You Are My Light

(Josie Sayz: Having re-read and edited, I decided to delete the old version and republish thins. It made me cry - a lot. Here is the story of Blue and Watt. You are my light.)

Drooping her shoulders, she lowered her head. The rapping in her ribcage intensified. Shifting her sight to her feet, she seeped a shaky breath. Bellowed laughter echoed behind her. She shuddered. A tight grip clenched at her chest. Reaching the stairs, she grabbed out for the handrail. Racing to the top, she swept through the doorway ahead. As the door swung to behind her, a breath escaped her. The tinned chatter and busy, bustling of the shop floor, below her, died as the latch clicked closed. “Thought you were going to stay over forever,” chuckled a voice. A nervous laugh escaped her, as she turned to face him. Her heart flickered, as the light radiated from him. Its familiarity and warmth sparkled a tingle of butterflies in her stomach.

“I’m sorry,” she muttered, as the dark hands gripped her chest tighter.

“Don’t be sorry, silly,” he mused. “Now come here,” he sang, holding his arms out. Flickering her eyes towards his, she edged forward, allowing him to wrap his arms around her. Pressing her cheek against his chest, she exhaled a shaky breath. “It’s okay,” he whispered, running a hand up and down her back. The dark hold on her chest loosened, as she pressed herself against him. “The shift’s over. You’re safe now, with me.”

“Thank you,” she squeaked, shuffling in his grip to face him.

“You’re most welcome, princess,” he smiled down at her, squeezing her tight. “You still up for that walk around the park? We don’t have to, if you’re not up to it.” Poking the corner of her mouth up, she nodded. “Good,” he grinned with a nod.

Leaving the work environment behind them, the two made their way through the park. As they walked, he slipped his fingers into hers. Lacing his grip, he hummed as the silky touch of her fingertips curled around his hand. Reaching a bench on the far side of the park, they took a seat.

“Thank you for helping me today,” she muttered, sliding her hand out from his grip. The rapping at her ribcage returned.

“It was my pleasure,” he smiled, extending his warm glow. “Anything for you, Blue,” he beamed. “You know that.”

“I don’t know what I’d have done, if you didn’t show up,” she murmured. Tightening her back, she clawed her nails into her palms. The dark hands that gripped her chest, earlier, reappeared from behind. Wrapping themselves around her chest, she felt them tighten. A lump lodged in her throat. Shifting her sight to the floor, her eyes shuddered as she stared ahead at a stone. “She just kept screaming at me and screaming at me… I didn’t know what to do,” she went on, as her voice-box trembled.

“It’s okay,” he whispered. Pushing himself forwards, he draped an arm over her shoulder. “It’s over,” he reminded her. “Try not to think about it, okay?” His light twinkled out of the corner of her eye. Flopping to his side, her chest shuddered.

“I just don’t know what I’d do without you, Watt,” she murmured, as her eyes stung. Sniffing, a squeak escaped her.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, rubbing a hand up and down her arm. “It’s okay. Try not to think about it. Customers are heartless sometimes. You’re safe now… you’re with me.”

“I know,” she squeaked, squeezing her hand against his hoodie. “I don’t want you to go.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he laughed with a soft smile. Placing his chin on the top of her head, he pulled her closer to him. “I’m not going anywhere,” he repeated in a whisper.

“Thank you,” she cried as her voice-box squeaked. Scrunching her eyes, she buried her head in his chest. The warmth of his touch tingled her spine. She hummed against him. Her cheeks dampened. Shuddering against him, the dark hold loosened. Exhaling a shaky breath, she looked up at him. “Thank you, Watt,” she smiled with a blotchy face. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Blue,” he grinned back. Leaning forward, he placed his lips on her forehead. “I just want you to be happy and safe,” he told her.

“I know,” she squeaked. “Thank you for helping me.”

“Stop it,” he smirked, shaking his head. “You don’t have to keep thanking me.”

“I’m sorry,” she muttered, pushing out of their embrace. The demon arms tightened their grip around her. ‘You’d better be sorry,’ she heard them say. ‘You don’t deserve him,’ echoed throughout her brain. ‘You’re pathetic,’ spat another remark.

“And you don’t have to keep being sorry,” he chuckled, wrapping his arms around her once more.

“I do,” she sobbed, sniffing. He pulled her back towards him. Flopping against him, her chest shuddered. “I do. I don’t mean to keep bothering you and needing you and stopping you form doing your job to help me and I’m sorry,” she blubbered. Twisting her head away from him, she scrunched her face.

“Stop it,” he sighed, pressing his lips to her neck. “Stop it,” he whispered. “I like helping you. I like making you feel safe. I want to help you, Blue,” Watt told her, as he rubbed his hands against her arms. “I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t want to – but I do,” he added with a chuckle to his voice. “I want to make you happy… that’s all I want, is for you to be happy.”

“Thank you,” she sniffed, shifting her sparkling eyes to his. “And I want you to be happy to,” she sobbed, dropping her sight to her lap, as the grip on her chest tightened.

“I am happy,” he told her, as he kissed her neck once more. “Very happy. I just want to see you happy. Seeing you upset at work makes me upset, because I want to be there and help you.”

“I know,” she breathed. “But you shouldn’t have to.” ‘No,’ sneered a dark voice inside of her, ‘He shouldn’t.’ The fluttering in her stomach stopped. ‘You’re stopping him from doing his job,’ projected another. Her intestines knotted. ‘You’re a selfish toad,’ spat the another, ‘Look at what he’s having to do for you. You should be disgusted and ashamed.’ Their hold on her chest tightened. ‘I am,’ she told herself, with another sniff. ‘I am.’ Gripping his hoodie tighter, she returned her head to his chest and muttered, “I don’t want to bother you.”

“You’re not bothering me,” he reassured her. “Look at me… look at me, Blue,” he sang out, as her gaze dance to the floor. Stroking his thumb against her cheek, he positioned her face towards his. As her eyes flickered towards his, a smile stretched across his face. “You’re not bothering me, okay? You never bother me.” Her eyes twinkled. Scrunching her face up, she buried it in his chest. “If you bothered me, I’d politely tell you so, but you don’t… you never have done.”

“I love you,” she squeaked, shuffling as she turned to face him.

“I love you too, princess,” he beamed down at her. Closing his eyes, he leant towards her. She closed hers too, pressing her lips against his. His warmth and light passed into her, as their lips met. He kissed her again. The fluttering of warmth flooded through her body. Gripping her fingers through his hair, her body tingled as he stroked her back. “I love seeing you smile,” he whispered, as they parted.

“And I love seeing you smile too,” she giggled.

“See,” he beamed back at her glowing cheeks. “Everything’s going to be okay.” Feeling his warm, light stroke her heart, she nodded.

*

A lump lodged in her throat. A weight clouded her head. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to swallow. “Good morning, Blue speaking. How may I help?” she sang, picking up the intercom receiver.

“Yer service is slow, ain’t it?” snapped a deep voice on the other end of the line.

“My apologies sir,” she smiled, despite not being able to see him. Her chest trembled, as the demon hands took grip. “How may I help you today?”

“I’m here to pick me shoppin’ up, ain’t I?” he growled. “That’s what you guys do, ain’t it?” Swallowing hard, Blue’s hands trembled. Her stomach whirlpooled, as the voices returned to her head.

‘See, you can’t even please one, single customer,’ mocked a voice. ‘You can’t even do the simplest task,’ jabbed another. The weight in her head began to spin. ‘A kid could do your job better,’ taunted the third. Her bottom lip trembled, as the phone conversation continued. ‘You’re rubbish,’ the voices went on. ‘A pathetic waste of space,’ ‘You don’t deserve this job,’ ‘You can’t do anything right.’ Returning the receiver to the handset, she pressed her hands to her chest, as she steadied her breathing. Thoughts of Watt flickered across her mind. “I can do this,” she told herself. “Watt believes in me.” Turning to collect the customer’s shopping, flashes of meeting with Watt in the park, weeks ago, filtered into her mind. His kind words. His encouragement. His help. His love. His hugs. His kisses. The trembling eased. The tightening loosened. The demon voices faded. Her stomach fluttered with the light from his touch, the warmth of his voice, the love in his heart. “I can do this,” Blue told herself. “I can do this.”

Stepping out of her office, Blue held her head high. ‘I’m going to do Watt proud,’ she told herself with a smile. “Here we are Mister Grouchin,” Blue sang with a beaming smile. “It’s all ready for you. Would you like me to help you pack it into your car?”

“No!” he snapped. “You ain’t layin’ a finger on my property.”

“Sorry sir,” she replied flickering her sight to his shopping. The dark hands clawed at her chest. “It’s company policy to offer to help. You’re welcome to sort it out yourself,” she replied with a smile. “I know some people like to place certain things in certain places,” she added with a giggle.

“That ain’t it!” he barked. “I gotta check it all over first. You never do anything right, you young uns. I get home an’ I’ve never got me bread or peas or milk.” A thud drummed in her head upon his every word.

“You’re more than welcome to check it over sir,” Blue smiled. “I have your bakery goods here,” she informed him, pointing to a collection of bread and cakes in a carrier bag. “And your frozen’s here. Your chilled stuff is here,” she said, pointing to two different carrier bags in turn. “And everything else is in here,” she added, pointing to the large bottle-green box on the side.

“Don’t trick me!” he yelled, thumping her hand away. “I know what you’re tryin’ a do. You’re trying to trick me inta leavin’ without all me stuff.”

“Sorry sir,” she stuttered, feeling her throat close up. “I’m only trying to help.”

“Well stop!” he raged, jabbing a finger at her. “You supermarket scum are all alike. You’re all lyin’, stealin’, cheats – the lot a yer!” Blue’s heart tremored. Her stomach spiralled. Her legs quaked. The grip on her chest grew tighter. Her head grew heavier. Her vision clouded, yet still she smiled.

Running back inside her office, after servicing the customer, Blue slammed the door behind her. Pressing her back against it, the weigh from her customer interaction washed over her. ‘They were right,’ she sighed, plonking down into her chair. ‘I can’t do anything right.’ Her heart dropped to her stomach. ‘That’s right; you’re useless,’ jeered one of the dark demons, who hovered a hand over her heart. ‘That’s why Watt doesn’t see you,’ sneered another, ‘you’re an embarrassment. Nothing but a disappointment – and you wonder why he can’t face you.’ Scrunching her fists to her eyes, her chest trembled. ‘You’re alone,’ snarled another voice. ‘Watt doesn’t want to see you. Your colleagues don’t want to see you. Even your own customers don’t want to see you.’ Sniffing, her voice-box squeaked. ‘Not even a miracle could fix your mess.’ Sighing, the weight in her head grew heavier. The grip on her chest grew tighter. ‘I’m useless,’ Blue cried to herself. ‘I can’t do anything right.’

*

Tugging a jumper over her head, Blue’s insides lathered. ‘It’s not going to feel the same,’ one of the voices hissed. Her brow puckered. ‘It’s been four whole weeks,’ another told her, ‘He’s a different person now.’ Gripping her biceps, a shudder crept up her spine. ‘He doesn’t really love you – not really,’ the third taunted, ‘How could he?’ Slipping her feet into her shoes, she leant against the wall and slid to the floor. The dark demons’ hands spiralled out from behind her, scraping at her heart. ‘You’re fat,’ one reminded her as she stared down at her thighs. Their gnarled fingers jabbed into her legs. ‘Ugly,’ another added as pain prickled in her cheeks. ‘Poor,’ stabbed the third, as her eyes fixed upon her bag. Her stomach churned. Sliding her knees towards herself, she wrapped her arms tight around them. ‘Boring,’ the voices went on. ‘A disappointment.’ Her heart sank. Pinching her eyes tight, her chest trembled. ‘A waste of space.’ A squeak escaped her. ‘He’s only toying with you.’ She sniffed. Her cheeks dampened. ‘Dragging you along.’ Her chest grew heavy. Their grip was too strong. Her breaths grew shallow. ‘It’s fake,’ growled the loudest, ‘It’s all fake.’

Bleeping vibrated in her ears. Her heart tremored. Her phone lit up. She squeaked a gasp. “Watt’s here!” The spiralling in her stomach swung around in a circumbendibus. Swiping her scarf from her bed, she looped it around her neck, grabbed her bag and ran down the stairs. Stopping at the front door, she turned to the mirror. Scraping her palms across her face, she tried to hide her salty, socket spillage. Inhaling a shaky breath, she ruffled a hand through her fringe. “I can do this,” she told herself, sensing his light near. “I think…” she muttered, placing a hand on the door handle.

His smiling face greeted her, as she slid into the passenger seat of his car. “You look beautiful,” he beamed, stretching an arm out to hug her.

“Nooo,” she murmured, lowering her head, squirming away.

“It’s true, Blue,” he reassured her. “Now come here,” he sang, pulling her into a tight embrace. His warm glow engulfed her. Humming against him, she pressed her head into his chest. The dark grip around her ribcage loosened a little.

“Thank you,” she murmured.

“Now,” he chuckled, kissing the top of her head. “Let’s get going.”

With every passing car, house and tree, the spiralling in Blue’s stomach increased. The silence between them rattled in her brain. Taking a shaky breath, her chest shuddered. The dark claws returned. ‘See,’ a voice growled. ‘He can’t even bear to have a conversation with you.’ Their hold pressed against her throat. ‘He’s concentrating,’ she answered back. ‘Yeah,’ they mocked, ‘Concentrating on pretending you don’t exist.’ Forcing herself to swallow, her breathing shallowed once more. ‘He could be doing so much more with his day,’ they warned her. ‘But instead he’s here, with you.’ Tugging on the cuffs of her jumper, she lowered her sight to her lap. ‘He has far more important things to be doing.’ Flickering a glance at Watt, the creases in her brow deepened.

“You okay?” Watt asked, placing a hand in her lap.

“I’m fine,” she muttered, stroking her fingers over his. A flutter of light bubbled in her stomach. Giving her leg a squeeze, Watt returned his hand to the steering wheel. ‘It’s fake,’ the voices spat. ‘It’s not,’ Blue cried back. ‘It’s real. He’s real. Watt loves me.’ The pressure in her head pressed down harder. Shuffling, she shifted her sight to Watt. ‘At least I think…’ she added.

Walking around the grassy field, Blue looped her thumb through the strap of her bag. Wandering her sight to the trees in the distance, she arched her head away from Watt. “It’s a nice day,” he told her, as they walked on.

“Yeah,” she muttered.

“So, where’d you wanna go first?” he asked. Stopping beside him, she stared down at their shoes.

‘The highest hill we sat on last time,’ fluttered in her mind. She shifted her gaze to his. The green speckles in his eyes shimmered as he gazed down at her. ‘It was so magical. So special,’ she sighed. ‘He kissed me for the first time. I’d love to go back there.’ The butterflies danced in her stomach. ‘Selfish,’ sang the demons in chorus. Her stomach dropped. ‘He’s taking time out of his day for you,’ they warned her. ‘How dare you ruin things by being so selfish.’ Extinguishing the flickering flame from her stomach, the demons wrapped their grip around her. Lowering her sight back to their shoes, Blue shrugged, “Whatever you want,” with a smile.

“But I did this for you,” he exclaimed. “I want to do whatever you want to do.” Stepping closer to her, he squeezed a hand to her shoulder. “I know you’ve struggled a lot these past few weeks. I just want to make you happy.”

“Thank you,” she smiled up at him. “But you had to stop what you were doing and drove all of the way here,” she reminded him. ‘That’s right,’ the voices agreed. ‘Do what he wants. It’s always what he wants.’ Taking in a shaky breath, she swallowed. ‘Never let it be what you want. It’s selfish… you’re selfish,’ the voices went on.

“Alright,” he shrugged, as his light flickered. Drooping his shoulders, he poked the corner of his mouth up. “You wanna take a long walk around – end up where we did before?” he asked with a shrug. Pinching her lips in, Blue’s eyes widened. With a squeak, she nodded.

“Yes please,” she giggled. ‘Selfish,’ hissed the demons. “But only if that’s okay with you,” she blurted out.

“Of course it is,” Watt smiled. “Come on, this way.” Holding out his hand, his smile faltered, as Blue hesitated. “Everything okay?” he asked. Biting her bottom lip, she slid her hand into his. The warmth of his touch sparked inside her. As is grip tightened around her hand, the pressure in her chest lifted.

“Yeah,” she whispered, poking a smile into the apples of her cheeks. “I am now.”

“Good,” he chuckled, beaming back.

As conversations blossomed, the darkness in Blue’s brain fluttered away. As Blue let out a giggle, Watt’s glowing light grew brighter. Lacing his fingers through hers, he tugged her into a tight embrace, wrapping his arms around her from behind. “I missed that smile,” he told her, beaming down at his princess. She giggled against him. “There it is again.”

“I love you,” she whispered.

“And I love you too,” he told her with a kiss. As he stroked a hand across her face, the fluttering butterflies exploded in her stomach. Twisting towards him, she stroked a hand through his hair, kissing him back with a sigh. “You okay?” he asked, as they parted.

“Yeah,” she beamed. “Are you okay?”

“Very okay,” he glowed.

Lying in the grass, Watt hooked an arm around her waist. Snuggling up beside him, Blue rested her head against his chest and hugged him near. With a deep exhale, the flutter of warmth washed over her. The tightness in her chest was gone. The pressure in her head had vanished. Flickering her eyes up to Watt’s closed lids, the corners of her lips poked up into her cheeks. Stretching, she placed her lips against his neck. He hummed upon her touch. Stroking his hand under her t-shirt, he bushed his thumb against the hollow of her back. She sighed against him, kissing him more. Looping both of his arms around her, he pulled her on top of him. Blushing, she giggled as the heat tingled her cheeks. “Hello,” he chuckled.

“Hi,” she giggled back.

“I love your laugh,” he told her, with a soft smile. “And your smile… and your everything.”

“Nooo…” she whined, with a childish, nervous giggle.

“It’s true,” he told her, squeezing a hand to her bottom. She giggled again, as her blush intensified. “But I especially love you as close as possible… like this,” he chuckled, wrapping his arms around her. Resting her head against his shoulder, she hummed, as she cuddled him tight. His light washed over her. Happiness swam through her veins. The slowing thump of her heart ticked calmly along with the loving flutter in her stomach.

“This is the best day ever,” she whispered dreamily in his ear.

“We’re only sat in the park,” he told her with a chuckle.

“So?” she murmured, stroking his hair. “This is perfect… I’ve never been happier. I love you Watt.”

“I love you too, Blue,” he whispered, lolling his head against hers. “I always will.”

*

Opening her front door, the trembling that Blue had forced to stay in her chest, all day at work, quaked. Thumping her bag to the ground, her stomach flopped to her feet. “For God’s sake!” bellowed a deep voice. Blue’s intestines whirlpooled as she flung her head towards her brother. “I’m sick a seein’ your filthy face, yer ginger rat,” he spat.

“I’m sorry,” she muttered. “I only just got home.”

“This ain’t your home though, you rat,” he raged. “No one wants you here.”

“But-” she muttered. Spiralling out from behind her, the dark, demon hands twisted and knotted themselves around her chest, her arms, her legs.

“I live here, yeah. This is my home, yeah,” her brother raged. “I don’t wanna leave my room an’ have to worry about seein’ your filthy face, yeh ginger, fat-faced rat.” Her chest tightened. Words spun around in her brain. Her throat closed. “Do yer have any idea how stressful it is for me and how depressin’ as hell it is to have to see you every day?” he thundered, slamming a door. “Yeh make me sick. I just wanna kill myself.”

“Hey!” their mother shouted, as she appeared in the hallway. “That’s not very nice.”

“But it ain’t nice ‘avin’ to see that thing’s fat-face every single day a my life – is it?” he went on. “She’s so selfish, yeah,” he spat. “I don’t wanna see her, yet here she is. It’s ruinin; my life, the ginger tramp. I j’st wanna stamp on her face an’ end her.”

Throwing one foot in front of the other, Blue raced to her room. Slamming the door behind her, she threw her bag at it. The raging voices, downstairs, loudened. Pain jabbed in her chest. A door slammed. Her legs quaked. Curse words flung through the air. Trembling, her hand grabbed her phone from her pocket. Her chest shuddered. “Hello? Blue, is everything okay?” came Watt’s warm, familiar voice though her phone.

“Watt…” she squeaked, collapsing to the floor.

“Blue!” he gasped. “What’s happened? What’s going on?” As a squeak escaped her, she burst into tears. “Blue,” he stated firmly. “Talk to me. What happened?”

“It’s happening again,” she sobbed, pressing her head into her knees.

“What?” he demanded.

“He’s screaming at me again,” she cried, between shallow breaths. “He and mom are shouting and swearing and banging. I’m so scared,” she squeaked, trembling. “I’m so scared,” she cried. “It’s all my fault.”

“No, it’s not,” Watt sighed.

“It is!” she snapped, sniffing. “It is. It always is.”

“What did you do?”

“Nothing,” she howled. “I just came home.”

“Then it’s not your fault,” he assured her.

“But it is,” she bawled.

“Do you want me to come and get you?”

The thumping in Blue’s chest increased. ‘Yes!’ she squeaked in her head. ‘Yes! Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!’ she cried to herself. 'I want to be safe and happy and feel your warmth and light.’ The trembling inside her rapped faster. Faster. Deeper. Louder. ‘Selfish,’ sang the demons in her head. ‘Disgusting creature,’ one spat. ‘You can’t make him come and get you,’ one snarled. ‘He’s busy,’ the loudest declared. ‘He’s at home, doing something. You’re interrupting him. You’re bothering him.’ Her body grew heavy. Flopping onto her side, she shuddered. ‘You’re mithering him,’ a voice yelled. ‘You’re selfish,’ echoed through her thoughts. ‘Selfish! Selfish. You are selfish,” chorused over and over. “No!”  Blue cried down the phone, feeling her intestines knot.

“Are you sure?” he asked, as his flicker deflated.

“Yes,” she snapped. “I’m sorry,” she squeaked, sobbing. “I’m so sorry Watt. I shouldn’t have phoned you,” she howled. “I shouldn’t have bothered you.”

“You’re not bothering me,” he reassured her. “Blue-”

“I am,” she cried. Her chest jittered. Her howling cries echoes down the phone, ringing bells in her ears. “Watt, I’m sorry. You were busy doing stuff and I phoned you and I’m sorry.”

“Look, I’m coming to get you,” he stated firmly.

“No!” she shrieked. “No-no-no-no, no!” she panicked, as they tightened their grip on her chest. “Don’t! Please, don’t.” Taking a shaky breath, she spluttered, “You’re busy, I don’t want to bother you.”

“You’re not,” he growled. Hearing the frustration in his voice, a squeak escaped her, as she began snivelling even more.

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying sorry,” he sighed. “You’re not bothering me.”

“But I am,” she cried, as the demons’ voices spiralled to the front of her mind. “And I don’t mean to,” she told him. “I’m just scared.”

“Get out of the house then,” he sighed.

“I can’t,” she cried, frozen on the floor. Their grip on her body intensified. Her limps rooted to the spot. Her chest shuddered. Her throat closed. Shaking, a jittery whimper escaped her.

“Why not?”

“I just can’t,” she cried.

“Well then let me come and get you,” he insisted.

‘Selfish, selfish, you’re being selfish,’ sang the demons in her head. “No…” she wailed at Watt.

“Fine,” he sighed, as his flickering light dimmed. “Suit yourself.”

“Watt!” she cried.

“Let me know if you change your mind,” he muttered. The phone went dead.

“No!” she wailed, hysterically, as her phone dropped from her hand. Curled up in a ball, she squeezed her biceps tight, digging her nails into her skin. “Don’t go,” she whispered. “I just wanted to talk to you… I need you.”

Shaking, Blue tried to steady her breaths. ‘See,’ snapped one of the dark voices. ‘He doesn’t care.’ A hot tear trickled down her cheek. ‘He does,’ Blue sobbed. ‘I just can’t bother him. You told me not to. I’m not being selfish,’ she declared. ‘He’s angry with you,’ the voices told her. ‘He doesn’t love you,’ they told her. ‘He never loved you,’ they growled. ‘He hates you. He hates you and he’s never, ever, ever coming back,’ a deep cackle echoed, sending a shudder up her spine. ‘It’s over,’ snarled another. ‘You’re a pathetic waste of space,’ they laughed. ‘He never loved you.’ The stinging in her heart, bled to the rest of her body. Dread, sadness and despair washed over her. ‘I’m alone,’ she sobbed, shaking. ‘Watt hates me.’

*

Six, lonely weeks passed. The tightness in her chest grew. The rapping in her ribcage rattled throughout her body. Hunching her back, she lowered her head from everyone. Swallowing at the lump in her throat, the demons’ voices swirled around in her mind. They were her only company. Her only conversations. The only ones that understood her. ‘Watt didn’t help you,’ they reminded her. ‘He pushed you away,’ they scorned. ‘He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t need you,’ one growled in her ear. ‘He never needed you,’ another told her. ‘You needed him, but he never needed you.’ Sniffing, her eyes stung. ‘Why would he need you?’ snarled another. ‘You can’t do anything for him. You don’t have a good enough job. You’re never going to get a better one,’ they taunted her. ‘All you do is cry,’ mocked another. ‘You’re never there for him. You can’t do anything for him,’ they told her. ‘He does everything for you.’ Clawing her nails into her palms, Blue fastened her pace. ‘Selfish, selfish, you are selfish,’ they sang. ‘He stops doing things for you,’ one warned her. ‘He puts his life on hold for you,’ the other reminded her. ‘He could be doing whatever he wants, but instead he wastes his time, spending it with you,’ the third roared at her. She shuddered, swallowing a squeak in her throat, before it could escape. “He has hobbies he could be doing,” the yelled at her. “They are more important than you. You’ll never be important to anyone.” Their arms incarcerated her. The lead in her head caused a groan to utter from her mouth. Rolling her shoulders, their tight grip sent a sharp pain down the left side of her back. Seeping a breath, she gripped her shoulder blade, jabbing her fingers into the nerve. She sniffed. Exhaling a shaky breath, she spied the park up ahead. ‘Selfish, selfish, you are selfish. Selfish, selfish, you are selfish!’ they sang as the park grew closer and closer.

Watt came into view. Standing alone beside a tree, a tiny, glimmer of light called out to her. The dark hold on her chest trembled. “Watt!” she gasped as she approached him. Her eyes sparkled. A smile stretched across her face.

“Hey,” he muttered with a shrug. Her smile dropped. Fear trembled in her stomach. “Sit down.”

“What’s wrong?” she shivered. “Watt… are you okay?” Sitting beside him, his usual warm, light, had faded. A flicker, hidden deep inside, fluttered as she neared him.

“Blue, I love you… I really do,” Watt told her, stroking a hand down her hair. “I love you, but this won’t work,” he muttered. “I’m sorry.”

“Watt?” she squeaked, pushing him away. “Why?” she cried. “I’m sorry,” she howled. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry!”

“No, I’m sorry,” he whispered, pulling her close to him. “I can’t… I just can’t do this anymore.” Feeling her tremble against him, he assured her, “You haven’t done anything wrong, okay? You haven’t done anything wrong,” rubbing a hand up and down her back. Dampening his hoodie, she squeezed him tight.

“But I love you,” she cried. “Don’t go.”

“It’s okay,” he whispered, pressing his lips to the top of her head.

“Don’t go,” she wailed again. “Don’t go, please… I love you.”

“I know you do… but you don’t need me,” he assured her. “There are far more important things in the world than just me,” he told her, letting out a nervous laugh, as his light flickered one final time. Darkness.

*

Collapsed on her bed, Blue buried her head in her pillow. ‘See,’ bellowed the booming voice in her head. ‘Watt doesn’t love you. He never loved you.’ Snivelling, she grabbed her teddy bear and pulled him near. ‘He hates you,’ they told her. ‘He hates you. He’s always hated you.’ Clawing her nails into her bear, a squeak escaped her. ‘He doesn’t,’ she told them. ‘I’m hurting him,’ she cried. ‘You’re making me hurt him,’ she scolded the demons. ‘Liar!’ the loudest roared. ‘We know the truth,’ they warned her. ‘We are your friends,’ one affirmed. ‘We are your only friends.’ Screaming into her pillow, the voices in her head poisoned her thoughts. ‘Watt loves me… I just want to be with him, let him know that I love him and care for him more than anything,' she cried. 'I want to get away from here and for all the bad things go away.’ Pressing her cheek into her bear, she stroked its fur across her face. ‘It’ll never go away,’ thundered a voice. ‘It will only ever get worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse.’ Their dark grip engulfed her. Swamped in darkness, Blue collapsed.

*

Months went by. The dark hold of her demons trapped her. Incarcerated in her bedroom, she was too scared, too weak and too afraid to even get out of bed. ‘This is all you’re good for,’ the voices told her, as she lay, snivelling, in bed, while the sun shone outside. ‘You can’t do anything,’ they reminded her. ‘You’re never going to get a job,’ they stabbed at her, having forced her to give hers up. ‘No one’s going to hire you,’ one told her. ‘You’re never going to hear from Watt again,’ another growled in her ear. ‘Your brother’s right,’ another sang, ‘End it now. End your life; everyone will be better off.’ Peering out from the covers, Blue grabbed her phone. Jabbing her thumb into the ‘Home’ button, the screen lit up. ‘Still nothing,’ she sighed. ‘How long’s it been now?’ asked a voice. ‘Months and months and months… still nothing,’ another said, ‘See it’s over,’ they told her. ‘Your life’s over,’ they shouted. ‘Watt doesn’t love you,” said the loudest. “He doesn’t need you,” spat another. ‘Watt never loved you,’ the third scorned. ‘No one wants you. No one needs you. You are nothing and mean nothing to anyone,’ they told her. ‘Watt hates you. Your brother hates you. Your mother hates you,’ they chimed. ‘Watt doesn’t need you. Nobody needs you,’ they went on. ‘End it. End it now,’ they jeered. They repeated this over and over and over, every, single day. ‘Watt will be happy then. You want him to be happy, don’t you?’ they asked her. Shaking, hot, salty tears streamed down her cheeks. ‘Of course I do,’ she squeaked back. ‘Of course I do… I love him…’ As her heart trembled, memories of Watt flashed before her. A light flickered in her heart. ‘Watt!’ she gasped.

*

Gripping her hand to her necklace, Blue inhaled a shaky breath. “I wish…” she said aloud. “I wish to understand… I want to understand… I need to understand,” she told herself, squeezing her dandelion, wishing pendant tight. With trembling hands, her fingers raced over the keys of her laptop. ‘How dare you!’ raged a voice in her head. ‘How dare you analyse us?” they bellowed. ‘You dare tear apart one more thought!’ they fumed. Ignoring her thoughts, ignoring the demons in her head, Blue typed away.

Her chest trembled. Her eyes stung. Splashes washed over her keyboard. The grip on her chest loosened. Shaking, she pulled her bear tight. They were still there… loitering in the back of her mind. ‘We’ll be back,’ she heard them rage from the depths of her thoughts. Sniffing, she squeezed her bear to her chest, as thoughts of Watt flooded to the front of her mind. “I’m sorry,” she blubbered. “I didn’t mean to push you away,” she sobbed. “I didn’t even know that I was… I didn’t know I was hurting you… I didn’t know I was listening to them.” Quivering, she curled up on her bed. ‘I won’t let them win,’ she told herself. ‘I won’t let them win.’ Stoking her bear across her cheek, she squeaked, “Oh Watt, I’m so sorry.”

*

A whole year passed. Autumn leaves gathered at her feet. The spiralling in her stomach lathered. Seeping a shaky breath, she tugged her phone out of her pocket. Flicking through her messages, she froze upon Watt’s name. She had asked to meet up and talk. He said, “No.” It had knocked her back. The dark thoughts returned. She tried understanding them once more. She asked Watt to meet up, she told him she understood. He snapped at her. “No, you don’t!” he wrote. “You obviously never did, after all this time. I tried so hard to save you, Blue, I really did. I’ve had enough. I’m done with you.” It hit hard. She had tried and tried. She thought she understood – thought she had a hold over the demon hands that control her… but she didn’t. His words stung, but they were true. The demon thoughts were still there. They still had a hold over. They were hiding the truth from her. They were blocking her true thoughts and feelings from channelling through. His words, like a knife, stabbed at her heart, but also stabbed a hole through her inner most, deep demons. A crack of light… his light. Watt’s light as still there, deep, deep down in the darkness of her heart. His flame shone bright. His warmth cleared a path. He did love her – maybe not now, but he had. He did care about her. He was there for her. He did everything he could for her. He was the one trying to help her… but she listened to the thoughts in her head… she listened to them telling her that she wasn’t good enough, that she didn’t deserve him, and she pushed him away. “Watt,” she cried, as his light shone through. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she whispered. “I want to put things right… I need to put things right.”

After Blue’s revelation, she tried one more time. “I just want to talk to you,” she told him. “I understand things now. I know I said I did before, but you were right… I didn’t, but your words helped,” she had written in her text message. “I just want to talk… if things don’t feel right, we’ll both agree that this is it and walk away… I just want one last chance Watt, please? I want to try and fix my mess, even if we can only ever be distant friends and nothing more… please? I don’t want to lose you.”

“Don’t know,” was his reply.

“Think about it – please?” she begged. Two weeks went by and still nothing. The demon claws began creeping back up her spine, prickling at the darkness in her heart. Then yesterday, her phone bleeped.

“I’ll give you fifteen minutes, tomorrow. Nothing more,” he had told her.

Dragging her feet through the leaves, their crunching washed over her. Taking in a deep breath, she exhaled a shaky sigh. Light radiated from the distance. Her head shot up. Her stomach fluttered. “Watt,” she gasped, seeing him sat on their, old bench. “You came!”

“I said I would,” he shrugged. “Doesn’t mean anything.”

“It does to me,” she whispered. “You’re the light I need…”

Sitting down beside him, his warmth tingled her stomach. Pressing her shoulders back, she tugged at the cuffs of her jacket, jabbing her nails into her palms, as she turned to face him. Her heart pounded. Blood trembled through her body. “Watt…” she murmured, staring at the space on the bench between them. “I know I hurt you,” she admitted. “I did more than hurt you… I destroyed your light, but I didn’t mean to,” she told him through sparkling eyes. “I promise you, I didn’t.”

“I know,” he muttered with a shrug, staring at the floor.

“I thought that I understood everything before, when I emailed you… but I didn’t. I learnt and figured out so much about me, but I let the bad thoughts in my head cloud everything that I knew to be true about you.” Taking in a shaky breath, she twisted herself around to face him more. “They fed me bad thoughts and I listened,” she confessed, “but your harsh words helped me so much. They helped stab through the bad thoughts. They helped me see the true light… and that’s you.” Flickering her eyes away from his, she focused on the stain on his hoodie. “I know that you loved me. I know that you cared about me more than anything, more than I ever deserved, because all I did was push you away and hurt you… but I couldn’t see what I was doing or why.”

“Blue,” he sighed, leaning forwards. “I get it, but it’s not going to change anything, okay,” he told her softly. “This is getting stupid now.”

“Please, just hear me out, Watt? Please…” she begged. Exhaling a blow of air, he leant back against the bench and shrugged. “I didn’t know that I was pushing you away. I didn’t know that I was hurting you. I only heard the voices telling me I was being selfish by bothering you, and I know you told me over and over and over again that I wasn’t, but the voices made me think you were just saying that to be nice. I understand now that when you said you’d take me away from home and save me from work, you were doing it because you loved me and cared about me and you wanted me to be safe and away from everything that hurt me,” Blue babbled on. “When I was with you, I felt that safety and love and comfort that you wanted me to. I embraced it. I lived for it. I loved you and being with you and how you made me feel so much that I never, ever, ever wanted to let you go… but as soon as we’d part, the bad thoughts would come back and take control.” Taking in another shaky breath, the silence between them tickled the dark hands that wavered, waiting behind her.

“Work was encouraging them,” Blue continued. “Home was encouraging them… I was encouraging them, because I thought I had to. I thought that’s what I was supposed to do, because that’s all I’ve ever known. You taught me to love and trust, and that everyone and everything isn’t always horrible or out to get me. I felt the light when I was with you… but I wasn’t ready to take it yet,” she told him. “I had to fight the demons on my own. I needed you to push me away. I needed to be alone, because I needed to understand things. I needed to understand me… I needed to understand you… I’m not saying that I’m fixed or that I’m perfect – I know I’m far from it, but I do know a whole lot more about things that I ever did before… and I have you, Watt, to thank for all of this.”

“Blue,” he sighed, seeing her eyes sparkle. Sniffing, she gripped her cuffs tight, as she went on.

“Watt, I know I did and said stupid things to you. I know that I hurt you. I know that I pushed you away and burnt out every single light that you held towards me… I understand things now; I didn’t before,” she admitted to him. “But the only reason why I do, is because of you. You showed me the light. You showed me what things were like on the other side. You showed me that I could be there. But I wasn’t ready. I needed you to push me away. I needed to figure out what triggers things and how to prevent things on my own. But I couldn’t have done any of that without you. You saved me, Watt. You saved me,” she gasped, feeling a lump lodge in her throat. Squeaking a shaky breath, Blue went on, “I know I can’t do this all on my own. I know that the dark thoughts might come back. I’ve pushed the old, bad work-things away. I told you, I’m in a much better place where I work now. I just need to push home away and hold onto you and your light and it’ll help me through. I know it will.” Her twinkling eyes began to run. Shuddering a breath, she forced her words through, “I just want you to give me one last chance, Watt. I love you… I still love you with all my heart… I never meant to hurt you and I promise I’ll never let that happen again.” As wheezing squeaks escaped her, she hugged herself tight, clenching her grip around her arms. “I just need you as my friend, please? You help me in more ways than you will ever know… and I want to be there for you too. I want things to be okay… I know you do too. I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Watt. I want things to be okay between us… please?” she asked him through a watery blur. “I need you…”

“Blue…” he whispered shakily. His light swept towards her. Feeling his hand reach out towards her, she threw her arms around him and squeezed him tight. Pressing her head into his chest, she shivered against his touch. Dampening his hoodie, she shuddered a breath against his neck. Rubbing a hand up and down her back, he gave her arm a squeeze.

“You are my light,” she told him. “You make all of the bad things go away. Whenever I have any bad thoughts, I just think of you and everything’s okay.” Patting a hand on her back, his light took grip of the dark, demon hands that clung to her and yanked them from her core.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, stroking her back. “It’s okay.”

“I know they may grow back… and they’ll always be a part of me somewhere deep inside, but I’m stronger now… a lot stronger,” she told him. “I know I can fight them… thank you Watt.”

“I never gave up on you,” he whispered, resting his chin on the top of her head. “I always hoped you’d find a way through,” he told her, as he gave her a tight squeeze. “You know, you still hold pieces of my heart.”

“And you do mine,” she squeaked. “Watt, you are my light.”

- Josie -