I
once had a feeling that something was missing. I remember the date to this day.
The 21st December 2019. I never did decide if it really was a sign
from the universe that something was missing (or maybe it was that something was
different, as two days later, I did find out that I was pregnant), or if it was
just because a close family friend was having a life changing operation and
could have died. Luckily he didn’t, but I still feel guilty that he went
through that operation, because he really didn’t have to, and one of his
reasons for wanting to was so that he would be physically able to walk me down the
aisle one day, as my “father” figure. Well, I’ve never gotten married, and now
I’m too old to.
Anyways, this ramble isn’t
about that. My thoughts were drawn to that moment in time, because today, something
feels different, and I don’t know why. It isn’t now, necessarily, but at some
point today, I felt strange, and I can’t quite figure out how to explain it. It
wasn’t that something was missing… it was almost the opposite. Is that the right
word? Probably not. Hmm… I guess different is the right word. It was only for a
moment, but it was as though I felt like I did at some point in my past, but I
can’t pinpoint at wheat point, when, where or why. I just remember feeling a
very strange feeling of familiarity, but that this was something really distant
at the same time.
I know I am not making any sense
at all, but I’m not really sure how to make sense of it. It was almost like
something outside of my control finally fell into place, without me knowing it.
Again, I know that sounds weird and it is weird, but it isn’t at the same time.
My mum knows that certain things are going to happen before they do, and not
normal things, like the rain or the postman arriving. I mean, she will have a random
memory of a person that she hasn’t seen for ages pop into her head and within
minutes, she will see them. Sometimes she serves a customer and knows that that
specific interaction is the last time that she will ever speak to them and then
a couple of days (sometimes even minutes later, on their walk home) they die.
Now, I’m not saying that my mum
is a psychic or anything like that. But it does make me wonder if some people
are more sensitive to connecting with thoughts and feelings than others. It’s
like how if one identical twin gets stung by a bee as a child, when they are
adults, neither of them is sure which one got stung by the bee.
The human brain is more
complicate than a lot of people believe it to be. Today, I spent the day
sorting through my belongings and attempting to declutter. I filled a bin liner
with donations for the charity shop. It was only one bag, but it was a start, and
I tidied up my things in preparation for moving one day… although at the moment,
it is looking like I will have paid my mortgage for an entire year before I
will be moving in. So, my thought process was, maybe my brain was remembering a
time when I had a sort out, at some point in the past, and it put me in the
same mind set that I was in back then.
The strangest things about it all, is that
my brain feels like it was in a similar place in time to right before I felt
like something was missing. Could it be possible that I misplaced something for
five and a half years, and I found it today, but I had no conscious recognition
of it. I guess that is plausible. I’m not quite sure what else it could be. It’s
not like I’m in the Sims and someone is returning the thing that they removed
from my life all those years ago that I have no recollection of. And I have a
pretty good memory.
I do wonder if it is because I have been
over-using up my brain’s mental energy these past few months. I have a constant
heavy, fuzzy head that doesn’t go away. There is no relief from it, because I never
stop over working my mental energy. If I’m not working, I’m doing life admin
and paying bills. My brain doesn’t even stop, while I’m asleep. I wake up in
the night, around 5-7 times. If I go to sleep around 8:30pm and wakeup at
4:55am, I usually get around six hours sleep. The nightmare/night terrors haven’t
been that bad, but my imagination has been very overactive and panicky. I haven’t
been able to remember any dreams – aside from an off Caitlyn and Jay one that I
really wanted to turn into a short story, but I know I will never have the time
to.
And now, I am so tired that I can’t even
remember the point to my ramble. There was a point to the ramble of my
thoughts, as I try to fall asleep. I know that, earlier today, I had a conclusion
to this mess of a ramble. Maybe it will come back to me in the morning. Hopefully
I won’t shout, “Fusilli,” again in my sleep tonight.
Goodnight to that one, random bot in Isreal
that always provides a view for my blog.
- Josie -
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