Learning

Three nurses and two doctors later, it has been confirmed that there is zero wrong with me. I have been told to stay away from people who are emotionally immature, mentally abusive and who take advantage of me. That last one, I still don’t quite understand.

He said that relationships have different levels and stages. From month 0-2 people should give level 1-2 energy. From month 4 you reach level 3 energy. Then by month six and onwards, you give level 5 energy to a relationship. Then after this, things continue at level 5, but you see each other more, you do more things together, you schedule calls if you’re apart, or plan to move in. What I always get in relationships is people who put in level 5 effort at months 0-2, then we kind of meet in the middle by month three, but by the time we get to month 6, they have checked out. This is the opposite of a relationship. Your partner becomes your number one communication priority the longer you are together, not the opposite. The opposite is a situationship, where one person is in control, the other person is left in waiting. The controlling one love bombs one day, retreats for several days or weeks, can communicate with everyone but their partner, then returns as though nothing has changed. This type of connection causes anxiety in the receiving party, often where the controller blames the receiver for being anxious, where they cause the anxiety. The controller does not take responsibility for their actions, but expects the receiver to be responsible for how they react to being treated poorly. The controller is usually emotionally immature and labels basic human needs and basic relationship necessities as controlling. It is the equivalent of asking the controller to cook a meal together, but they refuse to, because their parents have always cooked for them and they only use ready meals. They do not see why they should cook a meal and see the suggestion as controlling and trying to change them. It is not controlling or changing them, it is maturing. A mature, emotionally intelligent person will communicate and put in level five effort with their partner from month 6 and beyond. They will communicate with a minimum of basic human needs in a relationship. If they cannot, they are not ready for a relationship.

My anxiety comes from being stuck in situationships, where I am told that basic human emotional needs are wrong. I am told that basic relationship things are wrong or only in fairytales. I only find people who act like they want a relationship for three to five months, then pull away, stop communicating properly and can talk to everyone else in the world, but me.

The rest of my anxiety is from my sensory autism. I am not exceptionally intelligent, or good at maths. That is not the type of autism that I have. My autism is the type that gets overwhelmed with sounds, especially multiple sounds all happening at once, like multiple conversations in supermarkets, shopping centres and restaurants. It does not mean I can never visit these places. It means that I have to carefully plan my day around busy times. I was able to go on a date to Leamington Spa, over the weekend. They knew that I would struggle with the busy-ness of the train, so they got to the train station early, found the guard, asked them where the quietest part of our train would be and he and the guard helped to escort me across Birmingham train station, at a time that isn’t usually busy, but Arsenal fans were about for the train to their parade. I have never visited Leamington Spa before, and I was able to have a nice time in a place that was new to me.

My sensory autism does not cope when plans change or when people lie. This isn’t something that I can control with medication or with therapy. It is just how my type of autism is. The brief couple of months that I was on Instagram, I found a community of females, my age, who have the exact same type of autism. If someone says they are going to be somewhere and they do not follow through, I have high anxiety for the whole day, even if I try to do something that I like, and it doesn’t ease until I go to sleep. The solution? The doctor says to only associate with understanding people, and that anyone who has respect for me and truly cares would follow through with agreed plans, would clearly communicate if there is something out of their control that happens and they would do this as soon as they knew, so as to provide me with enough notice – I would still struggle, but it is courteous and on rare occasions if I am notified sooner, I can try to try, depending on what the change is. I need to stop being around people who know they aren’t going to turn up to a date, but not tell me or who cannot tell me their intentions in advance, and expect me to change what I am doing at the last minute to accommodate them, when they knew how their week was going to plan out and what day they were planning to see me, but not tell me until part way through the intended day.

I have been told that I am already doing the right thing by going to the supermarket at quieter times, by not pushing myself to do anxiety inducing things when my mental capacity is struggling. I am learning how far to let a partner push a situationship until I cannot cope anymore. I am learning how to use noise cancelling headphones effectively. I am learning how certain textures help me. I am learning how to plan places and trips to make things easier for me. I know not to let someone else plan things and not tell me anything about the day. I am learning that people who lie to their family and friends about me are not worth trying to fix things with.

- Josie -