing a rest, so not eating all day is a good thing. I think I am only averaging 5 miles a day, which doesn’t even burn 1,400 calories. How on earth do people cope who get zero exercise at all? Oh and don’t get me started on the stupid people who think that barely eating anything and doing loads of exercise every day for a month to lose weight, but then return to eating normally and not incorporating exercise into their normal life counts, and then they get confused as to why they start to slowly creep the weight back on. What are adults so stupid! Or is it just my brother who is a complete nincompoop!

I have almost used up all of my scalp suncream this year, and there are still hot days left! I hate how that means constant screaming kids and that no one has a bedtime anymore. You can’t open the windows without hearing constant screaming. Screaming should be made illegal, or at the very least, you should get an asbo for it. Oh, and I forgot to reapply suncream to my hands every hour, today, so I have very sunburnt hands that are now burning, like mad.

And then my other little rant is to the weirdo who has decided to spend their time programming a their PC to view my blog from various different countries. It is the same device, showing that it is being used in numerous countries every single day. They have a Mac and use Chrome. Bots do not show up on Google Analytics, although they do in Blogger, so I know it isn’t a bot. I don’t know what you think you are achieving. It doesn’t mean anything to me. I do not do this for views. If I did, I would have social media and be buying views, or whatever it is that Gen-Z do nowadays. This is my safe space just for me to rant, knowing that no one reads this. My life is too boring and my creative writing is not good enough for people to want to actually read this. I am not an interesting or fun person. I just like to keep myself to myself... while holding onto my top secret wish that I might be able to find someone to share it with, although I know that isn't realistic anymore.

What else is there? I think Sunny helped me with my creative writing too. I was able to write a flash fiction piece about an event that happened at work this week, which I posted yesterday. I was able to continue working on Jane and James’ Reunion piece too. I only wrote a few sentences, while at work, but that was better than nothing.

Work has been incredibly busy and stressful this week, as my manager has been off with a broken rib. I am hoping he will be back on Tuesday, as I only have him for a couple of weeks, then he is off on holiday, and when he comes back he will only be working part time. I know that I will never be able to retire, so I am very jealous that this is his early retirement – working part time. I will cope even less once he goes down to part time. I really, really, really wish that I could just take a few days off, just to try to feel better.

Despite being awake most of last night, with a sicky migraine, I did have a very strange dream. I dreamt that it was Tuesday evening, and I was home from work. I had attempted to do a yoga video session, when I received a text message from my most recent ex-partner, saying that he was outside my maisonette block. I felt incredibly lost and confused, as I had not heard from him in months, after he misunderstood something that I wrote and started acting like a weird, Gen-Z, young kid and texted me some really cryptic weird things and seemed to not understand how Millennials use social media, despite being a Millennial himself. Anyway, I let him in and we were stood in my hallway talking. He as trying to convince me that he now understood what being in a serious relationship entailed and he was sorry for not treating us that way. I don’t know whether he intended to leave straight away or not, but there was a huge, incredibly loud ringing. Everyone in the UK was receiving a text alert from the government, because the Midlands was being bombed imminently. It said to turn all electrics off, step away from windows, close all blinds then stay still and hide, do not leave your current location and wherever you currently are is where you must remain for the next 48 hours, or until further notice. I started to panic. I turned my electric fuse box off and I went into the living room, sat down on the settee and started hyperventilating. He went into my bedroom and fetched Cuddles, Snuffles, Ducky and my blanket that my nan crocheted for me and we sat next to each other on the settee. He wrapped a blanket around us and he held onto me tightly, as I silently cried. There were lots of immense bangs and the ground trembled. Lots of glass, outside, shattered, and I think it was all of the cars windows smashing. Somehow I knew that my surrounding area was destroyed, but my maisonette was intact. I also somehow knew that my workplace was destroyed (the director wouldn’t have cared anyway, because the company’s contingency plan is, if anything happens to the business, he takes the insurance money and retires). I remember feeling so scared, but so grateful that my favourite person was with me, so that I knew he was safe. I was also feeling selfish, because I knew that we had to spend 48 hours together, but I felt intense grief, worry and sadness, as I did not know if his home, family or friends were safe. Then I woke up.

I think that is all for now. I am so incredibly sleepy that I may have to go to sleep now, at 6:40pm.

Oh, something that I just remembered that I wanted to write down, because I have been thinking about it on and off today. Today is twelve years since my nan passed away. She (along with my father (and at my nan's funeral his family said this, as did my nan's friends and my mum's friends and my godmother and her parents) always said that I would never get married, as I am supposed to look after my mum and brother for the rest of my life, and I am not allowed to have my own life. I know that what I am about to say is superstitious nonsense, but someone who you could pay to ask if you were cursed, but they returned our money to you (and a lot of people had their money returned to them) told me that a female member of my mum’s side of the family has cursed only me, not my mum or brother, because she did not approve of my career choices and she believed I owed my family support of some kind. I have said multiple times that I honestly do think that my nan has cursed me. Twice in my life, since she died, I smelt my nan with me, and both times, my partner-at-the-time did something completely out of character and didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. Two years ago, I thought I saw her, and my supervisor, at the time, turned against me, out of the blue, despite being my best friend for the past six months. My new biggest, but most impossible, wish is to meet someone and get married in one year to the day, so that on the thirteenth anniversary of her passing, I have proven her wrong, broken the “curse” and things will actually feel less scary. I know it is silly and a fantasy. I know there is one rule for Josette and one rule for everyone else. I know that everyone else is allowed to live with their partner and marry their partner, but not me. I can still dream though, and live in hope. There isn’t any harm in living in hope. I don’t need anyone to get through life… I can do everything completely, 100% entirely on my own... and from my experiences, I don’t think there is anyone out there for me… but holding onto hope doesn’t hurt anyone, but me.

Wednesday - A Flash Fiction Piece

(Josie Sayz: This is a flash fiction piece from Wednesday at work. I am loving AI. I can quickly write out a piece of fiction on a scrap piece of paper and it can translate it into text in seconds. It is incredible and saves me so much time.)

A thumping pounded in her head, as Jane approached the manufacturers' department. Carrying the next day's work instructions in her arms, the heavy, fuzzy head, that had plagued Jane's mind for the past few, intensified.

The floor changed from slate grey, with specs of glitter, to intense royal blue, with a sandcastle yellow outlining the walkway. The floating fluorescent lighting beamed down far brighter in the manufacturing wing of the building than in the offices upstairs. An intense roar from the fans up above, as they oscillate, overpowered Jane's ears. Her shoulders tensed. Her eyes squinted, as she adjusted to the change in atmosphere.

A fluorescent yellow blur caught her eye. The sudden movement caused Jane to stop. Swinging his right arm back, the manufacturing supervisor flung his highly visual vest off and stuffed it in the wheelie bin beside his workstation. A frown furrowed Jane's brow. The supervisor swiped his backpack, from under the table and threw it on his back, as he raced towards the clocking in machine. As the lines on Jane's forehead deepened, she spun on her heels to glance up at the clock above the doorway.

‘There's five minutes left of the day yet,’ Jane observed, as the hands of the clock pointed to five-to-four. Turning back around, Jane fumbled with the paperwork in her arms, as she pressed into her digital fitness tracker. The screen lit up. 15:55. 'At least some of us here remember how to work,' Jane murmured to herself. With a new found vigour in her step, the red head marched down the production line and handed out tomorrow's paperwork, exchanging small pleasantries with each colleague along the way.

With the manufacturing supervisor leading by example, as soon as Jane had handed out the last of the paperwork, the manufacturers all grabbed their bags and began making their way towards the clocking in machine. As the warehouse employee made his way to the back of the queue, Jane approached him. "Is Abs okay?" she whispered.

"I dunno," came the reply with a shrug. "He wasn't interested in speakin' t' anyone today. Just kept sayin' he's tired."

The time on the clocking in machine changed to 16:00. With a press of his thumb Abs clocked out and raced through the door. "Jane," hissed the warehouse colleague. A puzzled pucker lined her brow, as Jane watched her colleague jerk his head towards the wheelie bin. Taking a hesitant step towards him, Jane neared the wheelie bin. Her eyes flickered inside and lingered upon the fluorescent vest, before looking back up at her colleague, who had a huge, wide-eyed grin on his face. “Watched ‘im throw it in. Don’t look like he’s comin’ back tomorrow.” Pinching her lips in, a small glow spread across Jane’s cheeks. “Don’t you start,” warned her friend, before they both began chuckling. “We can live in hope.”

 

- Josie -

Do What You Love, With People Who Make You Happy

Rob gave me a cuddly, yellow chick yesterday. It is the softest, most cuddly plushie I have ever felt. I can’t upload a photo from my phone, but I will try to add it on here from my laptop sometime. I couldn’t stop cuddling her. I named her Sunny, influenced by her bright yellow colouring and cheerful expression. This kind gesture of gifting her to me, instead of throwing her out, meant so much to me. I gave him the biggest of hugs and this gesture and this plushie have actually helped my sensory autism overwhelm burnout more than anything. Last night, for the first time in longer than I can remember, I was able to bring myself to do something. I had a bath. I actually felt like doing something. Then, I had a successful meeting with a new supplier, by myself, without my manager helping me. Then, when I got home today, I cleared out the fridge and took the rubbish and all of the recycling down to the communal bins. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to do much, but it was a start. I am still struggling and staring at the wall, but baby steps.

 

There is a huge rant that I really want to make about how the dumbest person at work thinks that her connotation of the word “immature” is the same as the denotation of the word, when it is in fact the opposite, yet she is somehow leading an uprising within the manufacturers, despite also being the youngest, as well as the dumbest and more immature. People in their 50s are listening to a dumb child.

 

Then there is the rant about stupid people complaining that social media accounts are full of content that they do not want to consume. Social media presents you with content that it thinks you want to consume based solely on what you engage with, even if you only click on it to see what it is. I was only able to have Instagram for around three months before I had to delete it for my personal safety, but I was only ever recommended plushie pictures and accounts of women with the same type of sensory autism that I have, who cannot cope when plans change, people change, losing contact with anyone and knowing that every single things that happens every day changes a person’s personality, so if you don’t have regular communication with someone they become a complete stranger to you and you have to learn to get to know them all over again. Then the only other experiences online I have are YouTube, where my recommendation list is tarot videos, art videos, free public domain audio books and dungeons and dragons type videos. When I had LinkedIn the only content I saw were from electronics companies talking about the global scarcity of certain lines and the effects the new global shipping routes are having on sales, a few solicitors, but it was mostly posts from the publishing industry, following my subscription to some small publishing companies newsletters. When people complain about inappropriate videos, news articles, influencers and articles they can’t stand, stop engaging with them. The joy of the internet is that you can personalise it to exactly what you want to see. I miss having the contact with the few friends that I had on Instagram. I loved that whenever I felt down or was made to feel not worthy or not good enough to communicate with, I could open a website filled with everything I wanted it to be. There were Jellycat collectors, Charlie Bears enthusiasts, Build a Bear creators, people who only collected plushies of a certain colour, there were sensory autistic women who posted fantasy stories they liked, fabrics that were sensory safe, collections they were making, small little milestones that they had achieved, things that they had learnt about friendships and relationships that were really helpful to me. I can’t have that anymore because certain Gen-Z and people who act like they are Gen-Z when they are much older, made it unsafe for me. My point is, why are people so stupid? You can like what you like and social media will just show you these things. If you don’t like something, don’t engage in it.

 

Back in 2017, I used to have a quote on my desk that I got while on holiday with my partner. It said, “Do what you love, with the people who make you happy.” I think the world would be a much nicer place.

 

I wish that I could create my ideal little bubble. Nothing super fancy or anything expensive or special. I just want a job similar to what I do now, but at a company that doesn’t keep inventing new rules every week based on immature rules of primary school, or taking away the human rights of single people. I would want to find someone who actually wants to settle down and have a quiet, cosy relationship, without drama, who doesn’t still act like a teenager. Just a simple, quiet, calm life, where I can read books in peace, go to sleep without people next door or downstairs blasting the TV until midnight (I currently cannot sleep, because the man below me is watching TV), where I can write stories, have my teddies with me, enjoy cuddles and not have to worry about the world outside. I want to do what I love, with the people who make me happy.

 

 Here is Sunny with Snuffles (in his new hoodie from Uncle Darren!)