Worthless - Poetry Anthology

(Josie Sayz: I found out today that asking for five minutes of a person’s day is the equivalent to 0.3% of their day. How worthless am I that I’m not even worth 0.3% of my partner’s day. I’m not even worth less than that. I hadn’t realised that I have written enough poems from my last relationship to write an anthology. I haven’t done one of those in a long time. This anthology is called Worthless, and these are the poems, in chronological order:

What Would I Do Without You?
Good Morning, I’m Home, Goodnight!
Mugged, Raped, Escape!
Worthless
Frankenstein’s Creation
Discovering A Secret
Eggshells
All I Ask For Is Five Minutes

I did have a couple of lovely love poems, but I never go around to finishing them, and now they are pointless, so I won’t waste my mental energy on someone who wouldn’t spare me five minutes of his time.)

 

What Would I Do Without You?

I’ve been hurt so many times,
I’ve forgotten how it feels
To feel love…
To be loved.
Overwhelmed with all the pain
And nothing feels the same,
Then there’s you.
This is new.

Can this be the end of the heartache,
Or is this gonna break me in two?

You,
You make my fears go away.
You make me feel so safe.
Like everyone else’s a mistake –
Their love was fake.
You,
You make my heart skip a beat.
You make my life feel complete.
You feel like a dream come true.
What would I do without you?

There is no second guessing
Or feelings I’m repressing.
I love you.
Yes, it’s true.
Everything is all so new,
Like the love I feel for you,
Your kisses own my spine,
Knowing you are mine.

Is this gonna end all the heartache?
Please, don’t let this break me in two.

You,
You make my fears go away.
You make me feel so safe.
Like everyone else’s a mistake –
Their love was fake.
You,
You make my heart skip a beat.
You make my life feel complete.
You feel like a dream come true.
What would I do without you?

I lie awake.
I cannot sleep.
Thoughts of you
Help me feel complete.
So full of love,
A feeling so supreme.
Please, don’t leave.
Don’t let this be a dream…

You,
You make my fears go away.
You make me feel so safe.
Everyone else was a mistake –
Their love was fake.
You,
You make my heart skip a beat.
You make my life feel complete.
You feel like a dream come true.
What would I do without you?

Good Morning, I'm Home, Goodnight!

When you wrote you name and phone number
On that scrap of brown paper,
Didn’t know I’d be thinking of it,
Over ten years later.
Yes, it is over,
And I accept it.
But that brown piece of paper,
I wish I had kept it.

It held all those memories,
Of a happier time.
Before we were over,
And the times that I cried.
Yes, I’ve moved on,
I’ve found someone new.
But when things get hard,
I’m left thinking of you.

From that brown, paper note,
We had our first date.
After, you asked for hug,
And it all felt like fate.
You said you’d let me know,
Once you arrived home.
I never had to ask,
You’d text from your phone.

Then, from that day,
Everything changed.
You gave me a routine
And it didn’t feel strange.
I was your first thought,
When you opened your eyes;
You always confirmed this,
With your, “Good morning,” surprise.

Then, when you arrived home,
From work or your friends,
You’d text me, “I’m home,”
And the worrying ends.
I was your last thought every evening,
As you turned off your light,
You never forgot
To text me, “Goodnight.”

For five years you text me,
Those five words every day,
Sent with three kisses,
Never a delay.
Even when we took a break,
Those five words, they remained.
It was our silent bond.
Nothing explained.

When we parted ways,
Each other we replaced.
Our new partners continued,
What, between us, had erased.
Ryan said, “Good morning,
I’m home and goodnight,”
I never asked,
Nor did it cause a fight.

A few years passed with dating,
I met quite a few,
But no one had every
Compared close to you.
Then I met Robert,
A man so kind and wise.
He used those five words,
It was no surprise.

Never with Robert,
Or Ryan or you
Was this ever a problem
Nor felt forced to do.
Only when you grew distant
And our love did fade,
Did you start to change,
The five words you betrayed.

I was no longer your first thought,
When you opened your eyes.
You didn’t text me first,
You’d talk to one of the guys.
At some point in your day,
After an hour or two,
It's like you remembered,
What you ought to do.

Your, “Good mornings,” were late,
And your, “I’m home,” too.
You’d speak to anyone else,
While I worried about you.
Then one the evenings
You forgot your, “Goodnight,”
I’d cry myself to sleep,
Couldn’t turn off the light.

I’ve with someone new,
And everything’s fine,
But what was once my normal,
Feels like just yours and mine.
I’ve tried hard to tell him,
Without those five words I ache,
But it feels like being honest,
Was a big mistake.

I don’t want to lose him,
I don’t want it to be through,
But lately every day
Reminds me of losing you.
I’m crying, I’m scared,
I don’t know what to do.
Those five words were so simple
When it was me and you.

Mugged, Raped, Escape!

Why do some men not see the danger,
Women face every day?
Danger can be at every turn,
But they always downplay.

My ex-partner would never meet me,
On my walk home through the park.
It can be really scary,
Being female, alone, in the dark.

He never believed…
You might get mugged,
You might get raped,
You might get stabbed by a drunk
And you can’t escape.

You don’t just have to be female,
To be worried about being safe.
I know a man who had his bicycle stolen,
And was given chase.

Now he’s too scared to walk alone,
Home from work through any park.
He’s too scared to ride a bike,
Even when it isn’t dark.

Because he knows…
You might get mugged,
You might get raped,
You might get stabbed by a drunk
And you can’t escape.

There’s a stabbing every week,
In the village where I work.
There’s been a victim on every corner,
In the park is where they lurk.

There’s been many store break-ins,
And weekly reporting’s of women being raped.
The police have said walk in groups
And don’t stay out too late.

We’ve all be warned…
You might get mugged,
You might get raped,
You might get stabbed by a drunk
And you can’t escape.

A few staff, at work, have checked in
And made sure I carry my alarm.
For many years, I always have,
In case I ever come to harm

It really makes me anxious,
When walking through a park.
Why can’t people see the dangers,
Regardless of whether it is dark?

Because…
You might get mugged,
You might get raped,
You might get stabbed by a drunk
And you can’t escape.

I don’t want to get mugged.
I don’t want to be raped.
I fear I’ll be stabbed by a drunk
And I can’t escape.

It happens at least once a week,
Crime at the park and in the streets.
Unless you drive,
It's getting hard to stay alive.

Worthless

I’m feeling worthless,
What’s the purpose?
Not worth five seconds of your time.
Don’t want to break it,
But I can’t take it.
My serenity’s in decline.
I want it to be,
Why can’t you see,
You’re breaking my heart.

I was used to being worthless,
Never feeling good enough.
It was so draining, so frustrating,
Pretending that I’m tough.
Never thought I’d have to fake,
Feeling fine when I’m with you,
But you’ve got me feeling worthless,
Don’t know what I should do.

I’m feeling worthless,
What’s the purpose?
Not worth five seconds of your time.
Don’t want to break it,
But I can’t take it.
My serenity’s in decline.
I want it to be,
Why can’t you see,
You’re breaking my heart.

I need to get used to feeling worthless
Not worth five seconds of your time.
My only request was good morning,
When you open your eyes.
You made it clear, you won’t spare
Five seconds, I had asked of you.
It’s got me feeling so worthless,
I don’t know what to do.

I’m feeling worthless,
What’s the purpose?
Not worth five seconds of your time.
Don’t want to break it,
But I can’t take it.
My serenity’s in decline.
I want it to be,
Why can’t you see,
You’re breaking my heart.

Frankenstein's Creation

I’m your monster, Dr Frankenstein,
You won’t spare me one minute of your time.
Your mental games are pushing me to self-destruct.
I’m scared to speak up my mind.
My hurt feelings, I try to hide.
I love you, but I think I’ve had enough.

These past few months have been real tough.
Done with not feeling good enough.
Tired, I always have to prove.
Hurt, but I don’t want to lose –
You.

I’m your creation, you can’t deny.
You moulded me to believe your lies,
Hidden somewhere deep within the truths.
For long months, I can’t believe,
How you built me up, only to deceive.
How did I not see the mental abuse?

These past few months have been real tough.
Done with not feeling good enough.
Tired, I always have to prove.
Hurt, but I don’t want to lose –
You.

You showed me so many happy things.
Filled my mind with future dreams.
Started perfect; I wish we could restart.
You stole it, now you’ve broke my heart.

This nightmare, it killed our dream.
Reminder with every thirteen.
It stabs through my heart, every time, it’s true.
The creation of a mastermind.
I can’t erase you from my mind.
Time spent with you is all I ever knew.

These past few months have been real tough.
Done with not feeling good enough.
Tired, I always have to prove.
Hurt, but I don’t want to lose –
You.

Discovering A Secret

Discovering a secret
You know you oughtn’t know,
Is filling up my heart, with such sorrow.
What began as something innocent,
A curiosity.
It has now, possibly, become the death of me.

Who’s that girl? What’s that scene?
Is feels like something from a movie screen.
Cocktails, jazz and dancing,
With her is so risqué.
How could I be so stupid?
You never look at me that way.

I have replayed the scene
In my head a million times.
Makes me feel like these past six months have been nothing but lies.
I don’t know the truth,
I did not have a clue.
The partying, nightclubs and dancing, they don’t feel like you.

Who’s that girl? What’s that scene?
Is feels like something from a movie screen.
Cocktails, jazz and dancing,
With her is so risqué.
How could I be so stupid?
I know I’ve overdue my stay.

I care about you so much,
This message comes from the heart.
This isn’t jealousy,
Or a cry of insecurity.
I do not want to be an obstacle
For who you truly want to be.

Who’s that girl? What’s that scene?
Is feels like something from a movie screen.
Cocktails, jazz and dancing,
With her is so risqué.
How could I be so stupid?
I think it’s time I go away.

Eggshells

You ask how my day went,
I’ll reply straight away,
But I know you won’t read it,
Until the end of the day.
You won’t reply
To anything I say.
You’ll just say, “Goodnight,”
Won’t even meet me halfway.

When I respond to your question,
I’ve learnt not to expect a reply,
Or for you to read my response.
I have no idea why
You message at all.
If to hear from me is a chore.
To be ghosted or left on read
I don’t know which one hurts more?

The double standards you write,
Causes me so much pain.
You expect a response in three minutes,
That you won’t read for hours; that’s okay.
You were warm and inviting.
Six months have flown by.
How long can I hurt for,
Bottle it up and then lie?

I’m not being controlling,
Asking for a, “Good morning,” text.
When you can’t manage that,
It makes me miss my ex.
I just need routine,
And a connection that’s stable.
I’m not dictating your life,
Nor without you am I unable.

I hate feeling punished,
If I’m a few minutes too late.
You withdraw your affection
And leave me in wait.
It's like a test,
And if I am good.
You’ll say, “I love you.”
Although you already should.

It's gaslighting by omission,
To put me in my place.
It makes me feel anxious,
And a complete disgrace.
Though I’ll never confess,
I’ll hide it inside.
You won’t see that you hurt me,
Or the times that I cried.

It's not just by text,
Or our phone calls too,
It hurts when I’m midsentence,
You blurt out, “I love you.”
Maybe you’re done listening,
Our you just zoned out.
It's little things, like this,
That leave me with doubts.

I love you so much.
I wish we could be together forever,
But can I withhold my feelings,
On our lifelong endeavour?
I’m not being controlling or I needy,
I wish you could see.
I’ve adjusted so much for you.
Could you try for me?

All I Ask For Is Five Minutes

All I ask for is five minutes,
Five minutes with me.
To check in, to feel your love, to know you’re alright.
To hear about you day,
And to wish you goodnight.

Endless days alone,
Staring at my phone,
Waiting…
Just waiting to hear from you.
My heart aches,
Close to breaks.
Worthless…
I mean nothing to you.

How long do I pretend that I’m tough,
Never feeling good enough…

All I ask for is five minutes,
Five minutes with me.
To check in, to feel your love, to know you’re alright.
To hear about you day,
And to wish you goodnight.

I told you I’m hurting.
Can’t keep reverting
To shrinking…
My only need.
Basic communications,
Full of frustrations.
I’ll never
Be worth anything to you.

Can’t keep pretending that I’m tough,
I know I’m not good enough…

All I ask for is five minutes,
Five minutes with me.
To check in, to feel your love, to know you’re alright.
To hear about you day,
And to wish you goodnight.

You reach out,
Then you retract.
Ask how I am,
Don’t read it back.
Why do you not care?
It’s not fair.
I keep giving and I’m giving,
Almost broken.
I don’t have much left.
I gave you my all, I swear.

I can no longer keep pretending that I’m tough.
I’ll never be good enough…

I’m not asking for days, weeks or hours.
I’m not asking for diamond rings or constant flowers.
I’m not dictating your life or controlling your day.
I’m just asking for you to spare five minutes my way.

I’m sorry I’m not tough.
I’m sorry I’ll never be good enough…

All I asked for is five minutes,
Five minutes with me.
To check in, to feel your love, to know you’re alright.
To hear about you day,
And to wish you goodnight.

 

- Josie -