MJs Hogwarts Journal Chapter 51

Thursday 1^st May

For some reason our Flying lesson was cancelled yesterday. Not that I’m excited or anything… Yey! No broomsticks for a whole week! Okay, so part of me is really annoyed. I don’t mean to hate Flying. I want to love the lesson, I really do. More than anything, I dreamt about whizzing around on a broom. I even used to pretend to sometimes when I was little. It’s just that, I guess, I never really thought about the fact that I would have to be so high up off the ground. And how the ground actually looks hazy and wobbles when you look down at it. And then there’s staying balanced on the broomstick as you hover in the air. And watching where you are going, where you have just come from, if there is any in front of you or wanting to cross paths with you and while you are looking for all of that, you might bump into an obstacle along the way. Then there are people like Potter and Blondie who just whizz by everyone else, showing off at how fast they can fly, how far they can travel and how many loops they can do. I have actually had several nightmares about that class.

Astronomy is cancelled tonight too. Again, I’m not sure why. I was wondering whether tonight something special was going to happen in the sky and Professor Sinistra didn’t want to miss it, but part of me thinks that she would have loved to have done a class if this were the case, so that she could teach us all about it. So, I’m not sure now. Oh well, at least it means that I don’t have to stay awake until one o’clock in the morning.

- Josie -

MJs Hogwarts Journal Chapter 50

Monday 28^th April

In exactly a month’s time I will have sat my last First-Year test. How scary is that? We have three weeks until our end-of-year exams. I just hope that I’ll be ready. I still don’t feel like it. I just pray that I can learn a lot in the next three weeks. Having Josie back has definitely helped though. It’s not that I rely on her to tell me everything, of course not. She just has this way of motivating me or pointing me in the right direction or making me think of something that I had never considered before. Just that in itself, I’ve managed to go from worrying about every single subject, to feeling as though I may pass Astronomy and Charms at the very least. And maybe Herbology at a push. I’m still struggling with Transfiguration, but with three more weeks’ worth of classes (lessons begin again today) I think I may just be able to get it. Josie wouldn’t look over my Potions essay for me for this morning’s class – she was worried that she might be influenced to pinch something that I had written. I swear, she isn’t doing as badly as she thinks she is. Also, I found out that Professor Snape had been giving her private tutorials for Potions. There was more than just that one off. Professor Snape, giving anyone help… is that even possible? To add to that, a Ravenclaw… and private lessons. Okay, what? They’ve definitely been keeping that on the downlow. That may sound like I’m a little mad. I’m not. I just can’t believe that Snape out of all people would tutor anyone, let alone someone not in Slytherin. Professor Flitwick must have put him up to it, that’s all I’m saying.

*

Rightyo, so today hasn’t been too bad. There really isn’t anything overly amazing to report on though. Seamus set fire to his eyebrows whilst he tried again to make the Wideye Potion. It was funny, but a little scary at the same time though. I don’t know how he managed to do it – he’s always accidentally setting fire to stuff. I managed to catch up with him during lunch to see if he was alright – he is, thankfully. He has no eyebrows, but he’s okay. Apparently, Madam Pomfrey said that they should grow back before the beginning of the next academic year. I’m starting to wonder if the fiery colour of the Potion had something to do with it. Herbology was okay too. Josie sat with us again. I think that Professor Sprout was particularly happy about this, because it meant that me and Jed didn’t give her silly answers to the questions that she asked. Charms and Transfiguration weren’t too bad either.

Ooowh, and I very, very, very nearly got Flintifors. Professor McGonagall gave us each a teeny-tiny mouse and it was our choice as to whether we practised turning it into a matchbox (which I tried) or a snuffbox. I managed to transform mine into a small, flat box. But it didn’t really look like a matchbox. It didn’t have a rough side to strike a splint. At first when Professor McGonagall examined it, she seemed impressed. “Nice attempt, Miss Frost,” she said as she nodded at me. “You are definitely getting there.” However, when she slid the centre compartment open, she shuddered, before snapping it back closed. “Perhaps you may want to concentrate a little harder and try again,” she muttered with a stern expression, as she placed the matchbox back on my table. I frowned at her as she walked away. Wondering what Professor McGonagall was so irritated by, Jed picked up my matchbox and looked inside.

“Erm… MJ,” he muttered. “I think you forgot to remove the mouse,” he said as he slid the matchbox towards me. Opening the centre compartment, I jumped, dropping the box onto the table. A pair of eyes stared back at me and a little nose with whiskers began to twitch. I snapped my eyes shut and let out a breath. Being a witch is hard work. You have to put up with some rather terrible surprises.

- Josie -

Bottling Everything Up

I have to bottle everything up. I’m not allowed to think or feel the things that I do, so I have to bottle everything up. I have no family or friends to vent or even just share my day with, so I have to bottle everything up.

I just feel completely hopeless. My life is just an endless loop and I’m struggling to cope with it. I’ve lost everything that matters to me… everything I care about and I’m just stuck with this, so I have to keep bottling everything up.

I have no other family than whom I live with. No friends. No way out. I’m trapped and there is nothing I can do about it.

Home is hard. Work is horrible.

Everywhere to rent in my area was couples only before the pandemic, now renting is even stricter. I found the cheapest place to buy ever, but can’t get a mortgage, because I’m single and have no family or friends to add as a booster. Now the house is sold, so there’s that dream gone.

I just feel as though, if I disappeared or no longer existed, no one would notice. No one would care. My life has no point and I have no purpose to anyone. So, I just have to keep bottling everything up.

I want change. I want new. I want different. I want to be happy again and do nice things. Even my memories aren’t enough to shake this feeling anymore.

There is a heavy pressure, in my head, that never goes away. I usually don’t notice it that much, because it is my normal, however, it’s getting worse. I’ve only ever found one thing that helped, but I lost that a long time ago.

A therapist told me, over two years ago, that I will meet someone, one day, who will just take a chance on me. Things will happen fast and we’ll live together – just me and them, no third party. And then, and only then, after 3-6 months will things start to feel okay. But the longer I wait and the longer things continue as they are, the harder it will be for this to happen. That was over two years ago. Now, I just feel like a ticking time bomb. I don’t have much time left before my last chance is over. I just have to keep bottling everything up.

I have tried so hard to be positive. I’ve been listening to positive subliminals. I’ve been doing positive affirmations. But bad things still happen… and thinking positively only makes the bad things feel worse.

I’m lost. I just have to keep bottling everything up.

A lot of people, I know, have been hospitalised, or become seriously ill over the last eighteen months. I’ve heard of a handful of deaths. I’ve tried reaching out to people, knowing that life is short. I tried making amends, but no one wants me.

I pretend that I’m happy and bouncy all the time at work. I have to. No one believes in mental health. I bottle everything up and pretend that I’m okay. A lot of the time, I am okay… but it’s because I keep bottling everything up.

Today I feel upset, but I have to keep bottling everything up.

The only person I want to talk to, lives over twenty miles away and I have no way of contacting them. I have no phone number, no email, no address.

I just want to not feel worthless. I want to matter to someone. I want to feel safe. I want to have someone to talk to, but until then, I have to keep bottling everything up.

- Josie -