Avoiding An Avoidant

 

The only people that I seem to have relationships with act like they are still in their late teens or early teens, yet I have never dated anyone below the age of thirty. Emotionally immature people, or avoidants, as they seem to be called nowadays should never be allowed on dating apps. It should be against the law. They should be forced to pay compensation to the partner that they mentally abuse, and they should spend time in prison, just to learn their lesson.

I will never date another person who blames me for being too anxious and to, “get help,” when they are the one who created the anxiousness. Whenever I do see a doctor and explain how I am feeling, they always tell me that I am only anxious because my partner caused me to feel this way.

 

I have seen a handful of doctors, used the Samaritans (before they removed email as a form of contact a few weeks ago) and there is an “Avoidants” group of Threads. They have all helped me to piece together the following ramble of thoughts:

 

Avoidants make deep connections with you. They show up in the beginning, vibe heavy, and then vanish emotionally, once it is real. They think that they don’t owe you communication. Meanwhile, you’re sitting there wondering what you did wrong. They confuse intimacy with danger, so when you ask questions, wanting consistency or express emotions, they see it as, “too much.” It is not too much to want transparency and care from someone you are connecting with. This causes anxiety, confusion and depression in healthy people, and make anxious people even more anxious, people who suffer from depression feel even more depressed. It isn’t “bad timing” it is emotional unavailability being normalised. This is not healthy and it is not okay. This is a form of mental abuse. Avoidant behaviour is the silent contribute to the biggest emotional damage in dating.

 

Don’t give unlimited chances to someone who offers limited effort. Repetition isn’t growth. Patterns don’t lie. If they wanted to do better, they would.

You can’t fix their lack of effort by putting in more effort. Love only works when it is reciprocated. You can’t fix someone’s inconsistency by trying harder. You fix it by stepping back and watching what they do. If they disappear when you stop working hard and chasing, that’s your answer.

Someone who keeps you “in the loop” but never commits isn’t standing by you. They are keeping you on standby. Delayed clarity is still avoidance.

Someone who cares makes space. Someone who doesn’t makes excuses. It’s not your jobs to convince someone to show up for you. It’s your job to leave, when they don’t.

The right person won’t make you earn their effort and affection. You won’t have to fight for a place in their life. They make space for you without being asked to.

Consistency is the truest form of love. Not grand gestures or empty promises, just showing up, day after day, with honesty and effort.

 

 

They don’t need you consistently, they need you on demand. Warm when they feel empty, gone when closeness activates them. Your care becomes something they access, not something they build with you.

 

You’re not a girlfriend; you’re a nervous system tool. They come close, feel safe, get overwhelmed, pull away.

 

An avoidant makes me think: If I stay calm, ask for less, and don’t push, but keep shrinking and shrinking and shrinking myself, they might communicate with me at someone point. But then you hold onto that tiny breadcrumb so tightly, with all of your desperation and you feel that you should be grateful for that teeny, tiny offering. That isn’t love. That isn’t a relationship.

 

When you bring up concern, they say that you are the problem. They shift focus onto your tone, your timing, your emotions, anything to avoid the issue. They refuse to put themselves in your shoes and see how/why you might be feeling that way.

 

They ignore your needs and act attacked when you express simple human needs. Asking for clarity, connection and basic communication gets twisted into being “too much” or “too emotional.”

 

They do what they want without considering you There is no mutual planning, no collaboration, just important life changing decisions made on their terms, without asking for your opinion, without discussing it with you beforehand. You are an after thought to their plans. They expect you to just follow along with it, because you are there.

 

Real conversations are avoided at all costs. The moment things get vulnerable or uncomfortable, they withdraw.

 

Being left feeling like everything is always your fault. Leaving you to question yourself, your worth and your expectations, even though all you wanted was basic communication and basic emotional safety. That’s not asking too much. You’re not asking for too much, you are just dealing with someone who refuses to take responsibility and expects you to carry the emotional burden alone.

 

The hardest part of a breakup is losing your best friend. Watching them turn on you, like everything we built means nothing. The thin line between love and hate. It hurts so much.

 

If you could come back and say you’re sorry, that you miss me and you want to try, I would take you back in a heartbeat. I would hold your hand and help you; we could work on things together. The most heartbreaking part is that a lot of avoidants never learn, or never change. I had an ex-partner who did. He found someone who was good enough for him to want to change. I am proud of him for learning, evolving and for not treating his, now, wife, the way that he treated me for four years. I hope that you can learn and change your ways too. I love you and I miss you, but I can’t cope with being in a friends-with-benefits situationship with an avoidant.

 

- Josie -