Voodoo Dolls and Curses

Josiesayz:

I think I might be cursed. This year, I turned thirty. I have never, ever celebrated my birthday. This year I wanted to. Two years ago, before the whole Covid thing, I told my partner at the time, that I wanted to go to Paris for my thirtieth birthday (I have never been abroad, apart from one school trip to Germany back in 2006) and they convinced me it was a good idea.

Well skip forward two years and that couldn’t happen for three reasons: 1) Covid, 2) I’m no longer with the person I was with back then and 3) my Godmother said she would have gone with me, but a few days before my birthday, she got diagnosed with cancer.

I still wanted to celebrate my birthday, so I booked the week off work and was going to go to Barmouth, for the week. At the last minute, all of the trains were cancelled, as there was a crack in the train line, so I never got to go.

My mental health has been a spiking roller coaster for the past two years – more so than the struggle I’ve gone through over the last six years. Without a single friend, I’ve really struggled. This week however, despite how hard work has been, I have actually felt the best, mentally, I have probably ever felt in my entire life. It may be down to a vitamin change, or maybe I’m finally over a bunch of traumatic things, either way, I really wanted to do something for me, for once.

Almost two months since my birthday, the past week and a half at work has been so stressful. I’ve been working so many extra hours unpaid, the workload has increased dramatically. There are so many changes and new managers and so many threats being put in place, the only thing that got me through this week was telling myself that I was going to Barmouth on Saturday, as a belated birthday present to myself. I was only going for the one day, but I was looking forward to it so much.

Just as I was about to go to bed, on Friday night, I took one final look at the train times, to discover that the trains for Saturday had been cancelled. I cried. I had been looking forward to this so much. I wanted this. I needed this more than anything. I’ve felt so lost and hurt. I really do think I must be cursed. Bad things just keep happening to me. It’s like someone out there doesn’t want me to be happy. In the last six years, my nan died, my parents split up, I’ve lost every single friends I have ever had, I have had so many jobs I have lost count, I have been bullied by a countless number of people, I’ve had a broken heart, nearly died of pneumonia, had my home life reduced to living in a box room, paying off thousands of pounds worth of utility bills that aren’t mine, and have been made to feel so worthless that I tried to take my own life. Every time I get close to having something nice, a friend, a partner, a holiday, a day trip… it all gets taken away from me. Somebody out there doesn’t want me to be happy.

I tried so hard to still put my day to good use. I tried using up lots of my felt supply and made an army of voodoo dolls. Despite my bad luck, I don’t want to use them for bad purposes. I want to help make everyone’s life happy and better, because I know what it’s like to feel completely worthless and I never want anyone to go through what I did.

- Josie -