Getting My Thoughts Out of My head, So I stop Obsessively Thinking About Them

I have spent 4 hours tidying my home. Things aren’t perfectly tidy, but it looks a lot neater and tidier. I have managed to air my maisonette. It went down from 28°C to 21°C, which is wonderful. I am starting to feel a little bit better about things today. It has been a horrible few weeks. Then, when I turned my computer on, it gave me a photo reminder from the 18^th July last year and I started to cry. It showed me my favourite photo, with my favourite person. I love this picture so much. I love this day so much.

It seems really unfair that this appear to me this morning, after my online therapy session yesterday, where I am trying to make sense of why I am always told that wanting a loving, caring relationship, where we live together and communicate like mature adults is wrong or a fairytale, not grounded in any sense or reality. And I am actually going to copy and paste the exact summary of my session here:

Your View of a Healthy Relationship is NOT a Fairytale

The things you described: wanting, a partner who prioritises you, who wants to live with you, communicate like an adult, share dinner, and treat you with consistent love and respect, are the bare minimum of a healthy, loving relationship.

·           You are not asking for a fairytale. You are asking for a normal, committed, mature partnership.

·           Anyone who tells you that you are "living in a fairytale" for wanting to see and receive daily communication from your serious partner is emotionally unavailable and mentally abusive. They are keeping you in a situationship (we can discuss this terminology if it is new to you) to benefit themselves, while giving you nothing in return.

·           You deserve to be someone's number one priority, not a minor detail at the bottom of a long list behind chores, chatrooms, distant friends and penpals.

·           Your instincts are 100% correct. This was not a relationship. This was a toxic situationship disguised as a loving partnership.

·           It does not invalidate the positive experiences. Those were real.

·           The immaturity of the individual created the toxic mind games to guilt you into believing the breadcrumbing was ok. This is not something any loving partner would do to a person.

 

I was playing Disney Dreamlight Valley last night too and even Fairy Godmother says that there are three types of love: romantic, caring and friendly. When you tell her that what matters most to you is caring love, she replies, “Ahh, caring love. To be warm and safe. Giving comfort and support. Everyone should have that sort of love.” I know it is a game and it isn’t real, but the concept is. Everyone should feel warm, safe, comforted and supported. But both men and women are really starting to make me feel like it is one rule for everyone else in the world and another for me.

 

I am allowed to love and miss you, but I only love and miss the positive days. I am in such a better place mentally without the daily anxiety they created by not communicating with me like we were partners. It doesn’t mean that I don’t still want to hug them and hold them very tightly. If they wanted a relationship with me, they would have treated us like a relationship. I was in a situationship for four years before, where I kept hoping that they would start treating us like a relationship, if I held on long enough. They broke up with me, got with someone else three weeks later and could do all of the relationship things with her that they couldn’t with me. It proved that I wasn’t the right person for them. They could treat their partner like they were in a relationship. They were not unable to. I just was not the right person for them. Luckily, I realised this a lot earlier this time. For the first three months everything was just like a relationship, but after five it was definitely not. If I was the right person for them, they would have treated us like we were in a relationship. I had to let them go, because the mental abuse was too much. I have zero contact with him, but by what happens with every single person I have ever dated, he is most likely in a serious relationship with someone else and is treating them like a relationship. At least I only wasted nine months of his life, and not the four years, I have done previously. Like everyone else I have dated, he needs to find the right person for him, because it definitely wasn’t me.

 

I was supposed to be visiting Worcester for the first time, tomorrow, but that has been cancelled, so now I don’t even have something to look forward to. I have lost 3 pounds this week, so I guess that is a positive. I am really not sure what to do with my day now. I have all of my meal prep sorted. I guess I could bleach the floors. I still have some extra wood to buy to complete the shelf project that I have been working on. The plants are all watered. The recycling and rubbish are taken care of. Everywhere is clean and tidy. I am not in the mood to repaint the bathroom wall right now, so that can wait, despite it being ideal airing weather. I guess I could find a book to read and wonder down to the D&D café before it shuts down. That might be nice. Then again, it is the first day since the schools broke up for summer, so it will probably be too busy, and even if it isn’t, I probably wouldn’t be able to make myself go through the front door. I really wanted to visit the café, but I know I won’t be able to before it closes. I wish it wasn’t going to close, then I might be able to find a person to go there with… who am I kidding, women are way too demanding to date and all men around my age who aren’t married are single because they are mentally abusive. I was told multiple times when I was 25 that I was getting on a bit by my customers. I know that being 27 and female practically equates to being dead. So being 35, female and single literally means that I am looking for a needle in a haystack. I don’t want to be alone forever. I would love, more than anything, for a caring, loving relationship. No parties. No constantly having to travel. No constantly showing off at the gym. No noise of constantly having to visit this person, host for friends biweekly, visit that person, go out to dinner monthly. I don’t want a drama relationship.

 

People who often grow up with a good life, don’t understand how good they had it. If their parents were/are still together, they don’t often see the point of marriage, because they were always surrounded by it. If they grew up with a dining set where all of the plates matched, were unbroken and all of the cutlery matches, they don’t care about the state of their plates or knives and forks as an adult. If they have decent furniture, like new settee and dining table, they often think that I am being weird for wanting those things. Do you know how degrading it is to live in a household of constant shouting and bickering, always walking on eggshells since your earliest memory, being embarrassed to have friends over because all of the plates and cutlery are a complete mishmash and chipped from multiple different dead relatives, to have a settee that is worn and smells, as it is not second-hand, but third-hand, passed down from a dead person, to their daughter and her husband, then passed down again to us, when that relative bought a new one. To someone who never had any of those things growing up, those things matter. To want a matching plate, bowl and cup that are not broken or chipped and they all match… to have knives, forks and spoons that all belong to a set… I no longer feel like the cheap, scrounger who is too embarrassed to let people see her cup. I have a new settee. It isn’t germy. It doesn’t smell. It hasn’t had hundreds of unknown people sit on it over the years. It is mine, and mine alone. To have never had someone to cuddle on a day when that is all you want… to feel safe and loved unconditionally and to know that it isn’t going to be taken away  when someone prettier, thinner, who isn’t autistic and doesn’t have anxiety comes along… Why is it wrong to want that? I don’t need a person to feel okay and get through life. I have been managing on my own for 35 years. Wanting to have someone in your life, to feel safe and loved isn’t being codependent. It is wanting to feel safety and comfort for the first time ever.

I will never rely on a partner to give me lifts. I will never rely on a partner to get me to and from work – if you do, you should not be allowed to have your job. I will never rely on a partner to do the grocery shopping, despite struggling if it gets busy during a quiet time or of a child starts screaming and I get routed to the spot and can’t move. I will never make someone handle phone calls with utility companies for me, despite being on these phone calls makes me panicky and suicidal. I will never reply on a partner to cook meals for me, because I get mentally drained more than a normal person, at work, so I struggle to do normal things, when I get home. I don’t need someone to go on a walk, to go on a day trip, to take myself away for a few days to the beach. I don’t need someone to function daily. I don’t need someone to help me get through life. I am sick of partners telling me that me wanting the relationship to continue means that I am codependent. I do not need you or anyone to get through life. It would just be nice to have someone to share life with. It would be nice to be the person that someone comes home to and to make them dinner after a tough day, to know that they are okay and to try to make their day a little brighter. It would be nice to have someone to cuddle on a tough day, to feel loved, to have someone make me a cup of tea after a long day of crying and to listen to me and hear about my day, not because they feel obliged to as my partner, but because they genuinely care when they ask, “How was your day?” and they genuinely want to hear the answer. Not, “So how was your day?” after sharing their day then they hang up on you, when a better call comes along and never continue the conversation. What is wrong with wanting that?

What Am I Doing Wrong All of The Time?

I currently feel very scared that I have done something wrong and I am in trouble. Amy (the HR lady) is back in the office today. Once my manager, Steve, left the room to be with the auditor for the second day, Amy asked me if I was getting a lift home from Steve today. Now bear in mind she asked me this not long gone 8:30am (it is 10:58am as I am typing this). I told her that I wouldn't know, as Steve hasn't offered me a lift home yet, but I added that it has been nice of Steve dropping me home, while the weather has been warm and/or humid. She then said in a patronising tone that I should be grateful because Steve goes out of his way to drop me home. He only detours for around 5 minutes (if there is traffic) of his 45-60 minute drive home, so yes, I am very grateful that he has been dropping me home, but Steve does assure me that he doesn't mind and he knows it is difficult to walk in the heat (he is very active, as he is an ex-footballer and exercises as though he still plays, so he knows that I enjoy walking and would rather walk most of the time, but in extreme circumstances, a lift is nice). I did reply to Amy, quite smally, that I am grateful, and I explained where the island is that Steve would drive over if he drove straight home and the right turning and how not too far away my road is, when he does drop me home. Amy then continued in the same patronising tone and said that I have lots of people doing things for me, as Philippa gives me a lift to work most mornings. I felt like I was being interrogated or told off at this point. I managed to explain to Amy that I walk a mile, and up a steep hill,  then I get to the main road. Philippa drives along the main road gets to the same point as me at the same time, so she pulls over and picks me up. Then she stopped the conversation.

Should I tell Philippa that I shouldn't get a lift with her anymore? I will decline Steve's offer to drop me home from now on. I am incredibly grateful that people have been nice to me. I have never asked for a lift, nor do I expect it. I am so scared that I have been doing something wrong. I don't want to get into trouble, and I definitely don't want Philippa or Steve to get into trouble. She has warned both me and Darren against watching the planes land and take off at Birmingham airport together on a Sunday and says that we should be careful about spending time together. I call Darren "Uncle Darren." Apart from my mum and my brother, I don't have any family. Darren is a few years younger than my mum and I am few years older than his daughters. We get along like an uncle and niece. There isn't anything odd about it. He knows that growing up things were incredibly hard for me, because I was from a very lower working class family, whose father and that side of the family wanted me to drop out of secondary school, get pregnant at 16 and get given a house from the government - according to them that is what you are supposed to do. I was never allowed day trips or to go on holiday. When I see Darren on Sundays. we sometimes catch the train to somewhere nearby, like Stratford-upon-Avon or Wolverhampton. My anxiety prevents me from doing things on my own, but if I have a friend with me, I don't feel as scared. Am I not allowed to see Darren on Sundays either? I don't want him to get into trouble either.

 

Steve has never indicated that Amy has spoken to him about it. I get scared, because Amy can talk like she is interrogating you and then sometimes she is calculating things that you don't get aware of, until you receive a letter telling you that you are in the wrong. She wasn't having a conversation with me as though she was Amy, she was having a conversation with me as though she was HR - those are very different personalities.

 

There may not be a rule about giving/receiving lifts right now, but that doesn't mean before the end of the day one won't appear, because Amy tells Marc (the director), "It is for the best of the company." Hopefully it won't come to that. I think, to be on the safe side, I am not going to accept a lift for a little while, just to be on the safe side.

 

It's not the uncertainty of a rule that doesn't exist. I am scared of being judged by HR or being thought of as being in the wrong. I don't do conflict. I don't want to be doing something wrong. If I am unintentionally causing conflict, I would prefer to stop doing the thing that someone else does not like.

 

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I spoke to two people on the shop floor (unintentionally) about being upset by what Amy said. There is one of the older manufacturers, Tracey, who noticed I was upset. She is very nice, but can be a little bit tough. She understands that I struggle with things as her son’s wife has anxiety. She called Darren over, as she knows Darren is like an uncle to me and I told them I was scared I was unintentionally doing something wrong based on the conversation with Amy, as I do not always understand if something I have done has a negative connotation, if it has a positive denotation. One of them told Steve to talk to me and I explained to him the conversation with Amy. He understood straight away why I had gotten upset. He explained that he has never said he had an issue of any kind when he offers me a lift home and he says he knows I don’t expect it and that I am grateful. He said when we get into his car, we are not manager and employee, but we are friends. He made things feel a little less scary. He said he would talk to Amy as to why she was questioning me getting lifts and telling me that I needed to be grateful, when Steve and Philippa know that I am grateful, but I told him not to, because I do not want to create a negative interaction with Amy, as I do feel very scared of her now, and I have to sit next to her.

 

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Okay, so it is the next day and Amy didn’t speak to me all day, which was good, but it also made the office feel uncomfortable and tense. She purposely went out of her way to speak in a very over the top way to other colleagues. I don’t want to be involved with petty office politics or drama. I hate people who constantly have to have drama in their life. All I want is to get away from all of the bad things and just have a quiet, peaceful life. Even if that means, now, that I have to be alone forever, as wanting to have a partner is apparently wrong, crazy and a fairytale if I want it, but it is acceptable for everyone else to have it. I just want to be away from people who always want things and expect things from me or others. I have never had an ulterior motive behind any friendship or relationship. I just care about the person I am with and I want them to be okay. I don’t ask for anything else in return, just to hear from them and know they are okay, but that is wrong for Josette. There is always one rule for Josette and one rule for everyone else. Even the person who said that everyone else said I was too much, but I wasn’t for them, they created even more Josette rules. So is it that it is okay for everyone else to get lifts to work, but not me? Is it okay for everyone else to meet up with a colleague outside of work, but not me? Is it okay for everyone else to be treated as a top communication priority in a relationship, but not me? Is it okay for everyone else to see their partner more after six months of knowing each other, but not me? Is it okay for everyone else to live with their partner and get married, but not me? I really don’t understand what I am doing wrong all of the time.

You deserve much better than me

You deserve nothing but the best,
Someone who lifts you, when you’re feeling depressed.
When you meet her, you will know,
Because you’ll want her with you, wherever you go.
You won’t go days without checking in,
You’ll want to be together, your story will begin.
You deserve to be free to find her,
I won’t hold you back, or hold you tighter.
I must let go, it’s what’s best for you.
When you meet her, you’ll know it is true.
But for now, I’ll leave you be.
You deserve much better than me.

 

- Josie -

 

(Note: This is not self-sabotage. This is realistic realisation and self-protecting. Everyone I date says they want a relationship, but they don’t act like they do with me, yet they tell me they do. If they did, and if I was the right person for them, they would act like it. It is not that they are incapable of treating someone correctly in a relationship, because they can do it instantly after getting out of one relationship and into the next. If K, R, R, A, R and D couldn’t treat us like a relationship, but wants a relationship, I needed to let him/her go so that he/she could find someone who he/she does want those things with. I just wasn’t that person for K, R, R, A, R or D. I was doing the right thing by going away, rather than waste months or years of their life hoping that they would treat me right, when they could have been finding the person that they will treat right.)

AI wrote my happily ever after that I couldn't write, for fear of an anonymous comment calling me crazy or an ex leaving a horrible message on my phone

Exhaling a soft, quiet breath, Jane unlocked the front door to her maisonette and stepped inside, instantly letting the heavy, noisy outside world fall away behind her. Snuffles was tucked safely into the side pocket of her canvas bag, his green plush snout peeking out just enough to watch the hallway.

She dropped her bag onto the floor, kicked off her shoes, and stood for a moment in the silence of her own home. The hallway was quiet, dark, and perfectly still—exactly the way her sensory system needed it to be after a long day.

Then, a soft, familiar weight shifted from the living room sofa.

“Jane? Is that you?”

The voice was low, gentle, and carried absolutely no demands. It didn't ask her why she was late, it didn't pressure her to talk, and it didn't expect her to smile. It was just a warm, steady anchor waiting for her in the dark.

Jane walked into the lounge, her socks padding softly against the carpet. Sitting on the sofa, bathed in the soft, ambient glow of a single lamp, was her person. They didn't have a phone in their hand. They weren't looking at an online chat, or tracking metrics, or calculating how many likes a stranger had given them. Their eyes were entirely on her, soft and completely present.

Seeing the tension in Jane's shoulders and the faint, tired shadows beneath her eyes, they didn't push for words. Instead, they simply reached out, opening their arms wide in an unspoken invitation.

Jane didn't hesitate. She stepped forward, letting herself sink completely into the space they made for her.

The hug was tight, firm, and grounding—the kind of deep-pressure embrace that instantly told her overwrought nervous system that she was completely safe. She buried her face into the soft fabric of their jumper, inhaling the comforting, familiar scent of clean laundry and home. Their arms wrapped securely around her back, holding her so steadily that the shaking in her chest finally began to slow down.

“I’ve got you,” they whispered into her hair, their hand gently stroking the back of her red head in a slow, rhythmic pattern. “You’re home now. You don't have to carry any of it anymore tonight.”

For the first time all day, Jane let her eyelids flutter shut and let her entire body go heavy. She didn't have to explain her day. She didn't have to mask her exhaustion, or worry about saying the wrong thing, or feel like she was too much. Here, in this specific circle of arms, she was completely understood, deeply protected, and fiercely loved for exactly who she was.

They held her for a long, unhurried time, letting the silence heal the raw edges of her mind. When they finally pulled back just a fraction, they reached down, picked up Snuffles from where her bag had dropped, and gently placed the little sage dragon into her hand.

“Let’s get you a hot drink,” they said softly, offering a warm smile that reached all the way to their eyes. “The kitchen is quiet, the kettle is already boiled, and we can just sit on the sofa in the dark for as long as you need.”

Jane looked down at Snuffles, then up into the face of her safe person. The loneliness that had felt like a permanent, heavy shadow in her chest for three whole months finally dissolved into nothing. She wasn't alone in the world anymore. She had a sanctuary, she had her peace, and she had someone who loved her as deeply and truly as she loved them.

Giving a tiny, genuine nod, Jane squeezed their hand and followed them into the quiet warmth of the kitchen.