I can't sleep. I have been out all day to try to keep busy. I have cooked my lunches for the week. Now, I am stuck watching true crime until I am exhausted. I know that my mind always does this when I am upset. I really, really, really miss someone, despite knowing that we both wanted different things from a relationship. I still love him... very much. I still miss him everyday. I miss all of the good times. The safe times. The peaceful times. I really just want him to be here and to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I'm not delusional. I know that will never happen. I know that we weren't a perfect match. We both saw relationships as very different things. To me, they are very close, with lots of communication, routine and with an end goal. At first I thought that we were on the same page, and maybe we were for a time, but he doesn't view relationships in the same way. That is completely okay. Some people don't want to see their partner often, or hear from them, or have daily check-ins. Some people don't need their partner to remember that they exist. They are happy knowing that they are just there, and there is 100% nothing wrong with that. That can be his perfect happily ever after. But sadly, it isn't mine. We had so many magical and special memories, but when you both want very different things in life in terms of communication and connection, it can never work, regardless of how much you want it to. It doesn't make it hurt any less. It doesn't make me love him any less. I have pictured his face, in my dreams, a handful of times, and each time, I wake up wanting to cuddle him and tell him that I love him and everything will be okay. I know that I cannot lose myself, my personality and my sanity to keep the person that I love... and will always love. I also accept that it is my fault and I am not someone that any person could want a stereotypical relationship with, where you communicate daily, so that you don't feel like strangers, where the dynamic does not become less or distant after six months, but it becomes closer and stronger after six months, where the two of you have a shared goal. I am not that person to anyone. I can't be or I would have it by now. I cannot keep experiencing the level of hurt and pain that situationships cause the other person who wants a relationship. That is not a healthy thing for me to do. I am obviously far too selfish, as I cannot keep making myself feel so mentally unstable for someone else. Everyone else in the world is a lot stronger than me. I do not know one person who isn't in a committed, serious relationship. I'm just so very, very. very sorry that I am not good enough or strong enough to cope with the severe anxiety that comes with being in a situationship. If I was good at it, then I could be happy with someone. I miss him... I miss all of the happy things that he filled my life with. But I do not miss the anxiety, the hurt, or the stress that this caused me. That's why I can't reach out to him or to anyone. I need to keep myself calm and safe... away from anxiety triggering things.