Josette’s Struggles
1) Class or cultural differences
- - It is normal for some people to drop gifts off at doorsteps.
- - This is an act of kindness, thoughtfulness that holds no expectations.
- - Turning up uninvited can be seen as having rude connotations and considered a red flag.
- - In my experience, this kind of gesture has been normal and well-received, so I was not to know that this would seem wrong to another.
- - This appears to be normal for West Midlands and Warwickshire friendships/relationships. So potentially a cultural difference to Worcestershire or middle-class upbringing.
- - It does not mean that I am in the wrong. It does not mean that the other person is in the wrong. We just do not have a neutral understanding of the action.
- - I am from a lower-working class family. I typically date people from a middle-class family. Class/cultural differences are going to be there and likely become a cause of conflict.
- - People from different backgrounds can assign very different meanings to the same behaviour (e.g., “kindness” vs “boundary crossing”). Without communication, both people assume their interpretation is obvious.
2) Relationship changes
- - If a friendship or relationship starts off close, with shared connection, shared interests and future goal, then changes without discussion, it does become confusing for the other person.
- - When changes happen without being spoken about, the person who notices the shift is often left trying to “correct” themselves, rather than questioning the change itself.
- - I get confused, because I am non-confrontational and do not request that the other person explain where we stand and what their expectations now are, following the change
- - The other person might not see the change, as they initiated it/their ideologies have shifted.
- - I cannot blame myself for the change.
- - I cannot blame myself for not being a mind reader.
- - Healthy relationships require both people to communicate when needs and expectations change.
3) Relationship dynamics with conflicting wants
- - When a relationship dynamic changes, one person often become the one in control, while the other person shrinks themselves to fit the new role.
- - Neither is wrong. Usually initialled to keep the relationship how the other person wants it. To keep the peace. To save confrontation.
- - The reason why I struggle, is because I want my needs to be met, while struggling to accept that I cannot have what I want in this specific friendship/relationship dynamic. I struggle to shrink myself, but I do not want to take on the demanding role.
- - When I shrink myself, it feel like everything I am doing for the other person is always wrong.
- - I struggle with someone else being in control of my life.
- - Most relationships become unbalanced over time, especially when one person avoids conflict and the other is more decisive and/or withdrawn.
- - Two people wanting to both be in control often causes conflict/friction.
4) Why does the same thing keep happening?
- - I make friends with/date the same middle-class people, who have different experiences/alignments to mine.
- - I do not want confrontation.
- - I withhold my wants and needs for the other person, but still want them to be met.
- - I do not express my wants and needs for fear of the other person leaving.
- - I am drawn to people who feel secure or self-contained, but those people may not naturally offer the level of closeness or communication I need.
- - By not expressing my needs early, I unintentionally create relationships where my needs are invisible.
Conclusion
- - I act with care, thoughtfulness, and emotional openness.
- I assume that will be understood in the same way.
- When it isn’t, I question myself instead of the mismatch.
- I avoid asking for clarity, to avoid losing them.
- Relationship/friendships forms around their expectations, not mine.
- I am thoughtful, accommodating, non-confrontations.
- I want mutual closeness.
Josette’s Moving-Forward List
1) Clear and consistent communication
- I need someone who communicates changes in feelings, expectations, or availability.
- I cannot be expected to “sense” when things have shifted.
- If something becomes uncomfortable for them, I need them to say it kindly and directly.
2) Emotional consistency (not sudden withdrawal)
- I need stability in how we interact.
- Sudden distance, without explanation, is confusing and distressing for me.
- If closeness changes, I need that to be acknowledged, not silently acted out.
3) Mutual effort (not one-sided adjustment)
- I am willing to adapt, but not to the point of losing my own needs.
- The relationship should not be built around one person’s comfort alone.
- My needs should be considered equally, not silently deprioritised.
4) Space for me to express my needs safely
- I need to feel that I can say what I want/feel, without risking immediate rejection or withdrawal.
- I struggle with confrontation, so I need someone who responds calmly and openly when I do speak up.
5) Shared understanding of “kindness” and intention
- I show care through thoughtful actions.
- I need someone who either understands that, or is willing to talk about it—not assume negative intent.
- If something I do feels uncomfortable to them, I need them to explain rather than judge.
6) Emotional reciprocity
- I need emotional closeness to be mutual—not something I am maintaining on my own.
- I want to feel chosen and valued, not tolerated at a distance.
7) A balanced dynamic (not control vs shrinking)
- I struggle in a dynamic where one person leads and the other adjusts.
- I need a relationship where both people have a voice and influence
8) Alignment in relationship goals
- I need clarity about what the relationship is and where it is going.
- If someone wants distance, independence, or a different level of commitment, I need that to be clear early on.
- I cannot thrive in uncertainty long-term.
- If my needs are not being met, it does not mean I am asking for too much. It may mean I am asking the wrong person.
