I was trying to distract myself from thinking about how my brain might have arrived at the point in time where it can no longer feel certain emotions. I know what the emotions are, and I know that I should be feeling them in social situations and I am successful in making everyone around me believed that I am happy, but I’m not fully feeling the feeling.

Anyways, I wanted to think of creative things to try to distract myself, but I am struggling to do that today. I know that my thoughts are spiralling, and I am thinking of too many different things that all should have been done weeks ago, but still can’t happen yet, but a thought dawned on me today. I miss having someone to talk about creative ideas with. I miss being able to bounce creative ideas back and forth with someone. I haven’t had that interaction in a long time. Maybe that’s why you’re supposed to marry someone that you went to university with, so that you have the specific interest, that forms your personality, in common. I tried that. I dated my university friend from January until June of 2020. At the time, I didn’t want to date someone for the sake of dating someone. I didn’t want to date someone just so that I wasn’t alone. I’m completely content being by myself, but I feel like society won’t let me. If I was still dating… we will call him James… I wouldn’t be happy. But to the entire world, I would be. Everyone would think that everything was okay. I would have no doubt convinced myself that being with James was the right thing to do, as that was what I was supposed to do, but I wouldn’t have been happy. I am more happy being on my own than I would have been marrying someone that isn’t the someone that I wanted to marry, but I could never marry the person that I wanted to marry, so I should have just settled for second best, right? If I had, I still would have had that creative person to bounce ideas off of. I would have had word games, puns and poetry to distract me from the real world. I could have lived in a little bubble, sheltered by the trifle tower, the statue of liver tea and the leaning tower of pizza. It would have been nice, but it still wouldn’t have been the same as getting excited about choices that Peter the privateer must make, to decide if he is to continue to mission under the trusted care of Captain Halakan, with protection from King Charleston, or if he wants to join the cold-hearted killer pirates, on Blagden’s crew… or what battles a chaotic neutral, half-elf, messenger, named Echo, would get up to, as she carries important messages for the Jarl across the land, accidentally gets captured, along with the village bard, escapes, but is stuck with the bard following her around, as her companion, only to discover that he used to be a freedom fighter, years ago, and becomes a great help, when she has to sneak into the Orc encampment. I really miss that.

I used to have a friend, from university, that I could talk to about creative things, but she got married ten years ago, so following the unspoken rules of being female and getting married, we could no longer be friends, because that is what happens when you are female and get married. You aren’t allowed to keep in touch with any of your friends. Your only friends must be your husband’s friends wives. That is until you have children and they are old enough to go to school, then you are allowed to have friends again, but it must only be your child’s friend’s mum that you are allowed to befriend. Men have it easy. They don’t have to change their name. They don’t have to change their friend group. They don’t have to carry a marriage certificate around with them for ID purposes for the rest of their lives. Only women who have a feeling that their husband will leave them, one day, or they will need to leave him, keep a friend from their life before marriage.

I guess, I just miss having a friend to be creative with. But I am too old to have a friend of any kind, because everyone middle-aged is married, with teenage children. I know I am old enough to be a grandma. I shouldn’t have hobbies or time to myself. You aren’t allowed to do any of those things, once you have children, so I know I am being selfish by wanting me time, to do something for myself, at my age. Maybe I just want a break from all of the stressful things that are happening… like having to wait four whole months for an appointment to have electricity, while being on the priority register.

I had a dream, not last night, but the night before… I barely remember any of it at all, but what I do remember is, I was sat at a local café with someone from my past and we were just happily talking. I have no idea what about, that is literally all I remember about the dream. Maybe that is what has sparked this creative thoughts rant.

I just don’t want to be an adult, for one day. I want to forget about how stressful life admin is, just for one day. It has been none stop stress every single day for over two months. I just want a day where I can actually be calm and just think about stories and creative thoughts and maybe spend some time with a friend, who can make me smile. Just an innocent hot drink and a friendly conversation. Is that too much to ask?