I’m sorry. I miss you. The past few months have been hard. I’m not sorry for ending things and pushing you away, because our communication expectations were never aligned, and you would have been the end of me. It doesn’t mean that I don’t still love and care about you. It doesn’t mean that I don’t still miss you and hope you are okay. It doesn’t mean that I don’t still want to hold you and feel safe. Yes, I can be independent and feel safe in my own company, but right now the world feels like such a scary place, remembering the positive times are helping things to feel less scary. I still can’t sleep though. Going into work on zero sleep tomorrow, having walked out part way through the day today is so scary. Why is it wrong to be professional and to only say “morning” and “bye” to someone you have zero respect for and their existence upsets you? If I have zero work interaction with them, why can’t I just focus on work? Why is it wrong to not engage in none-work conversations, especially when doing so gets reported on your HR file? I just want to turn up, do my work and go home. Why is that wrong? Why am I wrong for being professional and not making a deal out of a falling out and just getting on with my job? Why is the world so hard and scary? Why can’t I just have the positive days with you and and a drama-free day at work? Why does everything have to be so childish at work? I’m the youngest in the office part, but most of them act like teenagers. Why can’t everyone just act like the thirty and forty-something year olds that they are and grow up? I just want a cuddle and to be told that everything is going to be okay. I’ve never had that… and I probably never will, but I can pretend that you’re here, holding me and telling me that today was all a bad dream and work isn’t really full of childish middle-aged people, and telling me that acting professionally and only using pleasantries and talking about work isn’t wrong. I’m so scared. I’m so alone in the world and so scared. Why is everything I do wrong?
My mum says that I have to apply to retail jobs as it is my own fault that I can't et a job, because I am looking at office jobs. The closest place that has any retails jobs, that aren't GSM, is where you live, so I can't apply to those. I have been applying to jobs since January. You said I need a backup job. Now I can't even get a reply from anyone, just automatic nos minutes after applying, and I am only applying to safe jobs that match, practically, word for word what I am doing now. I don't understand what I am doing wrong there either.
I don't want my entire life to feel scary anymore. I miss the you that I knew for the first few months of knowing you, who communicated with me like I was their partner, who saw me like I was their partner, who loved me like I was their partner. That felt safe. I miss that. I miss that you. I hope you are okay. I miss knowing if you are okay. I worry whether you are okay, and whether you are looking after yourself properly. I worry that you hide a lot of yourself and your feelings and you put on a positive, jokey personality for everyone else. You are probably the happiest you have ever been, with a partner who makes you very happy, and you want to communicate with her and share your world with her. I want that for you. You deserve that. You deserve every happiness in the world. I know I wasn't that person for you. I really waned to be. You will know when you find her, because you will treat her like your partner. That's how you know when you have found the one. You will always be my favourite person.
