06 April 2020

The Mystery of Humpty Dumpty

(Josie Sayz: More archiving. This poem just came to me randomly one day. I had it published in a poetry anthology years ago.)

This is the mystery of Humpty Dumpty!
Was he pushed?
You decide…

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown
and Jill came tumbling after.
Up Jack got and home he trot
as fast as he could caper.
He went to bed to mend his head
with vinegar and brown paper.
Up Jill got to see Humpty she trot,
Dot, dot, dot...

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
all of a sudden, he had a great fall.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men,
couldn't put Humpty together again.

From Humpty to home Jill did trot,
and explained her story to Jack – a lot.
With vinegar and brown paper Jack ran,
past all the streets and The Muffin Man.
For Humpty Dumpty Jack did see,
was all in pieces and misery.

After a while Humpty was well,
for Jack had helped and saved him – swell!
Now Jack was left to punish Jill
for making Humpty Dumpty ill.


Humpty Dumpty was pushed…
or was he…?

- Josie -

01 April 2020

Government to Dye All Food Blue

(Josie Sayz: I just want to confirm that this was an April Fool. It does have some logic to it. The research behind the blue plates is all true, but would the government go as far as to dye your food blue?)

The government will begin to dye all food blue. This sounds like a weird and outlandish statement, and that is because it is. But it is true. Due to the Coronavirus and the UK facing lockdown, people will not be able to get their usual amount of exercise. Gyms are closed. Leaving the house is prohibited, unless it is critical. Yes, the government have said that people can exercise, but for someone who walks marathon lengths for fun, I doubt this kind of exercise will be classes as essential.

The volume of groceries purchased since the fear of the virus was announced has been staggering. The average customer shop increased from £30 to £125. What are people doing with all of this food? What is the need for it? Is it panic buying? If so, why are the public continuing to go out and queue for food?  What are they doing with the huge quantities of food that they are purchasing? They cannot possibly be consuming it all, can they?

If the country continues to consume these large amounts of food, without exercising, weight will be gained. Rather than blaming themselves for having no self-control over the consumption of large portions of food, the people will, with no doubt, blame the government for the strict lockdown procedures. Once lockdown is lifted, people will be a lot heavier than they were prior to the pandemic. One might say that this is part of an economic plan, as clothing stores will have been closed for many weeks, possibly months, they will not have made any more. However, if everyone has gained weight then they will all need to buy new clothes.

But how will the government come back from this issue, I hear you ask? If people start blaming the government for their weight gain, are the not going to expect the government to respond? Of course. People will always blame someone else for their own actions and in times of crisis, people will blame the government. So how will the government respond? How will they counteract everyone’s weight gain?

The government will dye all food blue.

Why is this, I hear you ask? How absurd, I hear you say. Surely not, right? Well, research has shown that eating food from a plate with a higher colour contrast to the food encourages your brain to eat less. Having blue plates has been proven to help people eat smaller portion sizes, as the large contrast between light coloured foods (such as rice and pasta) and the blue plates makes the portion appear larger to the human eye, which therefore encourages you to consume less. Well, the government is not going to pay to replace the entire country’s dining ware with blue plates; that would cost the country a pretty penny. And what would we do with all of the old plates? What a waste. So, what is the alternative?

Dying all food blue.

Most households have white, cream or light-coloured dining plates and bowls. If eating pale food from blue plates creates a contrast, why not reverse it? Everyone will eat blue food from pale plates. Yes, it might seem strange for a while: blue pasta, blue rice, blue fish, blue chicken, blue carrots, blue banana, blue chocolate, blue French fries. But if it makes people believe that they are consuming a larger portion than they are, or even if it puts people off eating for a while, people will start to consume less calories. And is that not the point?

If blue food helps you eat less and lose the weight that you will have gained whilst being sat around in your house for months at a time, reading books, playing computer games and watching ‘Netflix’, this might just be the way forward. We have all had to make changes, sacrifices, and for those extroverted people, learn to adapt to new ways of living. Well, perhaps blue food in the next new adaption to the way we live that we need.

The government to dye all food blue. It may seem odd. It may look different. But it will save lives.

- Josie -

30 March 2020

Portal Conversation - Orion's Experience


(Josie Sayz: More archiving. Orion is a character from my ‘Fantasy Writing’ module at university. I wasn’t allowed to name him Orion in the end, because of the name’s connotations – I don’t see how or why that has ever stopped anyone before. Stupid Wendy! I don’t think I ever told her that her name isn’t real anyway! I bet she wouldn’t have liked that. Orion is a farmer/fighter from a Medieval time zone. Whilst fighting an orc, he falls into a portal that transports him to the modern world. This is Orion’s experience.)

He charged forwards. Holding his hoe between both hands, Orion ran through the woodland marsh towards the orc. Growling, its green mass towered over him. It stood staring at him, smug. With a war cry he leapt forward, thrusting his hoe towards the beast. It chuckled, as it side-stepped. Orion skidded. The sodden ground gave no grip. He swung his arm out to grab hold of a tree, but the sun shone in his eyes and he missed it, scraping his arm against the trunk. His sleeve tore. Falling forwards, he plummeted into the River Brackon. His head submerged. He gasped. Water flooded into his mouth, his nostrils and his ears. Kicking his legs, he jabbed the hoe towards the river’s bed. It pushed him up. He splashed his arms, grabbing out for the river’s bank.
Clutching onto the grass with his right hand, the flung his hoe out of the water, freeing his other hand. He grunted. His biceps strained, as he heaved himself out of the river. Kneeling on all fours he panted, water saturating the patch of land beneath him. Chocking, he punched his chest, trying to clear it from mouthfuls of river. He heard voices. Footsteps ran by. Grabbing his hoe, he hauled himself up. Water crashed around him. He jabbed his hoe into the ground and leant against it, panting. His clothes clung to his skeletal frame. Taking in sharp, raspy breaths, he pressed his hand to his chest. His heart thudded against his ribcage. His chest’s expansion and contraction slowly began to decrease in pace.
 Shaking the water from his hair, he looked up, searching for the orc. He jerked his head. Taking in a sharp breath, he spun is head to his left, then right. The sky was dark. The land before him deserted. The trees were gone. He spun around. The marshy thicket that he had been standing in had vanished. He swallowed hard. His breathing quickened. His heard drummed louder. Edging forwards he took in his new surroundings. To his far left was a line of trees, thin and leafless – nothing like the wide trunked and bushy leaved ones that he was familiar with. Where was the forest? His woodland thicket? The marshy grasses? He turned to his right – to the water which he had emerged from. A grey path ran alongside it, with what appeared to be a bridge running over the river, but it was nothing like any of the beamed bridges that he had ever seen. It looked like it might have been made of a shining stone, but it was so large and huge, vertical, metal spikes poked out from it, like prison bars. It looked like a torcher device.
Clawing his hand through his hair, he shuffled forwards. Buildings lined the edge of the grassy area in which he stood. They were no more than a hundred feet away. Their structure was strange, he thought. They were neither wooden nor stone. Deep mud-red coloured rectangles covered them, but what they were and how they stacked together made his brow furrow. As he neared the buildings, a high howling sound, which soon became low and distant and accompanied by a low rumble rang in his ears. He heard it again, this time louder. What he could only describe as boxes on wheels zoomed by, with people inside. His breathing became heavier. Gripping his forehead, he pinched his temples with his thumb and forefinger. Staggering forwards, he gazed up at the many vertical poles with glowing boxes at their peak. ‘What are they? And how do they glow?’ he wondered.
“Watch where you’re walking?” growled a beige-cloaked woman as she stalked past him.
“Erm, sorry,” he mumbled. “I-”
“Don’t mind her,” said a red-haired guy, who stopped beside him. “Say,” he said with a chuckle. “Are you dressed for Hallowe’en all ready?” He gestured at Orion’s tunic and the hoe.
“Hallow…?” Orion attempted to repeat, but the word baffled his brain and his pronunciation faded. His eyes narrowed and his brow creased.
“Hallowe’en… thirsty-first of October… trick-or-treating… fancy dress…” The red-haired guy gave a sigh, as Orion shook his head, with the creases on his forehead hardening. “You alright?” asked the stranger, noticing Orion’s dripping clothes, heaving chest and continuous puzzled expression.
Parting his lips, Orion stuttered the beginnings of several sentences, before swallowing hard. “I… where am I?”
“Buxtone Park.” Orion’s frown remained; the man’s words meaningless.
“East side of Harrowdun City…”
Looking around at his strange surroundings, Orion shook his head. ‘I know that I have lost my memory once,’ he told himself. ‘But it is not happening again.’ Pinching his eyes shut he clenched his fists and tightened his muscles. He held his breath. He counted to three. He pierced open his eyes. “No!” he breathed. He was still there. The red-haired guy still stood beside him. He pulled at his fringe. Blinking hard he tried to prevent his eyes from leaking. “Wh, wh, what happened t, to my village… the forest… and the orc?”
“Orc?” he laughed, but Orion did not seem to notice.
“I was in the middle of a battle,” Orion explained, staring beyond his converser. His body stiffened. His stomach churned as his sense of fear and determination returned. “The orc, it tricked me, I fell into the river, I-”
“You’re… serious?”
Orion stared at the guy beside him. He did not appear to be that much older than himself. Staring at the stranger’s clothes, Orion mused, ‘Elizabeth would love to see this man’s clothing.’ The man had grey trousers and a matching jacket, but there was no tunic, no tailored patterning at the cuffs or belt at his waist. Instead he wore some kind of white undergarment showing underneath his grey jacket. And there was a black material that knotted and dangled from his neck. Was the material for his master to pull him by? But he did not have the appearance of a slave. His clothes were clean. Orion’s analysis of the man ended as he flinched at the return of the howling sound, as another box with wheel rolled by.
The man beside him smirked. “You really aren’t from around here, are you?” Orion shook his head. “That my friend,” he said gesturing at the moving wheeled box. “Is a car.”
Orion shuddered. “Does it always make that sound?”
“Only when the driver’s got road rage and is trying to skip a red light. The horn’s Doppler effect can be a little disorientating at first,” he said sliding his glasses back up his nose.
“Car? Horn? Doppler…?”
“Don’t worry,” said the man with a smile, patting him on the shoulder. “You’ll get used to it.” Orion forced a smile and nodded, unaware of how else to respond. He did not want to get used it. He wanted to return to his village. A nervous laugh escaped his mouth. The guy with red hair smirked again. “I’m Chuck by the way,” he said with a nod. “Do you have a name?”
“Orion.”
“Nice to meet you, Orion.” He held out his hand. Orion shook it. “Arh, so you know how to shake hands.”
Orion swiped his hand away. “Are you making fun of me?”
“No! No!” gasped Chuck, throwing his hands up in surrender. “I was merely stating the facts.” Orion glared at him.
Hearing a ping, Orion’s head sprang up. The contraption above them that had a green glow to it had changed to red. “How did it do that?” he gasped, pointing.
“What?”
“That, up there,” he said eagerly. It pinged again, turning from red, to amber and back to green. “It did it again.”
“That’s a traffic light.”
“How does it change its colour?”
“Electricity,” replied Chuck.
“Elec-what?”
“Electricity,” Chuck repeated. “It’s like a power source.”
“So, it is like the sun?”
“Kind of.”
Chuck examined Orion (as Orion remained staring up at the traffic light), stroking his chin with his index finger. “You know,” he said. “This is fascinating.”
“What is?” shrugged Orion.
“You,” he said gesturing both his hands at Orion. “Something has obviously happened to you. A case of agnosia maybe, or amnesia…”
“No!” The yelp escaped him. He could not help it. “I do not have amnesia – not again. What I have told you… it is the truth. This… this place… these cars, horns and el-ec-tri-city that you speak of… although I can understand you, these words that you use, they are like another language… it is like I am in another world… maybe I am…”
“Orion,” Chuck exclaimed, trying to break him out of his ramblings. “Would you care to join me? I’d like to get you out of those wet clothes and then ask you a few questions, about what you can remember and where you believe you are from.”
 “You still don’t believe me, do you?”
“No,” said Chuck, with an elongated vowel sound. “It’s not that I don’t believe you, I’m just so intrigued by the entire situation. I would love to know more about this, this, this experience that you have encountered.” Hesitant, Orion took a step back. “I am a Scientist, you see,” he went on. “And I would love to make note of what has just occurred.”
“Scientist?” Orion repeated, as the creases on his forehead returned.
“Yes, yes. I am very interested in the human brain. It won’t be long. Just a few questions on what you remember, where you’re from, how you got here.”
“Can you help me get back?” he gasped. His eyes widened. His heart pounded.
“Yes,” Chuck replied, crossing his fingers behind his back. “I can attempt.” He gazed at the boy, hoping to gain his trust. “So, what do you say Orion… will you come along?”
Eyes raised and brow puckered, he stared ahead at the man. Did he trust him? He was yet to decide. The one thing he knew was that if this Chuck could help him find his way back home, then he needed to play along. “Okay,” he agreed. Chuck eyes widened and a grin stretched across his face.
“This way,” he said gesturing to the path at his right. As Chuck led the way Orion followed, looking back to the river at the point where he had stumbled upon this peculiar world.

- Josie -