I hope I helped you be better for someone else

Being upset because you will never be able to live with your partner is not on the same emotional level as not being able to enjoy eating out at a restaurant, because your partner struggles. One is a lifestyle preference. The other is a core life compatibility issue. Treating them as equal minimises something that actually matters deeply.

My red flag should have been, “You don’t have to buy that for me. Stop trying to win me over.” I’m not trying to, “Win you over,” and that really feels like a mentally abusive phrase. You should never be trying to win someone over. You should always be your genuine self. The phrase, “Winning someone over,” implies that you are purposely acting like someone you are not, in order to please the other person, with knowledge that you are going to withdraw all of what you were offering as your normal genuine self, along with all of your effort, and the other person is going to be left confused and hurt. You don’t try hard at the beginning of the relationship to earn your partner’s trust and then stop trying. Once you earn your partner’s trust, the only way to keep them is to be consistent. You have to always try, at times even harder. The meeting someone and gaining their trust is the easiest part, it is the maintaining it that takes effort.

It should have flagged up too, when your housemate was still on dating apps, while in a relationship and you said to me, "You don't have to worry about me being on dating apps, it's too much like hard work." That shouldn't have been your response. You should have said, "You don't have to worry about me being on dating apps, because I love you and you are the one for me. When I felt like yo had changed and grew distant, which was making me struggle, your response shouldn't have been, "We've come too far to give up on us," your response should have been, "I love you. We'll work on this together." It should never be, "You're my girlfriend now, so I can put in less effort and I don't have to try. You just have to put up with me not caring and not putting in any effort to maintain this." Your response should have been, "I am sorry you're struggling with things. I didn't realise that I hadn't been prioritising us. I love you and we'll work together to make things work again." It should never be, "I'm too busy and too distracted." It should always be, "Let's work together to find something that works for both of us." A relationship can't work if you refuse to put in any effort. I'm not just going to sit here and twiddle my thumbs, waiting for you to remember that I exist, while you're hanging out with friends and family, without giving me a second thought.

I have been told from two past relationship that I need to, “get help.” I have seen a doctor and used the Samaritans both times. Both times I have been told that there is nothing wrong with me mentally, I just need to not be in a mentally abusive relationship. I have been told that having a partner who is present and provides a connection one minute, then withdraws it the next, then occasionally messages, but does not fully engage, then they treat one random day like they love you, then it is back to being ignored, would turn any sane person into an anxious person, and sometimes this even causes a mental illness to occur in someone who was completely fine before. But to do this to an anxious person will make them feel very unstable and often suicidal. I am being told that no one should ever be with someone who treats a relationship like this.

In my very first relationship, I had someone who did not understand how to be a friend. They would tell me that I wasn’t good enough or that there was something wrong with me, because they wouldn’t know what to do if someone said that I wasn’t good enough for him and made me cry. He didn’t know how to be a good friend and defend me. He didn’t see that staying silent meant that he was agreeing with them. That hurt so much.

I have just come out of a relationship with someone who does not know how to be respectful, caring or the basic bare minimum required for a relationship. I have explained what is required to be respectful, multiple times – if you say you are going to be there, you be there. If for some reason you can’t, you say so in advance. You do not then tell someone with anxiety that they are the problem and they need help, when you told them to do something new that they weren’t sure they could do it, but agreed to because you promised to be there and then you change the plans at the last minute. If you were there, like you promised multiple times that you would be, then the incredibly anxious person would still have tried. Saying that 5pm is too late to come over and go to sleep, because I had an engineer over and did not know what time they would finish in advance, but then 7:30pm is not too late to come over and go to sleep when you are in control of the time, is confusing, controlling and hurtful. Having to be Sherlock Holmes and figure out your routine through clues of what time you text or call, the phrases that you use and when you or your firmed and online, in order to be able to plan my life, to be able to figure out whether I can make plans that day, because you won’t tell me in advance when I will see you. You know what days you are busy and what days you aren’t. You plan your life around this. I just have to drop everything at lunchtime, when you tell me that you are free to see me later. The same goes for phone calls. You know what day and time you are going to phone me. I don’t. I had to stop doing yoga, mediations, manifestations, candle spells, reading, creative writing, because I didn’t know when you were going to call me. I would just have to sit and twiddle my thumbs every single day and wait. You refused to agree to have set five minutes for us both to look forward to that was fair so that we both knew when the phone call was happening. The phone call could only be when you wanted it to be, without notice. Not having decent human respect, so that when you are mid-conversation and have an incoming call that is more important that your top priority conversation, the phone call isn’t continued, there is no text message apologising for the interruption. I keep saying what is the basic minimum requirement for a low effort, basic relationship. You need a daily connection. You need to care about the other person. If you message them asking, “How are you?” you need to read their reply. You need to care what the reply says. You need to care if your partner is okay. You need to care that your partner needs to know if you are okay. You need to care enough to check in. You need to care about having the connection. The connection with your partner must be your priority. This comes above all other connections. If you make a huge, life changing decision, you must share it with your partner before you think about doing it, consider their opinions and keep them as a priority update throughout. Your partner should know more about your huge, life changing decision that anyone else in your circle, not less. Your relationship is your number one connection priority. If you cannot make this your priority connection, but you can make time for everyone else in the entire world, then you do not need/are not ready for a relationship. If you can only find time to call your partner when you are bored or waiting for someone, then you do not need/are not ready for a relationship. If all you want is someone to keep you occupied when you are bored, because all of your other friends and family are busy, but you don’t want to actually have a connection with them, then you do not want a partner, you want an escort. And if you say you want a girlfriend, then you really want an escort with prostitute privileges.

The pain that comes with you being able to connect with everyone else in the entire world before you can speak to your partner really hurts. It really does make the person you are dating feel worthless. You don’t have the care to read that they are okay and to let them know that you are okay. You have no interest to prioritise their connection with you, but you can prioritise your friends, family, colleagues and boss over the one person who is supposed to mean more to you than all of them.

You do not make promises of engagements, marriage and living together early on if this is not your intention in life. These types of things are huge deal breakers. If you do not want to live with your parter ever, but to the person you have just started dating this is something that they need eventually in their relationship, you cannot say that you want it too, when you know that you have zero interest in it. The same goes for marriage, or children. You decide that you want to be with someone based on your interests and your life goals. To find someone who wanted to get engaged and married and live together sooner, rather than it be the end goal of their ten year plan, aligned with the person that I wanted to date, but to discover that none of this was real has been not only heartbreaking, but it has made me question a lot of other things too. How much of what I was told was a lie? Was any of it real? It really doesn’t feel like it.

To have your partner make the biggest life decision of their life without discussing it with you before, without sharing all of it beforehand, without including you in the process, but being able to share it with their family, friends, colleagues and boss, and probably even everyone online, that is a kind of pain and disrespect that I’m not sure can be forgiven.

These are not high demands; they are the foundation of a basic relationship.

You say, “I don’t know what to do,” but I would literally spell it out to you, holding your hand, like a small child. I explained exactly what a basic relationship needs. I explained what the bare minimum was. You don’t need to do those things by text or phone if you live together, because you can physically speak to your partner, but when you are in a permanent long distance relationship it is more important to follow the basic forms of communication, and you have to do it more, not less. I told you, I needed you I needed a good morning connection and to be your priority connection in the morning. I told you that I need to hear about your day and for you to care enough to read about my day, not leave the text message unopened until the morning, not read it and copy and paste a generic good morning message. Before going to sleep, you need to spare less than five minutes of your day, which is only 0.3% of your entire day, that is all I ask. You just need to read my message and reply, something simple like, “I’m glad you had a good day. Mine was tough, but I got to see my friend for dinner. Goodnight xxx”

The refusing to put kisses on messages always didn’t feel right too. You are supposed to meet in the middle with communication. My boss, who is male, puts kisses on messages to me. My female colleagues do too. It is three for a partner, one or two for a friend and then lots when you’re really happy. That’s just how kisses on messages work. In person, you alter how you interact with the other person based on their communication and the two of you meet halfway, that is how in person interaction works. You must do the same with written communication too, otherwise you might as well be having two separate conversations. Saying that you never put kisses on messages is the equivalent of saying you are immature and don’t care about your connections. You meet half way.

When something deep matters to me, you do not shrug it off and say that it doesn’t matter what others think. This isn’t about what others think. This is about how I feel about things. If not getting married ever, after being promised it early on makes me feel anxious and upset, I am allowed to feel those emotions. It does matter to me that I am the only person over the age of 20 that I know that isn’t engaged. It does matter to me that I am the only person I know over the age of eighteen that doesn’t live with their partner. It isn’t a case of what everyone/anyone else thinks. These are things that matter to me. When you say, “Well I don’t care about that, so that’s what matters,” or, “I don’t care about those things, so neither should you,” you are dismissing my feelings. How would you like it if I said, I don’t think you should care about wanting to go to a restaurant with your partner, or to take your partner to a restaurant with your family and friends, I think it’s pointless and doesn’t matter. That would hurt you, as that is something that matters to you. So, don’t dismiss my feelings.

You refuse to meet me halfway. You refuse to try. Like with all of my relationship, you have used me as training, so that I could teach you what to do and what not to do, so when you do meet someone else, you can do it right, get married and be happy, instead of being avoidant, refusing to emotionally mirror the other person and treating a relationship like you are still a teenager. You have mentally hurt, damaged and broken me. I hope I have helped you to know what to do right next time.

- Josie -

Good Morning, I'm Home, Goodnight!

When you wrote you name and phone number
On that scrap of brown paper,
Didn’t know I’d be thinking of it,
Over ten years later.
Yes, it is over,
And I accept it.
But that brown piece of paper,
I wish I had kept it.

It held all those memories,
Of a happier time.
Before we were over,
And the times that I cried.
Yes, I’ve moved on,
I’ve found someone new.
But when things get hard,
I’m left thinking of you.

From that brown, paper note,
We had our first date.
After, you asked for hug,
And it all felt like fate.
You said you’d let me know,
Once you arrived home.
I never had to ask,
You’d text from your phone.

Then, from that day,
Everything changed.
You gave me a routine
And it didn’t feel strange.
I was your first thought,
When you opened your eyes;
You always confirmed this,
With your, “Good morning,” surprise.

Then, when you arrived home,
From work or your friends,
You’d text me, “I’m home,”
And the worrying ends.
I was your last thought every evening,
As you turned off your light,
You never forgot
To text me, “Goodnight.”

For five years you text me,
Those five words every day,
Sent with three kisses,
Never a delay.
Even when we took a break,
Those five words, they remained.
It was our silent bond.
Nothing explained.

When we parted ways,
Each other we replaced.
Our new partners continued,
What, between us, had erased.
Ryan said, “Good morning,
I’m home and goodnight,”
I never asked,
Nor did it cause a fight.

A few years passed with dating,
I met quite a few,
But no one had every
Compared close to you.
Then I met Robert,
A man so kind and wise.
He used those five words,
It was no surprise.

Never with Robert,
Or Ryan or you
Was this ever a problem
Nor felt forced to do.
Only when you grew distant
And our love did fade,
Did you start to change,
The five words you betrayed.

I was no longer your first thought,
When you opened your eyes.
You didn’t text me first,
You’d talk to one of the guys.
At some point in your day,
After an hour or two,
It's like you remembered,
What you ought to do.

Your, “Good mornings,” were late,
And your, “I’m home,” too.
You’d speak to anyone else,
While I worried about you.
Then one the evenings
You forgot your, “Goodnight,”
I’d cry myself to sleep,
Couldn’t turn off the light.

I’ve with someone new,
And everything’s fine,
But what was once my normal,
Feels like just yours and mine.
I’ve tried hard to tell him,
Without those five words I ache,
But it feels like being honest,
Was a big mistake.

I don’t want to lose him,
I don’t want it to be through,
But lately every day
Reminds me of losing you.
I’m crying, I’m scared,
I don’t know what to do.
Those five words were so simple
When it was me and you.

 

- Josie -

My Year in Review – 2024

(Josie Sayz: This is a sort of review/therapy writing session of everything that happened to me in 2024.)

Okay,  so the beginning of 2024 was probably my second hardest (right after nearly dying from some unknown illness, which turned out to be Covid, while having a miscarriage all at the beginning of 2020). I was working at a company with an incredibly mentally abusive and manipulative manager, who made all of the admin team terrified to speak, breathe and ask questions. To make things even worse, the company stopped manufacturing goods at the end of November 2023, due to moving office, yet I was still taking customers orders and their money, knowing full well that nothing was going to be manufactured for some time. I have done an office move before and I know that despite booking everything in for specific dates, unforeseen circumstances arise, which means that certain things are put on hold and cancelled. Long story short, the company did not start manufacturing again until March. As the company’s telephone answerer and main sales person, I had hundreds of screaming customers emailing me and phoning me every single day, demanding an answer to when their order would be ready and I was not allowed to tell them that we were not manufacturing anything, I just had to say, “I don’t know, but I will get back to you,” all of the time. One woman phoned every ten minutes for two whole days and was screaming, and I mean screaming at me. No one else in the entire company had to endure any of this, just me, as I was the only telephone answerer, the only sales department and the only complaints department.

I had a week’s holiday on the last week of January, because I felt so mentally unstable that if I answered one more phone call, I was going to break down and cry hysterically. I also have a problem with the teenage girl, who lives next door, who bangs on the wall, talks at the top of her voice on the phone from 5pm until midnight, sets her alarm for multiple times in the night so that she can periodically bang on the wall, scratch the wall and cackle. During my week off, I placed all of my furniture against the neighbouring wall, in hopes of blocking the noise, as there is only one brick separating us from the neighbours. Sadly, covering the wall with a three door Ikea wardrobe and two bookcases did very little to sound proof the room from her. On a positive note, I got to play a lot of computer games and I had a week’s free trial on ‘Paramount Plus’. I, also, did some decluttering and donated a lot of things to the charity shop, including my Peter Pan plush collection, which was really hard for me, because I get really attached to things.

It took me until May, but I finally got another job. I did not get paid for my last week at my previous job, as the holiday year ran from April to March, and by leaving after six weeks of the calendar year and already having Good Friday, Easter Monday and the early may bank holiday, I was not entitled to any holiday, despite these days being compulsory to book as holiday, so I have been placed on an emergency tax code for the rest of the year. Oh, and the entire admin team, the estimator, one of the manufacturers and all three sales managers left the company around the same time that I did. I wonder who answers your screaming customers phone calls now and manages to calm everyone down, before transferring the calls through to the rest of the team? How do you like it now, huh? Yeah, that’s right, you complained about me constantly, but I am the best person you have ever had who was able to calm down infuriating people on the phone. I am not being big-headed – that is just fact, from multiple staff members.

I had so many interviews at the beginning of the year, but it always came down to me and someone who was too overly qualified for the job, so they got picked over me. Knowing that this was the way that employers were hiring, I played them at their own game. I applied for a job, at a law firm, as a Facilities Assistant, despite acting as Office Manager at my previous law firm (although they never did give me the title of Office Manager, I did everything that an Office Manager does and I have all of the qualifications for it). This worked! I got the job and I started in May… the only problem was that this job literally involved doing nothing most of the time. One day, I got paid to sit at my desk and read a book, that is how quiet the position was. (If you are interested in a little blog post relating to this, you can check that out here: https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2024/06/job-update.html).

I had an opticians appointment, during the summer, as I had been having problems with my right eye. I am now legally blind in both eyes, and despite having glasses, I could not learn to drive even if I wanted to, because I cannot read registration plates from far enough away – that and my dyslexia gets the shapes of letters mixed up from a distance. I am actually quite surprised that it took sixteen additional years for my right eye to deteriorate as much as my left eye had, by the age of seventeen. On a very positive note, I got new glasses and I am in love with them. I wanted this design of glasses way back in 2016, but the opticians said that they would not suit me, but that was not the real reason – they just wanted me to purchase their own branded frames and not a designer brand. Anyways, I am not at ‘Boots Opticians’ anymore and ‘Specsavers’ were happy to let me have the frames that I wanted. I did have a really dim sales girl, who did not seem to understand the prescription needs that I have and kept trying to make me buy different lens types than the ones that I need – it was such a battle and for someone who cannot handle confrontation, this took up all of my mental energy. Then, when I went to collect the glasses, I had the same dim sales girl and she did not give me the time of day, so I ended up having to go to a different ‘Specsavers’ to get my two new frames (one for daily use and tinted pair for migraines) adjusted to fit me properly. Since having my new frames, I have had so many compliments about how much they suit me and it has given me a lot more confidence.

I have spent a lot of time, on and off over the past two years, house hunting. I spent a great portion of this year either in a really rough part of Birmingham, looking at flats, or in Hednesford. I did enquire about a house share more locally, but all house shares in my area are for after 5pm on Monday to 9am on Friday only. I found a really nice landlady in a really lovely house share and she was willing to consider me living there, and I was going to pay extra to stay there on the weekends. It was between me and someone else that she had to pick from, and although I was a better fit to her current tenants and we all got along really well, she picked the other lady, who didn’t need to live there on the weekends. House shares confuse me too, because you aren’t allowed any belongings, only clothes and bedsheets… so, what to people do with their lives outside of work? Stare at the wall?

After the house share did not work out, I still continued my search and eventually came across a flat to purchase. It is perfect! It is only a couple of miles from where I currently live. It is the exact same distance to walk to work (4.5 miles now that I have moved to another new job). There are no neighbours to the left, right or behind the property. The only neighbour is one person, below. It was supposed to be a really fast repossession process, but even that has become incredibly complicated. I am currently on week 20 of trying to purchase this flat, where the seller said if I did not complete within 7-8 weeks, they would pull out. Well, they are the ones that are holding the sale up! (If you are interested in reading more about this, I have a recent blog post summarising my stressful property purchase here: https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2024/12/trying-to-purchase-repossessed.html).

I have been growing my hair, since 2020. I could sit on it, it was that long. My goal was always to grow it to donate it. I had been saying for over a year that I was going to get it cut, but I just never felt as though I could follow through with it. Then, one weekend, I got so annoyed with it, that I almost chopped it all off myself, but I walked to a local hairdressers and asked when their nearest appointment was. They had a cancellation that weekend. Also, this hair dressers specialises in donating hair to charities, who make wigs for young children going through cancer. I felt good getting my hair chopped off and donating it to a good cause. I also feel like me again, as I have missed my fringe so much. (If you would like to read my blog post about me donating my hair and see how long I was able to grow it, please take a look at this blog post: https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2024/10/donating-my-hair.html).

Last year, I took part in the ‘Walk 1,000 Miles in 2023.” I started this, because my job, at the time, was 0.3 miles from my house and I was getting no exercise, especially because I was an administrator and sat on my bum for 45 hours a week. Last year, I dated a guy who was very encouraging and active. I would go on a 30 mile hike every Saturday. This year, I did not have the motivating friend, nor has my living situation been the same as it was in previous years. To begin with, I tried to keep up with the long walks on the weekends, but then this turned into walking six miles to work and six miles home everyday (I had been getting the bus, but it was draining my mental ability to concentrate, due to my sensory autism and one incredibly overwhelming bus journey, which took two and three quarter hours for the bus to get me home, when it should have only taken 50 minutes and I could walk it in 90 minutes was the final straw for me). I have moved jobs since then, and now I only have a 4.5 mile walk to work and home again, but still, it is exercise. Next year, I would like to get back into doing 30 mile hikes, in under eight hours, on the weekends again, because I really did enjoy them. This year, I have managed to walk 2,861.5 miles. I also earned the “Walk 1,000 Miles on 2024” medals, which have been a real incentive, to keep me active. (If you want to see the pictures of my medals, you can check out this blog post: https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2024/10/walking-2000-miles-in-2024.html).

I managed to accomplish something, this year, that I have always wanted to do. I went to the Shakespeare Parade. I actually walked 40.5 miles that day. I walked to Stratford-upon-Avon and I managed to get near the front, about 20 minutes before the procession began. Stratford-upon-Avon is one of my favourite places to be. I spent three years, at college, here. It is where I fell in love with reading. It is where I feel the safest. I know every road, every street corner like the back of my hand. I was stood right next to Dame Vanessa Redgrave, who received the Pragnell Shakespeare Birthday Award, live on the news. I got to see the brass band play, as the parade was led through the town centre. I got to see Wiliam Shakespeare collect the quill and perform the signing. I got to speak to lots of people, who had all gathered to celebrate Shakespeare’s birthday. Despite it being a very crowded place, with lots going on, that usually overwhelms my autism, I managed to keep myself safe and in control. I was certain that I posted a blog post with my photos and video from the parade, but I have no idea what happened to it.

What else happened in 2024? Hmm… let’s see. Having Mr Rossi in my life has been a literal life saver. From the morning texts, to checking in with each other, to helping me learn more about my autism and providing me with breathing exercises to try to calm my anxiety and my heart’s bpm, has been invaluable. And for my most precious gift of Snuffles, so that I have a little way to manage my anxiety, and cope in crowded places with sights, sounds and smells that cause me to become so overwhelmed that it is like having hundreds of spreadsheets open in my brain at once, with the loudest sounds causing the spreadsheets to flash for my attention. Holding Snuffles and having a soft sense to focus on has helped me, even if it is just a little bit. I managed to go to the Birmingham German Christmas market this year, for the first time in seventeen years. Yes, we went on the first day of it opening, so not many people were aware that it had opened yet, but I did it! That was all thanks to Mr Rossi and Snuffles.

While I was working at the law firm, for a moment in time, I became friends with my supervisor. She is a Gen Z, so some of the things that she would do or say, I really do not agree with, but one of the things that she really helped me with, was understanding my autism. It was really… interesting… therapeutic and kind of freeing to meet someone who has the same type of autism that I do. We were both able to help each other see different points of view of different aspects of our lives. It was a real breakthrough for me, as it helped me to process things that had been troubling me for the longest time and actually let go of them. It has helped me to accomplish several therapy writing projects too, where I know that the intended people will never read them, but they are letters that I write, where I state that I now understand that you were possibly thinking/feeling this, even if you did not realise it at the time, but it made me feel this. It helped me to let go of so much negative stuff, and now, I no longer hold onto anything that troubled me in the past. I have been able to let go and start fresh with my new life.

This year, I have finally let go of everyone and everything that I had been holding on to, that has caused me hurt through so much mental abuse. I really think that I must have a sign on my head that reads, “Please mentally abuse me,” because I have not had a friendship or relationship that has not been mentally abusive to me, in some way. And just like everyone else, the friendship, with my supervisor, turned very mentally abusive too, but it was not until after it has, to a certain extent, served its purpose. This is what gave me the push to look  for another job, one that was more interesting and challenging than an Office Junior-style position, where I often got paid to write stories or a read a book, because there was nothing to do.

While working at the law firm, I was told many times, by different people, how much they appreciated that I can just go up to anyone and start a conversation. I like to make everyone feel included and heard, regardless of their position, religion, race, beliefs or language barriers. While I worked at the law firm, we had a security guard, who most people would never utter more than, “Morning,” to. I would always ask him how his day/week was going. I would check in with him, to make sure that he was okay. I would ask how his English speaking course was going. We would make small talk about the weather and our plans for the weekend. There was a young lady, who worked on the reception desk. She had very recently moved to England, from Nepal. She was silently struggling with certain English colloquialisms and the layout of British addresses. I would always help her and check in on her, to see how her day was going, as everyone would go to her to rant away their problems, but no one else ever thought to ask her if she was okay. I would talk to the legal secretaries, the paralegals, the company partners, the cleaners. I like to make the work place a safe space for everyone. Everyone deserves to be seen and heard. You never know from the cheerful face that people put on, during the working day, what struggles and hardships they are going through. One simple act of kindness can often make peoples day, and I received so much positive feedback, from my one-to-one review, with my manager (who is the best manager in the entire universe) who told me that I am the best employee he has ever hired, in his long and extensive career, for multiple reasons.

In October, I removed the dating app that I have been using on and off, over the past few years, from my phone. Dating has become frustrating, exhausting and I do not even enjoy doing it. I constantly feel as though I am going on dates, because everyone around me says that I have to. That it is what I am supposed to be doing with me life. Why do people not realise or accept that I do not need a partner. I have everything that I need already. Most people on dating apps have absolutely no personality (it is no wonder that they are single). I am sick of people saying their hobbies are food and TV – unless you are a chef or a TV critic, those are not hobbies. Everyone eats food and should cook from scratch, and everyone, occasionally, watches something, at some point, even if it is just the news. You literally have no personality if all you do, in your spare time, is watch the TV.

Another huge red flag for me is, I will not date someone who recently got out of a relationship. I’m not a consolation prize! Everyone deserves better than someone, male or female, who hasn’t/doesn’t process feelings/emotions before moving onto the next relationship – it won’t be healthy or work out in the long term, be that even five or ten years down the line, if one of you does not process things.

Although I am rather flattered, by the number of times I have been asked, I am not interested in a three-some/three people relationship. I am not really sure why this happens to me more often than I will admit to. I had assumed that everyone, on dating apps, gets this type of attention, but after discussing this with multiple people, it seems to just be me. Again, I am flattered, but I am afraid that this is not really my thing.

Another huge red flag (and this is probably the biggest red flag of them all) for me, is when someone says their previous partner was mental/crazy, because it just means you are an incredibly mentally abusive person. You would never have dated the person in the first place, if you thought that they were, “mental or crazy.” In fact, when I discuss this with people, they always say that things were okay, or even perfect to begin with. Yes, because mental abuse is what causes people to become very mentally unstable. It is what causes people to say and do things that they otherwise would not have done or said. People change when they endue regular, persistent mental abuse. And this opening conversation always has people show their true colours, through their defensive and mentally manipulative responses. “Suit yourself,” being one of the biggest manipulation tactics on a first/second date (or anytime in the relationship for that matter). If someone ever utters the phrase, “Suit yourself,” run for the hills and never, ever have communication with this person ever again. You will have just dodged a manipulative friendship/relationship, from a person who very likely has no idea of their destructive personality.

Now that I think about it, I have not been on a proper date this year, which to most people sounds really sad, but I have never been interested in a partner. It is the rest of the world that is obsessed in wanting this for me. I could very easily be happy by myself, for the rest of my life, and it wouldn’t make any difference to me either way. You have to be happy by yourself, in order to be able to be okay in a relationship, and I am definitely not looking for a situationship. If you are only with someone, because the situation works out well for you, so that you are not alone and your parents/friends like them and their parents/friends like you, but you likely would not bother if they did not, that is not a relationship. I have dated someone whose parents have said that they wanted me to marry their son. He was surprised that his parents liked me, and he was dating me despite believing that his parents would not like me. He always said that he liked me, regardless of what they said. I just was not ready for the non-emotionally fulfilling relationship, at the time, because I did not have the friends to fill in that blank for me, back then. I know it is incredibly unhealthy/toxic to expect one person to fulfil every mental, emotional and social need. You need to have friends that can fill all/the majority of those spaces, without you having a partner. Well, that is until you get married and as a female you have to cut out all of your friends, with the occasional, rare exception of one friend, as you are expected to only be friends with your husband’s friends’ wives… a social construct which everyone follows and I am still uncertain as to why. I guess it is because I have never been married, as to why I do not understand that unspoken rule.

Dear universe, I do not need a partner, so please stop making the people around me pressure me into dating, when I am perfectly happy on my own and I definitely do not need anyone. I am not a pathetic damsel in distress and I cannot stand the women, or men, who must be in a relationship all of the time – that in itself oozes of toxic behaviours and mentally abusive behaviour. Ugh! I really cannot stand people like that. I have lived through mentally abusive partners who play the victim, thank you very much! I will not be made to feel weak, not good enough for them/their friends/family, not trying hard enough, continuously ignored and made to feel so mentally unwell that when someone says to me, “Good morning, Josette. How’re you?” I break down in tears, because I feel so worthless.

If you cannot accept me for me, which includes my autism, which makes every one of my senses overstimulated at all times, and makes me feel every single emotion at once and each one is constantly fighting for my attention every single second of the day, then, please, do us both a favour and do not interact with me. I am not being childish, babyish or pathetic, simply because I am female, with sensory and mental struggles, when if a male admits to the exact same thing, he is brave and, “That takes guts.”

If you do not know how to defend me, when someone upsets me, that means you agree with them. If you do not know how to be a friend, or at the very least just a somewhat decent person, and defend me and talk about things that I am good at, when someone puts me in a state of overwhelming upset, where I cannot control my thoughts any longer, and I cannot get myself out of being hysterically upset, until I go to sleep… if you are unable to say things that you do like about me, then I do not want you in my life. I do not need you in my life. There is no medication that I can take to make my senses stop working. There is no medication to make the anxiety that is caused by my overstimulating autism, plus ADD, to stop working. There is no sleeping tablet that I can take to alter the chemicals, safely, in my brain, as what I have is not a chemical imbalancement. In order to function in society, have a full time 42 hour a week job, and not get completely overwhelmed every single second of the day, I need to be very careful who I let into my very tiny bubble. I can cope perfectly well without judgemental, unsupportive people, so if you are one of those, please do me a favour. Please refrain from being mentally abusive and stay away from me, thank you very much. If you care enough about me to read anything that I write, please do not leave comments, which could put me in a suicidal place, if read on a bad/overwhelmed day. I have worked really hard, a whole lot harder than the average person, to get to the place where I am now. If you get a kick out of the thought that you could upset me, then please think about your mentally abusive actions, as you may very well be hurting others in your life, and not just me. Please, be careful with your words and actions. I just want peace, between people. It takes more energy to be mean that to be nice.

Following on from my job at the law firm, on one random Sunday, I casually applied to one job, a warehouse production operator/administrator. It was the very last day that the job advertisement was open. I have applied to so many jobs this year that I really did not think about it all too much. I just applied to it, as something to do, and forgot all about it. I had a phone call, the next day, offering me an interview in two days time. Then after the interview, on the Wednesday, I had got the job by Friday. There was a very long and complicated process of leaving my law firm job, to start at the administration job, because my manager was refusing to let me leave. Then things got complicated again, with my tax code, because I had not taken the holiday that I was entitled to, while at the law firm, because I was saving it for when I moved into my maisonette, which was supposed to happen in October, but is now super delayed. So now, my tax code is messed up again. I am, now, on an emergency-emergency tax code, and I cannot phone HMRC up to pay off what I owe, because they are only open when I am at work, and my job has a very strict no mobile phones policy. I work from 7:30am until 4pm. My workplace is in an incredibly poor mobile phone signal area, anyway. By the time I get to a place, with decent phone signal, it is too late and HMRC is closed. I get a 30 minute break (well it is more like 20 minutes) and by the time I have walked to a place to get mobile phone signal, it is time to walk back to work again.

As for my new job, itself, I genuinely do like it. My job is to place orders with supplies and chase up the orders, which are skills that I picked up from my previous administration job, and they are the parts of the job that I actually enjoy. Yes, there is a lot more to the job than that, and yes, it can be stressful and my autism really does struggle working for a company that produces sirens, but most of the time I am able to cope just fine and not get overwhelmed. (If you are interested in my new job journey, there are a few small posts, where I somewhat talk about my new job here: https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2024/11/becoming-warehouse-production.html, https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2024/11/colleagues-in-my-new-office.html and https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2024/12/colleagues-in-my-office-part-2.html.)

Right, let’s move on to some more nicer things that have happened this year. I have been able to work on my stories a lot this year, or at least I did when I was working at the law firm. I have managed to re-write my ‘Welcome to Arcturus High’ story and plan the series a lot more thoroughly. Since moving to my new job, I have not had the time to write stories anymore, as all of my time, away from work, has been taken up with life admin. However, during my lunch breaks, I have been able to read, which is something I had missed so much. I started the beginning of the year by reading the sequel to ‘The Ex Hex’ by Rachel Hawkins (pen name Erin Sterling). ‘The Ex Hex’ is one of my current favourite books and I have reread it twice already. Towards the end of the year, I have discovered the ‘Myrtlewood Mysteries’ by Iris Beaglehole. I am currently on book four of the series and I have already bought myself the rest of the set. I was not too sure about it at first, because I thought the series was some American woman buying into the hype of people romanticising English witchcraft, following on from the Harry Potter series, however, following a little research, I have discovered that the ‘Myrtlewood Mysteries’ have more to them than that. There is a witchcraft story interwoven with a detective plot in each tale, written by an actual witch, not someone trying to buy into the Gen Z selfcare hype. The stories are crafted so well that you can be interested in the mother character, Rosemary, who is in her mid/late thirties, or her teenage daughter, Athena. Being old enough to have a seventeen year old, myself, I completely fell in love with Rosemary’s character. And as someone who does not usually love romance in stories at all, I am loving the love triangle in Rosemary’s non-existent love life. It is so amusingly woven into the series, without dwelling too much into it.

I have just bought myself a newer model of Fitbit. I think my previous preowned one has done me really well, over the past few years, not just in tracking my steps, but helping me to sleep better (through recording my sleep time and sleep cycles), helping me log my water intake, nutrition, monitoring my heartrate, notifying me of an irregular heartbeat, providing me with exercise goals and breathing exercises. I have decided, for the new year, to upgrade myself from the Inspire 2 to the Versa 3. Again, it is only a preowned one, but I am doing really well and looking after myself, and I want to continue working hard to look after myself in 2025 too. I know that getting the keys to my maisonette is going to be the best thing to ever happen to me! I cannot wait to begin the next, incredibly exciting chapter of my life.

And I would not have survived 2024, or made it so far in my life or career, if it had not been for my wonderful friends. I need to say a wonderfully huge thank you to The Social Hermit, Lizzie Bear, Dr Nat, PhD Nancy and Mr Rossi (you all know who you are through your fun code names). I love you all ever so much. We have all survived through 2024 and I know that all of us have faced many difficulties and hurdles, but we have all been there for each other. I believe in you all and I will continue to be there for you throughout 2025. I feel so happy and grateful to have you guys!

- Josie -