I have done everything I need to in life

 Yesterday was a very long day. A 15 hour day. It was hard. I knew it was going to be. I didn't want to do it, but I had to. I had to be there for a friend on the anniversary of a very hard day. We travelled out to a place that meant a lot to them. They phoned their daughter and told them that they were very grateful that I came with them on this painful day. They thanked me and told me I had helped.

Tonight it made me think, I think I have done everything that I need to do in life. I worked my way up, through work. I proved everyone in my family and friends, who have come and gone, wrong. I could do it. I have bought my own place. It is a maisonette, so it is going to lose me money, not make any, as they aren't sell-able anymore, but everyone says that your supposed to purchase a property, so I have done that. Everyone says that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but I do not think that is true at all. From a writer's point of view, I have more life experiences.

I am, now, at the point where I don't think there is anything left for me. Not in a suicidal woe is me sort of way, just in a, I have done everything that I need to in life. There isn't anything left to want, because what I want, I can't have.

I am not interested in steeping up any higher in the workplace - I push myself mentally to he point of almost fainting every single day at my job being a production coordinator and covering managers, when they are off sick, I couldn't cope with any more stress.

I have no interest in losing money by selling my maisonette. Aside from making a will, as I have not done so since purchasing my property, which I know is a terrible thing to not have done, especially as an unmarried female, as every penny that is in my name would automatically go to my biological father, by English law. So I need to make sure nothing goes to him and it all goes to my mum.

I cannot have a partner and get married, like I always wanted... to experience the safety that I never had growing up... to come home and you both just be there, respect each other, enjoy a meal together once, maybe twice, a week... to cuddle them and feel loved. My personality type only makes people want to be more independent and push me away. 

The autism overwhelm/burnout has only been getting progressively worse, especially over the past six to eight weeks. The toxicity and hostility, at work, has made it so hard just to function. I am not allowed to wear my noise cancelling headphones anymore. I am not allowed to just say, “Morning,” and, “Bye,” to the immature colleagues who make work insufferable. I now am being told that I have to act like I am their best friend in order to, “Keep the peace.” I do not know how to do that. With emotions, there is no black or white. I am not necessarily crying because I am happy or sad, there are loads of emotions and things in between that can cause that. It is the same with autism. It is not a case of you are either autistic or you’re not and everyone who is autistic is exactly the same. I like to explain to people that autism is like a rainbow. Someone could be autistic and be red, which is nothing like someone else with autism who is purple. I am not good at maths, I am not highly functional at all times, I do not constantly need to calculate things. I have sensory overwhelm. I hate going out to places. It will never feel natural or comfortable. In order to do those things, someone will always need to be my crutch or walking stick, as I cannot do those things without that. But in the workplace, communicating with people is black or white. I either speak to you naturally, in a positive way, where I try to brighten everyone’s day, keep the peace and never get involved with confrontation, negativity and gossip, or I only say, “Morning,” and “Bye,” and we only speak if it is regarding work. If you need me to fake being your best friend, you will have to pause for my response, as I will need to explain each interaction to AI and have it explain to me what I am allowed to say, what tone of voice in which to say it in, if I can or cannot make eye contact and what body language I am supposed to use.

The petty squabbles, the toxic rules and judging in the workplace is making it harder and harder each day. I have been experiencing light headedness, tingling in the front of my forehead, coming very close to fainting (by narrowly avoiding the ringing in my ears) and having very heavy pressure over my eyes that never goes away. It does not go away outside of work. When I get home, I no longer have the mental capacity to do anything. I cannot wash up a cup, cook food, tidy up, sweep/bleach the floor, have a bath/shower, wash my face, wash my clothes, tidy things away. Whenever I try to do something, I end out starting at whatever it is I am trying to do for hours, without moving, or I just collapse onto the floor. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I stare at the wall or the ceiling, until I can crawl into bed. The weekends are no different. I spend Saturdays in bed, unable to mentally bring myself to do anything. Not out of laziness, but out of mental exhaustion. Sundays are full of masking and dread, knowing that I have to fake that I am happy and fake being okay for extended periods of time, while the few nice work colleagues that I have, take it in turns to make sure that I do something with my weekend. Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful for them, but with the autism overwhelm burnout being so strong, I do not enjoy a single second of existing. It takes all of my concentration and mental energy just to get through the day. The heavy pressure never leaves my eyes. It is like I have not slept in a year, despite me getting between 6 and 8 hours sleep most nights.

As the autism overwhelm/burnout gets worse and worse with every passing week, and I cannot do the only thing that will improve it – take a week off work, I am stuck. The HR lady, at work, will not grant permission for me to have a week off, as I do not fall into her agreed reasons for annual leave. I cannot take time off work via a doctor’s note, as I will not be paid, and therefore cannot afford the mortgage, council tax, utilities, broadband, service charges, communal charges, ground rent, standard monthly fixing fees and food if I have no money.

I do not have anything else in life. I have done all I need to do. I am as high up in a career as I can mentally cope. I own a property, despite it providing me with no financial gain. I have experienced multiple situationships, to learn that I am the problem and I will never be able to have a relationship, find love or be happy with someone. It isn’t physically possible. I do not know what it is that is wrong with me, but I have accepted that this is the case. That is it. There isn’t anything else left to do. I am not living. I am existing from day to day to pay the bills. I do not have a life outside of that. I cannot cope doing anything, because I cannot clear the autism overwhelm/burnout. I cannot clear the autism overwhelm/burnout, because I am not allowed a day off. I cannot attend a job interview because of the autism overwhelm/burnout, so I can never leave this toxic, hostile workplace.

I have written stories. I have written poems. I have drawn pictures. I have taught myself to sew. I learnt to handmake cards. I taught myself tarot from a very young age. I have recently taught myself to cook. I got to paint walls for the very first time in my life. I learnt to fill holes and sand walls. I got to buy furniture and crockery, without the embarrassment of everything being second hand and mismatch. I taught myself to use a jigsaw-saw. I put up my own furniture. Apart from the one thing I can never have, I have done everything that I could ever want/need to do.

As I have accomplished everything else on my list, by the one thing that is impossible, and the autism overwhelm/burnout is never going to improve, I wonder if Switzerland is my only option. I don’t mean this in a feeling sorry for myself way. I mean this in a very logical way, as in there is no other logical option. I cannot improve the autism overwhelm/burnout. I cannot cope with feeling this drained, lightheaded and faint forever. It is getting to breaking point. There is nothing medically that can be done. There is no medical treatment for the sensory autism that I have. The doctors say that I do not need anti-depressants, as that won’t help me. I just need a safe, calm environment to de-stress, where I am told that it would help if there were someone in my life to help lighten the load, even if it is to make me a cup of tea, when I get home and ask about my day. Wow doctor, if only things were that easy and simple.

I have done everything that I need to accomplish. There isn’t anything else that I want to do. I can’t cope living like I currently am forever. I don’t have a person to grow old with, who it would break my heart to not spend every day with them. I have never experienced that, and more than half of my life is over. I cannot physically meet anyone, because the autism overwhelm/burnout is so bad, but according to HR, I do not have a valid reason to take time off to help it go away.

I am stuck in a loop.

I have done everything that I have wanted to do in life, apart from what I can’t have. Everything else, I have done it all on my own. For the people who say I am not independent, I have never had a real relationship, so no, I am not dependent on anyone and no, I am not unhealthily expecting someone to save me. I just want the autism overwhelm/burnout to go away, but there isn’t anything that I can do.

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I have only had it this bad back in 2020, and then 2021, when I was being overworked at an old job. I know I had it briefly in 2015 and 2016, in horrible jobs that I had back then too. If I cannot do the only thing to treat it, and I have nothing in life to ever look forward to, I have done everything that I need to in life.

Maybe tomorrow, during lunch, I will actually take the first step to looking into saying goodbye in Switzerland. I don’t want to do this, but I can’t exist like this forever, with no way for it to go away. It will probably kill me before I get anywhere near close to looking into it.