Losing Your Dreams

Three dreams of mine have all been ruined in a very small space of time. It is going to take a long time to get over these and to feel okay again. When something has been your life dream for as long as you can remember, having to give it up feels both hard and scary. I am literally losing part of my identity.

I have always wanted to be a writer, for as long as I can remember. Even in primary school, when we had to write sentences for our spelling homework, I was writing stories. Now that I have my own place, since January, I have been looking into making this dream a reality. I have been researching into literary agents and publishers that that produce a similar type of fiction to what I write. I have learnt that the publishing world is incredibly different now to what it was ten years ago. Audiences don’t care as much for the story as they do the person behind it. It matters more to readers to be able to interact with their author through social media, for the authors to travel more, to meet their audience, do more conventions etc. That all starts with having an audience, and literary agents won’t take you on if you don’t have a presence on social media. I did have social media. I started an Instagram account back in March, in hopes of re-finding three online friends that I had during lockdown, before Elon Musk bought Twitter. I found them and it was so nice to be back in touch with them again. I discovered a whole community of females my age with the same type of sensory autism. I found a community of women my age encouraging each other to get out there with their writing and offering each other tips and tricks to work with literary agents. I had to leave all of that behind for two reasons. An ex messaged me that he was reading my thoughts online and spitefully misinterpreting everything. He was incredibly malicious about it and it made me want to remove his connection to me, which was through my Instagram account. I, also, had a huge safety breach, where a complete stranger was able to provide my full name and full address to the emergency services, for a well-being check. No one knows my address, not even work. I cannot receive post at my address, so my workplace still have my mum’s address. Someone that I do not know, said that they know me, claimed to be my friend and, after looking me up online, somehow managed to get my full address. That is absolutely terrifying. Someone that I do not know thinks they are my friend and knows my full name and where I live. I cannot have a social media account, because my safety is now at risk. Without a social media account literary agents don’t accept new writers. So now I have to let go of my dream of writing. I really thought that this year was going to be the year that I tried. Instead, I am now scared for my safety.

The scary stranger safety risk also means that I have to sell my maisonette. I am absolutely devastated. I finally own my own place, I have painted every room, I have a brand new kitchen fitted, I have hung up shelves in various places and I have hung up my canopy in my reading nook, and now I have to give it up. I am going to have to find somewhere to rent and just keep moving forever, which I know isn’t that bad. I don’t need to own my own home, as I do not have children to pass the property down to. I know I can never find somewhere under £130,000 again. I love my home. It is mine. It is, I would say, around 95% sensory autism friendly. I have one neighbour below me, no one above me, no one beside me. It is as close to a detached home as someone on just less than £30,000 could afford. I am terrified to leave my home, in case the stranger who thinks we are friends is watching me. I am terrified to be home, knowing that a stranger knows me and where I live. I don’t know if they are physically watching me. All I know is they claimed to be my friend and knew me from online. Friends, from work, are taking it in turns to take me out to places, so that I am hardly ever home – to be on the safe side. But then I fear that this person might break in, somehow, if I am constantly out. They are the ones who said that I have to sell it though. They are right. A stalker who thinks we are friends could cross any safety boundary. Another fear is that prior to owning my own maisonette, I spent over £2,500 applying to properties to rent. Estate agents are quick enough to take your application fee, but some of them say they don't pass single people's applications over to the landlord, for financial stability reasons. I don't have a guarantor either, as my Mum doesn't own her own home, so finding somewhere to rent has been feeling like an impossible mission lately.

The third crushed dream is accepting that I will never have a partner. Growing up, my home life was not safe. There was no love. There was no calm. Things were often quite scary, for a young child. All I have ever wanted is to have that safety. I don’t need someone to look after me, to do things for me, to pay bills for me, to take me places or anything like that. I feel safe on my own. I feel happy on my own. I love my own company and I will be content being completely alone forever. But what I always wanted was to just know that someone was there, who loves me and won’t just get up and walk away one day. I want to know that someone loves me just as much as I love them. Someone I can cuddle after a long day, who wants to make dinner together, spend time together. Someone who I can be there for if they have a bad day. I want someone who doesn’t want drama, to always host, to always be visiting people or off travelling somewhere. I have accepted that I am too old. There isn’t going to be anyone out there around 35 years old who has never been married and doesn’t have any children, who isn’t single because they are an avoidant/emotionally immature. I don’t want someone who thinks that me asking if they are okay is me being emotionally unstable. I want someone who knows that I love and care deeply and I want to know that they are okay. I am sick of both men and women who do not want you to act like you love them or you care about them, but they want the level of physical intimacy that comes with it. If I am asking if you are okay, it is because I love and care about you and I genuinely want to know that you are okay. If I don’t love you and don’t care about you, I won’t ask you how your day was, how you are feeling and if you are okay. I won’t care if I don’t hear from you for several days or weeks at a time, but news flash, I also won’t want to cuddle you, kiss you or anything more with you. The only people who genuinely want a loving relationship will already be in one long before turning 35. Rather than be with someone who only wants a situationship, I would rather be alone forever. I am mentally stable when I am alone. I am happy when I am alone. I can do things when I am alone. As I mentioned above, I have friends, from work, who have been spending time with me, we have been to Stratford-upon-Avon, Leamington Spa, the witchcraft shop I have been wanting to go into for over twenty years, we have been to the Think Tank, YO! Sushi and a Weatherspoon’s. I have Manchester and the Sea-Life Centre on the cards for this weekend, which Snuffles and I are really looking forward to. I don’t need a wife or a husband to get through life, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to love someone and care about someone, and to feel loved and cared for back.

I just feel very lost right now. It is like part of my identity has been taken away. I am very much against people who change their personality, but when three huge parts of who you are have to be taken away from you… I don’t really have the words. Empty and lost are all that spring to mind.

- Josie -

Worthless - Poetry Anthology

(Josie Sayz: I found out today that asking for five minutes of a person’s day is the equivalent to 0.3% of their day. How worthless am I that I’m not even worth 0.3% of my partner’s day. I’m not even worth less than that. I hadn’t realised that I have written enough poems from my last relationship to write an anthology. I haven’t done one of those in a long time. This anthology is called Worthless, and these are the poems, in chronological order:

What Would I Do Without You?
Good Morning, I’m Home, Goodnight!
Mugged, Raped, Escape!
Worthless
Frankenstein’s Creation
Discovering A Secret
Eggshells
All I Ask For Is Five Minutes

I did have a couple of lovely love poems, but I never go around to finishing them, and now they are pointless, so I won’t waste my mental energy on someone who wouldn’t spare me five minutes of his time.)

 

What Would I Do Without You?

I’ve been hurt so many times,
I’ve forgotten how it feels
To feel love…
To be loved.
Overwhelmed with all the pain
And nothing feels the same,
Then there’s you.
This is new.

Can this be the end of the heartache,
Or is this gonna break me in two?

You,
You make my fears go away.
You make me feel so safe.
Like everyone else’s a mistake –
Their love was fake.
You,
You make my heart skip a beat.
You make my life feel complete.
You feel like a dream come true.
What would I do without you?

There is no second guessing
Or feelings I’m repressing.
I love you.
Yes, it’s true.
Everything is all so new,
Like the love I feel for you,
Your kisses own my spine,
Knowing you are mine.

Is this gonna end all the heartache?
Please, don’t let this break me in two.

You,
You make my fears go away.
You make me feel so safe.
Like everyone else’s a mistake –
Their love was fake.
You,
You make my heart skip a beat.
You make my life feel complete.
You feel like a dream come true.
What would I do without you?

I lie awake.
I cannot sleep.
Thoughts of you
Help me feel complete.
So full of love,
A feeling so supreme.
Please, don’t leave.
Don’t let this be a dream…

You,
You make my fears go away.
You make me feel so safe.
Everyone else was a mistake –
Their love was fake.
You,
You make my heart skip a beat.
You make my life feel complete.
You feel like a dream come true.
What would I do without you?

Good Morning, I'm Home, Goodnight!

When you wrote you name and phone number
On that scrap of brown paper,
Didn’t know I’d be thinking of it,
Over ten years later.
Yes, it is over,
And I accept it.
But that brown piece of paper,
I wish I had kept it.

It held all those memories,
Of a happier time.
Before we were over,
And the times that I cried.
Yes, I’ve moved on,
I’ve found someone new.
But when things get hard,
I’m left thinking of you.

From that brown, paper note,
We had our first date.
After, you asked for hug,
And it all felt like fate.
You said you’d let me know,
Once you arrived home.
I never had to ask,
You’d text from your phone.

Then, from that day,
Everything changed.
You gave me a routine
And it didn’t feel strange.
I was your first thought,
When you opened your eyes;
You always confirmed this,
With your, “Good morning,” surprise.

Then, when you arrived home,
From work or your friends,
You’d text me, “I’m home,”
And the worrying ends.
I was your last thought every evening,
As you turned off your light,
You never forgot
To text me, “Goodnight.”

For five years you text me,
Those five words every day,
Sent with three kisses,
Never a delay.
Even when we took a break,
Those five words, they remained.
It was our silent bond.
Nothing explained.

When we parted ways,
Each other we replaced.
Our new partners continued,
What, between us, had erased.
Ryan said, “Good morning,
I’m home and goodnight,”
I never asked,
Nor did it cause a fight.

A few years passed with dating,
I met quite a few,
But no one had every
Compared close to you.
Then I met Robert,
A man so kind and wise.
He used those five words,
It was no surprise.

Never with Robert,
Or Ryan or you
Was this ever a problem
Nor felt forced to do.
Only when you grew distant
And our love did fade,
Did you start to change,
The five words you betrayed.

I was no longer your first thought,
When you opened your eyes.
You didn’t text me first,
You’d talk to one of the guys.
At some point in your day,
After an hour or two,
It's like you remembered,
What you ought to do.

Your, “Good mornings,” were late,
And your, “I’m home,” too.
You’d speak to anyone else,
While I worried about you.
Then one the evenings
You forgot your, “Goodnight,”
I’d cry myself to sleep,
Couldn’t turn off the light.

I’ve with someone new,
And everything’s fine,
But what was once my normal,
Feels like just yours and mine.
I’ve tried hard to tell him,
Without those five words I ache,
But it feels like being honest,
Was a big mistake.

I don’t want to lose him,
I don’t want it to be through,
But lately every day
Reminds me of losing you.
I’m crying, I’m scared,
I don’t know what to do.
Those five words were so simple
When it was me and you.

Mugged, Raped, Escape!

Why do some men not see the danger,
Women face every day?
Danger can be at every turn,
But they always downplay.

My ex-partner would never meet me,
On my walk home through the park.
It can be really scary,
Being female, alone, in the dark.

He never believed…
You might get mugged,
You might get raped,
You might get stabbed by a drunk
And you can’t escape.

You don’t just have to be female,
To be worried about being safe.
I know a man who had his bicycle stolen,
And was given chase.

Now he’s too scared to walk alone,
Home from work through any park.
He’s too scared to ride a bike,
Even when it isn’t dark.

Because he knows…
You might get mugged,
You might get raped,
You might get stabbed by a drunk
And you can’t escape.

There’s a stabbing every week,
In the village where I work.
There’s been a victim on every corner,
In the park is where they lurk.

There’s been many store break-ins,
And weekly reporting’s of women being raped.
The police have said walk in groups
And don’t stay out too late.

We’ve all be warned…
You might get mugged,
You might get raped,
You might get stabbed by a drunk
And you can’t escape.

A few staff, at work, have checked in
And made sure I carry my alarm.
For many years, I always have,
In case I ever come to harm

It really makes me anxious,
When walking through a park.
Why can’t people see the dangers,
Regardless of whether it is dark?

Because…
You might get mugged,
You might get raped,
You might get stabbed by a drunk
And you can’t escape.

I don’t want to get mugged.
I don’t want to be raped.
I fear I’ll be stabbed by a drunk
And I can’t escape.

It happens at least once a week,
Crime at the park and in the streets.
Unless you drive,
It's getting hard to stay alive.

Worthless

I’m feeling worthless,
What’s the purpose?
Not worth five seconds of your time.
Don’t want to break it,
But I can’t take it.
My serenity’s in decline.
I want it to be,
Why can’t you see,
You’re breaking my heart.

I was used to being worthless,
Never feeling good enough.
It was so draining, so frustrating,
Pretending that I’m tough.
Never thought I’d have to fake,
Feeling fine when I’m with you,
But you’ve got me feeling worthless,
Don’t know what I should do.

I’m feeling worthless,
What’s the purpose?
Not worth five seconds of your time.
Don’t want to break it,
But I can’t take it.
My serenity’s in decline.
I want it to be,
Why can’t you see,
You’re breaking my heart.

I need to get used to feeling worthless
Not worth five seconds of your time.
My only request was good morning,
When you open your eyes.
You made it clear, you won’t spare
Five seconds, I had asked of you.
It’s got me feeling so worthless,
I don’t know what to do.

I’m feeling worthless,
What’s the purpose?
Not worth five seconds of your time.
Don’t want to break it,
But I can’t take it.
My serenity’s in decline.
I want it to be,
Why can’t you see,
You’re breaking my heart.

Frankenstein's Creation

I’m your monster, Dr Frankenstein,
You won’t spare me one minute of your time.
Your mental games are pushing me to self-destruct.
I’m scared to speak up my mind.
My hurt feelings, I try to hide.
I love you, but I think I’ve had enough.

These past few months have been real tough.
Done with not feeling good enough.
Tired, I always have to prove.
Hurt, but I don’t want to lose –
You.

I’m your creation, you can’t deny.
You moulded me to believe your lies,
Hidden somewhere deep within the truths.
For long months, I can’t believe,
How you built me up, only to deceive.
How did I not see the mental abuse?

These past few months have been real tough.
Done with not feeling good enough.
Tired, I always have to prove.
Hurt, but I don’t want to lose –
You.

You showed me so many happy things.
Filled my mind with future dreams.
Started perfect; I wish we could restart.
You stole it, now you’ve broke my heart.

This nightmare, it killed our dream.
Reminder with every thirteen.
It stabs through my heart, every time, it’s true.
The creation of a mastermind.
I can’t erase you from my mind.
Time spent with you is all I ever knew.

These past few months have been real tough.
Done with not feeling good enough.
Tired, I always have to prove.
Hurt, but I don’t want to lose –
You.

Discovering A Secret

Discovering a secret
You know you oughtn’t know,
Is filling up my heart, with such sorrow.
What began as something innocent,
A curiosity.
It has now, possibly, become the death of me.

Who’s that girl? What’s that scene?
Is feels like something from a movie screen.
Cocktails, jazz and dancing,
With her is so risqué.
How could I be so stupid?
You never look at me that way.

I have replayed the scene
In my head a million times.
Makes me feel like these past six months have been nothing but lies.
I don’t know the truth,
I did not have a clue.
The partying, nightclubs and dancing, they don’t feel like you.

Who’s that girl? What’s that scene?
Is feels like something from a movie screen.
Cocktails, jazz and dancing,
With her is so risqué.
How could I be so stupid?
I know I’ve overdue my stay.

I care about you so much,
This message comes from the heart.
This isn’t jealousy,
Or a cry of insecurity.
I do not want to be an obstacle
For who you truly want to be.

Who’s that girl? What’s that scene?
Is feels like something from a movie screen.
Cocktails, jazz and dancing,
With her is so risqué.
How could I be so stupid?
I think it’s time I go away.

Eggshells

You ask how my day went,
I’ll reply straight away,
But I know you won’t read it,
Until the end of the day.
You won’t reply
To anything I say.
You’ll just say, “Goodnight,”
Won’t even meet me halfway.

When I respond to your question,
I’ve learnt not to expect a reply,
Or for you to read my response.
I have no idea why
You message at all.
If to hear from me is a chore.
To be ghosted or left on read
I don’t know which one hurts more?

The double standards you write,
Causes me so much pain.
You expect a response in three minutes,
That you won’t read for hours; that’s okay.
You were warm and inviting.
Six months have flown by.
How long can I hurt for,
Bottle it up and then lie?

I’m not being controlling,
Asking for a, “Good morning,” text.
When you can’t manage that,
It makes me miss my ex.
I just need routine,
And a connection that’s stable.
I’m not dictating your life,
Nor without you am I unable.

I hate feeling punished,
If I’m a few minutes too late.
You withdraw your affection
And leave me in wait.
It's like a test,
And if I am good.
You’ll say, “I love you.”
Although you already should.

It's gaslighting by omission,
To put me in my place.
It makes me feel anxious,
And a complete disgrace.
Though I’ll never confess,
I’ll hide it inside.
You won’t see that you hurt me,
Or the times that I cried.

It's not just by text,
Or our phone calls too,
It hurts when I’m midsentence,
You blurt out, “I love you.”
Maybe you’re done listening,
Our you just zoned out.
It's little things, like this,
That leave me with doubts.

I love you so much.
I wish we could be together forever,
But can I withhold my feelings,
On our lifelong endeavour?
I’m not being controlling or I needy,
I wish you could see.
I’ve adjusted so much for you.
Could you try for me?

All I Ask For Is Five Minutes

All I ask for is five minutes,
Five minutes with me.
To check in, to feel your love, to know you’re alright.
To hear about you day,
And to wish you goodnight.

Endless days alone,
Staring at my phone,
Waiting…
Just waiting to hear from you.
My heart aches,
Close to breaks.
Worthless…
I mean nothing to you.

How long do I pretend that I’m tough,
Never feeling good enough…

All I ask for is five minutes,
Five minutes with me.
To check in, to feel your love, to know you’re alright.
To hear about you day,
And to wish you goodnight.

I told you I’m hurting.
Can’t keep reverting
To shrinking…
My only need.
Basic communications,
Full of frustrations.
I’ll never
Be worth anything to you.

Can’t keep pretending that I’m tough,
I know I’m not good enough…

All I ask for is five minutes,
Five minutes with me.
To check in, to feel your love, to know you’re alright.
To hear about you day,
And to wish you goodnight.

You reach out,
Then you retract.
Ask how I am,
Don’t read it back.
Why do you not care?
It’s not fair.
I keep giving and I’m giving,
Almost broken.
I don’t have much left.
I gave you my all, I swear.

I can no longer keep pretending that I’m tough.
I’ll never be good enough…

I’m not asking for days, weeks or hours.
I’m not asking for diamond rings or constant flowers.
I’m not dictating your life or controlling your day.
I’m just asking for you to spare five minutes my way.

I’m sorry I’m not tough.
I’m sorry I’ll never be good enough…

All I asked for is five minutes,
Five minutes with me.
To check in, to feel your love, to know you’re alright.
To hear about you day,
And to wish you goodnight.

 

- Josie -