Confessions of a Waitress: Part 3 of 3

(Josie Sayz: Okay, so this is my final part of my ‘Confessions of a Waitress’ mini-series. As with the previous two, all of these things happen on a regular basis. And if you missed the previous two, you can find ‘Confessions of a Waitress: Part 1 of 3’ here: https://josiesayz.blogspot.co.uk/2016/12/confessions-of-waitress-part-1-of-3.html and ‘Confessions of a Waitress: Part 2 of 3’ here: https://josiesayz.blogspot.co.uk/2016/12/confessions-of-waitress-part-2-of-3.html. As with the previous entries, the restaurant’s name has been changed to ‘Fin Finish’. I hope that you think twice about doing some of the things on these lists after reading them.)

Phoning up the restaurant to ask, “Are you open today?” The following happens daily: A customer phones up the restaurant. I answer the phone, “Good afternoon, ‘Fin Finish’ Shirley. How can I help?” To which we get instantly asked, “Are you open today?” Seriously, this is getting irritating now. Rather than wasting money/credit/minutes phoning up, just look online. Just type in the restaurant’s name into a search engine. Our website will be the first thing that pops up. ‘Fin Finish’ is open seven days a week. So, are you still wondering, “Are you open today?” You know what: No, I decided to come into work on my day off and open up the restaurant and waste the electricity/heating to just sit here all day beside the phone just in case it happens to ring, so that I can tell people that we are not open… of course we are open. We are open every day (except for Christmas Day) and you have just wasted my time with a stupid question when I could have been serving customers or taking drinks to a table, or relaying a table for waiting customers, or running food to a table before it goes cold, or clearing up a spillage before somebody slips, but no… you want to know if we are open.

Not listening to our reply when you ask, “Are you open today?” I understand that it may be confusing during the holiday seasons to know if your favourite place is going to be open or if there are reduced opening hours. We expect this, especially around Easter, Christmas and New Year, which is why during these time periods we answer the telephone as follows: “Good afternoon, ‘Fin Finish’ Shirley. We’re open 12pm until 10pm every day of the year, except Christmas Day. How can I help?” Why is that so difficult for over three-quarters of ringing customers to understand? Listen. Just listen and we will have answered most people’s questions. That way, you can avoid this:
Me: “Good afternoon, ‘Fin Finish’ Shirley. We’re open 12pm until 10pm every day of the year, except Christmas Day. How can I help?”
Customer: “Are you open?”
Me: “We’re open 12pm until 10pm every day of the year, except Christmas Day.”
Customer: “Yes, but are you open today?”
Me: “Yes… we are open.”
Customer: “When?”
Me: “We’re open 12pm until 10pm every day of the year, except Christmas Day.”
Customer: “So you’re open now?”
Me: “Yes.”
Customer: “And what time do you close.”
Me: “Ten.”
Customer: “And you are ‘Fin Finish’, the one in Shirley, right?”
Me: “Yes.”
Customer: “Okay – we might pop in tomorrow.”
And after all that, why on Earth would you then decide to come tomorrow instead? Why? What was the point of all of that? This is genuinely 75% of the constant phone calls every holiday season.

Another common phone conversation example of customers not listening. When you phone up the restaurant, we always answer with, “Good afternoon, ‘Fin Finish’, Shirley. How can I help?” We say ‘Shirley’ to let you know that you are through to the restaurant in the Shirley area, not one of our sister-restaurants (you will be surprised how often people phone the wrong restaurant and even reserve tables at the wrong restaurant through not listening to us when we answer the phone). Yet, this conversation happens far too often:
Me: “Good afternoon, ‘Fin Finish’, Shirley. How can I help?”
Customer: “Hello there Shirley…”
Me: “My name’s not Shirley. This is the restaurant in the Shirley area.”
Customer: “Yes Shirley, I would like to book a table…”

Trying to manipulate us into reserving you a table on non-reservation days. On days where all of the main meals are half price, the restaurant does not take reservations. The only time when a reservation will be accepted is if it were for a party of twenty or more, because this would take prior planning and organisation. To any group smaller than twenty, it is a walk-in service. Okay, so this particular example only happened to me once, but we get similar excuses every single day.
Me: “Sorry, we don’t take bookings on half price days, unless it’s a party of twenty or more.”
Customer: “But I’m bringing my elderly mother. She’s never been before.”
Me: “Sorry, but we don’t take booking on half price days, unless it’s a huge booking.”
Customer: “But my mum’s got cancer.”
Me: “… Sorry… but we still can’t take bookings unless it’s for a big party.”
Never use an illness to get you things. Rules are rules. I am terribly sorry for your situation, of course I am, but you should not be using your mother’s illness to get you something as petty as a table at a restaurant. This is just wrong.

Asking to come in before we open. It clearly states on three billboard signs in the carpark and the hanging sign as you enter the carpark that we open 12pm-10pm seven days a week. Staff members start work at 10:30am to sweep, disinfect and mop the floor and to set up the restaurant before opening. The insurance police does not permit customers being in the building before or after our opening times. The following conversation takes place most mornings when customers spot us inside the restaurant, cleaning before we open:
Customer: “Are you open?”
Me: “Sorry, not yet. We don’t open until 12.”
Customer: “But you’re working.”
Me: “Yes, I’m cleaning and setting up ready for when we open.”
Customer: “Can we come in then?”
Me: “No; we don’t open until 12.”
Customer: “Yes, but it’s cold outside and you’re already working.”
Me: *gets manager*
Manager: “Sorry, we don’t open until 12.”
Customer: “But you’re working.”
Manager: “We’re cleaning.”
Customer: “Can we come in then?”
Manager: “No; we don’t open until 12.”
Customer: “Yes, but it’s cold outside and you’re already working.”
Manager: “Sorry you’ll have to wait.”
Customer: *tries to push past manager*
Manager: “Sorry, you’ll have to wait.” *Locks door and closes all blinds, so you can’t see in and depending on how much you have angered the manager, they may purposely make you wait an extra couple of minutes before unlocking the door, for being so rude.* More than 95% of customers arrive by car anyway, so stay in your warm car and stop acting like it’s a first-come-first-serve-post-Christmas sale.

Asking how long the wait will be for a table on a busy day. Do you not realise how stupid you look, especially when you scream at us, “What do you mean you don’t know?” or shout abuse if we get the waiting time wrong. Okay, think of it this way: how long will it take your whole table to decide on what food to order? Depending on what you order depends how long it takes to cook. Are you going to have starters? If yes, you are going to be in the restaurant a whole lot longer than those who do not. If everyone were to order small cod and chips, the wait for food would be considerable shorter (it takes six minutes for a small cod to cook) compared to if everybody ordered steak pie (which takes fifteen minutes to cook). How long will it take not just you, but your entire table to eat? Will you want anything afterwards? How long will you want to wait after eating to just talk for a bit before ordering desserts or more drinks? What about if you want a drink after the dessert? How long will you want to stay talking after you’re finished? How about after receiving or paying for the bill – how long will you stay talking then? How do you expect us to guess how long it will be until a table becomes available if you do not know how long you are going to be?

Saying we are short staffed, just because the restaurant is busy. Unless the entire area decides to show up at the restaurant on a random day, we always have extra staff in on expected busy day. One night we had nine members of staff working, compared to our usual five and customers were still saying, “What’s wrong, are you short staffed?” because there was a waiting list for tables. No, we are not short staffed. The reason as to why there is a wait is because the majority of tables finished their meals over ten minutes ago, they have just decided to sit and talk afterwards. We cannot make customers leave once they have finished. If all twenty-eight tables wish to sit for three hours, I am afraid that there is nothing I can do. You would not want me to force you out of the door the second that you put your knife and fork down, would you?

When every meal on the menu is half price and you ask for, “Two half price meals.” Which meals? If you are not going to tell me which meal you would like, shall I tell the kitchen to make you whatever we sell the least of or whichever is most expensive? If you do not like it, then it is your fault.

When every meal on the menu is half price and you ask for, “The fish and chips that’s half price.” Everything on the menu is half price. I do work here; otherwise I would not be serving you. You do not have to tell me that it is half price. I am not stupid. Every single Monday and Tuesday every single meal on the menu is half price.

Asking for an offer that ended at 5pm after 5pm. No, you cannot. The offer is valid until 5pm for a reason. It would be like going somewhere on a Wednesday and asking for the ‘Sunday Special’. You cannot have it.

Asking at 6pm for an offer that does not start until 7pm. This is the same as the point above. No. What would the point be of having a start time for a particular offer, if anyone who asked was entitled to it at any time? The answer is no.

Handing me your baby’s dirty nappy. There are bins provided in the toilets and in the baby changing area. The bins are emptied regularly and toilet checks are carried out throughout the day. There has never been a point where all of the available bins have been full – so why do you persistently hand me your baby’s dirty nappy? I cannot place it in the bins with the food, I will have to go into the toilets, where you came from, and put the nappy in the bin that is right beside the baby changing facility. I just do not understand why people would do this? Next time you hand me your baby’s dirty nappy, would you like me to project, “Do you want me to take that back to the toilets and put it in the bin for you?”

After drying your hands on toilet tissue, you dispose of your rubbish in the clean cutlery area. This one gets me angry and it happens so often. I understand that some people dislike using the hand dryers provided in public toilets and you would rather dry your hands on toilet tissue. That is fine, but, please, dispose of your toilet tissue in the many bins provided in the toilets before you leave. Do not, under any circumstance, leave the tissue in the clean cutlery area as you pass by on the way back to your table. All of the cutlery now has to be re-washed and re-polished, this process can take over an hour. Not just that, but a waiter/waitress will have to stop serving tables and has to wash and polish all of that cutlery again, so there will be less staff members serving tables, which will mean that your service is slower for an entire hour… and you did this to yourself.

Finding fingernail clippings on/under the table. This is turning into a weekly find. Why would you go to a restaurant to cut your fingernails and toenails? Brushing them under them table does not make it any better. It’s unhygienic. It’s disgusting. Yet it happens all the time. If anyone can please fill me in on why this is a trending occurrence, I would love to know.

Finding an empty condom packet under the table. Although this is not as regular as the nail clippings, this has happened several times. I do not even want to know why, how or what it was doing under the table; I am just grateful that you took the used content with you.

Only ever writing bad reviews on ‘TripAdvisor’. Seriously, one review read something along the lines of, “We go there every single Monday and have been for the last three years since it opened. But last night was terrible. We had to wait over half an hour for a table, service was slow and it was full of kids.” Well 1) duh, it was a Bank Holiday Monday, of course it’s going to be busy and 2) you gave us a one star review based on one day when you have loved us every single time before, yet you have never given us a good review – not once. If all of the regular customers decided to write a bad review on a busy Bank Holiday but never, ever, ever write a good review, we would lose our reputation and eventually close down. Then you would be asking, “Why are you closing down? You’re ever so good.” And you will get the restaurant shut down; it happened to one of our sister-restaurants. Customers only reviewed the restaurant on a busy day, complaining that it was too full, too noisy, or they had to wait for a table. No one ever reviewed the lovely service or good quality food they received the times before, so the owner closed the restaurant down. Then everyone wondered why it had closed. Write a review every time you receive good service too, not just on the one busy day. Stating in your one star ‘TripAdvisor’ review that every other time you go to the restaurant it is five star, but never writing a five star review, does not count.

- Josie -

Confessions of a Waitress: Part 2 of 3

(Josie Sayz: Here is part two of three of my ‘Confession of a Waitress’ list. As before, these may seem ridiculous to some, but they happen every single day. If you missed ‘Confessions of a Waitress: Part 1 of 3’ you can find it here: https://josiesayz.blogspot.co.uk/2016/12/confessions-of-waitress-part-1-of-3.html. As with 'Part 1', the restaurant's name has been changed to ‘Fin Finish’.)

Ignoring all members of staff when entering the restaurant and sitting yourself down. No one will know that you are there. If the restaurant is incredibly busy, it is often difficult for waiters/waitresses to remember which table we have served and which table we have not. Also, members of staff are often made to take orders from tables in sections of the restaurant that they are not serving in, in order to help our struggling staff members. With various staff members coming and going from a section there is one golden rule that we have to follow to make sure that everyone is served. When a member of staff seats a customer to the table, they give you the menu. When a member of staff serves you, they must take away the menu, so other staff members know that you have been served. If you ignore all staff members and sit yourself down, you will not have a menu and it is highly likely (especially on busy days) that no one will serve you, because as far as they are aware, you have already been served, because you do not have menus.

Ignoring all members of staff when entering the restaurant and sitting yourself down on a reserved table. Not only does this cover the entire point made above, but if someone sat down on your reserved table you would not like it, would you? You would throw a fit, wouldn’t you? Start shouting abuse at the staff, wouldn’t you? Well then don’t do it.

Ignoring all members of staff when entering the restaurant and wandering around mindlessly looking for friends/family. The staff member who stands at the door ready to greet you has already seated the entire occupants of the restaurant. They know of (and have informed the waiter/waitress in specific sections) which tables are waiting for other members to join their party. If you just ask we will have you sat at your table in couple of seconds and you will not be disrupting the rest of the restaurant by pushing past their chairs for no reason.

Moving furniture. If you move a table, it may not seem like a big deal to you, but it is there for a reason. If you are a table of four, you do not move two tables of two together in an area that best suits you. You sit on a table of four, where one is available. If a table of four is not available, you wait. If the owner happens to check the CCTV cameras and sees you have moved a table or a chair and you are sat in my section of the restaurant, well let’s just say it is the last time I will be serving you or anyone. Moving furniture can make your waitress/waiter get sacked.

Pointing at something on the menu and ask if we serve it. This one is just self-explanatory: It would not be on the menu if we did not serve it, would it? Why would we put an item on the menu if we did not serve it? If we had ran out of something I would have told you when I handed you the menu.

Asking if we serve cod and chips. You have just walked into a traditional, British fish and chip restaurant, ‘Fin Finish’. Cod and chips is the first thing on the menu. It is in the largest font on the menu. There is a giant picture of it on the menu. As with the previous point, we serve it as it is on the menu.

Asking what is in a certain meal. You have already been looking over the menu for several minutes, I come over to take your order, you point to something on the menu and then ask, “What’s in that?” or “What does that consist of?” It tells you. The description is right there, next to the dish’s name. So do you know what happen when you ask this question? I will not tell you the answer; I will lean over your shoulder, point to the description and say, “There you are,” smiling to you as sweetly as I can, when really I want to hit you with your menu for wasting my time. You obviously have not read the menu yet, you are not ready to order, so in the future do not call me over to your table unless you are ready to order. I have other customers whom need my time, not just you.

Saying, “I’ve searched all over the menu and I can’t find the plaice. Where is it?” You have read the entire menu several times over and not found the plaice for a reason. We obviously do not sell plaice at this place.

Asking for, “A cheese burger without the cheese.” So you want a burger? A quarter pounder, a beef burger, a plain burger, the scotch-beef-burger-on-a-bun-with-chips if you want to read it precisely from the menu. But under no circumstance do I ever want to hear, “A cheese burger without the cheese.”

Asking if pickled onions are automatically served with fish and chips. No, no they are not. Where have you been where pickled onions automatically came with your fish and chips without having to ask for them? That would not be very wise of a restaurant if people did not like pickled onions, we would be wasting an awful lot of food. Nothing comes with the fish and chips other than fish and chips as it states on the menu. However, just because pickled onions do no automatically appear on your plate that does not mean that you cannot order a side dish of pickled onions.

Asking for things that are not on the menu. ‘Fin Finish’ serves traditional British fish and chips, along with several chicken options and burgers. The menu has been the same since the franchise opened over three years ago. The only thing that has been added to the menu is a hotdog, nothing has been taken away. So why is it that after looking over the menu for five-or-so minutes, when taking a table’s order do I often get asked for duck and egg fried rice? We do not sell it. We have never sold it. Please read the menu before you order.

Asking me where the rest of your order is when my hands are full. I can only carry three plates at a time. In case you cannot picture how this is so, with your dominant hand, you rest the first plate on your none-dominant arm, you place second plate on your none-dominant hand and then you pick the third plate up with your dominant hand. There isn’t anywhere else one can carry another plate. If you have ordered a smaller meal and a small side, I can often squeeze one side bowl on to the edge of the plate. Now you have pictured this task, how can I possibly carry the fourth person on your table’s meal and all side of your side plates and bowls? I am not an octopus, nor am I stupid. I know that not all of you table has their food. I am present at your table. I can see. Not only that, but when I was collecting your food from the kitchen there were more plates and bowls for your table. I will bring them over in the second (and possibly third) journey.

Saying, “That’s not mine.” You ordered cod and chips and a bowl of mushy peas, as I stated in the previous point, I can only carry three plates at a time. You have your cod and chips in front of you. That is what you ordered. I will be back with your bowl of mushy peas when I bring the rest. Never, ever say to your waiter/waitress, “That’s not mine,” if your only problem is that not all of your order has arrived, because you could be left with no meal at all if your server takes the plate back into the kitchen, because you have just told them that it is not yours. Of course, if you have ordered southern fried chicken and chips and you are given cod by mistake, then yes, you can say, “That’s not mine,” and your problem will be sorted in seconds, but if that is your food and you are just waiting for your side bowl of mushy peas to arrive then do yourself a favour and not utter those words.

Asking me for a refill when I have my hands full. Whether you call me over to your table or wave your empty glass in my face as I walk past you, if I am carrying a huge stack of plates what do you expect me to do? Can you not politely wait until I return? What do you expect me to do? Do you want me to grow another arm, leave the other table’s dirty plates on your table while I go and refill your drink or would you rather me drop all of the plates on the floor, leave the smashed mess and go and refill your drink for you? Your drinks are unlimited self-service refills, so rather than wait for me to come back and watch me refill your drink at a refill station that is five paces away (when you are clearly capable of doing so) why not use the self-service drinks machine yourself or just wait until I have my hands free.

Not listening to me. Do not assume that the very first thing your waitress/waiter is going to do after you have finished your meal is to force you into having anything else or desserts. We are not trying to steal your money from you by making you purchase more than you already have – especially if you have been rude or spiteful, we would be happy for you to leave. My job is to make sure that you enjoy your meal and your service. The following conversation happens multiple times an hour every single day, is incredibly irritating and makes your waiter/waitress think that you are an incredibly rude person and will possibly severely dislike you upon your next visit:
Me: “Was everything okay with your meal?”
Customer: “No, just the bill.”
Me: “Why, what was wrong?”
Customer: “Nothing; everything was fine.”
Me: “Would you like anything else?”
Customer: “I already told you no.”

Placing the bill in front of a person on the table does not mean I assume that person is going to play the bill. When you ask for the bill, I will either place the check book in front of the person who asks for it or whoever acknowledges me when I bring it over. If you are a table of eight, how can I possibly place the bill in front of all of you? No matter where I place it, it is still going to be closer to one person. Please do not behave aggressively towards me because of this.

Lying. This could be about anyone or anything. Customers continually lie daily, whether it is to try and claim a free meal, a discount or a coupon, your persistent lying can come with a consequence. There are security cameras everywhere. If you lie and say your waiter/waitress left you sat for ages before seeing to you, it is checked on CCTV. Why? Because you could get your waiter/waitress sacked – if you complain that service is slow, it will be even slower if you get every person who waits on your table sacked for no reason, as there will be no staff left in the restaurant. Please remember that your waiter/waitress is a person too, who needs their job to pay their rent and bills, just like you. How would you like it if I showed up where you work and made up a load of lies about you to try and get free stuff and you got sacked because of it. Think twice next time before you lie. Oh and just to give you a heads up, we recognised persistent complainers and we check your complaints back against CCTV. When you complain a second or third time and then complain again when you do not receive a voucher or a free meal, it is because we have caught you lying on camera.

- Josie -

Confessions of a Waitress: Part 1 of 3

(Josie Sayz: Confession number one, I’m a waitress. These are all real examples that have happened to me. Most of these confessions occur multiple times a day, let alone week. Some of them are just things that really annoy me and other waiters/waitresses whom work at (what I shall be referring in my examples as) ‘Fin Finish’. Some of the other confessions are things that I honestly can’t believe some people actually do or say; it’s shocking.)

Signalling for the bill. Whether you are scribbling your hand in the air as though you are holding an invisible pen or if you press your palms together and open them up, impersonating a cheque book, it’s annoying. When I first started working as a waitress I didn’t even know what these weird hand gestures meant. I understand the origins now, but it still makes no sense. Why can’t you just ask me for the bill? Is that so difficult?

Whispering for the bill. Although not as bad as the previous one, why must you whisper? Everyone knows that someone on your table has to pay the bill; it’s no big secret. It will be obvious that you are about to pay the bill when I bring the cheque book to the table, so why the secrecy?

Waving your debit/credit card at me. Guess what? I can wave too. I can see you have a debit/credit card – so what? If you want to pay by debit/credit card for your bill, why don’t you just ask me for the card machine? Or pay with your debit/credit card at the till, which you have to walk past in order to leave.

Handing me your debit/credit card inside the cheque book. If you hand me the cheque book, I’m going to assume that there is money inside and you want me to take it to the till for you and bring you back the change. What use would handing me your debit/credit card be? I take the cheque book off you and go to the till only to find out that you want the card machine. Why couldn’t you just ask for it? I don’t know your pin number, do I? Now with contactless payment options, do you know how many times I’ve thought: ‘What if I charge them the full £30 contactless charge, then walk over to their table with the card machine and get them to pay for their bill – just to teach them a lesson for being so mindless.’ I would never do such a thing, but what’s stopping the dishonest worker from doing so? And you would be completely unaware (unless/until you checked your statement) that the restaurant had even done it.

Handing me your cheque book as you are about to leave. If you are paying by money and do not want your change, please, do not hand me the cheque book whilst I am serving another table or cleaning a table. You have to walk past the till on your way out – why not leave it there? If you hand it to me, I will hastily walk past you and either leave it at the till (just as you could have done) or stand in the que like everyone else to prove a point to you. If you are in a rush, I understand that, you can leave the cheque book on the table. The money is not going to get eaten by the teapot or the salt shaker. Another table is not going to steal your money – 1) we have cameras at all angels of the restaurant and 2) your table is surrounded by other tables – someone would see. If you were worried about someone stealing your money, take it straight to the till.

Don’t call me, “My love.” It’s that simple; just don’t do it. I respect all who enter the restaurant and call men, “Sir,” and women, “Madam,” so could you show me a bit of respect too? I am not your love and I don’t like the idea of you calling me that in front of your wife either. The term, “My love,” is something only my partner can call me, not some stranger that I’ve just met. It’s creepy and wrong and just don’t do it.

Don’t call me, “Sweet, little girly.” Just because you are over eighty years old, it doesn’t mean that you can treat everyone younger than you like they are five years old. I’m twenty-five. Do you have any idea how awkward and uncomfortable that is and to have the table sat next to you start sniggering and laughing at me too… just stop. Please stop. Or do you want me to start calling you, “Sweet, old deary.”

Don’t call me, “Bab.” This one is a huge pet-peeve of mine. Do you actually know what you are saying? Do you know what the word means? Bab was the name given to the youngest pig in the litter. I’m clearly not the youngest, nor am I a pig. So, please, do not call me, “Bab,” ever again.

Taking the mick out of my voice. Now this one is just plain rude. If I took the mick out of you or your voice, you would demand to speak to the manager immediately, make me apologise and tell the manager I deserve to be sacked. So why is it that you think it’s okay to take the mick out of me? It’s so childish, yet most of the time males between the age of 50 and 70 years do it. Why? Yes I have a squeaky voice – having laryngitis three times and having to speak to customers constantly for ten hours a day with hardly anything to drink doesn’t help matters either. I am an extremely self-conscious individual with low self-esteem issues. I’m surrounded by people like you for 40-50 hours (or more) a week, giving me abuse as it is for stuff that has nothing to do with me, so you mimicking my damaged voice box really does not make me feel better about myself.

Not using your manners. From infancy you are brought up to say please and thank you (or at least I was). Just because I am waiting your table that does not mean that you can forget your manners. Just because I am younger than you does not mean that you don’t have to say please. Just because you have had a bad day does not mean that you can scowl at me or snatch from me. You say please and thank you. The amount of times I have had to bite my tongue, so that I didn’t say, “Please?” or “Thank you?” in the way my mother used to do to me when I was three years old, training me to use my manners. Just a little note to those of you out there who don’t use your manners when I am serving you, if you fail to say please or thank you, I will take my time sending your order through to the bar and kitchen.

Asking me to clap my hands when carrying plates. Why? Why do you always feel the need to do this? I have just collected all four of your dinner plates and your side plates and bowls and some of you are even stupid enough to pile your teacups and wine glasses higher onto the plates’ pile… then you ask me to clap my hands. Well the customer is always right, aren’t they? Does that mean you want me to drop all of the plates (possibly dropping/smashing them off your head) and clap my hands for you? That sounds like a bloody mess if you ask me. Would you stick around to clean up all of the smashed crockery and to wipe your blood off the table? You know, I’m starting to think this might be a bad idea – I don’t know about you. But just in case… just in case you stupidly ask me to do just that, I’ve devised a way of carrying plates, so that I can clap my fingers together at least. “Show off,” you laugh – no, I’m not a show off. I’m just doing exactly what you asked me to and the customer is always right.

Don’t say, “Aren’t you going to take our order?” This question is horrible. To me, it is stating that I can’t do my job properly. However, I can spot which customer is going to say this straight away. You will sit down and I’ll hover nearby filling up condiments or folding napkins to see if you are ready to order, you clearly aren’t. Some of your table are just looking over the menu for the first time, asking someone else what they would recommend, whilst someone else is asking you if Jilly had a nice birthday and Margret hasn’t even taken her coat off yet. The table next to you, who came in after you is ready to order. I take their order. Leaving their table, you wave your hand in my face shouting, “Aren’t you going to take our order?” I was already going to pass by your table next and ask you if you were ready or would like a few more minutes. You say you are ready and insist that I stay, however no one other than you has any idea what they would like. I end out standing by your side (often for over ten minutes) whilst one person decides what they want and everyone else talks about Margret’s new jumper that she bought from the market stall last Tuesday. You are not the only table that I need to serve. You are not my only customers.

Asking, “Have you had a smashing day?” after I drop a glass. I have just dropped one glass. It’s not the end of the world. No, I haven’t dropped one previously to this one. I have not had a smashing day. In fact my day is getting worse because I have just dropped a glass and you are taking the mick out of me. So no, in answer to your stupid question I am not having a smashing day.

Asking, “Have you had a smashing day?” after hearing the previous tables say it to me. This is just pathetic. I have dropped a glass. One glass. The table closest to me just asked that question. You heard them. The next table asked the same question, you heard them. So why when I pass your table must you ask me the exact same thing? Do you not think that I feel bad enough having dropped a glass and the previous two tables took the mick out of me? Yet you feel the need to as well. You couldn’t even come up with something original – you just recycle the joke you heard twice already.

Asking me if I remember something that happened before I was born. I know I said that I don’t like being treated like I am five, but when customers do this it is almost as bad. If a song from the 1950s plays on the jukebox, chances are I will know what song it is and who sang it, what I don’t know is what the town centre looked like the year that the singer performed that song at the Town Hall or what year it was number one in the charts and whom it stole the top spot from. Do you know why? – because I was not born then. It is obvious. I look even younger than I actually am, so why would you even think to ask me? Oh, I know why, so you can add some stupid comment, like, “Oh, you wouldn’t know anything about it – the youth of today,” and then laugh at me. Just because I am younger than you, does not mean that I do not appreciate music from the fifties – a lot of my favourite songs were from the fifties and sixties. I like that sort of music and if you were to ask me, you would find that I am quite knowledgeable of the music, the fashion and hobbies from back then. Of course I do not know what the Town Hall looked like back then or how many miles you had to travel, but don’t take the mick out of my age and intelligence just because I was not born then.

- Josie -