I currently feel very scared that I have done
something wrong and I am in trouble. Amy (the HR lady) is back in the office
today. Once my manager, Steve, left the room to be with the auditor for the
second day, Amy asked me if I was getting a lift home from Steve today. Now
bear in mind she asked me this not long gone 8:30am (it is 10:58am as I am
typing this). I told her that I wouldn't know, as Steve hasn't offered me a
lift home yet, but I added that it has been nice of Steve dropping me home,
while the weather has been warm and/or humid. She then said in a patronising
tone that I should be grateful because Steve goes out of his way to drop me
home. He only detours for around 5 minutes (if there is traffic) of his 45-60
minute drive home, so yes, I am very grateful that he has been dropping me
home, but Steve does assure me that he doesn't mind and he knows it is
difficult to walk in the heat (he is very active, as he is an ex-footballer and
exercises as though he still plays, so he knows that I enjoy walking and would
rather walk most of the time, but in extreme circumstances, a lift is nice). I
did reply to Amy, quite smally, that I am grateful, and I explained where the
island is that Steve would drive over if he drove straight home and the right
turning and how not too far away my road is, when he does drop me home. Amy
then continued in the same patronising tone and said that I have lots of people
doing things for me, as Philippa gives me a lift to work most mornings. I felt
like I was being interrogated or told off at this point. I managed to explain
to Amy that I walk a mile, and up a steep hill, then I get to the main road. Philippa drives
along the main road gets to the same point as me at the same time, so she pulls
over and picks me up. Then she stopped the conversation.
Should I tell Philippa that I shouldn't get a lift with her anymore? I will
decline Steve's offer to drop me home from now on. I am incredibly grateful
that people have been nice to me. I have never asked for a lift, nor do I
expect it. I am so scared that I have been doing something wrong. I don't want
to get into trouble, and I definitely don't want Philippa or Steve to get into
trouble. She has warned both me and Darren against watching the planes land and
take off at Birmingham airport together on a Sunday and says that we should be
careful about spending time together. I call Darren "Uncle Darren."
Apart from my mum and my brother, I don't have any family. Darren is a few
years younger than my mum and I am few years older than his daughters. We get
along like an uncle and niece. There isn't anything odd about it. He knows that
growing up things were incredibly hard for me, because I was from a very lower
working class family, whose father and that side of the family wanted me to
drop out of secondary school, get pregnant at 16 and get given a house from the
government - according to them that is what you are supposed to do. I was never
allowed day trips or to go on holiday. When I see Darren on Sundays. we
sometimes catch the train to somewhere nearby, like Stratford-upon-Avon or
Wolverhampton. My anxiety prevents me from doing things on my own, but if I
have a friend with me, I don't feel as scared. Am I not allowed to see Darren
on Sundays either? I don't want him to get into trouble either.
Steve has never indicated that Amy has spoken
to him about it. I get scared, because Amy can talk like she is interrogating
you and then sometimes she is calculating things that you don't get aware of,
until you receive a letter telling you that you are in the wrong. She wasn't
having a conversation with me as though she was Amy, she was having a
conversation with me as though she was HR - those are very different
personalities.
There may not be a rule about giving/receiving
lifts right now, but that doesn't mean before the end of the day one won't
appear, because Amy tells Marc (the director), "It is for the best of the
company." Hopefully it won't come to that. I think, to be on the safe
side, I am not going to accept a lift for a little while, just to be on the
safe side.
It's not the uncertainty of a rule that
doesn't exist. I am scared of being judged by HR or being thought of as being
in the wrong. I don't do conflict. I don't want to be doing something wrong. If
I am unintentionally causing conflict, I would prefer to stop doing the thing
that someone else does not like.
**********************************************************************************
I spoke to two people on the shop floor
(unintentionally) about being upset by what Amy said. There is one of the older
manufacturers, Tracey, who noticed I was upset. She is very nice, but can be a
little bit tough. She understands that I struggle with things as her son’s wife
has anxiety. She called Darren over, as she knows Darren is like an uncle to me
and I told them I was scared I was unintentionally doing something wrong based
on the conversation with Amy, as I do not always understand if something I have
done has a negative connotation, if it has a positive denotation. One of them
told Steve to talk to me and I explained to him the conversation with Amy. He
understood straight away why I had gotten upset. He explained that he has never
said he had an issue of any kind when he offers me a lift home and he says he
knows I don’t expect it and that I am grateful. He said when we get into his car,
we are not manager and employee, but we are friends. He made things feel a little
less scary. He said he would talk to Amy as to why she was questioning me
getting lifts and telling me that I needed to be grateful, when Steve and
Philippa know that I am grateful, but I told him not to, because I do not want
to create a negative interaction with Amy, as I do feel very scared of her now,
and I have to sit next to her.
*********************************************************************************
Okay, so it is the next day and Amy didn’t
speak to me all day, which was good, but it also made the office feel uncomfortable
and tense. She purposely went out of her way to speak in a very over the top
way to other colleagues. I don’t want to be involved with petty office politics
or drama. I hate people who constantly have to have drama in their life. All I
want is to get away from all of the bad things and just have a quiet, peaceful
life. Even if that means, now, that I have to be alone forever, as wanting to
have a partner is apparently wrong, crazy and a fairytale if I want it, but it
is acceptable for everyone else to have it. I just want to be away from people
who always want things and expect things from me or others. I have never had an
ulterior motive behind any friendship or relationship. I just care about the person
I am with and I want them to be okay. I don’t ask for anything else in return,
just to hear from them and know they are okay, but that is wrong for Josette.
There is always one rule for Josette and one rule for everyone else. Even the
person who said that everyone else said I was too much, but I wasn’t for them,
they created even more Josette rules. So is it that it is okay for everyone
else to get lifts to work, but not me? Is it okay for everyone else to meet up
with a colleague outside of work, but not me? Is it okay for everyone else to
be treated as a top communication priority in a relationship, but not me? Is it
okay for everyone else to see their partner more after six months of knowing
each other, but not me? Is it okay for everyone else to live with their partner
and get married, but not me? I really don’t understand what I am doing wrong
all of the time.
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