If anyone can find me this custard cream plushie, I will be in debt to you forever. The original post for this photo, on Instagram, says that they found it in Tesco, but I have seen two posts since saying it was in Matalan. Custard Creams are my favourite biscuit and I adore this little character so much.
- Josie -
The only people that I seem to
have relationships with act like they are still in their late teens or early
teens, yet I have never dated anyone below the age of thirty. Emotionally
immature people, or avoidants, as they seem to be called nowadays should never
be allowed on dating apps. It should be against the law. They should be forced
to pay compensation to the partner that they mentally abuse, and they should
spend time in prison, just to learn their lesson.
I will never date another person who blames me for being too anxious and to, “get
help,” when they are the one who created the anxiousness. Whenever I do see a
doctor and explain how I am feeling, they always tell me that I am only
anxious because my partner caused me to feel this way.
I have seen a handful of doctors,
used the Samaritans (before they removed email as a form of contact a few weeks
ago) and there is an “Avoidants” group of Threads. They have all helped me to piece
together the following ramble of thoughts:
Avoidants make deep connections with
you. They show up in the beginning, vibe heavy, and then vanish emotionally,
once it is real. They think that they don’t owe you communication. Meanwhile,
you’re sitting there wondering what you did wrong. They confuse intimacy with
danger, so when you ask questions, wanting consistency or express emotions,
they see it as, “too much.” It is not too much to want transparency and care
from someone you are connecting with. This causes anxiety, confusion and depression
in healthy people, and make anxious people even more anxious, people who suffer
from depression feel even more depressed. It isn’t “bad timing” it is emotional
unavailability being normalised. This is not healthy and it is not okay. This
is a form of mental abuse. Avoidant behaviour is the silent contribute to the
biggest emotional damage in dating.
Don’t give unlimited chances to
someone who offers limited effort. Repetition isn’t growth. Patterns don’t lie.
If they wanted to do better, they would.
You can’t fix their lack of
effort by putting in more effort. Love only works when it is reciprocated. You
can’t fix someone’s inconsistency by trying harder. You fix it by stepping back
and watching what they do. If they disappear when you stop working hard and
chasing, that’s your answer.
Someone who keeps you “in the
loop” but never commits isn’t standing by you. They are keeping you on standby.
Delayed clarity is still avoidance.
Someone who cares makes space.
Someone who doesn’t makes excuses. It’s not your jobs to convince someone to
show up for you. It’s your job to leave, when they don’t.
The right person won’t make you earn
their effort and affection. You won’t have to fight for a place in their life.
They make space for you without being asked to.
Consistency is the truest form of
love. Not grand gestures or empty promises, just showing up, day after day,
with honesty and effort.
They don’t need you consistently,
they need you on demand. Warm when they feel empty, gone when closeness
activates them. Your care becomes something they access, not something they
build with you.
You’re not a girlfriend; you’re a
nervous system tool. They come close, feel safe, get overwhelmed, pull away.
An avoidant makes me think: If I
stay calm, ask for less, and don’t push, but keep shrinking and shrinking and
shrinking myself, they might communicate with me at someone point. But then you
hold onto that tiny breadcrumb so tightly, with all of your desperation and you
feel that you should be grateful for that teeny, tiny offering. That isn’t
love. That isn’t a relationship.
When you bring up concern, they
say that you are the problem. They shift focus onto your tone, your timing, your
emotions, anything to avoid the issue. They refuse to put themselves in your
shoes and see how/why you might be feeling that way.
They ignore your needs and act
attacked when you express simple human needs. Asking for clarity, connection and
basic communication gets twisted into being “too much” or “too emotional.”
They do what they want without considering
you There is no mutual planning, no collaboration, just important life changing
decisions made on their terms, without asking for your opinion, without
discussing it with you beforehand. You are an after thought to their plans. They
expect you to just follow along with it, because you are there.
Real conversations are avoided at
all costs. The moment things get vulnerable or uncomfortable, they withdraw.
Being left feeling like everything
is always your fault. Leaving you to question yourself, your worth and your expectations,
even though all you wanted was basic communication and basic emotional safety. That’s
not asking too much. You’re not asking for too much, you are just dealing with
someone who refuses to take responsibility and expects you to carry the
emotional burden alone.
The hardest part of a breakup is
losing your best friend. Watching them turn on you, like everything we built
means nothing. The thin line between love and hate. It hurts so much.
If you could come back and say
you’re sorry, that you miss me and you want to try, I would take you back in a heartbeat.
I would hold your hand and help you; we could work on things together. The most
heartbreaking part is that a lot of avoidants never learn, or never change. I
had an ex-partner who did. He found someone who was good enough for him to want
to change. I am proud of him for learning, evolving and for not treating his,
now, wife, the way that he treated me for four years. I hope that you can learn
and change your ways too. I love you and I miss you, but I can’t cope with
being in a friends-with-benefits situationship with an avoidant.
-
Josie -
My last day’s holiday was the 1st of January. My next day’s holiday is the 24th of December. I can’t believe we aren’t halfway there yet. I feel so mentally drained. Yes, I am grateful that I get the weekends and bank holidays off, but it is still 230 days until I get eleven days off, because of how Christmas falls, unless of course, I get another job and I work somewhere that doesn’t close over Christmas, then I will never have another day’s holiday. That is a little scary.
I was supposed to have been off work this week. I was supposed to be in France. Instead, I am single and without a holiday, possibly ever again. I will try dating apps again, but I am so scared that I am just going to keep meeting people that give me severe anxiety, and blame me for not coping when they treat me badly.
To add on top of this, I found out a few days ago, someone who was once my
potential father-in-law has passed away. I feel so guilty that I have no been
close to him for the past ten years. He helped me a lot growing up. He helped
me to study for my A-levels. He helped me to understand British history and
revise for my English Civil War exam. He taught me football, so that I could join
in with the boys. He and his wife gave me a safe environment to be in, growing
up, when my own home was toxic and broken. He was a very caring, loving and welcoming
man. It hurts to hear that he has passed. He retired from teaching last summer
and apparently passed away in January. Someone casually told me of his passing
casually, as if that was just a normal things to say in passing. There are a
lot of wobbly thoughts and upset emotions surrounding me at the moment, as I
haven’t really had that chance to properly process this.
It has made me really understand that life is too short. I want to be able to treat
every day as though it is my last, and never wish that I had said things or
done things differently. I can never have another opportunity to have another
conversation with him. To thank him for all that he did for me all of those
years ago. I regret the distance that there had been for a little over ten
years. And now it is too late.
-
Josie -
I know I’m not allowed to reach out, and I’m not allowed to speak to or message you, but it doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. I know I’m the one who had to say goodbye, but it was because you were being avoidant, which was hurting me, and had been hurting me for a long time. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. I still miss all of the good times, all of the happy memories, all of the cuddles, all of the forever promises. I miss sitting on the settee together, watching a film together. I miss sitting on a park bench with you and watching the world pass us by. I miss cuddling you, and how safe I felt in your arms. I miss who you were before your entire personality changed on the 30th of November. Occasionally, part of you returned, for small pockets of time, and I held onto that you so tightly that it hurt. I was so desperate for that you to return. I miss you so much. Today has been a cry in bed all day kind of day, because no matter what I try to start or what I try to do, my heart just keeps reminding me of you. I didn’t leave because I didn’t care. I left because I cared and it was hurting me. I still love you and I still miss you. I’m scared that if I told you I miss you, it still wouldn’t fix things. What if you were still avoidant, distant, inconsistent and unable to provide basic human communication? What if you’ve moved on, don’t care anymore or found someone else? All of those things are valid and you’re completely allowed to have those things… and you’re allowed to have not changed and not be able to offer basic communication that I need to feel safe. None of those things mean that this doesn’t hurt still… that I’m not still in love with you… that I don’t still miss you. I will always love you, and I will always miss you. Today has just felt really hard. I just want my Dexter cuddle and for everything to feel okay again. I haven't stopped crying. I haven't stopped caring. I haven't stopped loving you.
- Josie -
Eeep! Okay, I can’t help it! I need to share how absolutely wonderful my new planner and the tab stickers that I got from a seller on Etsy are!
My planner was custom made, on Personal Planner. They are a Swedish company and it is the most high quality notebook I have ever had. The pages are so thick, my new EnerGel pen, by Pentel, is never going to bleed through to the next page. I got to personalise the front and back covers. I could have used my own photographs, but I went with something simple, a nice mint green, and my writer’s name is along the bottom. I was able to personalise the inner cover (with contacts in case it ever gets lost) and I got to pick a theme for the pages, the design, the colour, the font and the layout. It just looks absolutely perfect.
My only downside was that I loved the page tabs on my old planner (that ended in December 2024). As I was personalising a planner in May, and regular page dividers were never going to fit a spiral bound planner, and I would have had to cut slits into them and they would never sit level and that would bother me, so I found a creator on Etsy, who makes personalised mini tabs. They are stickers that you stick right on the edge of the page. I am absolutely in love with these. I got to pick the colour, the font and the three characters that go on them (May, through to April, then STO, LST, DRM, NTS and EXT). I have just stuck them all in and I am absolutely over the moon. This planner is my baby. Now, I just have to hope that I can find something to look forward to, to plan in here. I should have been in France this week, so I am going to be very mopey and feeling sorry for myself. I am trying really hard to keep busy, so that I don’t get upset.
- Josie -
