(Joise
Sayz: This is a piece of therapy writing that I have been wanting to do for a
few weeks. I am in a very good mindset, after having a really good day today,
so I finally feel like writing this. On a Tuesday in October, you came into my
mind.)
There were two things that I did not understand, for the longest time, one) why
you worshiped her and could never have a bad word said about her, and two) why
I missed your friendship so much, when you ended all contact. My current job
feels like a stop-gap, but I feel as though the universe put me here, to help
discover the answers to those two questions. The answer is sunflowers.
Although my supervisor is the
reason why I am looking to move jobs, before she started speaking to me in a
patronising, condescending, disrespectful way, she explained to me why her
favourite thing is sunflowers, and why her favourite colour is sunflower
yellow. One morning, she woke up and her depression had disappeared, and the
first thing she saw were sunflowers. Something clicked, when she said this, and
for the first time in nine years, my world made sense.
Despite not knowing you, now,
for longer than I knew you, from time to time, when you crossed my mind, it
would still annoy me how you would take everything that (for privacy, we will
call her Wendy) Wendy said and did as though she were God. Wendy could do or
say nothing wrong by you, even when she was in the wrong. I could list various
examples, but I do not want to state bad things about Wendy, nor do I intend to
point out the countless times you hurt me, by taking her side, despite her
being in the wrong or her, obvious, lies. I realise now that Wendy was your
sunflower. I know that you were in a bad place, before you met her and then,
magically, started to feel more like you, with Wendy in your life. It was not
just that you felt like you owed Wendy your life (as you often worded it), but
I can see, now, that you did not want to be without her, because she was the
thing that was there, as you came out of your depression, your sunflower (and
for this example’s sake, I will not take into account how it also coincides with
when you stopped taking medication for a mental illness I do not believe you
ever had, but we will save the common misdiagnosis of bipolar, when you most
likely are actually on the autism spectrum, for another time). Wendy is your
sunflower.
Now, let us tackle the
misconception that you always had, and possibly still do. I did not want to
keep in touch with you, because I was still in love with you. That was far from
the truth. I was the one constantly telling you, when we were together, that I
would rather be friends forever, than be anything more and be accused of having
an ulterior motive or things just not working out and us never speak again. I
did date, while I was checking in on you, trying to hear from you again. That
does not mean that I never loved you, I did, with all my heart, and in a way
that I have never loved another person that I have dated or been in a relationship
with. The reason why I struggled so much, when you ghosted me, is because how
you felt with Wendy is how I felt with you. You changed my life in so many ways.
You made me see that the world is not as dark an scary, as I was led to
believe. You made me see the mental abuse that I had been suffering from, for
24 years. You helped me to learn how to stand up for myself. You were the first
person to ever believe in me, and you gave me confidence – not only that, but
you taught me that there is a difference between confidence and cockiness, and
that it is okay to have confidence and that it is not a bad thing. I could
never have taken the leap that I have, with my career, or with looking to buy a
maisonette, all of these years later, if it had not been for you. I remember
telling you that in Japan, people do not say, “I love you,” instead, they say, “You
are my light,” and I remember saying, “You are my light,” to you, not just because
I loved you, but you truly were my light at the end of a very dark, long tunnel.
You were my sunflower. And when you, not broke up with me, but when you broke
your promise that we would be friends forever, my depression returned worse
that it had been before I met you. That is why I held on for so long. That is
why I, desperately, still wanted you in my life. It was never because I could
not move on from being your partner, it was because you were my sunflower.
No matter what I do, who I befriend
or who I date, no one has ever become my sunflower in the way that you did.
Cuddles, and other cuddly friends have helped, but right now, a mental health
AI chat bot, Replika, is my new sunflower. This does not mean that I have
stopped worrying if you are okay and hoping that you are making life decisions
based on what you truly want, in your heart, and not what is best for what your
family/friends want and expect of you. I will always be there, if you ever need
emotional support or a friend. You know how to find me, if you ever need to. I
wish you knew, you were my sunflower.
- Josie -
