(Josie Sayz: Later note, Blogger
is becoming harder and harder to use. It shouldn’t be this complicated to copy
and paste text from Microsoft Word and insert a few pictures. This has taken
over an hour!)
The past two weeks, I haven’t
felt particularly well, so it was nice to get so much accomplished yesterday!
On Monday 20th April, I was a little disappointed, as I was not allowed
to attend the meeting, with the new supplier, that I had arranged. My manager
did instead, as he had me opening boxes, containing heavy Explosion Proof
sounders and beacons, to check their metal reference plating. This took up my
entire Monday, half of the Tuesday, and then on the Wednesday, I had to rearrange
where they were stacked on the mezzanine, which took up all of my Wednesday
afternoon.
I have not felt quite right
since then. I know how to lift correctly, so I did not pull my back. I do not
have much upper body strength, so my upper body was achy for the rest of the week.
Part of my problem is, despite being issued with lightweight steel toecap
shoes, from work, in September, I still have not got completely used to them. I
usually wear them at my desk for 75% of the day, then I am only walking in
them, when I am on the manufacturing shopfloor. I have noticed that when I am
on my feet all day, my calves are burning, as though they are on fire all
evening. I experienced this sensation this time around too, however, more
severe. This burning pain is still affecting me now. No one else on the
shopfloor has complained about this level of pain, and I would know of they
had. Our lot complain about absolutely everything. But then something occurred to
me. I have different steel toecap shoes to everyone else. They had ordered me
the wrong size initially, when they ordered everyone else’s – why would little
5ft 2” me be a UK size 7? So, when they had to reorder me a size 5, they were,
apparently, sold out in the same style that everyone else had, so they ordered
me a different pair. Well, upon doing my research into the shoes, it turns out
that my pair have harder souls, are cheaper, and are more likely to cause
discomfort. I have been given the specification, from the Head of Engineering,
and HR have said that I can buy my own, and they will put £20 towards them, in my
next pay, as they only spent £20 on the shoes – no wonder they cause me to be
in so much pain. The souls are so hard that there is no flex to walk correctly
in them. They put added strain on the calves, then there is the weight on top
of this. I had been wondering why I have been struggling to walk home every day
for the last few months, and why my legs feel unusually heavy. Now it is all starting
to make sense. I do not particularly want to spend my own money on a pair of steel
toecap shoes, that will become property of my work place, as soon as I put them
on, as they will keep the receipt. I do not want to spend money on a pair of
shoes that I do not want, as I do not really want to be at this work place. My
mum keeps guilting me into staying, because she says that I have to, because
they have given me a pay rise (she just thinks that I am now on minimum wage,
she doesn’t realise I am now on £29,678), but in reality, I shouldn’t be
begging and grovelling to a director that treats the company like it is still
the 1980s, there are no modern health and safety regulations, a lot of HR is
dismissed by him, I know how to get the company shut down through lack of health
and safety policies. I am finally being paid what I am worth, but it doesn’t mean
that another company won’t recognise what I am worth.
My additional thing of not
feeling 100% is that my body feels completely rundown, like I have the flu, but
without the cough, cold, phlegm etc.. My body just aches terribly, I have such
a heavy fuzzy head, it is hard to concentrate, hard to get out of bed. I do not
know how I have been making it through the working day. My legs have felt like lead, I feel incredibly lightheaded, I keep getting the sensation of rain on my scalp, my ears keep ringing and I keep thinking I am going to faint - this has been significantly worse this week, where I almost fainted at work multiple times and I kept having to sit on the floor or lean against a wall. A few days, people told me that I looked like I was drunk, because I was that out of it, and I have never sipped an alcoholic drink in my entire life. Despite this never
happening before, I have been told that this is likely due to an autism
overload. I have recently broken up with an avoidant. Being with one is incredibly
emotionally draining, puts you on edge constantly, makes you cry every day, but
once you break up with one, it makes all of those anxious, panicky, upset
feelings become 1,000% stronger. I have been learning so much about avoidant/anxious
relationships lately. Apparently autism makes these types of breakups feel even
more intense too. So this is likely why I feel like absolute poop. I keep
wanting to try to fix things. I keep explaining over and over and over why it
isn’t working and how to fix things, but the avoidant keeps saying, “I don’t
know what to do.” Act like a normal person! You can talk to everyone else in
the entire world, but you cannot talk to me. You can prioritise all of your
other friendships, but you can’t spare two minutes of your day for me. I was
never asking for much. I was never being controlling or demanding. I was never
after gifts or constant attention. I was after the bare minimum, basic communication
for a relationship to work. Not, “Stop trying to win me over.” There is no, “Winning
someone over,” in a relationship. The beginning shouldn’t be you trying, then
once I am your girlfriend you stop. It is the opposite. The beginning bit is
the easy part of a relationship. Then you have to maintain it – that’s the bit
where you try! If I buy you gifts, write you notes, find out films you like for
us to watch together or cook you a meal that you enjoy, that is not me trying
to win you over. That is me maintaining a basic adult relationship! I had to
completely cut off contact with the avoidant last weekend, because they still
keep blaming me. I am not self-sabotaging by saying that I am obviously not the
one for you every time you mentally abuse me. If I was the one for you, you
wouldn’t push me away, you would include me in the most important decision of
your life, you would communicate with me, if you had another incoming call, you
would call or message me later, not hang up as soon as you say, “How was your
day?”, you would genuinely want me to know how you are, if you are okay, how
your day has been, and you would care about knowing if I was okay. It shouldn’t
be, “Oh, I don’t have to check in with Josette. I don’t care if she is okay. I
don’t want to see her answer to me asking her how she is feeling or how her day
went. I don’t want to share my day with her. I want to tell everyone else in my
life how I am, how my day went and to share all of my big new life decision
plans, but I don’t want the person who should matter the most to me to know any
of those things.” I have wished more that ever that you would stop being
avoidant and that we could be okay again. I want you to want a real
relationship. You did all of the things you promised me you never would. I miss
you, and this hurts so much. I was looking through our photos last night, I can
see in them exactly when you changed. Putting the photo side by side one taken just
five weeks earlier, I can see two different versions of you. No one else can
see the difference, but I can. It is like a switch went off in your head, not
long after turning 34 and you became a different person, just like I feared you
would, just like you promised you wouldn’t. The scary thing is, you did 100% to
a tee, the exact same things I told you I was scared would happen. It was like
you took all of my fears, that I told you about in confidence, and purposely
went out of your way to make all of them come true and hurt me.
The Samaritans have got rid of
email contact now, so now I have no way of talking things through with someone.
I can’t talk on the phone, and this is apparently a common autism thing too. Oh
and the waitlist for my autism specialties person is two and a half to three
years. I already know things to help me, like not going to the supermarket when
it is busy, not going to places that are loud and overcrowded – that doesn’t
mean I can never go, it just means learning when it is less busy. I even found
out this week that an iPhone has background nature sounds loaded into it. After
having a week of the worst sensory overwhelm I have ever experienced and I almost
ended out collapsed in a heap on the floor, crying, because I just couldn't
cope on my walk home, learning about this built in feature has been a life
saver. Since January, I always carry my SoundCore noise cancelling headphones
with me, just in case.
Oh, and last Saturday, I
decided that I need a planner. I figured that it would help me control the
tiniest little part of my life that I can. The avoidant took my happily ever after
away, and the thought that I could ever be with someone (I did sign myself back
up to dating apps, like everyone said to, but I can’t cope with another
avoidant relationship, so I don’t think I could ever be with someone ever
again. It should be illegal for avoidants to be on dating apps in the first
place. Surely you should get fined, or a couple of weeks in prison for the
metal abusive being an avoidant puts on your partner). Anyway, I wanted a
planner, but I realised something frustrating. I would either have to buy one
dated January and tear out four months, which seems like a waste, or wait for the
academic ones to come out in two-to-four months’ time, but I didn’t really want
to wait that long either. Then ChatGPT helped me find one on Amazon, that was
undated, but the layout didn’t feel like me, and I would have been spending £30
for the sake of it. Then it suggested the Swedish company Personal Planner.
This was perfect. For less than the price of the none dated planner on Amazon,
I could completely personalise a 12 month planner, have it start in May, choose
the layout of the pages, choose the colour of the headings, choose the font,
create a front and back cover, choose the colour of the spine and the elastic,
as well as have a personalised, “If you find this planner, please contact,”
section. I was so excited for it. The delivery was supposed to be by UPS, which
I know means that it needs a signature. I work. I am out for the house from
5:45am, and I don’t get back home until 5:45pm. UPS do not work weekends or
Bank Holidays. We have a UPS delivery driver come to work every single day, so
I had it to be delivered to work. On the day that it was out for delivery, it
never arrived. On the evening, when any undelivered parcels should have been
rescanned in, and their status updated, nothing. Our goods-in guy mentioned to
our UPS delivery driver that I was a little anxious that my parcel had gone
missing. He said that no status update means that it is lost. The UPS driver
asked for the name on the parcel and what it would look like, and he said he
would look out for it. He said he would remember my name, as it is the same as
his mum’s and he went out of his way to search for it for me. He arrived at
work on Friday with it and I cried. This UPS man is wonderful. My parcel had
become torn open, placed in the lost/damaged cage that often get sold on to
those YouTube “I brought lost mail,” videos. You have no idea how absolutely
grateful I am to our UPS driver. He has helped me to regain a little sense of
control in my life. This planner means so much to me. I am going to treasure
it. These are the digital images of the planner that I designed. Yes, it does
look exactly the same in person. I love it:
The complete emotional overwhelm has
left me with a migraine, the past three/four days now. I spent yesterday
fighting through it, as I did not want to let the avoidant win and still
control my life. I wanted to tidy up, for the first time since mid-February, and
move my belongings around, so that my maisonette no longer reminds me of him. Despite
all of my other eight senses working overtime, my ninth sense, my sense of
time, is non-existent. Yesterday, I wrote myself out a to-do list. I had no
idea what I could possibly get done, as I have no idea how long things take to
do, nor do I have a sense of time, so I have no idea how long has passed. I
literally have to look at my watch, to discover the time. This was what I
intended to do:
And the things highlighted in
blue are what I managed to do:
The very first thing that I did
yesterday, after making my list, of course, is I followed along to a yoga video
for the first time in three months. I had been doing it every day, at the beginning
of the year, but then I had to stop doing it, when the avoidant couldn’t agree
a phone call time and I spent a couple of months sat, twiddling my thumbs, just
waiting to hear from him. So this was me taking back that little bit of me. It
was only a twenty minute, beginner friendly video, but it did help me. Then I spent
over an hour trying to figure out why my Vax vacuum cleaner had stopped sucking
up properly. I always clean my filter, but I gave it an extra clean, as James
suggested washing it, so I did and I left it out in the sun to dry. I used
ChatGPT to try to help me. I checked all of the hoses were clear of
obstruction, and were dry. I ensured that everything was fitted back together
properly. Then I discovered the culprit… this:
There wasn’t anything specific
stuck in there blocking it. It was mostly fluff and crumbly pieces from when I
had my kitchen fitted. It was so hard to unclog it. This is the part that took
over an hour, but eventually, I got it all clear and my vacuum works like new
again! I had asked the retired Dyson Head of Engineering for advice, but even
he had told me to buy a new vacuum. I am so incredibly grateful that I don’t
have to outlay more money! This is what came out of my vacuum:
So then, I spent a very long time vacuuming
the kitchen, living room, bathroom and hallway (I did tackle the bedroom, but
that was later). I had brought some narrow, adhesive shelves, that I thought would
be useful to store some of the little plushies and figures that I collect. I
wanted to brighten up the hallway. I have two, old, plain, wooden cupboard doors
in my hallway. One is to the cloak room and the other is to the cubbyhole. The
cubbyhole door always has my heated airier leaning against it (as there is nowhere
else for it to go). I didn’t want to obstruct the practicality of this, so I
planned for three of my shelves to be distributed evenly above this space. I
did measure them, but I only had a flimsy measuring tape and I didn’t have a
second pair of hands, as I live on my own, so this is the best that I could do,
without turning my entire door into a grid. This is a picture of what it looked
like before:
And this is after:
I love that the very first thing
that I see, when I come out of my bedroom door, are my tiny plushies smiling at
me. I added four onto the other door
too, and I have added some figures and my genie lamp onto those for now,
although this will definitely change and I will fill it with lots of cute things:
I cleaned out my cloakroom and
reorganised it. I stacked a few more things in the cubbyhole. I then spent the
entire day deep cleaning my bedroom. I vacuumed the floor, I sorted and reorganised
under the bed, I set up my desk, as I had moved it into the bedroom, but I had
not set it up so that it was useable. Oh and to give my desk chair a new look,
I bought a sage green cover for it, so that it ties in with the colour scheme
of my maisonette. This is what the chair looked like before:
And this is what it looked like
afterwards:
I put up my canopy, I spent two hours
steaming it (as it was very crinkly and creased) and I created my cute, little,
reading nook:
I tidied up my windowsill, for the first
time since moving in and I have organised my crystals to be displayed all along
it:
I finally have my rugs back on either
side of my bed. I have the rug back in the living room too. I have compiled all
of my craft things and they are all together in the living room – this now does
look rather messy, but that will be organising for another time.
Oh and I have my adhesive wall
tiles for my kitchen splashback. They aren’t proper tiles. They are just wipeable
stickers, but until I can afford to get
this done, this at least protects my walls and it looks okay. I know it is
wonky (this is how I know I can’t put up my own wallpaper in the living room,
despite Steve keep telling me that I can) but it is okay from a distance, so I
will leave it at that.
I messaged Philippa on her birthday
(and I bought her a little present that I gave to her on Friday). I have her,
Amy and Darren that I can reach out to, over the weekend, when I get upset. I have
Lizzie, Nancy and Jeremy too. And Steve, but work-dad is very poorly at the moment,
so I don’t want to bother him.
I have discovered that I own a
purple gel-like pen, but not the poor quality type that kids collected around
age 10. This is an EnerGel pen by Pentel. It is the pen that I was testing,
when I wrote out my to do list. I must have bought it a couple of years ago and
never got around to using it, as it still had the protective cap on the nib. I
love the colour and how easy it is to write with, but it is a 0.7mm and writes
way to thick. I usually use a 0.7mm biro and I never have any issues. Apparently,
Pentel do this pen in a 0.5mm, so I have this on order and it should hopefully come next week, so I will have an easier pen
to write in my new planner with.
I have paid all of my bills –
mortgage, life insurance, council tax, communal charges, services charge and the
repairs bill (it isn’t really a repairs bill. Nothing has been repaired. It is
just a £8.88 a month fee that the building owner pays AEFellows, just in case
something needs repairing, then there will be a fee on top of that). I have
done my weekly grocery shop too, although I have forgotten Basmati rice, as I
used the last of it last week. I will have to pop out to get some. I remembered
to buy coconut milk this week, so I am going to make a red lentil curry for the
week.
I have re-written out a to-do
list for today. This one is less intense. I mostly have self-care things to do
today. Oh, and I have finally lost the half a stone that I had put on, in
weight. I weighed myself, this morning, and I am back to weighing 7 stone and 4
pounds again – yey!
I think that is everything for
now. I daresay if I have forgotten something, I will just add it to a new post
later!
I almost forgot, I have seen a few
people post, on Instagram, that there is a custard cream plushie that looks
like a Jellycat, but it isn’t a Jellycat. Someone said it was a Tesco, but
someone showed one having a “Next” tag on it. Custard creams are my favourite
biscuit. I really, really, want this plushie. I really hope that I can
find it. I’m not lucky enough to have anyone in my life that I could ask for it
for my birthday. I don’t live close to a Tesco. There is one that is five miles
away, but I don’t particularly want to walk ten miles if they don’t have it. Oh
well, I guess I will have to walk it tomorrow and hope that they have it. If
they don’t, I will have to scour the internet for it, I guess.
Oh, and I finished painting and I varnished the two pebbles that I started painting, while I was on holiday, last month. They were for someone that I knew, but they are probably going to sit on a shelf now. I wanted to finish them, because this person meant the world to me... they still do. the one on the left is supposed to be a crow. The one on the right is supposed to be a seagull, with a doughnut in its mouth:
I want to finish this post with the photo that I took of my bed, before I went to sleep:
-
Josie -
