Struggling

My last day’s holiday was the 1^st of January. My next day’s holiday is the 24^th of December. I can’t believe we aren’t halfway there yet. I feel so mentally drained. Yes, I am grateful that I get the weekends and bank holidays off, but it is still 230 days until I get eleven days off, because of how Christmas falls, unless of course, I get another job and I work somewhere that doesn’t close over Christmas, then I will never have another day’s holiday. That is a little scary.

I was supposed to have been off work this week. I was supposed to be in France. Instead, I am single and without a holiday, possibly ever again. I will try dating apps again, but I am so scared that I am just going to keep meeting people that give me severe anxiety, and blame me for not coping when they treat me badly.

To add on top of this, I found out a few days ago, someone who was once my potential father-in-law has passed away. I feel so guilty that I have no been close to him for the past ten years. He helped me a lot growing up. He helped me to study for my A-levels. He helped me to understand British history and revise for my English Civil War exam. He taught me football, so that I could join in with the boys. He and his wife gave me a safe environment to be in, growing up, when my own home was toxic and broken. He was a very caring, loving and welcoming man. It hurts to hear that he has passed. He retired from teaching last summer and apparently passed away in January. Someone casually told me of his passing casually, as if that was just a normal things to say in passing. There are a lot of wobbly thoughts and upset emotions surrounding me at the moment, as I haven’t really had that chance to properly process this.

It has made me really understand that life is too short. I want to be able to treat every day as though it is my last, and never wish that I had said things or done things differently. I can never have another opportunity to have another conversation with him. To thank him for all that he did for me all of those years ago. I regret the distance that there had been for a little over ten years. And now it is too late.

 

- Josie -

I Miss You

I know I’m not allowed to reach out, and I’m not allowed to speak to or message you, but it doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. I know I’m the one who had to say goodbye, but it was because you were being avoidant, which was hurting me, and had been hurting me for a long time. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. I still miss all of the good times, all of the happy memories, all of the cuddles, all of the forever promises. I miss sitting on the settee together, watching a film together. I miss sitting on a park bench with you and watching the world pass us by. I miss cuddling you, and how safe I felt in your arms. I miss who you were before your entire personality changed on the 30^th of November. Occasionally, part of you returned, for small pockets of time, and I held onto that you so tightly that it hurt. I was so desperate for that you to return. I miss you so much. Today has been a cry in bed all day kind of day, because no matter what I try to start or what I try to do, my heart just keeps reminding me of you. I didn’t leave because I didn’t care. I left because I cared and it was hurting me. I still love you and I still miss you. I’m scared that if I told you I miss you, it still wouldn’t fix things. What if you were still avoidant, distant, inconsistent and unable to provide basic human communication? What if you’ve moved on, don’t care anymore or found someone else? All of those things are valid and you’re completely allowed to have those things… and you’re allowed to have not changed and not be able to offer basic communication that I need to feel safe. None of those things mean that this doesn’t hurt still… that I’m not still in love with you… that I don’t still miss you. I will always love you, and I will always miss you. Today has just felt really hard. I just want my Dexter cuddle and for everything to feel okay again. I haven't stopped crying. I haven't stopped caring. I haven't stopped loving you.

- Josie - 

My New Planner

Eeep! Okay, I can’t help it! I need to share how absolutely wonderful my new planner and the tab stickers that I got from a seller on Etsy are!

          My planner was custom made, on Personal Planner. They are a Swedish company and it is the most high quality notebook I have ever had. The pages are so thick, my new EnerGel pen, by Pentel, is never going to bleed through to the next page. I got to personalise the front and back covers. I could have used my own photographs, but I went with something simple, a nice mint green, and my writer’s name is along the bottom. I was able to personalise the inner cover (with contacts in case it ever gets lost) and I got to pick a theme for the pages, the design, the colour, the font and the layout. It just looks absolutely perfect.

  

 

 My only downside was that I loved the page tabs on my old planner (that ended in December 2024). As I was personalising a planner in May, and regular page dividers were never going to fit a spiral bound planner, and I would have had to cut slits into them and they would never sit level and that would bother me, so I found a creator on Etsy, who makes personalised mini tabs. They are stickers that you stick right on the edge of the page. I am absolutely in love with these. I got to pick the colour, the font and the three characters that go on them (May, through to April, then STO, LST, DRM, NTS and EXT). I have just stuck them all in and I am absolutely over the moon. This planner is my baby. Now, I just have to hope that I can find something to look forward to, to plan in here. I should have been in France this week, so I am going to be very mopey and feeling sorry for myself. I am trying really hard to keep busy, so that I don’t get upset.

 

- Josie -