I shouldn’t have to write an essay defending a
piece of fictional writing or a random poem that popped into my head, but with
two controlling men, who specialise in being mentally abusive towards me and my
creative outlets, while on my five mile walk to work this morning, it occurred
to me that I have to defend myself in order to prevent your mentally abusive
comments, text messages, phone calls and/or signing me up to humour writing
courses.
Alternatively, why don’t you both grow up and leave me alone. I know you are
both still there, despite my attempts to make you go away. I do not stalk your
social media or your personal lives, so stay away from my corner of the
internet. Unless you are going to be nice, leave me alone.
My ‘Thirteen Miles’ poem, that I wrote yesterday, is part of my Peter and Jane
story series. It is not directly linked to you. I am allowed to fictionalise
parts of my life, in order to help tell a creative narrative. Yes, I was
influenced by you, however, this does not mean that I am crying every day
because I miss you, nor am I desperately trying to get your attention or to win
you back. It is simply a creative writing piece that I had a lot of fun
writing.
Nor does the reference mean that I was upset because you moved away. You never
seemed to get it into your head that I was happy for you and proud of you for
buying your own place. You said that you needed somewhere with enough space so
that you could have a home office, as you work remotely. Now you have that.
I could not cope with your communication, or lack thereof. No one is ever, “too
busy,” especially for their partner. You just placed me so low down on your
priority list that I was just a thing that was supposed to sit around twiddling
my thumbs, waiting for you. When you are in a relationship, you cannot make
life changing decisions without including your partner, because said life
changing decisions affect them too – often more so than you.
In a relationship it is crucial to communicate. When you live together, you do
not need to physically message each other often, as written text only
contributes to 10% of your intention. When you live together there are your
actions, your posture, your tone of voice, just your presence can indicate how
you are feeling. However, you cannot have the no written communication part of
a relationship if you do not physically see one another. Your parents,
siblings, friends don’t need to check in on their partner via text message or
emails, because they live together or see each other every day. When you do not
have that, written communication daily is crucial.
Putting in effort is just as important. Sending a few words saying, “I thought
I sent it. Have a good day,” show that you are not emotionally invested. If you
do not care how your partner is, can hang up mid conversation after telling
your partner how you are then saying, “So how was your day?” then instantly
hang up, when a better offer can along and leave your partner waiting for you
to not be, “too busy,” anymore to call them back, only for them to reach out
and you say, “I’m good. Playing a games with friends,” and you do not care if
your partner has no idea if you are okay, then that is not a relationship. If
you put in 20% communication effort and your partner has to put in 180%
communication effort in order for you to be bothered to message them at all,
that is not a relationship. If your partner feels so mentally and emotionally
exhausted that they start mirroring your texting style and putting in the exact
same amount of effort that you do, you say, “There’s no point in texting you.
We only say the same few words,” then you are not in a relationship.
Relationships are hard work. They take effort, from both parties. It is not a
single sided thing, while one person cries constantly every single day, waiting
for you to remember that they exist and show them five seconds of your time.
And when you say you are too busy to show the person who is supposed to
be your number one priority five seconds of your day, that is not a
relationship.
A relationship is not, “Winning you over,” and then putting in zero effort
after three months, because you have a girlfriend. If anything, the first three
months are the easiest bit, then you have to try harder after that.
We were never really together after three months. It was a real relationship to
begin with. Normally, people grow to that point of a relationship within three
to six months of getting to know one another, but from the first date, you
acted like the exact person that I wanted to be in a serious, long term,
forever relationship with. You wanted something serious. You wanted commitment.
You could communicate properly. You wanted to settle down and be together. You
wanted to live together and get married. Those are the things that you need to
know if you are compatible with. And we were. You wanted all of the same things
I wanted. And you wanted them soon – okay, so maybe I was a little scared that
you wanted it too soon, but I have known people who got engaged after two weeks
and lived happily every after. But after three months, this all went away. You
weren’t that persona anymore. You didn’t want those things anymore – any of
them. You turned out to be my shortest relationship. You changed the most the
quickest. You lost interest the quickest. You stopped communicating the
quickest.
We were a relationship for three months. After
that, it was a situationship. The fourth month was hard, the fifth month was
harder. It was the end of the fifth month that you broke my trust so much that
I deleted and blocked you online and never undeleted or unblocked you.
Christmas was painful. Poor communication on my hardest day of the year, mixed
with being forgotten and not remembered until it was too late and I was already
a crying mess was too much. Then, from the 2nd January, I have never
felt more lonely and unwanted in a relationship. It is less lonely being alone.
It is less painful being alone. Having a doctor tell me, in February, that my
partner is mentally abusive hurt. I didn’t believe him. I refused to. I made so
many excuses for you. I wanted it to work so much. I wanted the old you to be
real so much. I believed that if I just held on long enough that he would come
back. And one day he did. You proved that you could do it. You wanted a
relationship. You communicated with me. You messaged me just like you used to.
Then the next day, you took it all away from me. You left me with absolutely
nothing. That is what broke me. The next day, when the Sales Director said
morning to me, I burst into tears. He could say morning to me, but my own partner
couldn’t. I couldn’t keep living like this. I had already done this in a past
situationship. I could not have you controlling my emotional wellbeing, making
me so anxious that I couldn’t speak to anyone. Situationships are mentally
abusive. That type of love bombing and withdrawing is mentally abusive. That is
not a relationship. That is not the way that a loving, caring partner should
communicate.
I was never asking for much. Just the basic communication for a healthy
relationship. I wasn’t asking for money to spent on me, gifts all the time, to
go on holiday, to go places, or even to see you daily. I wasn’t asking to take
you away from your friends or family. I was just asking for the minimum
communication for a healthy relationship, and to not be treated like a
situationship.
I have never felt more alone and worthless than with you. I was so low down on
your priority list that for two weeks, I didn’t even hear from you, aside from
your two copy/paste text messages. As soon as you moved away, you were a
completely different person. And do not use the excuse that you were buying a property.
When I bought my maisonette, I had so much free time that I wrote a 60,000-word
novel and walked 32 miles every Saturday, while working full time and visiting
the elderly lady, in her 90s, that lived around the corner most Sundays.
Once you moved away, you stopped sharing your day with me. You stopped checking
in. You stopped wanting to know if I was okay. Your promise if seeing each
other every other weekend never materialised. You only wanted to phone me when
it was convenient for you. You were against planning a phone call to look
forward to together for a specific day/time. You wanted me to drop everything
whenever you happened to have a spare few moments free. When I suggested
organising/scheduling a day and time that works for both of us, you said I was
being controlling. When I asked to hear from you, you said I was being
controlling. When I wanted the person back, who was the man I fell in love
with, who wanted the same things in life that I did, you said I was being
delusional, living in a fairytale and trying to control your life. I wasn’t
trying to do any of those things. It is not controlling to want a neutral,
agreed time to phone each other, so that neither of us have to stop what we are
doing. It is not controlling to want the exact same relationship dynamic that
you gave me, when we first met. It is not controlling to point out when you are
doing something mentally abusive, controlling, immature or something very hurtful
and to ask you to be more mindful next time. I spelt it out to you, multiple
times, exactly what I needed from you and each time you said, “I don’t know
what to do.” If you don’t know how to text me good morning, let me know that
you are okay, tell me a little about your day and text me good night, then I
can’t help you any further. I wanted to be more than just some girl on the
sidelines of your life, who you said, “Yeah, I have a girlfriend, look,” to, to
make you feel big, or accomplished or whatever ego boost you got from it. I
wanted to be your loving, lifelong partner, who you share your life with – not
who you push away and do everything independently from and am expected to just
turn up and be your unpaid prostitute and escort.
When I did meet up with you, after close to zero communication from you for six
weeks, it was a struggle, because you were a completely different person. You
became a different person when you moved away. You didn’t like the same things
anymore. You weren’t interested in the same hobbies. When I met up with you,
you got rid of the things that you told me you weren’t getting rid of, because
they were part of your personality. You spoke differently. You acted
differently. Your personality was different. Every single thing, person,
object, information that you interact with every day changes you. You might
want to see a new film, hate a genre of music that you used to like, have a
very strong opinion about a new political event. A person with my type of
autism notices the changes in a person more than most people do. You were not
the same person, when we met up. When you said, “Why was it so awkward?” it was
because you were a complete stranger to me. It was like meeting you for the
first time. You no longer had the same relationship ideologies, you no longer
had the same hobbies, you looked different, you acted different, you sounded
different. We were two strangers meeting for the first time, on an eight month
anniversary day date.
You dismissing my wants and beliefs, as, “You shouldn’t care what everyone else
thinks,” when living with my partner and getting married one day is not what me
caring about what everyone else thinks. It is what I want. It is what you said
that you wanted. It was our future that you had painted in my head. It was what
you made me believe that we were working towards together. I was not being
delusional or living in a fairytale for believing you, when you said that you
wanted that. When you took my life, my future, away from me, it hurt a lot. It
was scary. Very scary. Everything that I knew had changed. But most importantly
and scarily, the person that I loved had changed. We no longer wanted the same
things, and you saying that I shouldn’t want them anymore, because you didn’t
care about that sort of thing hurt more than breaking up with you did. You
dismissing my wants, beliefs and ideologies and comparing not living together
with your partner to not being able to go to a restaurant was beyond hurtful.
And you are the delusional one if you think those two things are remotely
similar.
My autism is not the same as his. I found a whole community of people, around my
age, who have the exact same struggles that I do. They are not intelligent at
maths, struggle with understanding emotions or whatever else the stereotypical
Asperger’s diagnosis is. Autism is a spectrum, like a rainbow. If he is red,
then I am the polar opposite, at purple. I have a relatively basic IQ at 136. I
am not an expert at Maths. I have high attention to detail. I have very strong
emotions. I need structure, stability and a plan. If plans change, I cannot
cope – that is not me being difficult. That is what everyone who has the same
type of autism that I have si like. If you say you are going to be there at 5pm
and then you are not, I cannot follow through with the plans that we had for
tomorrow, because you are not here now, when you said that you would be. It
doesn’t matter that you will travel over in the morning. I cannot do what we
were supposed to do, because you said that you were going to be there. I cannot
cope with loud noises or busy places with too many people. You like going to restaurants.
Well, there is the sound of the traffic outside, footsteps, cutlery, people
talking, every single conversation in the entire building, music playing, food
being prepared out the back, I can’t understand what someone says when they are
a new voice to me, let alone having all of the other conversations playing at once,
there is crockery moving, drinks being prepared. Every single sound, movement,
light is like a new tab being open o Excel, or a new app being open on your
phone. The more things you open, the less RAM you have remaining. The louder
the noise, it is like an app is flashing constantly for your attention. The
more frequently I do these things, it doesn’t get any easier. It isn’t like
learning to ride a bike. Each time is just as uncomfortable and hard to cope
with as the last. No matter how many
times you take me to a restaurant, I will always struggle. I will always have
to pretend and fake being happy, that I am enjoying myself. I will always hate
it. I am happy to try, and I have tried. Suggesting going during a quiet time
and not the busiest time on a weekend didn’t fall well, but if you want me to
do something that will always be overwhelming and hard, I will try. I did try.
When I said that I wanted to go to the new Italian restaurant near me that
served tapas style dishes with you for my birthday, and I found out the exact
day and time, from the restaurant when they were least busy, you pretended that
you didn’t hear me and started talking about something else.
And I have to write all of this just because I wanted to write a fun little
poem.
This doesn’t mean I hate you. I don’t. This doesn’t mean I want you back.
Situationships are toxic. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be a part of your
life. I know that you had someone else in mind, and I hope that whoever you
were talking about when you said, “We need to decide our movie
posters,” makes you far happier than I ever could. Yes, I still hold onto that
little bit of hope that you might want a real relationship and with me, like
the old you did, but I’m not delusional. You deserve to be happy, and that is
the most important thing. I still love you and care about you, but the old you,
who I fell in love with. If he still exists, and if he still wants all of the
things that he said that he wanted over a year ago, then that is wonderful. But
I am not holding onto that. If you are the same person that you had become,
back in April, who does not want to communicate, has no time for a partner, has
completely changed his personality from the person that I knew, and who only
wants communication to happen on his terms, then I wish you all the best. I
hope that you find a person who also does not want a relationship, who can cope
with the mental abuse that is a situationship, and that the two of you love
each other and live happily ever after.
All I wanted is to write my fiction, whether it be for fun or to help me
process things, without the fear of being verbally attacked. Creative writing
is all about writing what you know. If I write a poem, a piece of flash fiction
or a novel about a person or a situation that sounds similar to you, that does
not mean I am trying to get your attention, that I haven’t moved on or that I
am desperately wanting to be with you. It is just a piece of fiction. And that
goes for both of you.
