Today was even worse

I have wasted two days holiday and I only get 13. Today I had the opticians and I wish that I never went. It essentially costed me £130 for a check up that I didn’t need. I knew my eye sight hadn’t altered, so from now on, I am going to do what I had bee doing and not go unless I know I need to.

I wish that I was allowed to send this email to Specsavers:

I made sure that all of my details were up to date when I booked the appointment. I selected that I didn’t want the additional testing, which costs more. Then, when I got there, they said they needed to update all of my details. They asked if I needed the additional testing. I very quietly said, “No thank you.” My appointment was at 10:25am. At 10:35am they took me for the additional eye health testing that I asked not to have twice. My anxiety was already high by then. Waiting in noisy areas, with lots of people coming and going, and having to constantly be alert in case someone is speaking to me, on top of struggling to understand a new voice and being made to have the additional testing that I didn’t ask for twice, that was a lot. Then at 11:45am I had my eye test. I feel so unlucky. The customer service assistant, from two years ago, who made me cry was now my optician. She said that my eyes are healthy. My prescription hasn’t changed, but my current glasses have the wrong astigmatism and they are so scratched that the glare coating has come off. She said I wouldn’t have to pay for the eye test, just the new frames and lenses, but this was only valid for this immediate appointment slot. I didn’t want the eye test waived. I wanted to pay for it, so that I could leave the shop, but now I was in a situation, where I couldn’t leave the shop.

The optician took me to the customer service person. The customer service person looked up my current frames and said they don’t manufacture them anymore. Then she said she was going to help me pick out a similar pair. She took me over to the frames and asked me which ones I looked at when I came in. I didn’t look at the frames when I came in, as I was instructed to sit down. Then she handed me a red pair that I didn’t like and said they were the closest to the ones I have now. I currently have Nathalia frames in pastel purple. These were a dark red and not similar to the shape of my square frames at all. I said, “Okay, thank you.” She asked me to try them on. I said, “No thank you.” She said I needed to try them on. I said, “No thank you. I won’t be able to see what they look like,” as I cannot see anything without my glasses on. She asked me if there were any frames that I liked. I didn’t get the chance to look. I wasn’t offered the option to look by myself. I didn’t get the option to pick any up to look at. I didn’t get the option to look at any other section than the pair that we were standing in front of. I didn’t want to be in the shop anymore. I just wanted to pay for the eye test, so that I could leave, but I wasn’t allowed to pay for my eye test, I was made to have new frames. As she said they no longer manufacture anything similar to my current frames I said, “If they are the only ones I will have to go with them.” With the discount of not having to pay for the eye test they did only come to £130, which is the cheapest opticians visit I have ever had. So it was essentially a £130 eye test, as I am not going to pick the glasses up when they are ready, because I will never wear them. Please, could you tell me if there is a way to cancel the glasses, so that someone doesn’t go through the effort of making something that I will not collect? Either that or I pick them up and put them directly into the glasses recycling bin next to the till and walk out.

Specsavers don't give you an appointment number or a code that relates to me as a person/customer. So, even if I could send the email, I couldn't identify that it was me. I can't have them email me back and say that they need to phone me to discuss it either. I don't know if I could even cope with emailing them back either. I just want the experience of today to just go away forever. It is 14:28 and I still haven't stopped crying yet.

 

- Josie -

Today Has Been Hard

Today has been so hard. There has been something that I really wanted to do, that I have been looking forward to since August. Aside from the half a day I took of work for a job interview and one for the doctors, today was the only other day I have taken off work all year, with my 13 days of annual leave running from January to December. I do not have a partner or a child, so I do not really qualify for holiday. Anyway, I had been really looking forward to today, until it came to last night. I barely slept. My anxiety has kept me awake since just after 3:30am. I knew I couldn’t do it, but I managed to get myself out of my maisonette at 5am. I got more than three quarters of the way there and I just couldn’t do it. It was too hard for me to try without you. I don’t want you to think that I am codependent on your existence to do things. I can go to work, pay my council tax every month, pay my utility bills every month, do my food shopping weekly… I can do all of that without you. It’s just the interacting bit of life that I really struggle with. Now I have done one of those talking therapies and discovered that it is far more complicated that autism and anxiety alone and even with many years of expensive therapy, there is a possibility that I can’t do it on my own. Having you was like having crutches or a wheelchair. You wouldn’t tell someone who uses crutches or who needs a wheelchair to get around that they aren’t allowed to be dependant on them, it is wrong to rely on them and they must be independent. I don’t need you to do daily things. But for the things that any autistic people struggle with, then layer my anxiety on top of that and a whole bunch of bad upbringing, the concept of rules and both physical and mental abuse, I need help in certain situations. Not just anyone’s help… I need you.

You made some of the things that terrify me so much that I go mute, not easy, but having you there made it so that even if I did go mute, I could still try. You made me not struggle as much. And you never judged me for it… well, even if you did mentally, you didn’t verbally. You never got angry with me, or frustrated with me. You helped me. And you loved me. Or at least that was what you showed me, and that’s all that matters to me. You did the things that no body else ever did. And you made me excited to want to do things. Like today. There was something that I have been excited about for months… but it was too much for me and I couldn’t do it.

This entire year has been so horrible. My entire year was ruined on 1^st January, when I saw the video of you with another woman. It hurt so much. Then the next day, when you told me that you were essentially a different person to the person that I met hurt even more… and you did it right after you told me there was nothing to worry about and that what I was upset about from the day before (although I didn’t tell you what I saw) wasn’t what you wanted, and you wanted us. Then the next day, you didn’t want any of the things you told me that you wanted when we first met. You started acting different. I can’t even write down any of it, because I am already too upset.

Then there have been all of the problems that I have been having at work. It is impossible to get another job. I am going to be put on an agency contract in less than two months too, so who knows whether I will still be employed the day after, because the whole point of putting everyone on an agency contract is to take away employee rights, which I only just got yesterday, having been at the company two years, so that they can sack you on the spot and have you replaced with someone else the next morning.

Then there was the mentally abusive, controlling friend. I think having him in my life stopped my brain from finding as much time to grieve over losing you. I know that was partly his intention, but now I am free from him, I know it has been six and a half months, but I haven’t stopped loving you. And now it feels even harder. Knowing it is your birthday soon as been really hurting too… because that’s another special thing that I can’t share with you. I even bought you a present for your birthday at the beginning gif the year. I found it when I was sorting out my gifts for people cupboard. I tried to finish my Christmas shopping today, so that cupboard is full now. I really should donate it, along with the things you left at mine and the things you gave me, but I haven’t found the strength to let go just yet. I thought about posting your hoodie to your parents’ house for you, but I didn’t want to make you unintentionally angry and lash out at me and then me feel suicidal all over again. But I don’t want you to think that I didn’t think about returning it to you.

I never, ever wished any ill will towards you. I just want you to be happy. I really wished it was with me, but I am being selfish to hold onto that thought. You deserve to be happy, and with someone who shares your same future wants. Maybe you do still want what you said you wanted when we first me, it just wasn’t with me, and that’s what caused you subconsciously to change. I still miss the you who you were when we first met. He still is, and always will be, my favourite person.

I’m too old. I’m over halfway to dead. I can’t have the thing that I want in life. Not because they will never happen and I will never find someone, although I do 100% believe that I am just not the right person for anyone, but because it is too late. Too much time has passed for the things that I want. I’m never going to have a day where I can say to someone, “We have been each other’s lives longer than we have been apart.” I can never experience that. I’m past halfway to dead. Unless scientists invent a way to prolong life, it’s too late. There are certain anniversaries that I can never have. People who grow up with parents who stay together and in an environment where you weren’t constantly shouted at and hit every time you spoke when you weren’t spoken to or wanted to do something other than sit in front of the television, you don’t realise how good you had it. I just want to be loved, feel safe, be equal to my partner and be respected. I’m not asking for a lot. I just want to be treated with kindness and have my thoughts, feelings and aspirations matter.

I want this year to be over with. I’m sick of all of the bad things that keep happening. I’m sick of all of the bad things that just keep happening in general. I don’t even mention most of them, and even then I still get a certain someone’s spiteful, “You sound crazy, get help.” Jump off a cliff.

I didn’t even post the post that I thought would make you unintentionally angry and you still doubled the bots. Well, you want something to get angry over, here is the post that I was never going to post that I wrote on Tuesday, when I needed to get some frustrated thoughts out of my head:  present to you, The Queen of Mean.

I am done being nice. I have a Queen of Mean story idea that I have wanted to write for three years, but now, this post is me finally leaning into that Queen of Mean energy.

I am sick of being a magnet to mentally abusive people. Maybe it is just emotionally immature people, the people who want people to suffer, call them crazy, or maybe it is just Scorpios, because I only ever seem to have problems with Scorpios. The Aries I dated left me alone. In fact, the Aries is the one person that I wish I still had contact with, after all this time.

To the first on my list – I had to send him a message telling him to leave me alone, because he was still making my health all about him. I tried to stay quiet and just ignore him, but you Scorpios are relentless with the mental abuse and needing control over people. Just because you aren’t dictating what I wear, who I talk to or where I go does not mean you aren’t being controlling. That is the first ever time I have actually confronted the person who is making me suicidal with how their mentally abusive actions are harming me. I told him, “’m not physically or mentally well and need to be left alone. Stop making my mental and physical wellbeing about you! Your messages are mentally abusive, controlling and completely tone deaf! I would never go to a restaurant even if I was well! You know nothing about sensory autism and anxiety. If you are typing to make me suicidal, you are going the right way about it. I need to be left alone!” And it actually worked. He replied, “OK,” and has since left me alone.

The next two are the two of you. I was going to be nice, but as the Queen of Mean, I will name you Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Duh!

Do you think I am stupid? I may only have a 136 IQ, I am no Sherlock Holmes, and I am definitely no match for your intelligence, but I’m not stupid. 154 IQ doesn’t scare me. And I like to play games too.

Which one of you do I start with? We’ll start with the one who instantly sprung to mind when I heard Dove Cameron’s new single, “Do the Math.” Why? Because I wish I had written that song about you. There isn’t another song that sums you up better. And you think that your VPN is hiding you? I know who you are. I know your patterns probably better than your wife. You’re predictable. Really predictable. And now I can hear Andrew Scott’s Moriarty saying, “Boring,” in my head, right after I said predictable. I thought you’d appreciate that little reference. It amuses me that out of all of the countries you could have picked, you chose The Netherlands, as it is the closest in spelling to Neverland. You really are Peter Pan in so many ways. Refusing to let go. Refusing to leave me alone. Refusing to grow up. Not realising how much time has actually passed. I know your pattern. I know your phone. I know your proximity. I know the posts that you linger on – even the new ones. I asked you to leave me alone. You might not comment the lines from the Dove Cameron song anymore, but I know you are there. It’s creepy. It’s weird. There is no logic behind it. Are you that emotionally immature that you think you are being clever or that you have one up over me? Because you are very clearly demonstrating that I’m very lucky to not be with you. And I feel sorry for your wife and child, because they are stuck with an emotionally immature person. And relationships with immature men never last. You can be Peter Pan and not grow up in spirit, but when you are that immature, there is a reason why a woman chooses to keep a friend after marriage and doesn’t get rid of all of her friends and only become friends with your friends’ wives. I’ll let you figure out the why.

Then we move on to you. Now you’re even more emotionally immature. Wishing someone else would suffer, because they couldn’t cope with your controlling disposition, lack of human decency and respect makes you sound like a 13-year-old schoolboy, who cannot process his emotions. And you picked Belgium of all places to hide behind. I know you and Peter Pan are similar, but did you really think I wouldn’t know it was you. Now, I wasn’t drawn to you because you are like Peter Pan, I was drawn to you, because you weren’t like him. Yet, here we are. Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumb copying one another, yet unaware of the other. You chose Belgium before I aligned you with the character James, who was my first “boyfriend” if you could call him that, and he was from Belgium. I dated you because you had the nice qualities that reminded me of him, so you really have aligned this so well. The interesting thing is how stupid you think I am.

We both know in this story intelligence is my game. You’re thinking like a Gen-Z. You’re thinking like a 13-year-old schoolboy. If you treat all of your relationships this way, you are going to end up old and alone. Everything can’t always be your way. Everything can’t always be about you. A partner isn’t someone who you ignore, and just bring out when you want to show off, like some sort of trophy. I was never your partner, just a teenage-style girlfriend. Newsflash, you’re less than a week away from being halfway to dead. Treat your partners like a partner. If you can’t, do not engage in a relationship with anyone ever again, because I do not want you hurting anyone else.

Now, back to my question… how stupid do you think I am? It’s really not that hard. The bot views had an American VPN, use one machine that splits in two – half Windows, half Mac. Then there was a small lull and it stopped, before being run singularly through one machine and from your phone. Running Chrome from a phone that isn’t a Google phone doesn’t make it Chrome. It’s CriOS, doofus! (You wouldn’t get the Moriarty reference. My humour is wasted on you).

Why? Why do it? What is the purpose of running my blog through AI? I don’t understand what you think you are doing. Do you think it is causing me to suffer, as I know you like to word it? Do you think you are removing the UK’s automatic copyright laws by making AI read my writing? Do you think the bots are copying my creative writing? Stealing it? Duplicating it? Do you think I don’t know it is bot views? Do you think I am so stupid that I think the views are real? Do you think I am excited to see lots of random, non-interactive bot views, but am not using Google Analytics to see that the only views that exist are you on your phone using a Belgium VPN and Peter Pan doing the exact same thing, but with a Netherlands VPN? Yes, I don’t know your patterns as well as his, but I am learning them. You are both creatures of habit. I know the times to expect you, the posts you will open, the posts you will ignore, the posts that you will reread over and over like you are looking for some hidden meaning or think that you have one up on me, while you sit there in angry mode or revenge plotting mode, when all I have done is used experience to write an innocent poem.

Figuring out who is who, when you’ll appear, which posts you will engage in is the easy part. Figuring out the why is the hard part. Is this some kid of malicious act of revenge you think you are winning in your heads? Is it because neither of you can cope with the fact that you aren’t controlling me anymore? It was always a control thing with both of you, wasn’t it? Do you think that just because you aren’t controlling what I wear, who I communicate with or where I go that your actions aren’t controlling? I find it all highly amusing. In fact, I find it so amusing that I’m going to go back through this rant and play a game with it. I was thinking I was going to play this like Sherlock, but Moriarty is much more fun! I think I have decided, I like being the Queen of Mean. Why be nice, if everyone is just going to treat me badly? Why not play the game that you all seem to be playing.

That’s done. Okay, this is fun. If you two want to be childish and play games – let’s play. There’s a lot I have just added to this. I used to say, “When having a heart of gold isn’t good enough, write your own happily ever after,” which Is what I lived by for the past seven years. All I wanted was a tiny little piece of what everyone else expects from a relationship. Not money, not gifts, not to go places or spend time together every single day. I wanted to feel loved, safe and to be building towards a life together. Now… now all of that is over. When having a heart of gold isn’t good enough, pull a page out of Mary Shelley’s book. King Valder has been dethroned and Peter Peterson is due to be hanged in the town square. Enjoy your happily never after boys!

 

- Josie -