I really wanted to post a nice, little post about the pretty flowers that I bought myself yesterday, and the spell candle that I wanted to do, but I am really frustrated.
I keep having a bot view my blog a lot. It is the same computer, using a VPN to scramble the location. It uses Chrome and alternates from Windows to Macintosh. 90% of my blog’s bot views are this same machine. It will appear 125 times in one day, with 64 views being from a Mac, and 61 views being from Windows, on average. The bot always starts right after a view from an iPhone, using Safari, and a VPN based in Belgium.
I really do hope that it isn’t who I think it is. I really did hope that we could be friends. I have no way of reaching out to him, and he has probably a new partner now and doesn’t want another friend, especially not a female friend.
Well, I had hoped to do something with my creative writing, but now I know that I can’t. I guess I have no choice but to not use my blog ever again. I finally get rid of one ex-partner, and now I am potentially being spied on by another. I really, really, really hope that it isn’t him, but in case it is:
Please,
leave me alone. I leave you alone, so please, leave me alone. I have no way of
contacting you, or spying on, or sabotaging your life. So please stop. I do not
know what your problem is, or why you take everything that I say the wrong way,
and lash out at me for writing a fictional piece of humour writing, to cheer
myself up. I did not break up with you because you wanted to better yourself,
be more independent or move too far away. I broke up with you, because I was
hurting so much, from the lack of respect, lack of communication and no
relationship stability. I only ever wanted the bare minimum for a relationship,
and we were far from that. I broke up with you because you were no longer the
person that you were when I first met you. You were no longer the person that I
fell in love with. Yes, you are allowed to grow and change, which is why I
needed to let you go. I need you to be with someone who you will actually show
up for, I may have been once, but I was no longer good enough for you.
For a reminder, I am not Gen-Z.
I do not know or understand how Gen-Z use social media or blogs. I do not know if
spamming lots of bot views onto someone you hate is how immature people handle
breakups, but please stop. I use the internet like a Millennial, because news
flash, I am one! I used social media like a Millennial. I know that you and your
Gen-Z immature group of people find it hard to believe, but I am not causing
any harm to anyone in treating my little corner of the internet like I am still
on MySpace, and liking every single cat picture and plushie photos from my
bestie, like Twitter is still a thing and the year is 2020. I have no social
media accounts. I have no way of looking you up online to obsessively see you
living your best life, so please stop doing that to me. I never reached out
emailing or texting you, when I wanted to, because I genuinely wanted to know
if you were okay.
I am still very offended and
hurt from your last message, where you misinterpreted nine whole months of
knowing me, were going to phone me to make me cry right before going to sleep,
but because my phone was already on Sleep mode, you left a very immature, hurtful
message instead. I have never been after attention, from you or from anyone you
know. I do things for me, to help keep me in a good space mentally. There is no
ulterior motive behind it.
Again, I am not Gen-Z,
nor do I act like it. I am 35 years old for Pete’s sake. Just like what I said
in my blog post to my Peter Pan, the same goes for you, James Hook. Contrary to
your belief, I do not need you. I never needed you to get through life.
I can get through the terribly difficult times at work, without you. I can fill
my weekends with things to do, without you. I can complete hobbies, without you.
The only time where I needed you, was for the things that you wanted to do that
I couldn’t do and hated to try… those are the things that would make me feel
unwell for a day or two afterwards. I wanted you to be happy. I always wanted
you to be happy. I still want you to be happy. But in order for you to be happy,
I did not want to live every single day feeling worthless and more lonely than
being alone. I do not feel worthless being alone. I do not feel lonely being
alone.
I do not need you, James Hook.
I left you alone from the 16th April, so please leave me alone.
I hope that I am wrong with this, I really do. I really want to be a part of
your life somehow. The thought of never hearing from you ever again, never
knowing of you are okay, truly okay, not the surface level okay that you like people
to believe, hurts. I want to hold onto you really, really tightly, and not let
go.
I guess I am going to have to finally get rid of my blog then. It wasn’t good
enough to remove it from search engines and change the blog entry. I don’t
understand what I’m doing wrong. I try really hard every single day to spread
happiness and positivity to everyone that I interact with, but so much bad stuff
just seems to be happening right now. I could do without all this too. Why is
it one rule for Josette and one rule for everyone else? Why is everyone else
allowed everything that I want? They all have so much more than I could ever
want. I just want the smallest, basic of things… a job, where I am treated
equally, to live in my maisonette without being accused of rigging the meters
because I live alone and do not consume as much gas, electricity and water as a
couple would, to have a partner who treats me with respect and communicates consistently
– why is that all too much to ask for?
- Josie -
