Rob gave me a cuddly, yellow chick yesterday. It is the softest, most cuddly plushie I have ever felt. I can’t upload a photo from my phone, but I will try to add it on here from my laptop sometime. I couldn’t stop cuddling her. I named her Sunny, influenced by her bright yellow colouring and cheerful expression. This kind gesture of gifting her to me, instead of throwing her out, meant so much to me. I gave him the biggest of hugs and this gesture and this plushie have actually helped my sensory autism overwhelm burnout more than anything. Last night, for the first time in longer than I can remember, I was able to bring myself to do something. I had a bath. I actually felt like doing something. Then, I had a successful meeting with a new supplier, by myself, without my manager helping me. Then, when I got home today, I cleared out the fridge and took the rubbish and all of the recycling down to the communal bins. I still haven’t been able to bring myself to do much, but it was a start. I am still struggling and staring at the wall, but baby steps.
There is a huge rant that I really want to make about how the dumbest person at work thinks that her connotation of the word “immature” is the same as the denotation of the word, when it is in fact the opposite, yet she is somehow leading an uprising within the manufacturers, despite also being the youngest, as well as the dumbest and more immature. People in their 50d are listening to a dumb child.
Then there is the rant about stupid people complaining that social media accounts are full of content that they do not want to consume. Social media presents you with content that it thinks you want to consume based solely on what you engage with, even if you only click on it to see what it is. I was only able to have Instagram for around three months before I had to delete it for my personal safety, but I was only ever recommended plushie pictures and accounts of women with the same type of sensory autism that I have, who cannot cope when plans change, people change, losing contact with anyone and knowing that every single things that happens every day changes a person’s personality, so if you don’t have regular communication with someone they become a complete stranger to you and you have to learn to get to know them all over again. Then the only other experiences online I have are YouTube, where my recommendation list is tarot videos, art videos, free public domain audio books and dungeons and dragons type videos. When I had LinkedIn the only content I saw were from electronics companies talking about the global scarcity of certain lines and the effects the new global shipping routes are having on sales, a few solicitors, but it was mostly posts from the publishing industry, following my subscription to some small publishing companies newsletters. When people complain about inappropriate videos, news articles, influencers and articles they can’t stand, stop engaging with them. The joy of the internet is that you can personalise it to exactly what you want to see. I miss having the contact with the few friends that I had on Instagram. I loved that whenever I felt down or was made to feel not worthy or not good enough to communicate with, I could open a website filled with everything I wanted it to be. There were Jellycat collectors, Charlie Bears enthusiasts, Build a Bear creators, people who only collected plushies of a certain colour, there were sensory autistic women who posted fantasy stories they liked, fabrics that were sensory safe, collections they were making, small little milestones that they had achieved, things that they had learnt about friendships and relationships that were really helpful to me. I can’t have that anymore because certain Gen-Z and people who act like they are Gen-Z when they are much older, made it unsafe for me. My point is, why are people so stupid? You can like what you like and social media will just show you these things. If you don’t like something, don’t engage in it.
Back in 2017, I used to have a quote on my desk that I got while on holiday with my partner. It said, “Do what you love, with the people who make you happy.” I think the world would be a much nicer place.
I wish that I could create my ideal little bubble. Nothing super fancy or anything expensive or special. I just want a job similar to what I do now, but at a company that doesn’t keep inventing new rules every week based on immature rules of primary school, or taking away the human rights of single people. I would want to find someone who actually wants to settle down and have a quiet, cosy relationship, without drama, who doesn’t still act like a teenager. Just a simple, quiet, calm life, where I can read books in peace, go to sleep without people next door or downstairs blasting the TV until midnight (I currently cannot sleep, because the man below me is watching TV), where I can write stories, have my teddies with me, enjoy cuddles and not have to worry about the world outside. I want to do what I love, with the people who make me happy.
Here is Sunny with Snuffles (in his new hoodie from Uncle Darren!)
