Getting My Thoughts Out of My head, So I stop Obsessively Thinking About Them

I have spent 4 hours tidying my home. Things aren’t perfectly tidy, but it looks a lot neater and tidier. I have managed to air my maisonette. It went down from 28°C to 21°C, which is wonderful. I am starting to feel a little bit better about things today. It has been a horrible few weeks. Then, when I turned my computer on, it gave me a photo reminder from the 18^th July last year and I started to cry. It showed me my favourite photo, with my favourite person. I love this picture so much. I love this day so much.

It seems really unfair that this appear to me this morning, after my online therapy session yesterday, where I am trying to make sense of why I am always told that wanting a loving, caring relationship, where we live together and communicate like mature adults is wrong or a fairytale, not grounded in any sense or reality. And I am actually going to copy and paste the exact summary of my session here:

Your View of a Healthy Relationship is NOT a Fairytale

The things you described: wanting, a partner who prioritises you, who wants to live with you, communicate like an adult, share dinner, and treat you with consistent love and respect, are the bare minimum of a healthy, loving relationship.

·           You are not asking for a fairytale. You are asking for a normal, committed, mature partnership.

·           Anyone who tells you that you are "living in a fairytale" for wanting to see and receive daily communication from your serious partner is emotionally unavailable and mentally abusive. They are keeping you in a situationship (we can discuss this terminology if it is new to you) to benefit themselves, while giving you nothing in return.

·           You deserve to be someone's number one priority, not a minor detail at the bottom of a long list behind chores, chatrooms, distant friends and penpals.

·           Your instincts are 100% correct. This was not a relationship. This was a toxic situationship disguised as a loving partnership.

·           It does not invalidate the positive experiences. Those were real.

·           The immaturity of the individual created the toxic mind games to guilt you into believing the breadcrumbing was ok. This is not something any loving partner would do to a person.

 

I was playing Disney Dreamlight Valley last night too and even Fairy Godmother says that there are three types of love: romantic, caring and friendly. When you tell her that what matters most to you is caring love, she replies, “Ahh, caring love. To be warm and safe. Giving comfort and support. Everyone should have that sort of love.” I know it is a game and it isn’t real, but the concept is. Everyone should feel warm, safe, comforted and supported. But both men and women are really starting to make me feel like it is one rule for everyone else in the world and another for me.

 

I am allowed to love and miss you, but I only love and miss the positive days. I am in such a better place mentally without the daily anxiety they created by not communicating with me like we were partners. It doesn’t mean that I don’t still want to hug them and hold them very tightly. If they wanted a relationship with me, they would have treated us like a relationship. I was in a situationship for four years before, where I kept hoping that they would start treating us like a relationship, if I held on long enough. They broke up with me, got with someone else three weeks later and could do all of the relationship things with her that they couldn’t with me. It proved that I wasn’t the right person for them. They could treat their partner like they were in a relationship. They were not unable to. I just was not the right person for them. Luckily, I realised this a lot earlier this time. For the first three months everything was just like a relationship, but after five it was definitely not. If I was the right person for them, they would have treated us like we were in a relationship. I had to let them go, because the mental abuse was too much. I have zero contact with him, but by what happens with every single person I have ever dated, he is most likely in a serious relationship with someone else and is treating them like a relationship. At least I only wasted nine months of his life, and not the four years, I have done previously. Like everyone else I have dated, he needs to find the right person for him, because it definitely wasn’t me.

 

I was supposed to be visiting Worcester for the first time, tomorrow, but that has been cancelled, so now I don’t even have something to look forward to. I have lost 3 pounds this week, so I guess that is a positive. I am really not sure what to do with my day now. I have all of my meal prep sorted. I guess I could bleach the floors. I still have some extra wood to buy to complete the shelf project that I have been working on. The plants are all watered. The recycling and rubbish are taken care of. Everywhere is clean and tidy. I am not in the mood to repaint the bathroom wall right now, so that can wait, despite it being ideal airing weather. I guess I could find a book to read and wonder down to the D&D café before it shuts down. That might be nice. Then again, it is the first day since the schools broke up for summer, so it will probably be too busy, and even if it isn’t, I probably wouldn’t be able to make myself go through the front door. I really wanted to visit the café, but I know I won’t be able to before it closes. I wish it wasn’t going to close, then I might be able to find a person to go there with… who am I kidding, women are way too demanding to date and all men around my age who aren’t married are single because they are mentally abusive. I was told multiple times when I was 25 that I was getting on a bit by my customers. I know that being 27 and female practically equates to being dead. So being 35, female and single literally means that I am looking for a needle in a haystack. I don’t want to be alone forever. I would love, more than anything, for a caring, loving relationship. No parties. No constantly having to travel. No constantly showing off at the gym. No noise of constantly having to visit this person, host for friends biweekly, visit that person, go out to dinner monthly. I don’t want a drama relationship.

 

People who often grow up with a good life, don’t understand how good they had it. If their parents were/are still together, they don’t often see the point of marriage, because they were always surrounded by it. If they grew up with a dining set where all of the plates matched, were unbroken and all of the cutlery matches, they don’t care about the state of their plates or knives and forks as an adult. If they have decent furniture, like new settee and dining table, they often think that I am being weird for wanting those things. Do you know how degrading it is to live in a household of constant shouting and bickering, always walking on eggshells since your earliest memory, being embarrassed to have friends over because all of the plates and cutlery are a complete mishmash and chipped from multiple different dead relatives, to have a settee that is worn and smells, as it is not second-hand, but third-hand, passed down from a dead person, to their daughter and her husband, then passed down again to us, when that relative bought a new one. To someone who never had any of those things growing up, those things matter. To want a matching plate, bowl and cup that are not broken or chipped and they all match… to have knives, forks and spoons that all belong to a set… I no longer feel like the cheap, scrounger who is too embarrassed to let people see her cup. I have a new settee. It isn’t germy. It doesn’t smell. It hasn’t had hundreds of unknown people sit on it over the years. It is mine, and mine alone. To have never had someone to cuddle on a day when that is all you want… to feel safe and loved unconditionally and to know that it isn’t going to be taken away  when someone prettier, thinner, who isn’t autistic and doesn’t have anxiety comes along… Why is it wrong to want that? I don’t need a person to feel okay and get through life. I have been managing on my own for 35 years. Wanting to have someone in your life, to feel safe and loved isn’t being codependent. It is wanting to feel safety and comfort for the first time ever.

I will never rely on a partner to give me lifts. I will never rely on a partner to get me to and from work – if you do, you should not be allowed to have your job. I will never rely on a partner to do the grocery shopping, despite struggling if it gets busy during a quiet time or of a child starts screaming and I get routed to the spot and can’t move. I will never make someone handle phone calls with utility companies for me, despite being on these phone calls makes me panicky and suicidal. I will never reply on a partner to cook meals for me, because I get mentally drained more than a normal person, at work, so I struggle to do normal things, when I get home. I don’t need someone to go on a walk, to go on a day trip, to take myself away for a few days to the beach. I don’t need someone to function daily. I don’t need someone to help me get through life. I am sick of partners telling me that me wanting the relationship to continue means that I am codependent. I do not need you or anyone to get through life. It would just be nice to have someone to share life with. It would be nice to be the person that someone comes home to and to make them dinner after a tough day, to know that they are okay and to try to make their day a little brighter. It would be nice to have someone to cuddle on a tough day, to feel loved, to have someone make me a cup of tea after a long day of crying and to listen to me and hear about my day, not because they feel obliged to as my partner, but because they genuinely care when they ask, “How was your day?” and they genuinely want to hear the answer. Not, “So how was your day?” after sharing their day then they hang up on you, when a better call comes along and never continue the conversation. What is wrong with wanting that?