I'm not going to work today. I think trying to end things is the only option I have left. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough Cal. 

 

 

 

Pay bills

Write out all account info for mum

Buy razors

Buy all the paracetamol I can

Bleach – backup

Delete accounts

Write instructions for deactivation and laptop/phone usage

Self exit note

 

 

 

I do not cope with people lying about me and spreading lies. I am not dependant. I can do things on my own. I can cope on my own. I do not need a person to get through life. I don’t hold on and hope for happy thoughts because I am dependant. I do it because I love and care deeply. I truly want to know that the other person is okay, for no other reason that just to know they are okay. I have other people in my life for support. I was never being horrible. I was never being controlling. I was never trying to hurt anyone. I cannot cope when people spread horrible things about me. That is the worst thing ever. If healthy communication and wanting the life that your partner said that they wanted, when you first met, is controlling, toxic and a weird fairytale, then I cannot speak to another human. Threads is wrong. Everyone on there can bully me all they want, but staying with an avoidant, who you truly love, is not right when they way that they communicate makes you mentally unstable. My doctor was right; avoidants hurt you without knowing they are doing it, they believe they are in the right always and they come back to stab you in the back when you are healing, but this is what triggers things even worse. Well, I won’t have to go through this again. This will be my third attempt to go. I live alone now, so no one can stop me. Third time lucky. Never, ever spread lies about anyone or aggressively have a go at them for absolute nonsense. I try hard every day to make everyone that I come into interactions with happy. I give more than 100% with my emails to suppliers, colleagues, friends and with dating. I try so hard every single day. What’s the point if someone is going to misinterpret me and believe I am a horrible person. Being accused out of the blue for something I didn’t do. I don’t understand how or why. Thank you for making me suicidal. Cal, when you read this, I’m sorry, you were wrong. I’ll never find someone who treats me right. No one can ever hurt me ever again. 2008, 2020, third time lucky.

 

One Rule For Josette. One Rule for Everyone Else

 

I have always been the agony aunt for people’s relationships. Friends and colleagues always seem to come to me and say that their partner is causing them heartache, or something upsets them. I am often able to understand why their partner is doing or saying the hurtful thing, and help them to start a conversation with their partner explaining, “When you do [insert thing here] it hurts me, please can you try to [insert thing here],” and it usually always works, or at the very least, leads to a further conversation of fixing things. A lady that I went to university with was going to break up with her partner over something very tiny. I helped her to understand why he was saying what he was, and now they are married, own their own house and have two children.

Whenever I say to someone I am dating, “When you ignore me, withdrawn affection, or leave me with uncertainty, it hurts me. It makes me feel anxious and scared about our future together. All I need is a small piece of communication, to help me feel like I am a part of your life, like a small text at the end of the day, where you acknowledge my messages and respond, for example, “Sorry to hear you’ve had a tough day. I have been stuck in meetings all day, so I know the feeling. Looking forward to the weekend already. Goodnight x” but whenever I say that, I am told I am controlling, a horrible person, I am trying to change them, or I am in the wrong. I am not asking for hours of their time. I am not asking to see them every day or even every week. I am not taking their time away from their friends, who they see daily, or their family. I am not asking for gifts or to have money be spent on me. I am just asking for a very low level, basic relationship need. When you show affection one day, but withdraw it completely the next, that makes any normal person anxious, but it causes an anxious person to feel even more anxious. They always tell me to, “get help,” but every time I do, the doctor always says that I need to be with someone who treats me with respect and does not do this. So why am I the only one who, when I tell the person that I am dating, that they are doing something that is upsetting me, that I am in the wrong for trying to tell them? I am not an angry or aggressive person. I find it really hard to speak up and say when things hurt me, I do it as kindly and gently as possible, but I am still being told I am wrong.

I even tried mirroring them. They put in absolute minimum effort. Just a few words here and there by text message. I go from putting in 150% effort, to matching their 10% effort (not to be spiteful, but because I am hurting so much from putting in 150% effort every single day that I am struggling to cope and cannot stop crying) and they say there is no point in texting or communicating at all, because we just say the same thing. Unless I am the one putting in 150% effort every day, we don’t have any communication.

Why am I always stuck with men who treat me like I am worthless? I know that if they truly loved me and I mattered to them that they would try. They always do with someone else, never with me. Why is everyone else allowed to be in a relationship where their partner listens to them, when they tell their partner that they are doing something that hurts them, and between them they can work together to fix it. When I say that my partner is doing something that hurts me, I am told to see a therapist to get over needing basic communication, and to not feel anxious when my partner can talk to everyone else in the world but me, when they can share all parts of their life with everyone else, including complete strangers online, but they cannot communicate with their partner, or share their important life decisions with me. They treat me like I am worthless and meaningless to them. That I am just supposed to sit there, twiddling my thumbs, waiting for them, while they live their life doing whatever they want. They don’t want to show up or make any effort. They think they can just show up some day, speak to me, see me and then go back to not bothering for days or weeks and everything will just be okay, like I am some ragdoll that doesn’t need to be treated fairly or with respect.

It really is the Josette rules. It is one rule for everybody else and one rule for Josette.

Jack & Sally

I have spent the entire bank holiday weekend making things. I sewed a pink frog, for my colleague, Amy, whose husband decided last weekend that he wanted to divorce her, because she has saved up enough money to buy them a house. I sewed three green frogs last weekend that went viral, as 11,200+ people liked them and over 400+ people left me wonderful messages and I have replied to each and ever person. Thank you.

I have, also, painted Amy three pebbles (one for her, one for her daughter and one for her son). I have painted the three squishies that Tracie bought me for my birthday and I have made the cat cushion that she bought me for my birthday too. I do have photos of them that I will share at another time, along with my three green frogs from last weekend.

 

Today is the day for my 48 hour craft make. On Sunday and today, I have made two of my favourite characters out of felt. I partially used a craft book, but the instructions were awful and the pattern wasn’t removable or single sided and it had to trace parts by putting my phone beneath the page and tracing over it with bumps and it was awful. The pattern was just for a simple rag doll though and I wanted to make something special. I have recently read ‘All Hail the Pumpkin Queen’ and ‘The Houe of the Pumpkin Queen’, which I enjoyed. Also, my ex-partner loved these too. He was my Jack. I definitely wasn’t pretty enough or goth enough to be his Sally, but I like to think that he would have thought of me as his Sally.

This is the long and slow process of making me Jack and Sally dolls. Sally isn’t completed yet. I didn’t have enough red yarn for her hair, so the yarn is just resting on her head at the moment. I have ordered some red yarn from Etsy and I am hoping that I will be able to finish her next weekend.

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

- Josie -

Bumble

 Okay, so I did it. I reinstalled Bumble. I really hope that I can meet someone who doesn't make me feel more lonely that being alone. I want someone who can actually communicate with me, just for two minutes, instead of being able to talk to everyone else in the entire world, including strangers, but not be able to talk to the one connection that is supposed to be their priority. I am so scared that I am too old now. I am scared that I have wasted my life being with people who couldn't treat me with respect and made me anxious and cry, then said it was my fault. I just want to be happy with someone. I'm scared that this isn't possible. I'm scared that all relationships are mentally abusive, to some extent, and I am just not strong enough. I just want someone to cuddle, who loves me as much as I love them, who doesn't disappear and only contact me when they're bored, or when they want something. I'm so scared that I won't get to live with my partner, because that is all I have ever wanted. I'm so scared that it is all too late. I just want to be happy with someone. Maybe I'm too old. Maybe I really am just worthless - that's how people eventually treat me.

Eeeeep!

 Eeeeep! Look what I just found. After ten years of waiting, I finally found him... 

https://www.instagram.com/p/DYVGgpRqr4b/