(Josie
Sayz: This is a sort of review/therapy writing session of everything that
happened to me in 2024.)
Okay, so the beginning of 2024 was
probably my second hardest (right after nearly dying from some unknown illness,
which turned out to be Covid, while having a miscarriage all at the beginning
of 2020). I was working at a company with an incredibly mentally abusive and manipulative
manager, who made all of the admin team terrified to speak, breathe and ask
questions. To make things even worse, the company stopped manufacturing goods
at the end of November 2023, due to moving office, yet I was still taking
customers orders and their money, knowing full well that nothing was going to
be manufactured for some time. I have done an office move before and I know
that despite booking everything in for specific dates, unforeseen circumstances
arise, which means that certain things are put on hold and cancelled. Long
story short, the company did not start manufacturing again until March. As the
company’s telephone answerer and main sales person, I had hundreds of screaming
customers emailing me and phoning me every single day, demanding an answer to
when their order would be ready and I was not allowed to tell them that we were
not manufacturing anything, I just had to say, “I don’t know, but I will get
back to you,” all of the time. One woman phoned every ten minutes for two whole
days and was screaming, and I mean screaming at me. No one else in the entire
company had to endure any of this, just me, as I was the only telephone
answerer, the only sales department and the only complaints department.
I had a week’s holiday on the last week of January, because I felt so mentally
unstable that if I answered one more phone call, I was going to break down and
cry hysterically. I also have a problem with the teenage girl, who lives next
door, who bangs on the wall, talks at the top of her voice on the phone from
5pm until midnight, sets her alarm for multiple times in the night so that she
can periodically bang on the wall, scratch the wall and cackle. During my week
off, I placed all of my furniture against the neighbouring wall, in hopes of
blocking the noise, as there is only one brick separating us from the
neighbours. Sadly, covering the wall with a three door Ikea wardrobe and two
bookcases did very little to sound proof the room from her. On a positive note,
I got to play a lot of computer games and I had a week’s free trial on ‘Paramount
Plus’. I, also, did some decluttering and donated a lot of things to the
charity shop, including my Peter Pan plush collection, which was really hard
for me, because I get really attached to things.
It took me until May, but I finally got another job. I did not get paid for my last
week at my previous job, as the holiday year ran from April to March, and by
leaving after six weeks of the calendar year and already having Good Friday,
Easter Monday and the early may bank holiday, I was not entitled to any holiday,
despite these days being compulsory to book as holiday, so I have been placed
on an emergency tax code for the rest of the year. Oh, and the entire admin
team, the estimator, one of the manufacturers and all three sales managers left
the company around the same time that I did. I wonder who answers your screaming
customers phone calls now and manages to calm everyone down, before transferring
the calls through to the rest of the team? How do you like it now, huh? Yeah, that’s
right, you complained about me constantly, but I am the best person you have
ever had who was able to calm down infuriating people on the phone. I am not
being big-headed – that is just fact, from multiple staff members.
I had so many interviews at the beginning of the year, but it always came down
to me and someone who was too overly qualified for the job, so they got picked
over me. Knowing that this was the way that employers were hiring, I played
them at their own game. I applied for a job, at a law firm, as a Facilities Assistant,
despite acting as Office Manager at my previous law firm (although they never did
give me the title of Office Manager, I did everything that an Office Manager
does and I have all of the qualifications for it). This worked! I got the job
and I started in May… the only problem was that this job literally involved
doing nothing most of the time. One day, I got paid to sit at my desk and read
a book, that is how quiet the position was. (If you are interested in a little
blog post relating to this, you can check that out here: https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2024/06/job-update.html).
I had an opticians appointment, during the summer, as I had been having
problems with my right eye. I am now legally blind in both eyes, and despite
having glasses, I could not learn to drive even if I wanted to, because I
cannot read registration plates from far enough away – that and my dyslexia
gets the shapes of letters mixed up from a distance. I am actually quite
surprised that it took sixteen additional years for my right eye to deteriorate
as much as my left eye had, by the age of seventeen. On a very positive note, I
got new glasses and I am in love with them. I wanted this design of glasses way
back in 2016, but the opticians said that they would not suit me, but that was not
the real reason – they just wanted me to purchase their own branded frames and
not a designer brand. Anyways, I am not at ‘Boots Opticians’ anymore and ‘Specsavers’
were happy to let me have the frames that I wanted. I did have a really dim sales
girl, who did not seem to understand the prescription needs that I have and
kept trying to make me buy different lens types than the ones that I need – it was
such a battle and for someone who cannot handle confrontation, this took up all
of my mental energy. Then, when I went to collect the glasses, I had the same dim
sales girl and she did not give me the time of day, so I ended up having to go
to a different ‘Specsavers’ to get my two new frames (one for daily use and
tinted pair for migraines) adjusted to fit me properly. Since having my new
frames, I have had so many compliments about how much they suit me and it has
given me a lot more confidence.
I have spent a lot of time, on and off over the past two years, house hunting.
I spent a great portion of this year either in a really rough part of
Birmingham, looking at flats, or in Hednesford. I did enquire about a house
share more locally, but all house shares in my area are for after 5pm on Monday
to 9am on Friday only. I found a really nice landlady in a really lovely house
share and she was willing to consider me living there, and I was going to pay
extra to stay there on the weekends. It was between me and someone else that
she had to pick from, and although I was a better fit to her current tenants and
we all got along really well, she picked the other lady, who didn’t need to live
there on the weekends. House shares confuse me too, because you aren’t allowed
any belongings, only clothes and bedsheets… so, what to people do with their
lives outside of work? Stare at the wall?
After the house share did not work out, I still continued my search and eventually
came across a flat to purchase. It is perfect! It is only a couple of miles
from where I currently live. It is the exact same distance to walk to work (4.5
miles now that I have moved to another new job). There are no neighbours to the
left, right or behind the property. The only neighbour is one person, below. It
was supposed to be a really fast repossession process, but even that has become
incredibly complicated. I am currently on week 20 of trying to purchase this
flat, where the seller said if I did not complete within 7-8 weeks, they would
pull out. Well, they are the ones that are holding the sale up! (If you are
interested in reading more about this, I have a recent blog post summarising my
stressful property purchase here: https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2024/12/trying-to-purchase-repossessed.html).
I have been growing my hair, since 2020. I could sit on it, it was that long.
My goal was always to grow it to donate it. I had been saying for over a year
that I was going to get it cut, but I just never felt as though I could follow
through with it. Then, one weekend, I got so annoyed with it, that I almost chopped
it all off myself, but I walked to a local hairdressers and asked when their nearest
appointment was. They had a cancellation that weekend. Also, this hair dressers
specialises in donating hair to charities, who make wigs for young children going
through cancer. I felt good getting my hair chopped off and donating it to a
good cause. I also feel like me again, as I have missed my fringe so much. (If
you would like to read my blog post about me donating my hair and see how long
I was able to grow it, please take a look at this blog post: https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2024/10/donating-my-hair.html).
Last year, I took part in the ‘Walk 1,000 Miles in 2023.” I started this,
because my job, at the time, was 0.3 miles from my house and I was getting no
exercise, especially because I was an administrator and sat on my bum for 45
hours a week. Last year, I dated a guy who was very encouraging and active. I
would go on a 30 mile hike every Saturday. This year, I did not have the
motivating friend, nor has my living situation been the same as it was in previous
years. To begin with, I tried to keep up with the long walks on the weekends,
but then this turned into walking six miles to work and six miles home everyday
(I had been getting the bus, but it was draining my mental ability to
concentrate, due to my sensory autism and one incredibly overwhelming bus
journey, which took two and three quarter hours for the bus to get me home,
when it should have only taken 50 minutes and I could walk it in 90 minutes was
the final straw for me). I have moved jobs since then, and now I only have a
4.5 mile walk to work and home again, but still, it is exercise. Next year, I
would like to get back into doing 30 mile hikes, in under eight hours, on the
weekends again, because I really did enjoy them. This year, I have managed to
walk 2,861.5 miles. I also earned the “Walk 1,000 Miles on 2024” medals, which
have been a real incentive, to keep me active. (If you want to see the pictures
of my medals, you can check out this blog post: https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2024/10/walking-2000-miles-in-2024.html).
I managed to accomplish something, this year, that I have always wanted to do.
I went to the Shakespeare Parade. I actually walked 40.5 miles that day. I
walked to Stratford-upon-Avon and I managed to get near the front, about 20
minutes before the procession began. Stratford-upon-Avon is one of my favourite
places to be. I spent three years, at college, here. It is where I fell in love
with reading. It is where I feel the safest. I know every road, every street
corner like the back of my hand. I was stood right next to Dame Vanessa
Redgrave, who received the Pragnell Shakespeare Birthday Award, live on the
news. I got to see the brass band play, as the parade was led through the town
centre. I got to see Wiliam Shakespeare collect the quill and perform the
signing. I got to speak to lots of people, who had all gathered to celebrate
Shakespeare’s birthday. Despite it being a very crowded place, with lots going on,
that usually overwhelms my autism, I managed to keep myself safe and in control.
I was certain that I posted a blog post with my photos and video from the
parade, but I have no idea what happened to it.
What else happened in 2024? Hmm… let’s see. Having Mr Rossi in my life has been
a literal life saver. From the morning texts, to checking in with each other,
to helping me learn more about my autism and providing me with breathing
exercises to try to calm my anxiety and my heart’s bpm, has been invaluable.
And for my most precious gift of Snuffles, so that I have a little way to manage
my anxiety, and cope in crowded places with sights, sounds and smells that
cause me to become so overwhelmed that it is like having hundreds of
spreadsheets open in my brain at once, with the loudest sounds causing the spreadsheets
to flash for my attention. Holding Snuffles and having a soft sense to focus on
has helped me, even if it is just a little bit. I managed to go to the
Birmingham German Christmas market this year, for the first time in seventeen years.
Yes, we went on the first day of it opening, so not many people were aware that
it had opened yet, but I did it! That was all thanks to Mr Rossi and Snuffles.
While I was working at the law firm, for a moment in time, I became friends
with my supervisor. She is a Gen Z, so some of the things that she would do or
say, I really do not agree with, but one of the things that she really helped
me with, was understanding my autism. It was really… interesting… therapeutic and
kind of freeing to meet someone who has the same type of autism that I do. We
were both able to help each other see different points of view of different
aspects of our lives. It was a real breakthrough for me, as it helped me to
process things that had been troubling me for the longest time and actually let
go of them. It has helped me to accomplish several therapy writing projects
too, where I know that the intended people will never read them, but they are
letters that I write, where I state that I now understand that you were
possibly thinking/feeling this, even if you did not realise it at the time, but
it made me feel this. It helped me to let go of so much negative stuff, and
now, I no longer hold onto anything that troubled me in the past. I have been
able to let go and start fresh with my new life.
This year, I have finally let go of everyone and everything that I had been
holding on to, that has caused me hurt through so much mental abuse. I really
think that I must have a sign on my head that reads, “Please mentally abuse me,”
because I have not had a friendship or relationship that has not been mentally
abusive to me, in some way. And just like everyone else, the friendship, with
my supervisor, turned very mentally abusive too, but it was not until after it
has, to a certain extent, served its purpose. This is what gave me the push to
look for another job, one that was more interesting
and challenging than an Office Junior-style position, where I often got paid to
write stories or a read a book, because there was nothing to do.
While working at the law firm, I was told many times, by different people, how
much they appreciated that I can just go up to anyone and start a conversation.
I like to make everyone feel included and heard, regardless of their position,
religion, race, beliefs or language barriers. While I worked at the law firm,
we had a security guard, who most people would never utter more than, “Morning,”
to. I would always ask him how his day/week was going. I would check in with
him, to make sure that he was okay. I would ask how his English speaking course
was going. We would make small talk about the weather and our plans for the
weekend. There was a young lady, who worked on the reception desk. She had very
recently moved to England, from Nepal. She was silently struggling with certain
English colloquialisms and the layout of British addresses. I would always help
her and check in on her, to see how her day was going, as everyone would go to her
to rant away their problems, but no one else ever thought to ask her if she was
okay. I would talk to the legal secretaries, the paralegals, the company
partners, the cleaners. I like to make the work place a safe space for
everyone. Everyone deserves to be seen and heard. You never know from the
cheerful face that people put on, during the working day, what struggles and
hardships they are going through. One simple act of kindness can often make
peoples day, and I received so much positive feedback, from my one-to-one review,
with my manager (who is the best manager in the entire universe) who told me
that I am the best employee he has ever hired, in his long and extensive career,
for multiple reasons.
In October, I removed the dating app that I have been using on and off, over
the past few years, from my phone. Dating has become frustrating, exhausting
and I do not even enjoy doing it. I constantly feel as though I am going on
dates, because everyone around me says that I have to. That it is what I am
supposed to be doing with me life. Why do people not realise or accept that I
do not need a partner. I have everything that I need already. Most people on
dating apps have absolutely no personality (it is no wonder that they are
single). I am sick of people saying their hobbies are food and TV – unless you
are a chef or a TV critic, those are not hobbies. Everyone eats food and should
cook from scratch, and everyone, occasionally, watches something, at some
point, even if it is just the news. You literally have no personality if all
you do, in your spare time, is watch the TV.
Another huge red flag for me is, I will not date someone who recently got out
of a relationship. I’m not a consolation prize! Everyone deserves better than
someone, male or female, who hasn’t/doesn’t process feelings/emotions before
moving onto the next relationship – it won’t be healthy or work out in the long
term, be that even five or ten years down the line, if one of you does not
process things.
Although I am rather flattered, by the number of times I have been asked, I am
not interested in a three-some/three people relationship. I am not really sure
why this happens to me more often than I will admit to. I had assumed that
everyone, on dating apps, gets this type of attention, but after discussing
this with multiple people, it seems to just be me. Again, I am flattered, but I
am afraid that this is not really my thing.
Another huge red flag (and this is probably the biggest red flag of them all) for
me, is when someone says their previous partner was mental/crazy, because it
just means you are an incredibly mentally abusive person. You would never have
dated the person in the first place, if you thought that they were, “mental or crazy.”
In fact, when I discuss this with people, they always say that things were
okay, or even perfect to begin with. Yes, because mental abuse is what causes
people to become very mentally unstable. It is what causes people to say and do
things that they otherwise would not have done or said. People change when they
endue regular, persistent mental abuse. And this opening conversation always
has people show their true colours, through their defensive and mentally manipulative
responses. “Suit yourself,” being one of the biggest manipulation tactics on a
first/second date (or anytime in the relationship for that matter). If someone
ever utters the phrase, “Suit yourself,” run for the hills and never, ever have
communication with this person ever again. You will have just dodged a manipulative
friendship/relationship, from a person who very likely has no idea of their
destructive personality.
Now that I think about it, I have not been on a proper date this year, which to
most people sounds really sad, but I have never been interested in a partner.
It is the rest of the world that is obsessed in wanting this for me. I could
very easily be happy by myself, for the rest of my life, and it wouldn’t make
any difference to me either way. You have to be happy by yourself, in order to
be able to be okay in a relationship, and I am definitely not looking for a situationship.
If you are only with someone, because the situation works out well for you, so
that you are not alone and your parents/friends like them and their
parents/friends like you, but you likely would not bother if they did not, that
is not a relationship. I have dated someone whose parents have said that they
wanted me to marry their son. He was surprised that his parents liked me, and
he was dating me despite believing that his parents would not like me. He always
said that he liked me, regardless of what they said. I just was not ready for
the non-emotionally fulfilling relationship, at the time, because I did not
have the friends to fill in that blank for me, back then. I know it is
incredibly unhealthy/toxic to expect one person to fulfil every mental,
emotional and social need. You need to have friends that can fill all/the
majority of those spaces, without you having a partner. Well, that is until you
get married and as a female you have to cut out all of your friends, with the
occasional, rare exception of one friend, as you are expected to only be
friends with your husband’s friends’ wives… a social construct which everyone
follows and I am still uncertain as to why. I guess it is because I have never
been married, as to why I do not understand that unspoken rule.
Dear universe, I do not need a partner, so please stop making the people around
me pressure me into dating, when I am perfectly happy on my own and I
definitely do not need anyone. I am not a pathetic damsel in distress and I
cannot stand the women, or men, who must be in a relationship all of the time –
that in itself oozes of toxic behaviours and mentally abusive behaviour. Ugh! I
really cannot stand people like that. I have lived through mentally abusive
partners who play the victim, thank you very much! I will not be made to feel
weak, not good enough for them/their friends/family, not trying hard enough,
continuously ignored and made to feel so mentally unwell that when someone says
to me, “Good morning, Josette. How’re you?” I break down in tears, because I
feel so worthless.
If you cannot accept me for me, which includes my autism, which makes every one
of my senses overstimulated at all times, and makes me feel every single
emotion at once and each one is constantly fighting for my attention every
single second of the day, then, please, do us both a favour and do not interact
with me. I am not being childish, babyish or pathetic, simply because I am
female, with sensory and mental struggles, when if a male admits to the exact
same thing, he is brave and, “That takes guts.”
If you do not know how to defend me, when someone upsets me, that means you
agree with them. If you do not know how to be a friend, or at the very least
just a somewhat decent person, and defend me and talk about things that I am
good at, when someone puts me in a state of overwhelming upset, where I cannot
control my thoughts any longer, and I cannot get myself out of being
hysterically upset, until I go to sleep… if you are unable to say things that
you do like about me, then I do not want you in my life. I do not need you in
my life. There is no medication that I can take to make my senses stop working.
There is no medication to make the anxiety that is caused by my overstimulating
autism, plus ADD, to stop working. There is no sleeping tablet that I can take
to alter the chemicals, safely, in my brain, as what I have is not a chemical
imbalancement. In order to function in society, have a full time 42 hour a week
job, and not get completely overwhelmed every single second of the day, I need
to be very careful who I let into my very tiny bubble. I can cope perfectly
well without judgemental, unsupportive people, so if you are one of those,
please do me a favour. Please refrain from being mentally abusive and stay away
from me, thank you very much. If you care enough about me to read anything that
I write, please do not leave comments, which could put me in a suicidal place,
if read on a bad/overwhelmed day. I have worked really hard, a whole lot harder
than the average person, to get to the place where I am now. If you get a kick out
of the thought that you could upset me, then please think about your mentally
abusive actions, as you may very well be hurting others in your life, and not
just me. Please, be careful with your words and actions. I just want peace,
between people. It takes more energy to be mean that to be nice.
Following on from my job at the law firm, on one random Sunday, I casually applied
to one job, a warehouse production operator/administrator. It was the very last
day that the job advertisement was open. I have applied to so many jobs this
year that I really did not think about it all too much. I just applied to it,
as something to do, and forgot all about it. I had a phone call, the next day,
offering me an interview in two days time. Then after the interview, on the
Wednesday, I had got the job by Friday. There was a very long and complicated
process of leaving my law firm job, to start at the administration job, because
my manager was refusing to let me leave. Then things got complicated again,
with my tax code, because I had not taken the holiday that I was entitled to,
while at the law firm, because I was saving it for when I moved into my maisonette,
which was supposed to happen in October, but is now super delayed. So now, my
tax code is messed up again. I am, now, on an emergency-emergency tax code, and
I cannot phone HMRC up to pay off what I owe, because they are only open when I
am at work, and my job has a very strict no mobile phones policy. I work from
7:30am until 4pm. My workplace is in an incredibly poor mobile phone signal
area, anyway. By the time I get to a place, with decent phone signal, it is too
late and HMRC is closed. I get a 30 minute break (well it is more like 20
minutes) and by the time I have walked to a place to get mobile phone signal,
it is time to walk back to work again.
As for my new job, itself, I genuinely do like it. My job is to place orders
with supplies and chase up the orders, which are skills that I picked up from
my previous administration job, and they are the parts of the job that I
actually enjoy. Yes, there is a lot more to the job than that, and yes, it can
be stressful and my autism really does struggle working for a company that
produces sirens, but most of the time I am able to cope just fine and not get overwhelmed.
(If you are interested in my new job journey, there are a few small posts,
where I somewhat talk about my new job here: https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2024/11/becoming-warehouse-production.html,
https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2024/11/colleagues-in-my-new-office.html
and https://josiesayz.blogspot.com/2024/12/colleagues-in-my-office-part-2.html.)
Right, let’s move on to some more nicer things that have happened this year. I
have been able to work on my stories a lot this year, or at least I did when I
was working at the law firm. I have managed to re-write my ‘Welcome to Arcturus
High’ story and plan the series a lot more thoroughly. Since moving to my new
job, I have not had the time to write stories anymore, as all of my time, away
from work, has been taken up with life admin. However, during my lunch breaks,
I have been able to read, which is something I had missed so much. I started the
beginning of the year by reading the sequel to ‘The Ex Hex’ by Rachel Hawkins
(pen name Erin Sterling). ‘The Ex Hex’ is one of my current favourite books and
I have reread it twice already. Towards the end of the year, I have discovered the
‘Myrtlewood Mysteries’ by Iris Beaglehole. I am currently on book four of the series
and I have already bought myself the rest of the set. I was not too sure about
it at first, because I thought the series was some American woman buying into
the hype of people romanticising English witchcraft, following on from the Harry
Potter series, however, following a little research, I have discovered that the
‘Myrtlewood Mysteries’ have more to them than that. There is a witchcraft story
interwoven with a detective plot in each tale, written by an actual witch, not someone
trying to buy into the Gen Z selfcare hype. The stories are crafted so well
that you can be interested in the mother character, Rosemary, who is in her mid/late
thirties, or her teenage daughter, Athena. Being old enough to have a seventeen
year old, myself, I completely fell in love with Rosemary’s character. And as someone
who does not usually love romance in stories at all, I am loving the love triangle
in Rosemary’s non-existent love life. It is so amusingly woven into the series,
without dwelling too much into it.
I have just bought myself a newer model of Fitbit. I think my previous preowned
one has done me really well, over the past few years, not just in tracking my
steps, but helping me to sleep better (through recording my sleep time and
sleep cycles), helping me log my water intake, nutrition, monitoring my
heartrate, notifying me of an irregular heartbeat, providing me with exercise
goals and breathing exercises. I have decided, for the new year, to upgrade
myself from the Inspire 2 to the Versa 3. Again, it is only a preowned one, but
I am doing really well and looking after myself, and I want to continue working
hard to look after myself in 2025 too. I know that getting the keys to my
maisonette is going to be the best thing to ever happen to me! I cannot wait to
begin the next, incredibly exciting chapter of my life.
And I would not have survived 2024, or made it so far in my life or career, if
it had not been for my wonderful friends. I need to say a wonderfully huge
thank you to The Social Hermit, Lizzie Bear, Dr Nat, PhD Nancy and Mr Rossi
(you all know who you are through your fun code names). I love you all ever so much.
We have all survived through 2024 and I know that all of us have faced many
difficulties and hurdles, but we have all been there for each other. I believe
in you all and I will continue to be there for you throughout 2025. I feel so
happy and grateful to have you guys!
- Josie -
