Struggling

My last day’s holiday was the 1^st of January. My next day’s holiday is the 24^th of December. I can’t believe we aren’t halfway there yet. I feel so mentally drained. Yes, I am grateful that I get the weekends and bank holidays off, but it is still 230 days until I get eleven days off, because of how Christmas falls, unless of course, I get another job and I work somewhere that doesn’t close over Christmas, then I will never have another day’s holiday. That is a little scary.

I was supposed to have been off work this week. I was supposed to be in France. Instead, I am single and without a holiday, possibly ever again. I will try dating apps again, but I am so scared that I am just going to keep meeting people that give me severe anxiety, and blame me for not coping when they treat me badly.

To add on top of this, I found out a few days ago, someone who was once my potential father-in-law has passed away. I feel so guilty that I have no been close to him for the past ten years. He helped me a lot growing up. He helped me to study for my A-levels. He helped me to understand British history and revise for my English Civil War exam. He taught me football, so that I could join in with the boys. He and his wife gave me a safe environment to be in, growing up, when my own home was toxic and broken. He was a very caring, loving and welcoming man. It hurts to hear that he has passed. He retired from teaching last summer and apparently passed away in January. Someone casually told me of his passing casually, as if that was just a normal things to say in passing. There are a lot of wobbly thoughts and upset emotions surrounding me at the moment, as I haven’t really had that chance to properly process this.

It has made me really understand that life is too short. I want to be able to treat every day as though it is my last, and never wish that I had said things or done things differently. I can never have another opportunity to have another conversation with him. To thank him for all that he did for me all of those years ago. I regret the distance that there had been for a little over ten years. And now it is too late.

 

- Josie -