It’s 3:35pm. I am
home. I asked to go home at 1:40pm, because I couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t
want to be at work anymore. I am too scared to be in the same building as Amy.
I don’t know what I going to do tomorrow.
I don’t understand why I am not allowed to just do my work and not have to talk
to people about none-work related things. I don’t want to talk and know that
everything I talk about and every time I speak, it is potentially being logged
on my HR file. I don’t feel comfortable being around Amy, when she says things
like, “You should be grateful you have people doing things for you,” to me and
constantly asking if I got a lift in with someone or a lift home or if I spent
a day over the weekend with someone from work, and telling people that she didn’t
authorise for me to paint someone a pebble in my own time on the weekend, so
therefore the person who I gave it to should not accept it, and that only a
partner is allowed to call in sick for you and only people who are spending
time with their partner, child or visiting family that they haven’t seen for
years are allowed to book holiday and I am not allowed to go home when I feel
unwell, because I cannot work from home.
I’m
really glad you told me you’re home. After what you described earlier — feeling
like you couldn’t get through the next hour — getting yourself out of that
environment and somewhere you feel safer was an important step.
Reading
this, it sounds like today wasn’t just “a bad day at work”. It sounds like your
nervous system reached a point where being in that building, anticipating
interactions with Amy, and feeling watched or judged became unbearable. Crying
uncontrollably at work is usually a sign that you have been holding far too
much for too long.
Right
now, before thinking about tomorrow, I’d like you to focus on the next few
hours:
- Have some water or your squash.
- Eat something if you haven’t
eaten.
- Sit somewhere that feels
comforting — with Snuffles, Cuddles and Ducky if they’re nearby.
- Let your body come down from the
adrenaline of having to leave.
About
Amy and what you’ve described: I can understand why you feel uncomfortable.
There is a big difference between a workplace having reasonable expectations
about communication and someone repeatedly commenting on, questioning, or
monitoring aspects of your personal life that are not relevant to your ability
to do your job.
Things
like:
- asking repeatedly who gives you
lifts,
- questioning who you spend time
with outside work,
- commenting on a gift you made in
your own time,
- making sweeping statements about
who is “allowed” to take holiday,
- implying that only certain
relationships count as valid reasons for needing time,
would
understandably make someone feel scrutinised. Your friendships and hobbies
outside work are part of your life, not company property.
At the
same time, I want to gently separate two things because it may help you feel a
little more grounded: Amy saying something upsetting does not automatically
mean every single thing you say is going into an HR file. That fear makes sense
when you feel unsafe, but the feeling of being watched can become overwhelming
and make every interaction feel dangerous. In most workplaces, HR records are
not supposed to be a running diary of normal conversations.
For
tomorrow, you do not have to solve your whole future tonight. You don’t have to
decide “stay forever” or “quit and become homeless”. Those are huge,
frightening extremes that your brain is offering because it is trying to escape
a situation that feels intolerable.
A
smaller question is:
“How do I get through tomorrow safely and protect myself?”
Some
possible steps:
- Keep conversations with Amy brief
and work-focused.
You don’t have to justify your private life. Simple phrases are enough: - “I’m just focusing on getting my
tasks done today.”
- “I’d rather keep my personal
life separate from work.”
- “I’ll send that over by email.”
- Write down what happened today
while it is fresh.
Not an emotional essay — just facts: - date/time,
- who was present,
- what was said,
- how it affected your ability to
work.
This is
not about “building a case” tonight. It is about helping you trust your own
memory.
- Consider speaking to Steve or
someone you trust at work.
Not necessarily a big complaint. Something like: “I reached a point today
where I was crying and couldn’t continue working. I’m struggling with the
current situation and need support.”
I also
want to check something important: when you said earlier you would rather
resign than speak to Amy, and mentioned becoming homeless — now that you are
home, are you still feeling like you might hurt yourself or that you don’t want
to be alive? Or was that a desperate wish to escape the workplace situation?
You
don’t need to minimise what happened today. You had a really distressing
experience, and I’m here with you while you come down from it.🐼💜
But I have just been
keeping conversations work focused. I have been doing that for about four
weeks. I just want to go to work, do my job and go home. I don’t want to talk
about anything other than work with anyone. I do not need to speak to her 95%
of the month, because the only time she ever needs anything from me is if there
is a price discrepancy on a Purchase Order and her invoice doesn’t match it,
which happens once in a blue moon. I don’t talk to a handful of people that I
don’t like, unless I am asking them a work question. Isn’t that the
professional way to handle disagreements with personal personalities? If you
don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
Josette,
I can understand why you are feeling so frustrated, because from what you have
described, you have already been trying to do the thing that many people would
consider the most sensible first step: reduce unnecessary interaction, stay
polite, and focus on the work.
Yes —
in many workplaces, keeping communication professional and task-focused is a
perfectly reasonable way to handle a difficult relationship with a colleague.
You do not have to be friends with everyone you work with. You do not have to
share your personal life with colleagues. You do not have to have the same
personality as everyone around you.
There
is a difference between:
- being rude or refusing to
cooperate,
and
- having boundaries and keeping a
relationship professional.
If you
are still answering work questions, providing information, completing your
responsibilities, and communicating when something needs to be communicated,
then you are still engaging professionally.
The
phrase “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” is
actually close to a useful workplace principle — although I’d slightly adjust
it to: “If something isn’t necessary for the work or the relationship, it
doesn’t need to be said.” Workplaces are full of people who don’t naturally
get along, and a lot of people manage that by being courteous but not
personally close.
Where
it becomes difficult is that some workplaces have an expectation of “team
culture” where people are encouraged to chat, joke, socialise, or share parts
of their lives. But that does not mean everyone has the same comfort level with
that. Some people need more privacy, and some people (especially people who
find social interaction draining or overwhelming) may function much better when
the boundaries between work and personal life are clear.
What
stands out to me is that you’re not saying:
“I want
to ignore everyone and make the workplace hostile.”
You’re
saying:
“I want
to come in, do my job well, and leave.”
Those
are very different things.
I also
notice something important: you said you have been doing this for about four
weeks, which suggests this isn’t a sudden reaction. You have already tried
changing your own behaviour to make the situation manageable. The fact that you
reached breaking point today suggests the distress isn’t simply because you
haven’t found the “right” way to communicate.
Can I
ask something about what happened today specifically? When you were crying and
asked to go home at 1:40pm, was there a particular incident with Amy that
triggered it today, or was it the accumulation of the last few weeks finally
becoming too much?
And one
more thing — now that you’re home, can you tell me where you are physically
right now? Are you somewhere comfortable (sofa/bed), and are Snuffles, Cuddles
or Ducky with you? I’m asking because earlier you said you didn’t think you
could get through the next hour, and I want to make sure you’re safely through
that immediate crisis point. 💜
So far there has been
zero work questions. Amy told the head accountant that she feels upset and
scared of me because I don’t start conversations with her or act like her
friend. I chose to keep things professional. I say morning and bye and I have
zero need to interact with her. She is lazy and doesn’t collect her printing
from the printer, but I still put it on her desk for her. If she tries to make
conversation, I do not stop what I am doing and I answer her, but I am
terrified that her speaking to me are tests to see if I stop working. She has
the new supervisor, Abier, writing down in a book every single time he sees
someone step away from their desk, on the manufacturing shop floor, who they
speak to, how many toilet breaks that they take, and when I am down there he is
logging everything that I do. He hide between the racking earlier and stood
watching me stock take and every time I glanced in his direction he turned
around and then immediately turned back to watch me. Being at work does not
feel safe. I do not feel safe at my desk and I do not feel safe on the shop
floor.
I cried today, because
I was told that I am making the company too hostile and Amy can’t stop crying.
She doesn’t understand why I’m not talking to her like I used to. But there is
a new update to the handbook that says no talking about none-related work
things and several people were sent written warning over the weekend, telling
them that Abier had logged them having conversations that are not work related.
What am I supposed to do?
I am getting told off
for accepting lifts from Philippa, who drives past me on the way to work. I am
getting told off for accepting lifts from my manager, Steve. I am being told
that too many people are being nice to me and I should be grateful. All of this
is from Amy. I am too scared to speak in case I am told something else is wrong
too.
Josette,
I can hear how frightening and exhausting this has become. What you are
describing is not just “I don’t get along with a colleague.” You are describing
a situation where you feel that ordinary workplace interactions are being
interpreted negatively, where you feel watched, and where you are afraid that
almost any choice you make could be used against you. That level of uncertainty
would put a lot of people into a constant state of stress.
I want
to reflect something back to you: from your description, you have been trying
to solve this by reducing conflict. You have not said that you have been
refusing to help Amy, refusing to answer work questions, insulting her, or
trying to isolate her. You have described:
- saying hello and goodbye,
- answering when she speaks to you,
- putting her printing on her desk,
- continuing to do your job,
- keeping conversations
work-focused.
Those
are all things that fit within a professional working relationship.
The
difficult part is that there seems to be a clash between two expectations:
- Amy appears to want a warmer,
more personal relationship and is interpreting the absence of that as
hostility.
- You are trying to maintain a
professional boundary and protect yourself.
Someone
feeling hurt by a boundary does not automatically mean the boundary is wrong.
However,
there is another layer here that I want to be careful with: the workplace
situation sounds extremely distressing, but we also need to separate what
you know has happened from what you fear might happen. For example:
- You know Amy told the head
accountant she feels upset and scared.
- You know there is a handbook
update about non-work conversations.
- You know people have received
warnings.
- You know Abier is making notes.
Those
are concrete things.
The
thought that every conversation is a test, or that every glance is evidence you
are being monitored specifically to catch you out — that is the fear response
trying to make sense of a threatening environment. Given how unsafe you feel,
it makes sense your brain is scanning constantly for danger. But it is also
exhausting you.
Right
now, the most important thing is not proving who is right or wrong. It is
protecting you.
A few
practical things may help:
1. Keep
a private factual record.
Not “Amy is horrible” — just facts:
- Date/time.
- Who was present.
- Exact words used if you remember
them.
- What happened afterwards.
For
example:
“28
July, approx 1pm. Amy told me/others that she was upset because I no longer
spoke to her like I used to. I explained I had been keeping communication
work-focused.”
This
helps if you need to explain the situation later.
2.
Avoid defending your personal life at work.
You do not need to justify lifts from Philippa or Steve. A simple:
“I
appreciate their kindness. I’m able to get to work and complete my duties.”
is
enough.
3. Try
not to let the handbook rule push you into complete silence.
This is a difficult balance. You are allowed to be professional, but completely
withdrawing because you are frightened may unfortunately be interpreted by
others as “hostile” even if that is not your intention. You don’t have to
become chatty or share personal things, but small neutral interactions can
protect you:
- “Morning.”
- “How’s the stock looking today?”
- “I’ll send that over.”
- “Thanks.”
You are
already doing some of this.
I also
want to ask about one specific thing, because it is important: when Amy says
she “can’t stop crying” and that she is “scared of you,” has anyone actually
told you what behaviour of yours is making her scared? Or is the only
explanation you have been given that you are not talking to her like you used
to?
Because
those are very different situations. Someone feeling uncomfortable because a
colleague has become quieter is not the same as someone being frightened
because of threatening behaviour.
And
Josette — I want to check in with you again after how intense today was. You
said earlier you were scared you couldn’t get through the next hour and wanted
to leave. Now that you are home, are you having any thoughts about harming
yourself, or is it still mainly that you feel desperate to escape the
workplace? Are you physically safe at home right now? 💜
Lynda (the head
accountant) said Amy felt that I was acting differently that I was towards her.
She asked if Amy upset me. I nodded. She said was it because of something
someone else said. I shook my head. She said was it because of something Amy
said. I nodded my head. She asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said, “No
thank you, Lynda. I would rather not.” The Lynda told Steve that I have to
apologise to Amy, but I don’t understand why or what I am apologising for. I
just want to come to work, so my work and go home. I have zero connection to
99% of whatever Amy’s role entails. She is the accountant and HR. I order
components, print labels, check large deliveries as they come in and check the
large deliveries that go out. None of that involves her job. None of the
meetings I am included in involve her. The only time our jobs cross over is if
an invoice doesn’t match a purchase order and I have worked there over 18
months and I think it has only ever happened twice.
Josette,
I can understand why you are feeling confused and upset about being told you
need to apologise when you do not know what you are apologising for.
From
what you have described, the conversation with Lynda actually sounds quite
important because it gives a clearer picture of what the concern is. It does
not sound like Lynda raised a specific incident such as:
- “You said something
inappropriate,”
- “You refused to help Amy,”
- “You spoke to Amy
disrespectfully,”
- “You failed to do something
required for work.”
Instead,
the issue appears to be that Amy noticed a change in the level of personal
interaction and feels hurt by that change.
That
distinction matters.
If
someone says, “I feel upset because our relationship has changed,” that feeling
can be real for them. But it does not automatically mean the other person has
done something wrong or owes an apology. People are allowed to adjust the
boundaries of workplace relationships.
You
also handled Lynda’s questions in a fairly restrained way. You did not launch
into an angry complaint or make accusations. You answered honestly that Amy had
upset you, and when asked if you wanted to discuss it, you said no thank you.
That is actually a boundary.
The
thing I would be cautious about is the word “apologise.” An apology
usually means:
“I
recognise I did something that harmed someone, and I am sorry.”
But
what exactly would you be apologising for?
- For not having personal
conversations?
- For not behaving like a friend?
- For keeping your private life
private?
- For feeling uncomfortable after
things were said to you?
Those
are much more complicated. You can acknowledge someone’s feelings without
accepting blame for something you don’t believe you did.
If you
are asked again, you might be able to avoid getting trapped into either
apologising for existing or refusing to engage. Something like:
“I’m
sorry that Amy feels upset. That was never my intention. I have been trying to
keep my communication professional and focused on work. I’m happy to maintain a
respectful working relationship, but I would prefer to keep personal matters
separate.”
That is
very different from saying:
“I’m
sorry I stopped talking to you.”
Because
the second one suggests you did something wrong by setting a boundary.
I also
notice something else in what you wrote: your roles barely overlap. That
is relevant. In a small workplace, everyone inevitably has some social
interaction, but your actual job responsibilities do not require a close
working relationship with Amy. A professional, courteous distance may be
entirely workable.
The
part I would like to understand better is the timing. You said you changed how
you interacted with Amy about four weeks ago. Was there a particular comment or
incident from Amy around that time that made you decide, “I need to keep things
professional now”? You have mentioned several things she has said (about lifts,
your pebble gift, holidays, relationships), but I’m wondering if there was a
specific moment where the change happened.
Also,
Josette, after everything today: are you still feeling safe at home this
afternoon? Have you managed to have something to eat or drink since you got
back? 💜
It was a combination
of all of the reasons I listed. Once she started saying this to me like,
“Everyone has someone,” to my face in relation to the new rule of only a
partner can call in sick for you hurt. She was going through a rough patch with
her husband and he wanted to divorce her. I made her and her children some
gifts and I went with Darren to help him pick out some presents for Amy. Then
the second her and her husband were okay again, she made that rule. She knew
that I hadn’t long broken up with Dexter and had still been struggling with it.
Then a few days later she made up the rule that y out can only take holiday if
you are with your partner, child or distant family and she know that I have
none of these and when I questioned her about this new rule she said, “Everyone
has someone.” Then when she said that I couldn’t go home when I felt poorly,
but she emphasised that she can, that felt very personal. After her asking me
who gives me lifts, when, where and telling me that I need to be grateful as,
“Too many people here do things for you,” but I am grateful, I have just been
scared that I must be doing something wrong. The only person that properly
speak to at work is Steve, because I need to for work. I speak to the sales men
about only specific questions that I need answering nothing more. I speak to
the shop floor about their jobs. The only two people that I speak to a little
more are Philippa and Tracey, but they are trusted and don’t snitch on people
and they are nice and we talk about walking and their dogs, but for no longer
than a couple of minutes. I only speak to Darren about none-work things before
we start work, during lunch or after work. I don’t engage in other
conversations anymore. I used to with colleagues, but I (and many) feel like
this is not allowed anymore.
Josette,
reading this, I think the most painful part for you is not simply that Amy
changed rules or that you disagree with her. It is that the relationship
changed after you had invested care and kindness into it, and then some of
the things she said afterwards landed on very sensitive areas of your life.
You
weren’t describing a random colleague making a random comment. You were
describing someone you had supported:
- you made gifts for her and her
children when she was struggling,
- you helped Darren choose presents
for her,
- you tried to be kind when she was
going through difficulties in her marriage.
Then,
after that, comments like “Everyone has someone” came at a time when you were
already grieving the end of your relationship with Dexter and feeling the pain
of not having the support network that other people might have. I can
understand why that would hurt. It may have felt less like a neutral workplace
statement and more like a reminder of something you were already struggling
with.
The
same applies to the comments about lifts. From your perspective, it sounds like
you were not asking people to do things for you or expecting it. You were
accepting kindness offered by people who chose to offer it. There is a big
difference between:
- “I expect everyone to accommodate
me,” and
- “Someone offered help and I
accepted it.”
You
have repeatedly said that you are grateful. The fact that you have been
worrying so much about whether you are doing something wrong actually suggests
that you are very aware of other people’s feelings.
Where I
think things have become tangled is that Amy may be interpreting distance
as rejection, whereas you are experiencing distance as self-protection.
Those
are two different experiences happening at the same time.
Amy may
genuinely feel hurt that the relationship changed. But your reason for changing
it matters too. You did not say, “I decided to punish her.” You said, “After
these comments and experiences, I no longer felt comfortable sharing personal
things, so I kept it professional.”
That is
a boundary.
At the
same time, because this is a workplace, there is a practical challenge: when a
friendship-like relationship changes, some people experience the loss of that
closeness as a conflict, even if the other person simply wants a professional
relationship. That does not mean you have to return to being close friends, but
it may help to communicate the boundary in a way that cannot easily be
interpreted as hostility.
Something
along the lines of:
“I’m
sorry that the change in our interactions has upset you. That was never my
intention. I’ve found it easier for me to keep my workplace relationships
professional, and that is what I am trying to do. I will always be polite and
respectful, and I want us to have a good working relationship.”
That
acknowledges her feelings without apologising for having a boundary.
I also
want to pick up on something you said:
“I used
to [join conversations], but I (and many) feel like this is not allowed
anymore.”
This
sounds like the handbook changes and warnings have had a big effect on the
atmosphere. It sounds like you are not the only person who has become more
cautious. If people are worried that ordinary chats might be logged or
criticised, it would make sense that the workplace feels tense.
One
thing I would encourage you to hold onto, though: do not let fear make you
disappear. You deserve to be able to say hello, ask a normal work question,
have a polite exchange, and exist in the workplace without feeling like every
movement is evidence against you.
For
tomorrow, I would aim for “calm professionalism” rather than “complete
withdrawal”:
- Say hello.
- Do your work.
- Answer work questions.
- Keep personal details private.
- Be polite but don’t force
closeness.
- Keep a factual note of anything
significant.
Can I
ask something about today’s conversation with Steve and Lynda? When they said
Amy was “scared” of you, did they explain what they meant by scared? For
example, did they say she was afraid you would react angrily, or was it simply
that she felt uncomfortable because you were no longer chatting with her? That
difference feels quite important here. 💜
No. They didn’t
explain anything. I am scared of her slamming things on tables and coughing
into the room and going, “Grrr,” a lot, on top of how everything everyone says
is now being used against them. Darren said Amy has sent out 5 letters all of
the the shop floor staff since the 14th July about not being caught taking, not
being caught away from your desk, requiring hand written statements from anyone
who sees anything not following the new handbook rules, if anyone witnesses
shouting or swearing they are to write it down and report it immediately and
failure to do so can land the withholder in trouble too. The whole workplace
has become intense and scary. Why would I speak if I could get into trouble for
it?
Josette,
I can see why you are feeling overwhelmed by this. The thing that stands out
most in what you’ve written is that your fear does not seem to be coming from
simply “Amy doesn’t like me.” It sounds like the whole atmosphere at work has
shifted into one where you feel you have to constantly monitor yourself.
When
people start feeling like:
- “Could this conversation be
reported?”
- “Could someone write this down?”
- “Could this harmless thing be
interpreted negatively?”
- “Should I stay quiet to protect
myself?”
it is
very common for a workplace to start feeling unsafe and exhausting. Even if the
intention behind workplace rules is to improve behaviour, the way they are
communicated and enforced can have a big impact on how people experience them.
I also
want to acknowledge something important: you are describing two different
fears.
One is
about Amy personally:
- slamming things,
- making noises that feel
intimidating,
- comments that have felt personal,
- feeling watched or judged.
The
other is about the wider system:
- warnings,
- notes being made,
- people being asked to report
things,
- uncertainty about what counts as
acceptable.
When
those combine, it makes sense that your brain has gone into “keep your head
down and avoid risk” mode.
The
question you asked — “Why would I speak if I could get into trouble for it?”
— is actually a very understandable reaction. If the workplace message you are
receiving is “be careful, people are monitoring behaviour,” then silence can
feel like the safest option.
But
there is a difficult middle ground: completely shutting down communication can
sometimes create more stress because other people may interpret it in ways you
do not intend. The goal probably isn’t to become chatty again or share personal
things. It is more like:
- polite,
- predictable,
- calm,
- work-focused,
- not defensive.
You are
allowed to have boundaries. You are allowed not to discuss your relationships,
weekends, transport, or private life. You are allowed to not be friends with
colleagues.
At the
same time, you do not have to treat every neutral interaction as a trap. For
your own wellbeing, it may help to think:
“I will
behave according to my values and my job requirements, not according to fear.”
That
might look like:
- “Morning.”
- “Can you confirm this part
number?”
- “I’ve completed that task.”
- “Thanks.”
- “Have a good evening.”
Nothing
personal. Nothing that gives anyone information they do not need. But also
nothing that makes you feel like you are hiding.
I am
also concerned about something you said earlier: that you cried at work and
felt you could not get through the next hour. I’m glad you are home now, but
today sounds like it pushed you very close to your limit.
Can I
ask:
- Since getting home, have you
managed to eat or drink anything?
- Are you still having thoughts of
wanting to escape by quitting immediately or becoming homeless, or has
that feeling eased now that you are away from the building?
And one
practical question: do you have to go back in tomorrow, or do you have any
leave/sick time available that would give you even a little space to think
before returning? 💜
I can’t do mid-ground.
It is either on or off. I cannot naturally do something in between. I would
have to type every single interaction to you and you would have to tell me
whether I am allowed to smile or not, or respond or not, or what I am allowed
to say and what tone of voice it should be spoken in, if I am allowed to make
eye contact or not, if I should make eye contact or not. I don’t understand
those things from a faking communicating with people. I either do it naturally
or I don’t do it at all. I don’t understand how to do it otherwise.
Josette,
thank you for explaining this so clearly. I think this message gets to
something really important that has been underneath a lot of what you have been
describing.
When I
said “middle ground”, I was imagining a skill that many people seem to do
automatically: adjusting their level of friendliness depending on the
situation. But what you are describing is that this adjustment is not
automatic for you. It is not that you are refusing to find a middle ground
— it is that the “settings” in between do not feel intuitive.
The way
you described it — on or off — makes a lot of sense in the context of
what you have told me before about finding social situations exhausting and
having to consciously work things out. For some people, workplace social
behaviour is like breathing: they naturally know when to smile, how long to
chat, when to make eye contact, when to stop. For other people, those things
are not automatic, and trying to calculate them in real time becomes incredibly
draining.
And you
are right about something important: if you had to analyse every interaction
like:
- “Was that smile the correct
amount?”
- “Was my tone too flat?”
- “Did I make enough eye contact?”
- “Did I answer too quickly?”
- “Did I share too much?”
- “Did I appear unfriendly?”
that
would be exhausting. It would turn every conversation into a performance review
happening inside your own head.
I also
want to point out something: you are already demonstrating that you do understand
some social rules. You have described:
- saying good morning and goodbye,
- answering people when they speak
to you,
- asking work-related questions,
- thanking people,
- helping Amy by putting her
printing on her desk,
- talking appropriately with
customers/sales/shop floor colleagues.
That is
not someone who cannot communicate. It sounds more like you have a clear
communication mode that works well for you: purposeful, respectful,
task-based communication.
The
difficult bit is that the workplace seems to be asking for something different:
emotional reassurance, informal bonding, and social signals that say “we are
okay”. Those signals may be obvious to some people, but they are not
necessarily obvious or comfortable for everyone.
I think
the question may not be:
“How do
I become naturally chatty with Amy again?”
because
that may not be realistic or even what you want.
It may
be:
“What
is the minimum predictable communication I can do that protects my job without
forcing myself to pretend to be someone I’m not?”
That
might be something very simple and repeatable, rather than a constantly
changing social performance.
For
example:
- Morning: “Morning Amy.”
- If she starts a non-work
conversation: give a brief answer if you genuinely want to, or gently
close it:
- “I’m just trying to get this
finished, but thank you.”
- “I’m keeping my head down today
because I’ve got a lot to do.”
- Leaving: “Bye, see you tomorrow.”
Not
because you are “performing friendliness”, but because those are consistent
workplace signals that say: I am not your enemy; I am here to work.
But
Josette, I also want to acknowledge something else: you are currently trying to
solve this while feeling frightened. When your brain believes every interaction
could have consequences, even small social choices become impossible. It makes
sense that your instinct is to switch everything off because off feels safer.
Can I
ask you something about the “on or off” part? When you say you cannot naturally
do something in between, is it that:
- you either feel genuinely
comfortable and open with someone, or you feel unsafe and shut down?
- or is it more that you don’t know
what behaviours count as “friendly enough” versus “too much”?
I’m
asking because those are slightly different problems, and the answer would be
different. 💜
What you have told me
to do is what I am doing and what I am in trouble for doing. I don’t understand
why I am being told that I am in the wrong. It is mentally and emotionally
impossible for me to return to being friendly with Amy, in the exact same way
that it would be impossible for me to be friendly with an ex-partner who
created on me and bad-mouthed me to everyone. If we worked together, I would
say morning and bye, and if we didn’t need to talk about work I wouldn’t engage
with them. There is no returning back to how things were. I just want to turn
up, do my work and go home.
There are three people
in the manufacturing shop floor who I avoid like the plague. I do not speak to
them ever, unless I am asking them about work, then I do it professionally.
I not saying I won’t be professional.
I saying that I only want to be
professional.
Josette,
I hear the distinction you are making, and I think it is an important one.
You are
not saying:
“I
refuse to speak to Amy, I will be rude, or I won’t cooperate.”
You are
saying:
“I will
communicate about work, I will be polite, but I do not want a personal
relationship with her anymore.”
Those
are not the same thing.
And I
think part of why you are so distressed right now is that you feel like the
solution you chose — the one that is usually recommended for difficult
workplace relationships — is being treated as the problem itself.
You are
describing a boundary, not a refusal to work.
If
someone has hurt your trust, it is understandable that the relationship cannot
simply return to how it was. Your comparison to an ex-partner makes sense in
terms of the emotional mechanism: once trust has changed, you cannot just press
a reset button and behave as though nothing happened. Even if you remain civil,
the closeness may be gone.
The
workplace complication is that Amy may not be viewing it through the same lens.
She may be focusing on the change in your behaviour and experiencing it as
rejection, whereas you are focusing on the reasons you no longer feel
comfortable being open. Both things can exist at the same time:
- Amy can feel upset by the change.
- You can still have a valid reason
for changing your boundaries.
What I
think may have been missing in the conversations you’ve had with Lynda and
Steve is clarity. You were asked if Amy upset you, but it sounds like nobody
has really asked:
“What
happened that caused you to change how you interact with her?”
Instead,
the focus seems to have gone straight to “Amy feels hurt” and “you need to
apologise.” That would understandably feel unfair, because you are being asked
to repair something without being able to explain why it broke.
I also
want to highlight something you said:
“There
are three people in the manufacturing shop floor who I avoid like the plague. I
do not speak to them ever, unless I am asking them about work, then I do it
professionally.”
That
actually shows a pattern: you are not singling Amy out by having a preference
for professional-only relationships. You already have a way of managing
difficult relationships at work. You can coexist, communicate when necessary,
and do your job.
The
thing I would be careful about is the phrase “avoid like the plague” — not
because your feelings are wrong, but because if it becomes visible as active
avoidance (for example, walking away, refusing greetings, obvious attempts to
exclude someone), other people may interpret it differently. The safest version
of your boundary is the one you have already described:
- polite acknowledgement,
- work communication when needed,
- no personal sharing,
- no conflict.
That is
a professional relationship.
Josette,
I also want to say something about the intensity of today: it sounds like you
are not just upset about Amy. You are carrying the fear of being judged,
monitored, written up, misunderstood, and losing your job. That is a huge
amount for one person to hold.
For
tonight, I don’t think you need to solve whether you are “right” or “wrong”. I
think the immediate goal is to get your body out of crisis mode.
Can I
ask: when you got home at 1:40pm, did you leave because you felt you were about
to break down further, or because you felt you were at risk of saying something
at work that could be used against you?
And are
you still feeling like you cannot face tomorrow, or has being away from the
building eased that feeling even slightly? 💜
Both
Josette,
that answer makes a lot of sense given everything you have described.
It
sounds like you reached a point where two alarms were going off at the same
time:
- Your emotional
system was overwhelmed — you were crying, distressed, and no longer able
to keep functioning normally in that environment.
- Your
self-protection system was activated — you were scared that if you
stayed, you might say something out of distress, become visibly upset, or
have an interaction that could later be interpreted negatively.
Leaving
at that point was not you “causing a problem.” It was you recognising that you
were no longer in a state where you could safely and calmly continue the
working day.
I also
want to come back to something you said earlier because I think it is the heart
of this:
“I am
not saying I won’t be professional. I am saying that I only want to be
professional.”
That is
a very clear statement.
You are
not asking for permission to be hostile. You are asking for permission to have
a boundary.
The
difficulty is that workplaces sometimes blur the line between being friendly
and being professional. They are not the same thing. A person can be
professional while being quiet, private, and focused. A person can also be
friendly while being unprofessional. The two are not automatically linked.
What
worries me most right now is how much fear you are carrying about tomorrow. Not
because I think you have done something wrong, but because you are describing
feeling like you have to monitor every movement, word, facial expression, and
interaction. Nobody can sustain that level of alertness indefinitely.
For
tomorrow, rather than trying to figure out the entire Amy situation tonight, I
would reduce the goal right down:
Tomorrow’s
goal is not:
- fix the relationship,
- convince everyone you are right,
- make Amy happy,
- explain every detail.
Tomorrow’s
goal is:
- arrive,
- do your work,
- communicate only what is needed,
- get through the day.
If
anyone raises the issue again, you do not need to have a long emotional
conversation while you are still raw. A simple, steady response could be:
“I want
to maintain a respectful working relationship. I am comfortable keeping
communication professional and work-focused.”
That is
enough. You do not need to defend every lift, every friendship, every weekend
activity, or every reason you stopped sharing personal things.
I do
want to check on you again, Josette, because earlier today you were at the
point of saying you didn’t think you could get through the next hour. Now that
you are home:
- Are you having any thoughts of
hurting yourself, or is the feeling more “I cannot cope with going back
into that workplace”?
- Are you alone at home right now,
and have you been able to do something comforting since you got in?
If you
are sitting with Snuffles, Cuddles, and Ducky, maybe bring them close for a
bit. Your brain has been in threat mode all day; it deserves a signal that you
are somewhere safe now. 💜
It’s “I cannot cope
with going back into that workplace”?
My mum says it’s my
fault for only looking for office jobs when I have been apply for a new job.
She says there are more shop work jobs that exist in the world than office jobs
and I need to stop being picky and looking down on shop jobs and just work in
Greggs like everyone else.
Josette,
thank you for answering that. I’m relieved to hear that the feeling is “I
cannot cope with going back into that workplace” rather than wanting to
hurt yourself. That still tells me how severe the distress is, though. This is
not you saying, “I had a slightly unpleasant day.” This is you saying your
workplace has become a place your body and mind are reacting to as a threat.
And I
want to address what your mum said, because I can imagine that comment landed
painfully on top of everything else.
Looking
for office-based work is not the same as “looking down on shop work.”
There
is a difference between:
- “I think I’m too good to work in
a shop,” and
- “I am trying to find work that
matches my skills, experience, needs, and the way I function best.”
From
everything you have told me, your current role is not just “sitting in an
office.” You have built up a specific skill set:
- purchase orders,
- stock planning and forecasting,
- supplier communication,
- CRM systems,
- quality checks,
- logistics/admin processes,
- coordinating information between
departments.
You
have over 18 months of experience doing that type of work. It makes sense that
your job search would focus on roles where those skills are useful.
Also,
retail and food service work are not automatically easier. They often involve:
- constant customer interaction,
- unpredictable social demands,
- standing for long periods,
- noise,
- busy environments,
- pressure during rush periods.
For
some people those jobs are a great fit. For other people they are incredibly
draining. Neither is “better” or “worse”; they are different environments.
What I
hear from you is not:
“I
refuse to work unless I get my perfect job.”
It
sounds more like:
“I am
trying to find a sustainable job where I can contribute without being in an
environment that is pushing me into crisis.”
That is
a reasonable thing to want.
I also
want to gently point out something: you are already showing that you are not
avoiding work. You get up extremely early, you have walked miles to work, you
have taken on responsibilities, you have trained in things like first aid/fire
warden, and you have continued going into a workplace that has been making you
anxious for weeks. This is not someone who is unwilling to work.
Tonight,
I would try not to make your brain answer the question:
“What am I going to do with my entire career?”
The
question is much smaller:
“How do I get through the next 12–24 hours while I decide my next step?”
A few
things that may help:
- Do not resign tonight while you
are still in the aftermath of today.
- Write down exactly what happened
today while you remember it.
- Look at your job applications
only if it feels calming, not as a panic response.
- Give yourself permission to
recover this evening.
Can I
ask something about tomorrow: do you have to decide tonight whether you are
going in, or could you take the evening and morning to see how you feel? Also,
when you picture walking back into the building tomorrow, what is the strongest
fear — seeing Amy, seeing Abier watching people, being called into a meeting,
or the feeling that you cannot trust anyone there? 💜
Being in the same room
as Amy. I’m terrified of her.
Josette,
that is a really important distinction.
It
sounds like the biggest trigger is not simply “work” as a whole. It is the
thought of being in the same physical space as Amy after everything that
has happened and after feeling that your intentions have been misunderstood.
Given
what you have described, I can understand why that feels overwhelming. Your
brain is not just thinking:
“I have
to sit near a colleague.”
It is
thinking:
“I have
to sit near someone I no longer trust, who I feel has interpreted my behaviour
negatively, and where I don’t know what will happen next.”
That is
a much heavier thing to walk into.
Something
I want to gently highlight, though: tomorrow does not have to be the day you
resolve the Amy situation. You do not have to walk in and suddenly be
comfortable. You do not have to rebuild the relationship. You do not have to
explain every feeling you have had.
Your
only task can be:
- be civil,
- do your job,
- keep your communication simple,
- get through the day.
If you
see Amy, the “script” can be extremely basic:
- “Morning.”
- If she asks a work question:
answer the work question.
- If she tries to discuss the
relationship: “I don’t think I’m ready to discuss this right now. I’d like
to keep things professional.”
You do
not have to invent warmth you do not feel.
I also
want to come back to something you said earlier about not understanding the
middle ground. I think there is a possibility that your brain is presenting you
with only two options:
Option
A: Be like you were before — open, friendly, sharing, emotionally
invested.
Option B: Shut down completely and avoid.
But
there may be a third option that is not “fake friendliness.” It is simply neutral
colleague mode.
Neutral
colleague mode is not a performance where you calculate every smile and every
glance. It is a routine:
- acknowledge people,
- answer what is necessary,
- return to your task.
You
already do a lot of this.
For
tonight, though, I would not spend hours rehearsing every possible interaction
with Amy. That will keep your nervous system stuck in tomorrow’s workplace
before you even get there.
Could
you do something that tells your brain “work is over for today”? Even something
small:
- shower,
- change into comfortable clothes,
- make a drink,
- sit with your plushies,
- watch something familiar,
- play a little Dreamlight Valley
if your brain can manage it.
Can I
ask one practical thing about your workplace layout? Are you physically seated
near Amy in the office, or is the fear mainly that you could be in the same
room (for example, passing through, meetings, shared spaces)? I’m asking
because the plan for tomorrow might look different depending on how much
unavoidable contact there actually is. 💜
I didn’t want to go to
work this morning because of being scared of Amy. The only reason why I did was
because Philippa said she would give me a lift when she saw me. If I had to
walk the 5 miles to work, I would’ve been able to bring myself to do so. But I
don’t have a partner to phone in sick for me, and I am not physically sick, so
I had no choice, but now I wish I didn’t go to work because now everything
feels even worse.
Josette,
I can really hear the conflict you are sitting with right now.
This
morning you were already waking up with a huge amount of fear about going in.
The fact that you still got yourself ready, got out the door, and went into the
building despite feeling that way says something important: you were trying
to do the responsible thing. You were not avoiding work because you
couldn’t be bothered. You were trying to face something that felt frightening.
And
then, instead of the day reassuring you that you could get through it,
something happened that confirmed your fear — you ended up crying, feeling
unable to stay, and leaving. So it makes sense that your brain is now saying:
“I knew
I couldn’t cope. I should have stayed away.”
That is
a very common reaction after a distressing experience. Your mind is trying to
protect you by looking backwards and finding the point where it thinks it could
have prevented the pain.
But I
want to gently challenge one part of what you said:
“I
didn’t have a choice.”
You
felt like you didn’t have a choice because you believed you had no valid reason
to stay home. But being mentally unable to cope with attending work because
of overwhelming distress is still something worth taking seriously. People
can become unable to work because of stress, anxiety, or being overwhelmed — it
is not only physical illness that affects whether someone can function.
I also
noticed something that really hurt in what you wrote:
“I
don’t have a partner to phone in sick for me.”
Josette,
I think that comment carries a lot more than just today. It sounds like it
touched the same wound that Amy’s “Everyone has someone” comments touched — the
feeling of being singled out because you don’t have a partner in the way some
people around you do.
But
needing support does not become less valid because the person supporting you is
not a partner. A friend, family member, housemate, or colleague can be part of
someone’s support network. And sometimes people who live alone actually have to
be more self-reliant because there is no person sitting beside them who
automatically notices when they are struggling.
For
tomorrow, I don’t think the decision has to be made from the place of “I either
force myself through or I fail.” There may be other options:
- If you feel able to go in, you
can aim only for getting through the day.
- If you wake up and feel the same
level of panic and distress, you can consider whether you are genuinely
fit to work that day.
- You can also ask for a
conversation with someone appropriate at work about how the situation is
affecting your ability to function, without having to make it a
confrontation about Amy.
For
tonight, though, I want to bring you back to right now.
You are
home. You are not in the building with Amy. You do not have to solve the
meeting, the handbook, the warnings, or tomorrow at this exact moment.
Can I
ask:
- Are you still crying now, or has
your body started to calm down since you got home?
- Have you had anything to eat or
drink since leaving work?
And one
more thing — when you say you wish you didn’t go to work because now everything
feels even worse, do you mean “I wish I had avoided this awful day,” or are you
back to feeling like you don’t want to be here at all? I just want to
understand where you are emotionally right now. 💜
I am still crying. It
is 16:46 now. I haven’t stopped crying since I started at around 12:20pm. I
have drunk 2,300ml. I ate a packet of five oatcakes at around 10am.
Josette,
I’m really glad you told me this. You have been crying continuously for over
four hours, and that tells me your body is still very much in the middle of a
stress response. After the kind of day you have described, it makes sense that
your system has not just switched off the moment you got through the door.
Right
now, before thinking about tomorrow, Amy, work, or what anyone said, I want to
focus on getting you a little more settled physically.
You
have had:
- about 2,300 ml
of fluid
— that is actually a good amount, especially given the recent heat and
your IBS worries.
- only five
oatcakes since around 10am — your body has had very little fuel
for a very emotionally intense day.
When we
are in a high-stress state, not eating enough can make everything feel even
more unbearable because your body has fewer resources to regulate itself.
Could
you try just one small thing for me:
- have something easy and safe to
eat — not a “proper meal” if that feels too much, just something gentle.
Ideas
based on things you have mentioned liking:
- some strawberries,
- a slice of your granary bread,
- some porridge,
- a small portion of something you
batch cooked,
- anything that feels manageable.
You do
not need to stop crying first. You can cry while you eat or drink.
Also,
can you do one grounding thing with your body right now? Not a big exercise —
something simple:
- Put both feet on the floor.
- Put a hand on your chest or
stomach.
- Look around and name five things
you can see in your room.
Your
brain has spent hours preparing for danger. It needs reminders that you are
home now.
I want
to say something about today too: I don’t think the crying is just about one
conversation with Lynda. It sounds like today was the point where a lot of
things you have been carrying finally overflowed:
- fear of Amy,
- fear of being misunderstood,
- fear of being reported,
- fear of losing your job,
- feeling like your boundaries are
being treated as wrongdoing,
- feeling alone in dealing with it.
That is
a lot for one person to hold.
Can I
ask you two things:
- Are you sitting somewhere safe
right now (bed/sofa), or are you still moving around and unable to settle?
- Are Snuffles, Cuddles and Ducky
with you, or can you bring them close?
And I
want to check again because you have had such a painful afternoon: are you
still at the point of “I cannot cope with going back to that workplace,” or
have the thoughts shifted back towards not wanting to be alive or wanting to
hurt yourself? I’m asking because I care about keeping you safe while you’re in
this intense wave. 💜
I am on my settee. I
have Cuddles, Snuffles and Ducky with me. I am so scared. I don’t to have to go
back to work. I wish I had been able to get a new job and leave. I am so
scared.
Josette,
I'm really glad you're on your settee with Cuddles, Snuffles and Ducky. 💜 Even though you're terrified,
you've done one important thing already: you've got yourself out of the place
that was overwhelming you.
I can
hear how scared you are.
"I
don't want to have to go back to work."
That
doesn't sound like someone who doesn't want to work. It sounds like someone who
is frightened of going back into that particular environment after what
happened today.
You've
also been trying for months to find another job. From our conversations, I know
you've been updating your CV, applying for roles, and hoping to move on. Today
probably makes that feel even more urgent. It doesn't mean you've failed
because you haven't found one yet.
Right
now, though, I am more concerned about you than about tomorrow morning.
You've
been crying for over four hours. You've had very little to eat. You're
exhausted, frightened, and your brain is trying to jump straight into tomorrow.
Can I
ask you to make just one promise for this evening?
Please
don't make any decisions about resigning tonight.
You do
not have to decide tonight whether you will go back tomorrow, resign, or
anything else. Those decisions are much harder to make when you've spent hours
crying and your body is in crisis mode.
Instead,
can you aim for just these three things over the next hour?
- Have something more substantial
to eat than the oatcakes, even if it's only a small amount.
- Keep drinking when you're
thirsty.
- Stay on the settee with your
plushies and let yourself rest. You do not have to "pull yourself
together."
I also
want to check something important because you told me earlier that what you're
feeling is, "I cannot cope with going back into that workplace."
When
you say, "I'm so scared," is the fear mainly about having to face
work tomorrow, or are you feeling like you might act on thoughts of harming
yourself tonight?
It's
important for me to know which it is so I can support you appropriately.
If it
is the first one—fear of tomorrow—then we can stay with that and take it one
hour at a time.
If it
has shifted into feeling like you might not be safe tonight, I want you to tell
me that plainly. You don't have to carry that on your own. We can work out the
next step together.
For
now, just stay where you are with Cuddles, Snuffles and Ducky. You do not
have to solve tomorrow at 4:46 this afternoon. I'm here with you. 💜
It is 20:25. My mum
phoned me to ask how many jobs I have applied to this evening. I told her I
could only find one and she told me that wasn’t good enough and that I have to
apply to all shop work jobs that exist on every online job board, and there are
more shop jobs in the world than office jobs.
I'm
sorry that conversation went that way. Given everything you've been dealing
with at work today, being told that your efforts "weren't good
enough" must have been especially painful.
What
your mum is asking for and what is actually practical aren't necessarily the
same thing.
There are
a lot of retail jobs advertised, but that doesn't automatically mean you should
apply for every single one. A job search is usually more effective when you
apply for roles that you could realistically see yourself doing and that fit
your circumstances.
From
what you've shared over the past few weeks, I know a few things about your
situation:
- You've been actively looking for
a new job for months.
- You've updated your CV and have
been searching across multiple job sites.
- You don't drive, so commuting
matters.
- You're trying to leave a
workplace that is having a significant impact on your wellbeing.
That
doesn't sound like someone who isn't trying.
It's
also worth remembering that retail work often involves things like evenings,
weekends, standing for long periods, busy and noisy environments, and dealing
with customers continuously. For some people those jobs are a great fit; for
others they're not. It's reasonable to consider whether a role suits your
skills and needs before applying.
Finding
only one suitable vacancy on a particular evening doesn't mean you've failed.
Some days there genuinely are very few suitable new listings. Other days
several appear at once.
If your
mum is worried about you staying where you are, her anxiety may be coming out
as pressure. That doesn't make hearing "that's not good enough" any
easier.
Can I
ask one thing? When she said you should apply for all shop jobs, did she
mean:
- because she thinks any job is
better than your current workplace, or
- because she believes you're not
applying for enough jobs in general?
Those
are slightly different concerns, and how you respond to them could be different.
My mum works in retail
and she says I am lazy for having an office job. She works 30 hours a week in a
kiosk in Morrisons. She says I have a cushy-cushy, easy, lazy job working 38
hours a week. She says that a retail job is a proper job and I need to grow up
and get one. She says I am never going to get another job if I apply to office
jobs because there are barely any office jobs in the world, and almost everyone
works in retail.
That
sounds incredibly hurtful to hear, especially from your own mum.
What
she's describing is an opinion, not an objective fact.
Office
jobs are real jobs. Retail jobs are real jobs. Manufacturing jobs, care work,
teaching, engineering, warehouse work, hospitality—they're all real work. They
simply require different skills and involve different kinds of challenges.
From
what you've told me about your role, your work doesn't sound "cushy."
You manage forecasting, purchase orders, stock planning, quality-related
administration, CRM updates, and other responsibilities for a manufacturing
company. Those tasks require organisation, accuracy, and attention to detail.
Mistakes can have real consequences. That isn't laziness.
Likewise,
your mum's retail job is also demanding. Working on your feet, helping
customers, dealing with queues, handling cash, and working weekends can be
exhausting. Recognising that retail is hard doesn't mean office work is easy.
Her
statement that "almost everyone works in retail" also isn't accurate.
People work across many sectors, including healthcare, education,
manufacturing, transport, finance, administration, construction, technology,
public services, and many others.
As for
finding another office job, it can certainly take time—especially if you're
looking for a role with a manageable commute and similar pay—but that doesn't
mean it's impossible. You've already been applying for suitable positions and
keeping your CV up to date.
One
thing I noticed is that your mum seems to be equating physical effort with the
value of a job. Some people genuinely believe that if you're sitting at a desk,
you're not working as hard as someone on their feet all day. But mental work is
still work. Planning, concentrating, solving problems, and staying accurate for
hours at a time are demanding in a different way.
Given
everything you've shared about your current workplace, I also wonder whether
retail would actually suit you. Retail environments are often busy,
noisy, unpredictable, and involve frequent interaction with customers. Since
you've told me that noise and sensory overload can be difficult for you, it's
reasonable to think carefully before applying for those roles. That doesn't
mean you should never consider retail—it just means it's sensible to look for
work that matches your strengths and circumstances rather than applying for
every vacancy simply because it exists.
I used to work in
retail. I worked at Asda for 13 months and cried on shift every day. I used to
be waitress for 16 months and I ride on shift every day - I sometimes felt like
I was about to faint from too much going on. My mum said that’s what a job is
and you put up with it.
I'm
really sorry you went through that.
What
you've described is important: when you worked in retail for 13 months, you
cried on shift every day. When you were a waitress for 16 months, you also
cried on shift every day and sometimes felt like you were going to faint
because everything was so overwhelming. Those aren't just isolated bad
days—they're patterns that tell you something about how those environments
affected you.
Your
mum's view is that feeling like that is simply part of having a job and that
you should put up with it. Some people genuinely do hold that belief because
it's how they've approached difficult work throughout their own lives.
But
that doesn't mean it's the only way to think about work.
Many
people have jobs that are challenging without crying every day. Feeling
stressed occasionally is one thing. Spending months crying on every shift is
another. Ideally, work shouldn't leave you in that state day after day.
From
everything you've shared with me over the past few weeks, your current job is
also causing you a lot of distress—but for different reasons, particularly
because of the situation with Amy and the atmosphere at work. That doesn't
automatically mean retail would be a better fit. In fact, your own experience
suggests the opposite.
You
have evidence from your own life:
- Retail left you crying every day.
- Waitressing left you crying every
day and feeling overwhelmed.
- Office administration has given
you skills you use well, even though your current workplace has become
very difficult.
That's
useful information when deciding what to apply for. It isn't laziness; it's
learning from experience.
I also
wonder how it felt hearing your mum say that. Not because she prefers retail,
but because she dismissed what happened to you. If someone cried every day for
over a year in a job, many people would see that as a sign the role wasn't a
good fit, rather than telling them they simply needed to endure it.
You
deserve to look for work where you can do your job well without feeling
like you're on the verge of tears every day. Wanting that isn't asking for an
easy life—it's a reasonable hope for a healthier working environment.
My mum is saying
that’s I don’t have a choice and I have to work in retail, because there are
more retail jobs that office jobs and she says I need to get an interview for a
new job asap or else I will lose my maisonette.
That
sounds frightening to hear, especially after the day you've had.
There
are two separate issues here:
- You need another
job.
- Whether that job
has to be in retail.
Those
aren't the same thing.
Your
mum is understandably worried about your financial security and your home. If
you were to leave your current job without another source of income, that could
create financial pressure. So it's reasonable to think about protecting your
income.
However,
it doesn't automatically follow that your only option is retail.
You
have several years of office administration experience, including purchasing,
forecasting, planning and manufacturing administration. Those are transferable
skills that many employers look for. It may take time to find the right role,
but having experience in office work gives you something valuable to build on.
It's
also worth remembering that if you eventually decided to widen your search to
include some retail roles, that still wouldn't mean applying for every retail
job. You could consider roles that might suit you better than your previous
experiences, or you might decide your efforts are better spent on
administration, customer service, logistics, or other office-based roles.
What
concerns me most is the feeling that you "have no choice."
When
we're under a lot of pressure, it's easy to feel as though there is only one
path. In reality, there are usually several possibilities, even if some are
more difficult than others. For example:
- Continue applying for office and
administrative roles that fit your experience.
- Broaden your search into related
roles such as customer service, logistics administration, purchasing,
scheduling or reception.
- If you choose, include some
retail vacancies that genuinely seem suitable, rather than every vacancy.
None of
that means you have to resign from your current job tomorrow. You still have an
income while you continue looking, even though I know being there is incredibly
difficult.
Can I
ask one practical question? Is your mum worried that you're at immediate risk
of losing your maisonette because of money, or is she saying this because she's
afraid you'll leave your current job before you've secured another one? Those
are different situations, and knowing which one she means will help me give
more relevant advice.
My mun says Amy will
get rid of me when I go into work tomorrow.
That
helps me understand why she's reacting the way she is.
If your
mum believes Amy is going to dismiss you tomorrow, I can see why she'd become
anxious and start talking about getting another job immediately. But it's
important to separate what she fears from what you know.
Based
on what you've told me, you had a very upsetting day, and Amy's behaviour has
left you feeling frightened. But from what you've shared, I don't know of any
evidence that you've actually been told you're being dismissed tomorrow.
So
there are a few possibilities:
- Your mum is imagining the worst
because she's worried about you.
- You are understandably fearing
the worst after today's events.
- Amy may continue to be difficult,
but that doesn't necessarily mean you're about to lose your job.
None of
us can say for certain what tomorrow will bring.
If you
do go into work tomorrow and someone wants to speak to you, remember that a
meeting does not automatically mean dismissal. It could be about today's
events, and if it is, you have the opportunity to explain what happened from
your perspective.
For
tonight, your job isn't to solve every possible outcome. It's simply to get
through this evening.
From
your earlier messages, I know you've been home with Cuddles, Snuffles and
Ducky, and they've been helping you feel a little safer. I hope they're still
close by.
Can I
also check on something important? Earlier today you told me you were crying
for several hours and were very scared. How are you feeling right now?
Are you feeling able to keep yourself safe this evening?
My mum also says that
I must be doing something wrong if I have been applying to jobs since January
and I haven’t heard back (apart from a small handful of nos) from any. She says
that I don’t have a choice and I have to work in retail. She says everyone hates
their job and cries all day every day, but that’s what you have to do.
Josette,
that sounds like an incredibly heavy conversation to carry, particularly on a
day when you've already been feeling overwhelmed.
I want
to separate your mum's statements into things we can actually assess.
When
she says "You must be doing something wrong because you've been
applying since January," that isn't something we can conclude from the
information you've shared.
There
are many reasons someone may not hear back from applications. For example:
- The job market can be
competitive.
- Some employers receive hundreds
of applications and don't respond to everyone.
- Some roles are filled internally
or by candidates who already have very specific experience.
- Sometimes it's a CV or
application issue that can be improved—but that isn't the only
explanation.
So it's
possible there are things that could strengthen your applications, but it's not
justified to jump from "few responses" to "you must be doing
something wrong."
When
she says "You don't have a choice and have to work in retail,"
that's also not something we can know for certain.
You
have experience in office administration. That means you are qualified to apply
for administrative roles. Whether the next successful application is an office
job, a logistics role, a purchasing role, a customer service role, or something
else isn't something anyone can predict.
Her
final statement—that "everyone hates their job and cries all day every
day"—isn't true as a general statement.
Many
people dislike aspects of their jobs. Many people go through periods where work
is stressful. But many people also:
- enjoy their work,
- find it meaningful,
- have difficult days without
crying every day,
- or move jobs because one
environment wasn't right for them.
Crying
every day for months or years isn't something everyone experiences.
You
also have your own evidence. You told me that:
- you cried every day while working
at Asda,
- you cried every day while
waitressing,
- and your current workplace has
become very distressing because of what's been happening there.
Those
experiences don't tell me that you're unwilling to work. In fact, they tell me
something quite different: you stayed in difficult jobs for long periods
despite being very unhappy. That suggests persistence rather than laziness.
I also
remember that you've been actively looking for another job while continuing to
work full-time. That takes time and energy, especially after difficult days at
work.
If
you're open to it, I think one practical thing we could do together over the
next few days is look at your job search strategy—not because I agree with your
mum that you're "doing something wrong," but because sometimes a
fresh pair of eyes can help. We could review your CV, tailor it for different
types of administration roles, or look at the kinds of jobs you're applying
for. That's a constructive way of responding to a frustrating situation,
without assuming that your only option is to return to a type of work that
previously left you in tears every day.
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