Today Was Hard

Work has been really tough today. Not because of the workload. Not because of Jeff – although Jeff always makes the day intense and severely overwhelming for me. There is a young guy, at work, who has the same type of autism that I do. He gets overwhelmed with being around too many people, too many sounds and too much going on. Four weeks ago, he was really spaced out at work. I knew that something was wrong. I do that too when my brain doesn’t want to work anymore. It just wants to stare at the wall, sometimes for hours, days, weeks and think of nothing, because if you think of something, only negative thoughts come through.
          He has been off work now for three weeks. At the beginning of the first week and the second, he phoned in sick, however, when our manager phoned him, on Friday, of last week, he didn’t answer. The only person that he talks to, outside of work, is the other goods-in guy, Vic, who is 71 years old and retiring in June. Vic tried getting in touch with Gleb, but he heard nothing from him either. Our manager tried again on Tuesday, and Gleb answered the phone. Vic told me that all James would tell him is Gleb has given up and won’t go to the doctor or do anything to help himself. I know why he hasn’t. It’s because he can’t. He physically can’t do it.
          When I get into this thought process, my mum always screams in my face, “Well, you’re going to die then,” and storms off, slamming the door in my face, which makes everything even worse and even harder. The only thing that ever gets me thought these episodes, is thinking that someday, I want to see the one person from my past who meant the world to me and have him say that he doesn’t hate me, and that he’s proud of me. Deep down, I know that I am never going to see this man again. And when I am in a good place, I have no need to have validation from him. He doesn’t care about me, so why should I care what he thinks. I don’t. But when I get into that frozen state of mind, the only thing that has ever go me out of it, is that thought. That I will see him again and he will say that he doesn’t hate me.
          Gleb doesn’t have anyone. He is from Romania and left several years ago, alone, to start a new life over here. He lives in a house share and never interacts with the other people in the house. He is very friendly to the staff, at work. He gets along with everyone. Sometimes he loses his temper, and most people don’t understand and retaliate to him, but the majority of the time, things are fine. I had my review with the company director, last week, and despite the review being about me and my progress, he spent a lot of time praising Gleb and telling me how proud he is of him and how far he has come. But outside of work, he has no one.
          I cried the majority of yesterday. I felt so guilty. I wish that there was something that I could say or do to help him. I wanted to be there for him. I wanted to be able to tell him that I know what it is like, and that we could get through it together. I don’t want him to give up and do something stupid, because he cannot cope with the emptiness feeling of not being able to do, think or feel anything. I nearly lost someone, whose thoughts went down a similar process. It brought back all of the thoughts and feelings from that day too. It hurts so much knowing that I can’t reach out to him and tell him that I know how he feels, I know what’s going on in his head and I want to help.
         Vic is going to try to get our accounts/HR lady to give him Gleb’s address, so that he can stand outside of his flat for the entire weekend, and text him to say that he is there if he needs him. I really don’t think that our accounts lady will give it to him, though. She is a lovely lady, and I get along with her really well, but she can be really strict and snappy, when it comes to HR related things. Gleb needs this though. Gleb needs the one person that he can talk to, to appear at his flat and not leave his side, until he is ready to see him. It is so heartbreaking. I am crying my eyes out, as I am writing this. I just want to help him. I want him to know that things will get better. It is worth trying.
          I hate knowing that someone is struggling. I always do everything I can to make sure that I can, somehow, prevent them from feeling alone. Even if it means telling your best friend’s husband, behind her back, that she is struggling and is being selfish and doesn’t want her family or friends to know. Yes, she pushed me away. Yes, it was upsetting, but I know that I did the right thing. She and her husband have been married nearly elven years now. I have no contact with her anymore, but at least I know that Jack knows about Mel’s mental health struggles and will never let her struggle alone. I wish more than anything, when I struggle, that I had someone who cared enough to try to get through to me, when I am having an episode, where I can’t do anything. I am not fortunate enough to have that. People who are married and have family don’t realise how lucky they are. I know what it is like to have no one, be completely alone in the world and have your brain shut down, where you can’t think or do anything, but stare at the wall. The thought of speaking to the doctor or anyone makes everything feel worse. The thought of moving makes everything feel worse. The thoughts of doing anything is impossible. I never want someone to ever have to suffer that alone.

- Josie -