Things Jeff Says

(Josie Sayz: Here is another installment of what I should probably call ‘Things Jeff Says’.)

Ree.
*Shouts:* DHL.
All clear.
Yeah, we’re alright.
Yeah, not too bad.
(Expletive) hell, look at them.
*Eats smelly food, with mouth open and tongue lapping noises, for over fifteen minutes.*
Mmmm…
I wann-ed t’ do that – I dunno.
Oh no. DETAILS JEFF. Detail.
(Expletive.)
*Inaudible grumbling.*
I dunno what was wrong with that one.
*Imitates French colleague.*
Seven, oh, one, eight, four, three, one, three.
*Grumbles.*
Peppler & Fuchs.
Why has that?
Them beacons. Hmm…
Why hasn’t that gone white?
Oh.
Dunno why that doesn’t come up like.
*Inaudible grumbling.*
Erm.
Okay, I see that one, then.
Oh, ‘e done an ee ex one.
Is ’e goin’ down?
Good.
On order.
Flippin’ ‘ell.
Err, ‘e do that.
‘ow can you not (expletive) reply, like that?
Erh?
Oh, guh-glasses.
Oh, fer God’s sake, Jeff.
*Bangs pen on table for twenty seconds.*
Whatcha name? What’s yer name? Whats ‘er name?
That’s it. Done!
Pebbler Fuchs.
(Expletive) got that wrong, en I?
United Arab Emirates.
*Eats second bag of crisps.*
Finn-ee-us.
*Inaudible grumbling.*
Right – all done.
Erm.
‘ERE ‘E IS!
Now,. What was that?
Pebble-r-fuche.
Now, let’s ‘ave a look at your quality check.
*Inaudible grumbling.*
Yer, good.
Great.
Mmm, very good.
R-out.
Yer, no tank wise marine.
*Throat chuckle.*
Arh, very good.
*Inaudible grumbling.*
*Burps* err-err-err-ruh-ruh-ruh.
Insta mention lime.
I ‘aven’t ‘ad a look, ‘ave I ? Should I ‘ave a look?
Good ol’ Donald!
*Tuts.*
Let’s ‘ave a look, shall we?
*Grumbles.*
Oh, brilliant.
Okay… GREAT!
Right, what am I doin’ now? Do I know? Yes, I do.
*Opens third bag of crisps at 11:39am. Eats with mouth open. Makes tongue lapping noises.*
“Inaudible grumbling Arh, that’s good.
*Tongue lapping.*
*Frustratedly:* Oh-you-door!
D-H-L!
Brilliant!
What am I doin’ ‘ere?
Oh, yes.
Martin Co-co-co-ora.
Change you are.
Good ol’ Ama.
Stupid little thing.
Right.
Erm.
*Throat chuckle.*
Think it must be another.
You-arh. I’ve had enough.
Commitment to excellence.
That ain’t right, is it?
(Expletive) off.
*Coughs without hand/elbow.*
*Tongue lapping.*
Two, eight one, where the (expletive) hell did that come from?
*Inaudible grumbling.*
Pepper-el-fuse
*Inaudible grumbling.*
*Bangs fingers on table.*
I know, don’t ur-urh-gurrr-urr I don’t, oh, I do.
Oh (expletive) where’s that gone?
*Eats cake with his mouth open.*
*Tongue lapping.*

During lunch, he decided to play something really loudly, on his computer, so I had to sit on the floor, on the staircase to have my lunch and read my book. We do not have a canteen, you either eat your lunch in your car (if you drive) or at your desk. I got very upset by this point and I struggled with human interaction for the rest of the day, despite being in a very good mood this morning.

The next day:
Right then, let’s go!
Good ol’ Trump.
I love good ol’ Trump!
Eeew err!
Arh!
*Imitates typing sounds with his tongue.*
Hrmm…
Oh yer, I could do that, couldn’t I?
‘ere ‘e is… Fab.
I know, I know, I know, I know.
Stock! Maintenance! Product!
What?
Who ‘as?
Blue army.
Oh (expletive) *inaudible grumbling.*
Don’t think so.
Perfect.
Exit! Exit! Exit!
FLA-DO-SH!
Eh-ha-ah-ah-ar!
*Takes his first cigarette break at 8:10am.*
Right!
‘ere ‘e is!
Ooow!
*Grumbles.*
Hmmm…
What day is it?
(Expleteive.)
Twentieth of the third, twenty, twenty-five. I’d better ‘ave a look then.
Shall we ‘ave a look?
Good question.
Rubbish.
Ain’t bad, is it?
Well done.
Brilliant.
Let’s ‘ave a look, shall we?
That’s a sign, that is.
That’s the one I want.
‘ere ‘e is. Told ya ‘e’d be in t’day.
‘ave we ever done anything on this (expletive) thing?
OH NO, IT ISN’T!
*He has a loud, aggressive conversation with one of my mangers.*
OH NO!
Ooow, paperclips.
Got loadsa paperclips as it is.
MILES AWAY!
Yes, that’s the way I’m gonna do it.
That’s the way I’m gonna do it.
Good question. GOOD QUESTION!
Yer, your favourite sayin’, that is.
(Expletive) sake, Jeff. Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff – come on!
Fer God’s sake, how dare you do that t’ me!
Oh, I see.
*Eats Walkers chicken flavour crisps at 9:15am, after returning from a second cigarette break. He eats with his mouth open and makes tongue lapping noises.*
*Chuckles to himself.*
Oh no!
What’s sher?
Arh no. Where’s that gone now?
Let’s ‘ave a look, shall we?
There’s no lose loss sales?
What time is it? Quarter to.
It’s comin’ err.
Two, three, one?
Two, three, one then. Let’s ‘ave a look.
Hmmm…
Aroo-nally.
Did oow send me ‘at email?
*Third cigarette break at 09:58am.*
Oow dear me, let’s ‘ave a look.
What’s wrong wiv dat?
Arh, fer God’s sake *inaudible grumbling.*
Right, we done that one.
*Eats second bag of Walkers chicken flavour crisps at 10:15am, after returning from a third cigarette break. He eats with his mouth open and makes tongue lapping noises.*
Good ol’ Andrew.
I DUNNO WHY I SWALLOWED A FLY!
Perhaps I’ll die. *Hums the song, as he goes to make a drink.*

- Josie -