Losing Your Dreams

Three dreams of mine have all been ruined in a very small space of time. It is going to take a long time to get over these and to feel okay again. When something has been your life dream for as long as you can remember, having to give it up feels both hard and scary. I am literally losing part of my identity.

I have always wanted to be a writer, for as long as I can remember. Even in primary school, when we had to write sentences for our spelling homework, I was writing stories. Now that I have my own place, since January, I have been looking into making this dream a reality. I have been researching into literary agents and publishers that that produce a similar type of fiction to what I write. I have learnt that the publishing world is incredibly different now to what it was ten years ago. Audiences don’t care as much for the story as they do the person behind it. It matters more to readers to be able to interact with their author through social media, for the authors to travel more, to meet their audience, do more conventions etc. That all starts with having an audience, and literary agents won’t take you on if you don’t have a presence on social media. I did have social media. I started an Instagram account back in March, in hopes of re-finding three online friends that I had during lockdown, before Elon Musk bought Twitter. I found them and it was so nice to be back in touch with them again. I discovered a whole community of females my age with the same type of sensory autism. I found a community of women my age encouraging each other to get out there with their writing and offering each other tips and tricks to work with literary agents. I had to leave all of that behind for two reasons. An ex messaged me that he was reading my thoughts online and spitefully misinterpreting everything. He was incredibly malicious about it and it made me want to remove his connection to me, which was through my Instagram account. I, also, had a huge safety breach, where a complete stranger was able to provide my full name and full address to the emergency services, for a well-being check. No one knows my address, not even work. I cannot receive post at my address, so my workplace still have my mum’s address. Someone that I do not know, said that they know me, claimed to be my friend and, after looking me up online, somehow managed to get my full address. That is absolutely terrifying. Someone that I do not know thinks they are my friend and knows my full name and where I live. I cannot have a social media account, because my safety is now at risk. Without a social media account literary agents don’t accept new writers. So now I have to let go of my dream of writing. I really thought that this year was going to be the year that I tried. Instead, I am now scared for my safety.

The scary stranger safety risk also means that I have to sell my maisonette. I am absolutely devastated. I finally own my own place, I have painted every room, I have a brand new kitchen fitted, I have hung up shelves in various places and I have hung up my canopy in my reading nook, and now I have to give it up. I am going to have to find somewhere to rent and just keep moving forever, which I know isn’t that bad. I don’t need to own my own home, as I do not have children to pass the property down to. I know I can never find somewhere under £130,000 again. I love my home. It is mine. It is, I would say, around 95% sensory autism friendly. I have one neighbour below me, no one above me, no one beside me. It is as close to a detached home as someone on just less than £30,000 could afford. I am terrified to leave my home, in case the stranger who thinks we are friends is watching me. I am terrified to be home, knowing that a stranger knows me and where I live. I don’t know if they are physically watching me. All I know is they claimed to be my friend and knew me from online. Friends, from work, are taking it in turns to take me out to places, so that I am hardly ever home – to be on the safe side. But then I fear that this person might break in, somehow, if I am constantly out. They are the ones who said that I have to sell it though. They are right. A stalker who thinks we are friends could cross any safety boundary. Another fear is that prior to owning my own maisonette, I spent over £2,500 applying to properties to rent. Estate agents are quick enough to take your application fee, but some of them say they don't pass single people's applications over to the landlord, for financial stability reasons. I don't have a guarantor either, as my Mum doesn't own her own home, so finding somewhere to rent has been feeling like an impossible mission lately.

The third crushed dream is accepting that I will never have a partner. Growing up, my home life was not safe. There was no love. There was no calm. Things were often quite scary, for a young child. All I have ever wanted is to have that safety. I don’t need someone to look after me, to do things for me, to pay bills for me, to take me places or anything like that. I feel safe on my own. I feel happy on my own. I love my own company and I will be content being completely alone forever. But what I always wanted was to just know that someone was there, who loves me and won’t just get up and walk away one day. I want to know that someone loves me just as much as I love them. Someone I can cuddle after a long day, who wants to make dinner together, spend time together. Someone who I can be there for if they have a bad day. I want someone who doesn’t want drama, to always host, to always be visiting people or off travelling somewhere. I have accepted that I am too old. There isn’t going to be anyone out there around 35 years old who has never been married and doesn’t have any children, who isn’t single because they are an avoidant/emotionally immature. I don’t want someone who thinks that me asking if they are okay is me being emotionally unstable. I want someone who knows that I love and care deeply and I want to know that they are okay. I am sick of both men and women who do not want you to act like you love them or you care about them, but they want the level of physical intimacy that comes with it. If I am asking if you are okay, it is because I love and care about you and I genuinely want to know that you are okay. If I don’t love you and don’t care about you, I won’t ask you how your day was, how you are feeling and if you are okay. I won’t care if I don’t hear from you for several days or weeks at a time, but news flash, I also won’t want to cuddle you, kiss you or anything more with you. The only people who genuinely want a loving relationship will already be in one long before turning 35. Rather than be with someone who only wants a situationship, I would rather be alone forever. I am mentally stable when I am alone. I am happy when I am alone. I can do things when I am alone. As I mentioned above, I have friends, from work, who have been spending time with me, we have been to Stratford-upon-Avon, Leamington Spa, the witchcraft shop I have been wanting to go into for over twenty years, we have been to the Think Tank, YO! Sushi and a Weatherspoon’s. I have Manchester and the Sea-Life Centre on the cards for this weekend, which Snuffles and I are really looking forward to. I don’t need a wife or a husband to get through life, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to love someone and care about someone, and to feel loved and cared for back.

I just feel very lost right now. It is like part of my identity has been taken away. I am very much against people who change their personality, but when three huge parts of who you are have to be taken away from you… I don’t really have the words. Empty and lost are all that spring to mind.

- Josie -

Learning

Three nurses and two doctors later, it has been confirmed that there is zero wrong with me. I have been told to stay away from people who are emotionally immature, mentally abusive and who take advantage of me. That last one, I still don’t quite understand.

He said that relationships have different levels and stages. From month 0-2 people should give level 1-2 energy. From month 4 you reach level 3 energy. Then by month six and onwards, you give level 5 energy to a relationship. Then after this, things continue at level 5, but you see each other more, you do more things together, you schedule calls if you’re apart, or plan to move in. What I always get in relationships is people who put in level 5 effort at months 0-2, then we kind of meet in the middle by month three, but by the time we get to month 6, they have checked out. This is the opposite of a relationship. Your partner becomes your number one communication priority the longer you are together, not the opposite. The opposite is a situationship, where one person is in control, the other person is left in waiting. The controlling one love bombs one day, retreats for several days or weeks, can communicate with everyone but their partner, then returns as though nothing has changed. This type of connection causes anxiety in the receiving party, often where the controller blames the receiver for being anxious, where they cause the anxiety. The controller does not take responsibility for their actions, but expects the receiver to be responsible for how they react to being treated poorly. The controller is usually emotionally immature and labels basic human needs and basic relationship necessities as controlling. It is the equivalent of asking the controller to cook a meal together, but they refuse to, because their parents have always cooked for them and they only use ready meals. They do not see why they should cook a meal and see the suggestion as controlling and trying to change them. It is not controlling or changing them, it is maturing. A mature, emotionally intelligent person will communicate and put in level five effort with their partner from month 6 and beyond. They will communicate with a minimum of basic human needs in a relationship. If they cannot, they are not ready for a relationship.

He, also, said that no one is ever too busy. It just depends how low down you are on their priority list. If you are their partner, you will be near/at the top.

My anxiety comes from being stuck in situationships, where I am told that basic human emotional needs are wrong. I am told that basic relationship things are wrong or only in fairytales. I only find people who act like they want a relationship for three to five months, then pull away, stop communicating properly and can talk to everyone else in the world, but me.

The rest of my anxiety is from my sensory autism. I am not exceptionally intelligent, or good at maths. That is not the type of autism that I have. My autism is the type that gets overwhelmed with sounds, especially multiple sounds all happening at once, like multiple conversations in supermarkets, shopping centres and restaurants. It does not mean I can never visit these places. It means that I have to carefully plan my day around busy times. I was able to go on a date to Leamington Spa, over the weekend. They knew that I would struggle with the busy-ness of the train, so they got to the train station early, found the guard, asked them where the quietest part of our train would be and he and the guard helped to escort me across Birmingham train station, at a time that isn’t usually busy, but Arsenal fans were about for the train to their parade. I have never visited Leamington Spa before, and I was able to have a nice time in a place that was new to me.

My sensory autism does not cope when plans change or when people lie. This isn’t something that I can control with medication or with therapy. It is just how my type of autism is. The brief couple of months that I was on Instagram, I found a community of females, my age, who have the exact same type of autism. If someone says they are going to be somewhere and they do not follow through, I have high anxiety for the whole day, even if I try to do something that I like, and it doesn’t ease until I go to sleep. The solution? The doctor says to only associate with understanding people, and that anyone who has respect for me and truly cares would follow through with agreed plans, would clearly communicate if there is something out of their control that happens and they would do this as soon as they knew, so as to provide me with enough notice – I would still struggle, but it is courteous and on rare occasions if I am notified sooner, I can try to try, depending on what the change is. I need to stop being around people who know they aren’t going to turn up to a date, but not tell me or who cannot tell me their intentions in advance, and expect me to change what I am doing at the last minute to accommodate them, when they knew how their week was going to plan out and what day they were planning to see me, but not tell me until part way through the intended day.

I have been told that I am already doing the right thing by going to the supermarket at quieter times, by not pushing myself to do anxiety inducing things when my mental capacity is struggling. I am learning how far to let a partner push a situationship until I cannot cope anymore. I am learning how to use noise cancelling headphones effectively. I am learning how certain textures help me. I am learning how to plan places and trips to make things easier for me. I know not to let someone else plan things and not tell me anything about the day. I am learning that people who lie to their family and friends about me are not worth trying to fix things with.

- Josie -

Jack & Sally

I have spent the entire bank holiday weekend making things. I sewed a pink frog, for my colleague, Amy, whose husband decided last weekend that he wanted to divorce her, because she has saved up enough money to buy them a house. I sewed three green frogs last weekend that went viral, as 11,200+ people liked them and over 400+ people left me wonderful messages and I have replied to each and ever person. Thank you.

I have, also, painted Amy three pebbles (one for her, one for her daughter and one for her son). I have painted the three squishies that Tracie bought me for my birthday and I have made the cat cushion that she bought me for my birthday too. I do have photos of them that I will share at another time, along with my three green frogs from last weekend.

 

Today is the day for my 48 hour craft make. On Sunday and today, I have made two of my favourite characters out of felt. I partially used a craft book, but the instructions were awful and the pattern wasn’t removable or single sided and it had to trace parts by putting my phone beneath the page and tracing over it with bumps and it was awful. The pattern was just for a simple rag doll though and I wanted to make something special. I have recently read ‘All Hail the Pumpkin Queen’ and ‘The Houe of the Pumpkin Queen’, which I enjoyed. Also, my ex-partner loved these too. He was my Jack. I definitely wasn’t pretty enough or goth enough to be his Sally, but I like to think that he would have thought of me as his Sally.

This is the long and slow process of making me Jack and Sally dolls. Sally isn’t completed yet. I didn’t have enough red yarn for her hair, so the yarn is just resting on her head at the moment. I have ordered some red yarn from Etsy and I am hoping that I will be able to finish her next weekend.

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

- Josie -

Life's Hard, But I Am Writing

I am still struggling with missing my ex and hating how he changed into the person that he said he wouldn’t and became mentally abusive. The past few weeks have been an emotional yoyo. I keep going from being okay, to crying hysterically at my desk, to feeling like I can get through the day but being very fragile, to hating everyone and wanting to be on my own, to missing the old/nice him so much that I can’t concentrate.

Today, however, I forced my thoughts to concentrate and spill all of my fragile and yoyoing energy into a teeny, tiny little early Arcturus High #2 paragraph. It isn’t polished or edited and I haven’t even completed all of the dialogue sentence parts, but I needed to try to prove to myself that I can still write…

 

“Caitlyn, may I have a word outside?” Mr Penn announced to the room. Caitlyn’s head shot up. Her eyes widened, as she sniffed a sharp inhale. Looking towards Mr Penn, Caitlyn gave a small nod, as she rose from her seat to follow her teacher toward the back of the classroom. As she shuffled past Lyra, Caitlyn’s line of sight was drawn to Fabian, who plonked himself back down in his seat.

“What did Mr Penn want?” Pete asked him. Sensing Caitlyn’s stare, Fabian looked up. Their eyes met. He gave Caitlyn a soft smile. A warmth prickled in her chest and Caitlyn felt her cheeks begin to burn. She shuddered out of her thoughts just in time to avoid bumping into Carlos, who was waving his arms around.

“I failed my Chemistry test,” she heard Fabian tell his friends. “Mr Penn was just giving me extra homework.”

“You failed?” exclaimed Oscar in disbelief. “But you’re the smart one. What hope have the rest of us got if you failed Mr Penn’s test?”

“I dunno, I guess it was just harder than I thought.” Fabian’s voice faded into the background of the Naeniam Exponentia’s experiment chatter.

            Lowering her head, Caitlyn made her way outside of Mr Wye’s music classroom and into the corridor. A lump formed in her throat. “I’m sorry,” she blurted out, looking up at Mr Penn. “I was too harsh on Bentley, wasn’t I? I didn’t mean to; it’s just he wasn’t being careful and-”

“You’re not in trouble, Caitlyn,”

“Sir, I’m really sorry, I-”

“I said, you’re not in trouble, Caitlyn.”

 

- Josie -