25 April 2025

Dream (AH) - 02.04.2025

(This is a dream that I had weeks ago, but I haven’t been able to find the time to write it. Life is too busy. How do people have time to look after their children? I don’t even have the time to breathe. I wake up at 5am, leave the house for work at 6:15am, start work at 7:30am, leave work at 4pm, get home at 5:15pm, I do life admin for around an hour, I eat food and then it is time for bed. Anyways, I finally used some time, that I shouldn’t have done, to get some writing done. Do with that what you will.)

 

Caitlyn sunk in her seat. Staring at a knot in the wood of her desk, the classroom around her blurred into a non-existent hum. The projector, at the front of the room, played the usual end-of-year film, ‘Men in Black’. Students, around her, buzzed with excitement, sharing their family holidays that they were looking forward to and plans to meet up with each other, over the summer break. As the teacher stepped out of the classroom, several boys got out of their seats and began chasing each other around the room. Upon hearing a yelp, from one of the boys being chased, Caitlyn stiffened her hunched shoulder blades.

Footsteps neared and gasps screeched from Caitlyn’s classmates, as Mrs Tindall’s heels clopped closer towards them, and the door to the classroom swung open. A head of sandy-blonde highlighted, curly hair swept through the room. The clip-clop of her heels stopped at the side of the classroom, where she silenced the film, from her laptop, and faced her students.

Hearing the excited chatter and distant noise from the film stop, Caitlyn flickered her attention to the front of the classroom. “Right,” began their geography teacher, as she folded her arms at her chest. “Ms Quinn has requested for all students to remove all personal belongings from the school before leaving. Anything remaining shall be removed and disposed of, as the school is being deep cleaned over the summer break.” Chatter began to build around the room again.

Letting out a deep puff of air, through her nose, Caitlyn sunk back down in her seat, rolling her eyes, as gasps and cries of panic rang out around the room. “Did I leave my trainers in my locker?” came a cry from one of the rougher boys in her year group.

“What about my basketball?” exclaimed another.

“I always keep my spare shoes in Miss Vines’ cupboard!” shrieked one of the ditsy, make-up covered girls. “My parents would kill me if they found out I spent all my money on them.”

“You’ll have t’ keep ‘em at my place,” said the girl’s more orange-looking friend. “My dad don’t know the difference from one pair a shoes t’ the next.”

“Becks, you’re a life saver!” she cried, throwing her arms around her friend.

While all of the conversations spiralled around her, a frown formed on Caitlyn’s forehead. ‘I don’t think it ever occurred to me to leave anything at school.’ Deep in thought, Caitlyn propped her elbow up against her desk and rested her chin on the back of her hand. ‘I take all of my textbooks home, for homework, every night… and I take my P.E. kit home to be washed and ironed.’ The lines deepened on Caitlyn’s forehead. ‘My brother’s the only idiot who leaves things in his locker.’ Caitlyn inhaled a sharp sniff, and her eyes widened. ‘Kelvin!’ she exclaimed to herself. ‘Now I need to go find him after school. He forgets everything!’ Rolling her eyes, Caitlyn scraped her notebook and pencil case towards herself, as she prepared herself for the difficult encounter, she was soon to face, with her younger brother.

As Arcturus High were dismissed from school for the academic year, pupils raced up and down the corridors. Shouts and cheers of excitement radiated from the building. Diving and ducking in and out of all of the people who raced towards her, Caitlyn fumbled her way to her locker, outside, in the girls’ courtyard. A familiar head bounced up from one of the lockers below Caitlyn’s. Darcia beamed at her friend. “Mum and Dad are picking me up from school. We’re going to stay with my aunty, in north Wales,” Darcia gleamed, with the brightest energy that Caitlyn had ever seen. “I’ve gotta go!” she exclaimed. “Have a nice summer guys!” Before she had even thrown her backpack over her left shoulder, Darcia had raced off, into the crowd of dispersing students.

“Have a nice summer, Caitlyn,” said Samantha, as she tugged on Caitlyn’s sleeve.

“You too,” Caitlyn replied, with a soft smile. “Are you doing anything nice?”

“My cousin, Sarah, is taking me to Spain,” replied the blonde, with a big grin. “I’ve never been on a plane before. I’m excited.”

“I hope you have a lovely time,” Caitlyn said, with a little giggle, as she gave her friend a hug goodbye.

“Sam!” barked a voice, from across the courtyard. “I’m waiting.”

“I’d better go,” Samantha said, dipping her head a little, from being told off, before racing towards her cousin.

Having emptied her locker, Caitlyn placed her books, pencil case and her padlock into her backpack and looked around at the dwindling bodies that scurried about around her. A small smile prodded into the corner of Caitlyn’s cheek, as she turned around to see Emily at her locker behind her. “Hi Emily. Are you up to much over the summer?” Caitlyn asked her friend, as she appeared at her side.

“Ugh!” Emily grumbled. “I’m gonna be so busy. We fly to Brazil tomorrow, for two weeks, then I’m gonna stay with my aunt for a fortnight, helping her run her canoeing lessons, then I’m off to South Africa to visit my nana and gramps for a few weeks, I’ve got a ballet recital, drum practice and I’m going to a festival with my friend Hannah. And now, I have to help Dad clear the school,” she sighed, rolling her eyes. Caitlyn’s brows slanted together, as she listened to Emily’s list of things to fit into the six-week break. Slamming her locker closed, Emily shoved her backpack on her shoulders and huffed, “Well, I’ve gotta go help my dad. See ya Caitlyn,” and disappeared into the crowd.

A knot formed in Caitlyn’s intestines, as she had put off finding her younger brother for long enough. Adjusting the straps of her backpack, Caitlyn hugged her arms around herself, as she shimmied her way through the girls’ courtyard. Caitlyn scooted through the doorway into the P.E. corridor and back out through the entrance to the boy’s locker area. Glancing over the sea of students, Caitlyn’s brother, Kelvin, stood out a mile away. Being over a head taller than everyone in his year, Kelvin’s slim frame and auburn hair, also, helped Caitlyn to find him. Feeling her chest tighten, Caitlyn scraped her tongue against the roof of her mouth, as she lingered near the brick wall. The dagger glare that her brother gave her, once he spotted her, caused an icy shudder to creep up Caitlyn’s spine, as Kelvin stomped towards her. “What d’ya think yer doin’?” he growled. “I told ya neva t’ find me at school.”

“Ms Quinn is getting the school cleaned. She’s throwing away anything that’s left behind,” warned Caitlyn, feeling her throat grow tighter.

“So?” Kelvin grumbled, with a shrug.

“So, make sure you take everything home. Your school bag, P.E. kit, football, trainers… just don’t leave anything,” Caitlyn told him, with a deflated sigh.

“Why?” growled Kelvin, snarling his nostrils, as he scowled. “I’ll just get Mum and Dad t’ buy me whatever.” Caitlyn rolled her eyes at him. “Yer such a nag. Why can’t you be more like Jay?” Caitlyn’s eyes pinged wide, at the mention of Jay’s name.

‘He’s just as useless,’ Caitlyn sighed to herself. Returning her attention to her brother she huffed, “Fine, just so longs as you face the brunt of Mum and Dad’s yelling, when you forget something.” She turned on her heels and attempted to fight her way back through the school.

“Nah, that’s not how it works!” Kelvin shouted after her, but Caitlyn ignored his confrontation, as she pulled open the door to the library corridor.

The racing bodies appeared to thin, as Caitlyn reached the top of the humanities staircase. “Caitlyn!” called the familiar voice of her form tutor, Mr Flourfield. “What are you still doing here? Shouldn’t you be heading home?”

“Hi Sir,” Caitlyn replied, as she prodded the right corner of her mouth into her cheek. “I wish I could go home, but I’m forever babysitting the boys.” Mr Flourfield raised an eyebrow, with an inquisitive smirk. “You would think my brother and my best friend are five,” she replied in a flat tone, as she rolled her eyes. “Kelvin thinks money grows on trees and Jay’ll never admit it, but he would forget his head, if I didn’t remind him it was screwed onto his neck.” A small chuckle emitted from Mr Flourfield’s throat, as he smiled at her.

“Behind every troubled young man, is a perfect young lady, whose hard work doesn’t go unnoticed,” he mused.

“Knowing Jay, it does go unnoticed, but I try to help him out anyway,” Caitlyn replied, with a shrug, as she rolled her eyes. A shout sounded from the music corridor above, causing Caitlyn to groan. ‘Craig’s up there, so that means trouble.’ Caitlyn rolled her eyes and let out a deflated sigh. “I had better go and make sure they haven’t broken anything. Have a nice summer, Sir!”

“You too Caitlyn, you too,” Mr Flourfield sang, after her, as Caitlyn hurried up the staircase to the music department.

Arriving at the top of the music department staircase, Caitlyn punched her fists into her hips and glared ahead at the scene unfolding before her. Jay was crouched down, zipping his bass into its case, while Craig leapt over him, swinging his electric guitar in the air. Drumming could be heard blasting from Mr Wye’s practice room, as Xander and Aaron raced past Craig and shot inside the classroom, knocking over the noticeboard stand and slamming the classroom door behind them. Craig toppled, as his foot skidded against a laminated sheet of paper that had fallen from the toppled noticeboard and he flopped into Mr Wye’s door, clanging his guitar in the process.

“For goodness sake, must I babysit you all the time,” Caitlyn sighed, as she tilted her head to her right.

“Stop being such a wart,” snarled Craig, gripping the neck of his guitar, with his right hand and swinging it down to his side. “Jay, can’t ya make her disappear, or some-ink?”

“We got kicked outta NE before we got that far,” Jay replied, snorting a puff of air from his nostrils.

“I just don’t want you boys to break anything,” Caitlyn warned them, as she looked from the knocked over swivel noticeboard and took a glance inside Mr Wye’s classroom. Her eyes widened, as she watched a drumstick fly across the classroom, followed by an almighty crash and a thump, as someone thudded into the drumkit. “Or get expelled on the last day of term,” she muttered.

“Sweet,” Craig beamed, with a nod. “No more school. More time t’ be a rock star.” He swung his unplugged electric guitar back around and started strumming the strings, as he puckered his lips, imaging a screaming crowd in front of him. The door to Mr Wye’s classroom opened and Rajinder’s head appeared from the doorway. He gave Caitlyn an apologetic half-smile.

“Sorry about him,” said Rajinder, nodding his head in Craig’s direction. “We got to watch ‘School of Rock’ last lesson an’ it’s gone to his head.”

“Has not!” Craig declared, puffing out his chest.

“Come on, we’d better rescue Artie from Aaron’s bodyslam of the drumkit, before Mr Wye finds out,” he warned Craig and jerked his head towards the noise.

“Good point,” muttered Craig, as the cocky grin drained from his face.

“I gotta go,” Jay announced to his friends. “Catch you guys later, yeah?”

After the boys said their goodbyes, and parted ways, Jay heaved his bass guitar case and his backpack onto his back and plodded towards Caitlyn. “Sorry ‘bout Craig,” Jay muttered, with a puckered brow and a shrug, as he and Caitlyn walked down the music staircase.

“It’s fine,” replied Caitlyn in a mumble, as she rolled her eyes.  “We’ve got more important things to worry about. Ms Quinn’s getting the school cleaned, over the summer, and is throwing out anything that’s left behind after today.”

“So?” Jay shrugged. “I’ve got everything.” He jabbed a thumb to his bass guitar and backpack on his back.

“Don’t you do scouts, with Mr Lovenbury?” Caitlyn reminded him.

“My camping stuff!” exclaimed Jay, as a worrying shudder crept up his spine. “I can’t believe I forgot!”

“Exactly. We’d better hurry before he leaves and locks his door,” Caitlyn warned him. Jay nodded at her and the pair began to powerwalk through the humanities corridor and towards Jay’s form room.

“What would I do without you, Caitlyn?” Jay asked, with a nervous smirk, as he flickered his bronze-haired friend a glance.

‘You’d have to explain to your mum that hundreds of pounds worth of camping equipment has been thrown away,’ was what she wanted to say, but instead, Caitlyn looked towards Jay, with a blushing smile. Her heart fluttered a little at Jay’s compliment. ‘He doesn’t think I’m a nag, like the others do,’ Caitlyn realised, as she felt the blood rush to her cheeks. ‘At least Jay appreciates me.’

As they raced down the front staircase and into the main corridor, Jay took Caitlyn’s hand and led her through the last of the racing and  bumbling students, towards his form tutor’s maths classroom.

“It’s about time,” chimed Mr Lovenbury, as Jay and Caitlyn panted for breath in his doorway. “Too busy with your girlfriend, you forgot to collect your things,” he fumed. “I had half a mind to throw it away myself. What time du yer call this?”

“I’m so sorry, Sir!” Jay blurted out, as he leapt to his form tutor’s side. “Caitlyn’s not to blame, Sir. She’s the one who reminded me about my camping things.” Caitlyn gave Mr Lovenbury a nod, as she pinched her lips in. The colour drained from her face, as Mr Lovenbury’s thick, grey, bushy eyebrows looked her up and down.

Letting out a gruff sigh, Mr Lovenbury pointed to the far corner of the room, where the scouts supplies were stored. “You’d forget yer head if it weren’t screwed t’ yer body,” Jay’s form tutor grumbled.

“Yeah,” Jay murmured, rubbing a hand to the back of his neck. “Caitlyn tells me that all the time.” Looking from Jay, to Mr Lovenbury, Caitlyn tried to conceal a giggle. A soft expression, almost a smile, broke across Mr Lovenbury’s face.

“Right, I’ve just got to pop to the faculty office, I won’t be a moment,” Mr Lovenbury told them. “Any problems, you know where to find me.”

“Yes, Sir,” Caitlyn and Jay sang in unison, as the large man pushed himself up from his chair and hobbled out of the room, with the help of his clonking cane.

As Mr Lovenbury departed his classroom, Jay and Caitlyn turned to collect Jay’s camping supplies. Walking to the back of the classroom, they spotted another student in the storage cupboard, collecting his supplies. “Well, well,” he mused, with a smug grin on his face, as the five-foot-five, stocky boy squared his shoulders and took a step towards them. “Looky who we have here.”

“Ugh, what are you doing here?” grimaced Caitlyn, scrunching her nose at the sight of Ben, who was one of the boys in Jay’s form group. He had joined scouts for extra credit, due to skiving so many lessons.

“You love me,” Ben smirked at Caitlyn and then gave her a wink. An icy shudder crept up Caitlyn’s spine and she recoiled at his words.

“Love you?” she repeated, in disgust. “I’d love to kick you in the head.”

“Caitlyn!” Jay warned her, as he threw his arm out to stop the red head from taking a step forward. “He isn’t worth it,” he muttered.

“Come on,” she sang, with frustration, protesting against Jay’s blocking gesture. “They can suspend me for six weeks and I’ll come back to school on the first of September.”

“Har-har!” Ben barked back, with a mocking scowl. “You can’t even reach my head,” he scoffed, snarling his nose at Caitlyn.

“Wanna bet?” snapped Caitlyn, tilting her head to one side, as she squinted her eyes at her least favourite human. She took a step back and prepared herself for a high kick. Jay’s eyes bulged wide and he yanked Caitlyn’s elbow back.

“He’s not worth it,” Jay hissed.

“Grr…” snarling her nose, Caitlyn scuffed a kick at the floor. “I hate him so much,” she said to Jay, through gritted teeth. Despite Ben being within earshot, she spoke as though her nemesis were not in the room. “Why can’t I just kick him in the head?” she sulked, with a stroppy pout. “With any luck, he won’t come back to school next term.”

“She doesn’t mean that,” Jay reassured Ben, over his shoulder. “Don’t make him angry,” Jay mouthed to Caitlyn.

“Yes I do,” Caitlyn snarled to Ben, over Jay’s shoulder. Jay’s eyebrows shot up and he gave his best friend a silent shush. “Fine,” sighed Caitlyn, in defeat, as she backed away. “Just make sure t’ get yourself run over again,” she snarled at Ben, folding her arms.

Just then, Kelvin appeared in the doorway to Mr Lovenbury’s classroom. “Come on,” he groaned. “What are you losers still doin’ here? Jay, you better not be tradin’ me in fer ma sista,” Kelvin said, his voice full of scorn and disgust.

“We’ll catch up, okay?” Jay assured him. “We’ll have a kick around later. I gotta carry my gear home, first.” Jay jerked his head towards the camping gear storage cupboard. “Unless you wanna help us carry it.”

“Nah, I’m good. Catch ya laters,” muttered Kelvin, with a nod, striding out of sight.

“Maybe Ben and your brother should play a match together,” Jay muttered, as he leant towards Caitlyn’s ear. “Maybe they’d beat the living snot outta each other.” Clasping a hand to her mouth, Caitlyn felt her cheeks turn red, as she sniggered.

“What’s so funny?” barked Ben.

“Just an inside joke,” Jay replied, with a calm air about him, as he collected his tent, sleeping bag and roll mat, from the cupboard.

“Inside joke?” repeated Ben, frowning. “What’s that?”

“You’d know if you had friends,” Jay told him, with a gentle shrug, as Caitlyn took the tent from Jay, to help him carry it home.

“Hey, that ain’t fair,” growled Ben, as he watched Caitlyn assist Jay with carrying his things. “Why’s she helpin’ you carry stuff?”

“You’d know if you had friends,” Jay called over his shoulder, as he and Caitlyn made their way out of Mr Lovenbury’s classroom. Leaning towards Jay, Caitlyn began to giggle.

“Hey!” growled Ben. “What’s that supposed t’ mean?” Ignoring him, Jay and Caitlyn walked away, giggling to themselves.

 

- Josie –

Relationships & Age Gaps

My brother and his girlfriend recently broke up. He is 29 years old, but she is only 19. I believe that they should never have been together anyway, because she is exactly like me, anxious, shy, quiet, carries a different teddy with her everywhere, struggles at work, cannot cope with loud noises or confrontation and cannot stand up for herself. My brother, on the other hand, is incredibly mentally abusive.
          Anyway, the main reason that they broke up is something that I really relate to. My brother never wanted to do things with his girlfriend, and/or things weren’t special/didn’t mean much to him, because he had done them before, with someone else. I completely get that. I dated someone on and off for four years. During that time frame, if you counted the days that we saw each other, it added up to less than six months. He didn’t want to see me every day, because he had done that before. He didn’t want to have weekly dates, because he had done that before. He didn’t want to celebrate any points or milestones in our relationship, because he had done that before. On our one year anniversary, he told me that he thought that spending the day together was pointless, but he only did it because he knew that I wanted to – he also told me that he never wanted to marry me every single time he picked me up in his car and drove us to his, then when we were at his, he insisted that I was the one. We were never allowed to go on picnics, on day trips, even more than one holiday for four nights was all we were allowed, partly because he had already been on holiday with past girlfriends, and also because four days was too long to be apart from his housemate for – that always hurt me too. He never wanted to go longer than four days away from his friend, but he could go eight weeks without seeing his girlfriend and it didn’t bother him. Why? Because he had been in relationships where he got to be with his girlfriend everyday and do things together and go places and celebrate reaching milestones together before. None of it, with me, was special to him or meant anything, because he had done it all before. I didn’t face as big of an age gap as Scarlett and my brother, so I can only imagine how much harder it is for her. I have cried for her, felt her pain. It really, really, really sucks being the youngest in a relationship. First relationships, with age gaps are really hard.
          The more that I think about it, the more anxious and upset I get. I really do want to get married one day, but I guess, I can’t really. I’m going to be 34 in a few weeks’ time. By the time I turned 24 years old, my entire school, college and university group of peers were all married. Aside from my dopey brother, I do not know one person who is over the age of 23 and is not married or has not been married. I can’t re-download ‘Bumble’ and expect to find someone who I can have a happy relationship with, who I can do things with and go places with and one day get married to… because everyone has already done all of those things before.
          Men have it easy. They don’t need their marriage certificate for ID for the rest of their life. In fact, after showing it to your employer to ensure that you are on the marriage tax code, that’s all they need it for. Women have to pay hundreds of pounds, for an entire new passport the day that they get married, but also every form that you fill in, every job that you have, every everything, you need that marriage certificate as proof of your name change, on top of your passport and licence. How humiliating would it be to constantly be showing a piece of paper that says you are married to a divorcee or a widower. You are constantly being reminded all of the time that you aren’t your partner’s first choice, but their consolation prize.
          Scarlett is only 19 years old; she still has time to find someone else. I have been trying to think really positively about getting back into dating… but now I’m wondering if it is pointless. I’m not saying any of this in a depressive or negative mindset, as I know you can only understand 7% of a person’s intent in writing/text messages (tone and body language make up the rest, which is why talking over the phone and FaceTime are so much better forms of contact, as you have a larger percentage of not misunderstanding someone’s intent). This piece is all about curiosity, learning and trying to understand. So, if I do date someone… I am going to have to come to terms with knowing that I am never going to mean more to them than a consolation prize. I have also missed out on all of the things that make a relationship fun, like dating, going on a picnic in the park, going on day trips, going on holiday together, spending time together, cooking together, doing hobbies together and getting married, because none of this will ever mean anything to whoever I date, because they will have done it all before, and either not want to do any of it with me or they will only be doing it for my sake, as it won’t mean anything for them.
          Does that mean that the only way I can be happy is to be alone and never experience those things? I’m not upset about it. I’m very content and happy in my own company. I think disappointed is more the word that I am looking for.  Maybe I should give up before I even try, to save the heartache. Relationships only make you feel anxious, alone and not good enough. You constantly have to worry if you do or say the wrong thing that your entire future and happy thoughts will be over, but nothing will be any different for the person that you date, apart from them not having a person in their life who they occasionally kiss. How do people cope with that horrible, panicky, dreadful feeling every single second of the day? Actually, why do I even want to ever feel that ever again? Everyone else in the entire world must be a lot stronger than me. The thought of feeling so insecure, not good enough and constantly being scared of saying or doing the wrong thing that the other person will just say, “Suit yourself,” and never speak to me ever again, for what feels like absolutely no reason at all makes me realise that maybe I can’t be in a relationship. The thought of stepping on eggshells for the rest of my life and secretly crying all of the time, knowing that my girlfriend or boyfriend could take my future, our happiness, our friendship away from me at any moment, if I say something that gets taken the wrong way or text something that gets 93% misinterpreted… I can’t feel that anxious for the rest of my life. I feel sick and my chest is really tight, just thinking about it. Okay, I really need to end this blog post, because I think I have started an anxiety attack.

- Josie -